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Finding the Words offers principles and practical suggestions for those moments in relationships when one wants to be kind but also must discuss a sensitive matter. In thoughtful prose, Susan Halpern explains how to communicate with care in order to strengthen and increase our loving connections. The principles provided in the book—speaking from the heart, stating intentions, and deep listening—enable readers to navigate difficult encounters.
Halpern draws on her years of experience as a psychotherapist, wife, and mother to suggest possible, scripted solutions and positive outcomes for a wide range of situations: a partner who needs to talk about the irritations of joint living, parents of an adult child who requires unexpected financial support, grandparents who don’t know how to intervene, siblings who disagree about politics or religion, and couples in times of crisis, illness, affairs, and divorce. An essential book for finding one’s way back to intimacy from conflict, nagging discomfort, and anger, Finding the Words teaches methods of responding, negotiating, and compromising. While there are numerous guides to relationships, no other book presents life situations—along with actual words that can be used to cope with them—with such vitality and wisdom.
Introduction
Chapter 1 Cultivating Conscious Conversations as a Couple 5
What Can I Say When I Am Furious? 7
When Is It Time to Talk to My Partner? 9
All Husbands Take Out the Garbage. Why Don't You 11
Why Is My Partner Always Trying go Fix My Problems? 12
How Can We Stop Having the Same Argument Over and Over 13
Do All Conflicts Need to Be Resolved? 14
What If I Don't Want To Talk This Through 15
Conclusion 17
Chapter 2 Getting Along in a Love Relationship 19
Can I stick to My Plan to Speak with Kindness? 19
How Can I Find My Way to Loving Acceptance 21
Do I Have to Tell You Everything? 22
Why Can't You Read My Mind? 24
Will Letting Out My Anger Make Things Worse? 25
How Can I End This Fight? 27
Why Is It So Hard to Say I'm Sorry? 29
Why Is It So Hard to Say Yes? 30
How Can I Say No and Nor Hurt Him? 30
Conclusion 31
Chapter 3 Accepting Differences between Partners 33
Don't You Have Any Feelings? 33
Why Are You Always Late? 36
How Can We Find Our Way Back to Intimacy 37
If Only We Had Been Candid about Our Differences 39
Why Can I Compromise When I Am So Afraid? 43
How Are We Going to Live Together After All These Years Apart? 45
Why Can't He Treat the Children the Way I Do? 48
Conclusion 51
Chapter 4 Bringing Words of Love to Intimate Moments 53
How Can I Learn to Say "I Love You"? 53
How Can We Keep Love Alive? 55
How Can I Talk about What Works for Me in Bed 56
What Do People Say While Making Love? 59
How Can We Keep Sex Exciting? 60
How Can I Talk about My Sexual Attractions 62
Can I Be Intimate without Sex 64
Colclusion 65
Chapter 5 Speaking Candidly during a Major Life Crisis 67
Illness 67
How Can ITalk to Him about His Prostate Cancer? 68
How Can I Tell Him I Can't Meet All His Needs 71
Substance Abuse 74
What Can I Do to Protect Myself from His Drinking 75
Why Doesn't My Husband Care That I Drink 76
Job Loss 77
How Do I Respond to You Losing Your Job? 78
How Can I Help My Partner with His Professional Difficulty? 79
Infidelity 81
Do I Have to End the Marriage? 81
How Can I Tell Him I Am Seeing Someone Else? 83
Can We Renegotiate the Conditions Our Marriage 85
Conclusion 86
Chapter 6 Making Divorce Less Disruptive and Painful 87
I Can't Remember Why I Married This Person 88
What Am I Going to Say to End This Marriage? 89
What Will It Take to Forgive? 90
How Will We Tell Our Parents 91
Please Let Me Tell Our Friends When I Am Ready 94
Can a Divorce Be Peaceful? 95
How Can We Work Together to Prepare the Children for Our Divorce? 97
What Should We Say to the Children? 98
What Do I Tell the Children about My Love Life? 99
Will the Children Ever Talk about the Divorce with Me? 100
Even Though I Am Forty, I Want to Know Why My Parents Divorced 101
How Can I Reach Out to My Children Years after My Divorce? 103
Conclusion 104
Chapter 7 Learning to Be Adults with Each Other-Parents and Adult Children 107
How Can I Get My Son to Talk to Me? 108
Why Do They Tell Me These Things? 110
Why Does My Daughter Talk More to Her Aunt Than to Me? 112
What Can I Say When My Adults Child Is Angry with Me? 113
How Can I Get My Parents to Listen to How I Am Feeling 114
How Does a Mother Ask for What She Wants? 115
When Do Daughters Get to Express Their Need 116
How Can I Get More from my Father? 118
How Do I Handle My Disapproval of My Daughter? 120
How Can I Help My Adult Children Talk to Each Other? 122
Conclusion 124
Chapter 8 Watching Married Children Final Their Own Way 125
How Can I Ask My Mother for Help? 125
What Can I Say to My Father about His Broken Promises? 127
What Is a Mother-in-Law's Business? 129
What Can I Say When My Parents Tell Me How to Raise My Children? 130
How Do I Learn to Be a Good In Law? 132
How Can We Help our Child Through Divorce? 134
How Long Should I Give Financial Support? 136
Conclusion 138
Chapter 9 Repairing a Rift between Parents and an Adult Child 141
What Is Going On When an Adult Child Breaks Off from His or Her Family? 141
