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In this study, Dr. Chapman reveals how different people express love in different ways. What speaks love to you may be meaningless to your spouse. This study contains the key to understanding each other's unique needs. Apply the right principles, learn the right language, and soon you'll know the profound satisfaction and joy of being able to express your love-and feeling truly loved in return.
At 30,000 feet, somewhere between Buffalo and Dallas, he put his magazine in his seat pocket, turned in my direction, and asked, "What kind of work do you do?"
"I do marriage counseling and lead marriage enrichment seminars," I said matter-of-factly.
"I've been wanting to ask someone this for a long time," he said. "What happens to the love after you get married?"
Relinquishing my hopes of getting a nap, I asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well," he said, "I've been married three times, and each time, it was wonderful before we got married, but somehow after the wedding it all fell apart. All the love I thought I had for her and the love she seemed to have for me evaporated. I am a fairly intelligent person. I operate a successful business, but I don't understand it."
"How long were you married?" I asked.
"The first one lasted about ten years. The second time, we were married three years, and the last one, almost six years."
"Did your love evaporate immediately after the wedding, or was it a gradual loss?" I inquired.
"Well, the second one went wrong from the very beginning. I don't know what happened. I really thought we loved each other, but the honeymoon was a disaster, and we never recovered. We only dated six months. It was a whirlwind romance. It was really exciting! But after the marriage, it was a battle from the beginning.
"In my first marriage, we had three or four good years before the baby came. After the baby was born, I felt like she gave her attention to the baby and I no longer mattered. It was as if her one goal in life was to have a baby, and after the baby, she no longer needed me."
"Did you tell her that?" I asked.
"Oh, yes, I told her. She said I was crazy. She said I did not understand the stress of being a twenty-four-hour nurse. She said I should be more understanding and help her more. I really tried, but it didn't seem to make any difference. After that, we just grew further apart. After a while, there was no love left, just deadness. Both of us agreed that the marriage was over.
"My last marriage? I really thought that one would be different. I had been divorced for three years. We dated each other for two years. I really thought we knew what we were doing, and I thought that perhaps for the first time I really knew what it meant to love someone. I genuinely felt that she loved me.
"After the wedding, I don't think I changed. I continued to express love to her as I had before marriage. I told her how beautiful she was. I told her how much I loved her. I told her how proud I was to be her husband. But a few months after marriage, she started complaining; about petty things at first-like my not taking the garbage out or not hanging up my clothes. Later, she went to attacking my character, telling me that she didn't feel she could trust me, accusing me of not being faithful to her. She became a totally negative person. Before marriage, she was never negative. She was one of the most positive people I have ever met. That is one of the things that attracted me to her. She never complained about anything. Everything I did was wonderful, but once we were married, it seemed I could do nothing right. I honestly don't know what happened. Eventually, I lost my love for her arid began to resent her. She obviously had no love for me. We agreed there was no benefit to our living together any longer, so we split.
"That was a year ago. So my question is, What happens to love after the wedding? Is my experience common? Is that why we have so many divorces in our country? I can't believe that it happened to me three times. And those who don't divorce, do they learn to live with the emptiness, or does love really stay alive in some marriages? If so, how?"
The questions my friend, seated in 5A was asking are the questions that thousands of married and divorced persons are asking today. Some are asking friends, some are asking counselors and clergy, and some are asking themselves. Sometimes the answers are couched in psychological research jargon that are almost incomprehensible. Sometimes they are couched in humor and folklore. Most of the jokes and pithy sayings contain some truth, but they are like offering an aspirin to a person with cancer.
The desire for romantic love in marriage is deeply rooted in our psychological makeup. Almost every popular magazine has at least one article each issue on keeping love alive in a marriage. Books abound on the subject. Television and radio talk shows deal with it. Keeping love alive in our marriages is serious business.
With all the books, magazines, and practical help available, why is it that so few couples seem to have found the secret to keeping love alive after the wedding? Why is it that a couple can attend a communication workshop, hear wonderful ideas on how to enhance communication, return home, and find themselves totally unable to implement the communication patterns demonstrated? How is it that we read a magazine article on "101 Ways to Express Love to Your Spouse," select two or three ways that seem especially good to us, try them, and our spouse doesn't even acknowledge our effort? We give up on the other 98 ways and go back to life as usual.
