From Soup to Nuts; The Cannibal Lover's Cookbook


In an age when the most bizarre alternative lifestyles age are routinely accepted throughout American society, there is one group that is still shunned by the masses, forced to practice its way of life in hiding. Until now. For a visionary has broken the chains that have held his kinsmen down, a messiah has arisen to rescue his people and their rich dietary tradition. His name is Omnivorous.

With From Soup to Nuts: The Cannibal Lover's Cookbook, Omnivorous does much more than ...

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In an age when the most bizarre alternative lifestyles age are routinely accepted throughout American society, there is one group that is still shunned by the masses, forced to practice its way of life in hiding. Until now. For a visionary has broken the chains that have held his kinsmen down, a messiah has arisen to rescue his people and their rich dietary tradition. His name is Omnivorous.

With From Soup to Nuts: The Cannibal Lover's Cookbook, Omnivorous does much more than provide his fans with some of the world's best-loved cannibal recipes; in his own words, the master provides "a joyous look at the entire cannibal lifestyle," the definitive guide to better eating the cannibal way. Here's what awaits inside:

* Dozens of recipes for those who believe you truly are what you eat

* An informative history of cannibalism through the ages, focusing on the great moments in cannibal history, from the Alferd Packer expedition to the Uruguay Rugby Team plane crash of 1972 and the invention of gourmet airline food

* Helpful strategies for choosing the right cut of meat

* Rules of thumb...and rules for other tasty body parts, too

* Easy-to-follow, sumptuous recipes that will impress your friends and fellow cannibals

* A bonus section for cannibals with special needs: animal-rights activists, kosher cannibals, and those on low-calorie diets

* Cooking suggestions for the busy cannibal "soccer mom"

* And answers to the most commonly asked cannibal questions, plus a list of the great cannibal movies, such as The Eyes of Laura Mars, My Left Foot, and The Man with the Golden Arm.

With the world population at an all-time high, there has never been a bettertime to be a cannibal. And whether you're a longtime man-muncher or a novice with just a few close friends under your belt, Omnivorous is here to show you the key to a very happy and full life -- the cannibal life.

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780684869841
  • Publisher: Simon & Schuster
  • Publication date: 8/3/1999
  • Pages: 144
  • Product dimensions: 5.37 (w) x 7.86 (h) x 0.70 (d)

Read an Excerpt

Chapter 1


Cannibalism, n.: the practice of those who eat their own kind.

Current slang for cannibalism: man munching; slurping the sapiens; doing the body-cavity search and snack; the full Dahmer; Tysonizing; the stalk, stab, and slurp; eating out; Donner dining.

Anthropologists believe that the first recorded act of cannibalism occurred in the South of France in approximately 9500 B.C. I have often thought that B.C. should stand for "before cannibalism," but at present, my suggestions to the calendar people have gone unanswered. A series of stick figure drawings in the Lascaux caves pictures a family of five, emaciated, staring at empty food bowls and afraid to leave their cave to hunt because of a sabertooth tiger lurking outside. The next series of drawings pictures a happy family of four, with full bellies, and in the corner, near the illustrator's symbol, are the bones of the smallest member of the cave family.

Since that moment some 11,500 years ago, which not only is the first recorded act of cannibalism but also marks the dawn of gourmet French dining, there have been many great cannibal moments. At the risk of showing off my vast knowledge of history, before setting the table, let us take a moment to study those who have come before us.


(as voted by a panel of cannibal chefs, historians, and fans)


This not only became the inspiration for two movies, it introduced the concept of gourmet airline food.


America's first recorded acts of cannibalism. The Donner Party, stranded in the Sierra Nevadas, stayed alive by eating the flesh of the deceased. Despite claims by Clarence Birdseye, many consider this to also mark the invention of frozen food.


Just as Edison's lightbulb was the result of a mistake in the lab, just as the invention of the Post-it Note was the result of a chemist's failure to invent a supersticky glue, the discovery of Rocky Mountain oysters came about because of a colossal miscalculation by Alferd Packer. Rather than wait until July for a trek through the Rockies, Alferd accidentally or hungrily left Salt Lake City with five gold prospectors in February of 1874. Two months later, Alferd Packer arrived alone in Gunnison, Colorado, packing his five friends' cash, clothes, and thirty extra pounds.