What Can I Say about My Need for Time Away? 143
What Might Parents Ask When They Want to Understand Their Child's Absence? 144
How Can I Reconnect with My Father? 145
How Can I Reconnect with My Son? 149
How Can I Get My Whole Family Together Again? 151
What Will We Talk About When We Meet 153
Conclusion 155
Chapter 10 Supporting Adult Children as They Begin to Parent 157
Who Gets to Name the Baby? 158
How Do I Respond to My Children's Questions? 159
Is It Okay to Speak Up for Health? 160
Is It Okay to Speak Up for Safety? 161
How Can I Choose between a Child and a Grandchild? 163
How Can I Help? 164
How Can Grandparents Find Ways to Help, Not Hinder? 166
Can Grandparents Write Different Rules for Their House? 167
How Can Grandparents Talk about Their Needs? 168
How Can I Make Relocating Nearer to My Children and Grandchildren Work for All of Us? 170
What Should I Do If My Children Do Not Invite Me to Relocate? 172
Conclusion 173
Chapter 11 Nurturing and Reviving Friendship among Siblings 175
What Should I Say When I Disagree with My Sibling's Politics? 176
How Can I Reach Out to a Sibling? 177
How Can I Reach Out to a Sibling? I No Longer Know? 179
How Can I Get Along with My Sister-in-Law? 180
How Can Two Sisters Support Their Aging Aunt? 181
How Do I Handle My Brother's Misuse of Drugs and Money? 183
Should I Confront My Sister about Her Drinking? 185
How Can We Fairly Divide the Estate? 186
Should I Invite My Brother to Live with me during His Divorce? 188
Do I Have to Welcome My Sister-in-Law into My Marriage? 191
Conclusion 192
Chapter 12 Using Intergenerational Conversations to Make Decisions at the End of Life 193
Will I Make a Timely Decision to Stop Driving 194
How Can I Convince My Elderly Parents to Stop Driving? 195
When Should I Visit My Aging Mother Who Lives in Another State? 200
How Can I Convince My Parents to Accept Outside Help? 202
How Can I Care for My Wife When She Is a Reluctant Patient? 205
How Can I Help My Mother Move to a Senior Residence? 207
What Is Happening to This Body of Mine? 210
Should I Invite My Mother to live with Us? 212
How Do I Tell Someone I Love That Her Memory Is Failing? 214
How Do I Talk to a Person with Alzheimer's Disease? 215
When Should I Write My Will? 217
How Am I Going to Make Decisions for My Father? 219
How Should I Make Decisions When My Loved One Is Unresponsive? 221
How One Family Let Mother Go into Death 222
Conclusion 224
Afterword 22
Jack_Rosenblum
Posted February 19, 2010
This is a truly remarkable book. On first reading, it appears to be an approach to handling sensitive family issues with suggested words for readers to incorporate into their family challenges. This by itself is valuable since some of the suggested words represent options that we probably hadn't considered and that would be far preferable to and far more effective than our accustomed way of dealing with the issues in question.
But on further reflection, there is an underlying structure to the author's counsel, which I would portray (if it were possible in this book review format) in a diamond shape. On top would be the WORDS which Halpern provides in each situation. Beneath the WORDS would be the underlying qualities which are embodied in the words. Arrayed horizontally, these would include CALM, NEUTRALITY, CAREFUL LISTENING, and PLANNING. Once we discern and accept these screens, we can come up with our own words that might achieve the same ends as Halpern's, but in our own authentic verbal style.
The bottom point of the diamond model would be LOVE. This is what drives the effort to find the right words to achieve harmony in difficult family relationships or situations. It takes a strong loving intention to think in advance about what to say, to listen carefully to the family member's feelings, concerns, and needs, and then to maintain the calm and neutrality that allows the other person to take in the love and respond with his or her best rather than worst. And as Halpern notes in a moving Afterword, not just in families but in any important relationship.
So the overarching value of the book, in my opinion, is that by providing the model of how to find the right words, the author gives us the keys to the kingdom. To change the metaphor, she has not merely cooked us a nourishing meal, she has provided the recipe so we can continue to cook our own nourishing meals.
Beyond the content, there is the prose style. It feels like a soft footfall. The writing is quiet and peaceful and full of hope that with effort born of love, we can come through and prevail. In Sartre's words: "Freedom lies on the far side of despair." Susan Halpern has made a significant contribution to helping us find that freedom.
Overview
Finding the Words offers principles and practical suggestions for those moments in relationships when one wants to be kind but also must discuss a sensitive matter. In thoughtful prose, Susan Halpern explains how to communicate with care in order to strengthen and increase our loving connections. The principles provided in the book—speaking from the heart, stating intentions, and deep listening—enable readers to navigate difficult encounters.
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