The answer to those questions is the purpose of this book. It is not that the books and articles already published are not helpful. The problem is that we have overlooked one fundamental truth: People speak different love languages.
In the area of linguistics, there are major language groups: Japanese, Chinese, Spanish, English, Portuguese, Greek, German, French, and so on. Most of us grow up learning the language of our parents and siblings, which becomes our primary or native tongue. Later, we may learn additional languages but usually with much more effort. These become our secondary languages. We speak and understand best our native language. We feel most comfortable speaking that language. The more we use a secondary language, the more comfortable we become conversing in it. If we speak only our primary language and encounter someone else who speaks only his or her primary language, which is different from ours, our communication will be limited. We must rely on pointing, grunting, drawing pictures, or acting out our ideas. We can communicate, but it is awkward. Language differences are part and parcel of human culture. If we are to communicate effectively across cultural lines, we must learn the language of those with whom we wish to communicate.
In the area of love, it is similar. Your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may be as different as Chinese from English. No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands only Chinese, you will never understand how to love each other. My friend on the plane was speaking the language of "Affirming Words" to his third wife when he said, "I told her how beautiful she was. I told her I loved her. I told her how proud I was to be her husband." He was speaking love, and he was sincere, but she did not understand his language. Perhaps she was looking for love in his behavior and didn't see it. Being sincere is not enough. We must be willing to learn our spouse's primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love.
My conclusion after twenty years of marriage counseling is that there are basically five emotional love languages-five ways that people speak and understand emotional love. In the field of linguistics a language may have numerous dialects or variations. Similarly, within the five basic emotional love languages, there are many dialects. That accounts for the magazine articles titled "10 Ways to Let Your Spouse Know You Love Her," "20 Ways to Keep Your Man at Home," or "365 Expressions of Marital Love." There are not 10, 20, or 365 basic love languages. In my opinion, there are only five. However, there may be numerous dialects. The number of ways to express love within a love language is limited only by one's imagination. The important thing is to speak the love language of your spouse.
We have long known that in early childhood development each child develops unique emotional patterns. Some children, for example, develop a pattern of low self-esteem whereas others have healthy self-esteem. Some develop emotional patterns of insecurity whereas others grow up feeling secure. Some children grow up feeling loved, wanted, and appreciated, yet others grow up feeling unloved, unwanted, and unappreciated.
The children who feel loved by their parents and peers will develop a primary emotional love language based on their unique psychological makeup and the way their parents and other significant persons expressed love to them. They will speak and understand one primary love language. They may later learn a secondary love language, but they will always feel most comfortable with their primary language. Children who do not feel loved by their parents and peers will also develop a primary love language. However, it will be somewhat distorted in much the same way as some children may learn poor grammar and have an underdeveloped vocabulary. That poor programming does not mean they cannot become good communicators. But it does mean they will have to work at it more diligently than those who had a more positive model. Likewise, children who grow up with an underdeveloped sense of emotional love can also come to feel loved and to communicate love, but they will have to work at it more diligently than those who grew up in a healthy, loving atmosphere.
Seldom do a husband and wife have the same primary emotional love language. We tend to speak our primary love language, and we become confused when our spouse does not understand what we are communicating. We are expressing our love, but the message does not come through because we are speaking what, to them, is a foreign language. Therein lies the fundamental problem, and it is the purpose of this book to offer a solution. That is why I dare to write another book on love. Once we discover the five basic love languages and understand our own primary love language, as well as the primary love language of our spouse, we will then have the needed information to apply the ideas in the books and articles.
Once you identify and learn to speak your spouse's primary love language, I believe that you will have discovered the key to a long-lasting, loving marriage. Love need not evaporate after the wedding, but in order to keep it alive most of us will have to put forth the effort to learn a secondary love language. We cannot rely on our native tongue if our spouse does not understand it. If we want him/her to feel the love we are trying to communicate, we must express it in his or her primary love language.
Love is the most important word in the English language-and the most confusing. Both secular and religious thinkers agree that love plays a central role in life. We are told that "love is a many-splendored thing" and that "love makes the world go round." Thousands of books, songs, magazines, and movies are peppered with the word. Numerous philosophical and theological systems have made a prominent place for love. And the founder of the Christian faith wanted love to be the distinguishing characteristic of His followers.