A little-known fact: Alferd had tremors in his hands; thus, he is credited with being the inventor of Shake 'n Bake.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I find it fascinating that so many of the great moments in cannibal history involve snow. The Andes Mountains, the Sierras, the Rockies, the siege of Leningrad. I guess cold weather brings out the appetite in -- and for -- people.


If it were not for Richard Parker, cruise passengers would not have the twenty-four-hour gourmet dining they enjoy on the Princess, Norwegian, and Royal Caribbean lines. Richard was the English cabin boy from the SS Mignonette who became a five-course meal for three hungry cannibals adrift in a lifeboat for nineteen days in the South Atlantic.

Apparently, they had no qualms about eating him because they were English. Those bastards will even eat boiled mutton.


If Wolfgang Puck is considered the founder of California nouveau cuisine, then Jeffrey Dahmer deserves credit as the man who revitalized cannibal cooking. One of the many negative aspects of the sixties "Make love not war" anti-Vietnam philosophy was the backlash against killing and eating people. Vegetarianism was in, eating beef was out, and chowing down on human beef was even worse. To illustrate, think of what happened to the music group the Buoys. Do you remember their hit song "Timothy"? It was a great song based on the Richard Parker story, transferred to a coal mine, which described in loving detail the cannibalizing of Timothy. Just a beautiful song. But did the peace freaks in the music industry let the Buoys ever record another song? Have you seen them in concert? Do you even see them on a VHI Where Are They Now? special. I think not. They disappeared from view as if they had been eaten alive.

In short, if it were not for Jeffrey Dahmer and his wacky Wisconsin love life, cannibalism would never have reemerged in the American mainstream. Thank God those midwesterners love their beef.



Jeffrey makes this list, too. What kind of cook lets his meat develop freezer burn?


I think Mike Tyson is crazy. Not for biting Evander Holyfield's ear. For spitting it out.


Did Marv have the perfect chance to make a great meal out of that Virginia woman? Yesss! Did he do anything more than leave evidence on her back? Nooo! What, was he on a diet? To me, that is more embarrassing than the fact that a nice Jewish boy wears a pink dress, high heels and bad toupee.


The man has assisted in 130 suicides but all he does is take the bodies to a motel room and call the police. Doesn't he know there are starving people in Kosovo?


The man kills thirty-three people and leaves them under the porch uneaten. What a clown!


Cannibal fans have been arguing over Andrei since his arrest in 1990. Is Andrei a cannibal or just a serial killer? As Bill James would say about baseball players, first let's look at the record, then look at what his peers said about him. He was responsible for fifty-two killings, and in almost every instance his victims' necks were bitten and sex organs were mutilated and munched on. But did he actually enjoy eating them? Did he take the time to prepare and present his food? Did he ever share his table with cannibal friends? In every case, the answer is no. He killed and ate out of anger, not out of the love of food. Moreover, those who knew him best, the people of the Ukraine, refer to him in every newspaper report as the "Shelter Belt Killer," not the "Shelter Belt Cannibal." In short, the man is no cannibal, he is just fond of giving fatal hickeys.

But this is not a history text, nor is it an anthropology treatise; it is a cookbook and a celebration of a joyous way of life. So rather than explore the cannibal cultures of the past and present with text, let us understand them the way God intended -- through their recipes. But before dismembering and dining, we must prepare.

Copyright © 1999 by Wild Bronco Productions, Inc.

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Table of Contents


Chapter 1: A Brief History of Cannibalism
Chapter 2: Preparing to Cook
Chapter 3: My Favorite Recipes -- From Soup to Nuts
Chapter 4: Vegetables and Desserts
Chapter 5: Grilling
Chapter 6: Cannibalism for Those with Special Needs
Chapter 7: Ethnic Foods
Chapter 8: Holiday Dining
Chapter 9: A Special Section on Airline Food
Chapter 10: The Best Meal I Ever Had
Chapter 11: Home Entertaining the Cannibal Way
Chapter 12: Cannibal Questions
Omnivorous's Final Thought

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First Chapter


I find that two things can ruin a great dinner: first is an obnoxious, uninformed dinner companion; second is a chewy dinner companion. Which brings us to Omnivorous's First Rule of Cannibal Cuisine -- always use fresh ingredients.