Psychologists have concluded that the need to feel loved is a primary human emotional need. For love, we will climb mountains, cross seas, traverse desert sands, and endure untold hardships. Without love, mountains become unclimbable, seas uncrossable, deserts unbearable, and hardships our plight in life. The Christian apostle to the Gentiles, Paul, exalted love when he indicated that all human accomplishments that are not motivated by love are, in the end, empty. He concluded that in the last scene of the human drama, only three characters will remain: "faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."
If we can agree that the word love permeates human society, both historically and in the present, we must also agree that it is a most confusing word. We use it in a thousand ways. We say, "I love hot dogs," and in the next breath, "I love my mother." We speak of loving activities: swimming, skiing, hunting. We love objects: food, cars, houses. We love animals: dogs, cats, even pet snails. We love nature: trees, grass, flowers, and weather. We love people: mother, father, son, daughter, parents, wives, husbands, friends. We even fall in love with love.
If all that is not confusing enough, we also use the word love to explain behavior. "I did it because I love her." That explanation is given for all kinds of actions. A man is involved in an adulterous relationship, and he calls it love. The preacher, on the other hand, calls it sin. The wife of an alcoholic picks up the pieces after her husband's latest episode. She calls it love, but the psychologist calls it codependency. The parent indulges all the child's wishes, calling it love. The family therapist would call it irresponsible parenting. What is loving behavior?
The purpose of this book is not to eliminate all confusion surrounding the word love but to focus on that kind of love that is essential to our emotional health. Child psychologists affirm that every child has certain basic emotional needs that must be met if he is to be emotionally stable. Among those emotional needs, none is more basic than the need for love and affection, the need to sense that he or she belongs and is wanted. With an adequate supply of affection, the child will likely develop into a responsible adult. Without that love, he or she will be emotionally and socially retarded.
I liked the metaphor the first time I heard it: "Inside every child is an `emotional tank' waiting to be filled with love. When a child really feels loved, he will develop normally but when the love tank is empty, the child will misbehave. Much of the misbehavior of children is motivated by the cravings of an empty `love tank.'" I was listening to Dr. Ross Campbell, a psychiatrist who specializes in the treatment of children and adolescents.
As I listened, I thought of the hundreds of parents who had paraded the misdeeds of their children through my office. I had never visualized an empty love tank inside those children, but I had certainly seen the results of it. Their misbehavior was a misguided search for the love they did not feel. They were seeking love in all the wrong places and in all the wrong ways.
I remember Ashley, who at thirteen years of age was being treated for a sexually transmitted disease. Her parents were crushed. They were angry with Ashley. They were upset with the school, which they blamed for teaching her about sex. Why would she do this? they asked.
Continues...
Excerpted from The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman Copyright © 1995 by Gary D. Chapman
Excerpted by permission. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Pegasuss
Posted January 2, 2010
7 Months ago (May 2009) and after almost 17 years of marriage, my wife and I were ready to call it quits. The love for each other was gone and for all intents and purposes, we were little more than glorified roommates, and not even good ones at that. Although we were not officially divorced by the courts, emotionally, spiritually and physically we WERE divorced ~ bankrupted in our relationship. During the summer as we struggled with how, or even IF we wanted to continue being married, a dear family member gave me this book and asked me to read it. I told my wife what I was learning and it piqued her interest. She began to see some real changes in how I treated her (Her love languages are Acts of Service and Gifts). As I read through this book, and discovered my love language(s) (and hers as well), it became apparent to me that this author had stumbled across something that I believe could and does STOP divorce in its tracks if people would read this book and apply its principles to heart for themselves and for their partners. If my wife and I can take a dead marriage and turn it into the best we have ever had using these principles anyone can. Will it stop infidelity or abusive behavior of a spouse? The answer to those particular situations have to be dealt with at a personal and spiritual level and although this book does not specifically deal with those issues, it does offer tremendous guidance in learning to love your spouse the way he/she feels love. God can and WILL save your marriage and this book can help you understand what a true loving partnership is about and why we need each other interdependently in this life and in our marriage. My wife has since commented after finishing this book that it should be required reading for anyone contemplating getting married. It truly is THAT powerful. I know many today are hurting and struggling in their marriages and having gone through that fire, my heart truly breaks for others in similar situations. It is tough thing to separate your life from someone you once loved. I can only say for myself having learned and put Gary's suggestions into practice, that I have seen a difference in how my wife and I now love each other. There is hope. READ this book and give it to your partner! Test the principles that Gary Chapman provides and see if you don't see a change in how your partner responds (lovingly) to you and begin to have the best marriage of your life. Best hopes for the readers in discovering your partners Love Language and a new found love for each other.
39 out of 40 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.evanescenceSE
Posted August 24, 2011
I Also Recommend:
After a terrible time in matters of love, I thought I would do some research. the 5 love languages was one of the books I choose to read. It was very well written and interesting.
30 out of 39 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.If you can read, you can understand the love in your marriage. This book is a simple and easy to read. It gave me the basic tools that I needed to understand my wife, ex-wife, and our children. Learn your love language and stop talking at one another. You can stop talking altogether. Start communicating in the language that your spouse has always spoken, and learn to articulate yours. My life would be different if I had read this book either. I can not change the past, but I am better prepared for the wonderful future ahead.
19 out of 22 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted May 5, 2010
The Five Love Languages (TFLL) by Gary Chapman is probably the most useful book on relationships ever written.
While the title expounds by saying "how to express heartfelt commitment to your mate", its usefulness in application doesn't stop there. The lessons learned in TFLL can, and should, be applied in all relationships--not just romantic ones. Learning how friends, extended family, and those whom one works with closely expect to receive and express love (or exchange love with appreication, gratitude, admiration, motivation, etc.)will enhance those relationships tremendously.
I have also found the lessons learned from TFLL to be valuable for empowering, inspiring and motivating others to fulfill their potential in working relationships. If you have ever worked with one of those "difficult people", then the lessons in TFLL will help in identifying how you can apply a different tactic to capture their attention and empower them. Learning that the reasons why people do certain things are often out of expectations that differ from our own will certainly go along way in helping to adjust our own actions/reactions to others' actions/reactions, and in the end, just might help enhance the working relationship with those colleagues.
Learning that different people have different priorities in expressing and receiving love (again: or admiration, appreciation, etc.), that we should't project our own love language priorities on others, and that we should express love/appreciation/gratitude in a manner that will be most meaningful to each other, will inspire more meaningful exchanges and enhance our relationships.
In short, if their are people in your life that you wish to insure you have the best relationship possible with, then you should read this book and apply all of the suggestions for learning the priority of their individual love languages--right after you figure out your own order.
It's actually fun to figure out your own love language and then try to guess what the order of love languages will be for your mate, friends, family, and co-workers.
6 out of 6 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.TrulyTula
Posted June 20, 2009
This selection is very atypical of the books I would pick; however after reading in the NYT that an US Army officer would customarily give a copy to his soldiers before returning home to help them prepare for their domestic re-engagements to help mitigate the misunderstandings that often happen within a marriage, I had to check it out. The observations, examples and logic are all very simple but made this reader realize where I fell in the scale of behaviors and why I would encounter the problems I did. The bottom line was that my partner mostly demonstrated his affection in the way that I was not likely to recognize. Based on my own conclusions about how to best get my attention I also learned while he did not complain, I never reciprocated my support of our relationship in ways which would most resonate for him. By the time I had this epiphany the damage had already been done; however I now look at my friendships/relationships with keener & more open eyes to assess how to best reach my loved ones. The results are more satisfying and I avoid the frustrating loops of less than successful repeat behaviors. I now give this book to newly engaged couples, or as a part of their wedding gift and the feedback I get is always about the book. Everyone who cares about their significant other should make it a point to get their own copy because the message is delivered very plainly and effectively and one can determine how best to adjust their own conduct to (often with minor changes) better remain on their partner's radar in the best way. I highly recommend.
6 out of 6 people found this review helpful.
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Posted August 12, 2007
I picked this book off the shelf never hearing about it before...the title caught my eye and I was completely surprized how much i liked this book!!! This isn't just a relationship book but an inside look on how to better understand people. After reading this you will be amazed at how much you truely learn about your co-workers and family. You will begin to understand why they do what they do and maybe you will get a better understanding of yourself! I starting reading this and couldn't put it down...I brought it to work and 5 people borrowed it and it came back with rave reviews from all of them...I hope this book helps you as much as it has me!
5 out of 6 people found this review helpful.
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Posted February 13, 2012
This is an excellent, simple approach to strenthening a marriage. It gives the 5 love languages we all need and helps find the most important for each person which is often not the same. They are: affirmatiion; quality time; receiving gifts; acts of service; touch. These work for children of all ages as well as couples.
4 out of 4 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.SciFi-Nut
Posted April 10, 2010
This book was recommended to us (spouse and me) because of negative changes occurring in our relationship. I thought that life was beautiful, when in fact I was not successfully showing my wife I loved her - and I really do! This book lets you see how some people perceive love - which can be different than how you see or feel love. Knowing now how my wife 'feels love' I now show her in a way she understands - and she in turn shows me in the ways I need to be shown. Having troubles in your relationship may be minimized if you have the knowledge contained in this book. Good reading!
3 out of 3 people found this review helpful.
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Posted April 20, 2009
This book is AMAZING. For anyone in a relationship, or just interested in how to make ANY relationship work, it is a LIFE SAVER. Dr. Gary Chapman uses very MODERN examples, and just really makes it easy to relate the book to your life.
3 out of 4 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted January 2, 2013
The wonderful thing about this book, is that anyone can benefit from it -- not just married couples. I wish I had read this when I was single, but I am glad I read it with my fiance before going into marriage. It is part of our premarital counseling and we have already learned and grown so much from it.
I found this book to be a well written, excellent read. The examples and anecdotes the author used to describe the love languages made it easy to understand the exact meaning of each one. The use of "dialects" within each love language make it even more clear, ways in which you can communicate effectively.
It is easy to connect with this book because the couples' stories in it are so relate-able (even if you haven't been through the exact same experience).
2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
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Posted March 30, 2012
Glad I read it, helps me to relate to others better
2 out of 3 people found this review helpful.
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Posted February 24, 2012
Must read for any couple who's willing to learn and want to grow closer to their spouse.
2 out of 3 people found this review helpful.
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Posted May 22, 2013
Required reading for anyone looking to stay married.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted March 24, 2013
It is such an eye opener to different ways of how people show their love. The stories in the book are real people who were on the verge of divorce or settling in an unhappy marriage. I am very happy to have read this book bc it has helped save my what i thought was crumbling marriage and life of being unfullfilled.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted January 9, 2012
This book is helpful, but not the end all be all.
1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
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Posted January 1, 2012
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted February 20, 2010
This book Should be read by all couples considering Marriage and read together. Some of us have some askew expectations when it comes to relationships. This book really opened my eyes to Love, Mutual Respect, and Communication. I learned Unforgettable Life Lessons.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted February 6, 2010
I had several people refer to this book & it was great! Although it refers to spouses throughout it's applicable to yourself & anyone in your life. I recommend it!
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted December 12, 2009
I Also Recommend:
While I was at first put off to find this book in the religious section of the store as opposed to the relationship section, I am so glad that I purchased the book. It is profound! It has only the slightest bit of christian content, being written by someone who does many church marriage improvement workshops and discussing some of those within the book.
The five languages of love helped me to understand why my expressions of love to my wife were falling on deaf ears, as they were not her languages of love. It also explained why I had hurt her so badly by not telling her of my love in the ways that she needed to hear that I loved her. It was not that each of us didn't love the other, it was that we were expressing our love for each other every week and most days in ways that the other partner could not understand.
This book is a must for anyone with a marriage problem, as a gift for someone entering into marriage or a gift for a child or friend who is entering into serious relationships.
Buy it, read it, have your spouse read it, take the test at the end and then talk about it with your spouse. It will change your life and your marriage!
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Posted June 15, 2009
I have been married for 28 glorious years...most of them, anyway! I wish this book had been available all those years ago. It should be mandatory for all couples that are thinking about marriage to read this book...it is that essential. It is a 'How To' guide for everyone and anyone in a relationship to maximize the ultimate in love, communication, happiness, and the very basic needs inherent in all of us. For that matter, it will open your eyes to the needs of your children. Fabulous book, I recommend it to absolutely everyone!
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
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Overview
In this study, Dr. Chapman reveals how different people express love in different ways. What speaks love to you may be ...