Gentle reader, it is my intent to spare you years of trial and error, to share with you the wisdom I have learned from hundreds of mistakes. So many novice cannibals select victims at random, bash them with a mallet, drive hundreds of miles with their meal in the trunk of a hot car to a deserted campsite, hack off a few body parts, cook over a small fire, and complain later of indigestion. What do they expect? Would they blindly grab a chicken breast from the butcher's counter without first looking for discoloration, would they transport fish in the hot trunk of their car without ice, would they cook a turkey sans proper basting? I think not. So is your next-door neighbor Bob worth any less special treatment than a porterhouse steak? Again, I think not.


There are so many places to find the fight type of meat: conventions, dating services, church, train depots. Personally, I have always favored the use of door-to-door salesmen. They have three key advantages: first of all, the food comes to you, fresh and at the proper 98.6 degrees; second, because these nomads of the business world keep odd schedules, it is easy to disavow any knowledge that they ever visited your house (let's see: blue suit, brown shoes, carrying an Amway sales kit sorry, Officer, I don't recall him); third, and I hope the PC police don't jump all over this, it's not like the world really needs door-to-door salespeople.


Once you have a fresh selection of meats to choose from, how do you pick the right one? The same way your mother would -- by sight, smell, and touch.

1 From a distance, give your intended a thorough visual inspection. Here are some things to look for:

LIVER SPOTS -- If it's discolored on the outside, it won't be pink and tender after cooking. This explains why no one has eaten Katharine Hepburn in ninety-three years.

EXCESSIVE BODY HAIR -- Spend hours on the meal, not on shaving and plucking Stanley Tucci's forearms. Or any woman from France.

FAT -- Hair and liver spots are bad, fat is good. You're looking for a relatively high body fat percentage, anywhere from 25 to 30 percent. Unlike a fillet under cellophane, you won't be able to tell if there is sufficient marbleized fat. So look for a good, consistent body fat distribution, a slight jiggle in the upper arms and thighs when your prospective meal is walking. When in doubt, look for a man whose pants size is larger than his age.

2 Once you've predetermined your selection, employ your sense of smell. Never choose anyone who wears too much cologne or perfume. These artificial chemicals will ruin even the finest cuts of meat. Would you eat chicken that's been marinating in English Leather since 1967? I think not. But now I'm going to go against the conventional wisdom. For years, the great cannibal chefs of Europe have held to the theory that people who sweat are a poor cut of meat. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Think of it this way: What could be more tender than a fillet of your fellow man that has been stewing in its own juices for weeks?

3 You've eyeballed your victim, gotten close enough to inhale his bouquet, now comes the final use of your God-given senses -- the sense of touch. Depending on the social situation and your degree of familiarity with the meal, shake hands, put your hand on his shoulder, hug him, pat him on the back. With each touch, you are looking for the same thing -- ripeness and firmness.

OMNIVOROUS'S WARNING -- Use a Light Touch. Remember, You Want a Meal, Not a Sexual Harassment Lawsuit

A special word about plumbers. In all my years as a cannibal, I have found that for everyday dining, there is nothing better to eat than a plumber. Those lowslung pants allow you to select a good rump roast, every plumber is at least 60 percent marbleized fat, and there is no danger of too much cologne and deodorant on a man working in the same sweaty uniform for weeks. To me, plumbers truly are the other white meat.


Dry-ageing beef is the technique of preparing a prime cut of meat by letting it age in a dry refrigerator for five to six weeks. The wait is well worth it. Steak lovers know that dry-aged beef is simply the most tender, smoky morsel one can put in the oral cavity. The masters of this were the great Italian chefs of the 1940s.


Beethoven did not conduct his Ninth Symphony without a woodwind section, the Rothschilds do not prepare their grapes without a winepress, and a cannibal chef does not cook without the proper utensils. Assuming your kitchen has the basics, here are the specialty items you'll need.

Kosher salt

At least five types of saucepans

1 baseball bat for meat tenderizing (I recommend the Easton Z-Core, 32-inch, 27-ounce. Some prefer the heavier 34-inch, 29-ounce Redline, but to me the key is bat speed. If a 32-ounce bat is good enough for Tony Gwynn, it's good enough for you.)

1 electric hacksaw

The world's largest industrial-size Cuisinart

1 2-gallon pot

1 70-gallon pot

Janitor drums for discarding unused body parts. Today's modern homes have those cheap garbage disposals, and a femur can cost you a $500 plumber's bill, And woodchippers leave too much forensic evidence.

Hefty trash bags and dry ice (you'll want to save the giblets and major bones to prepare homemade stock)

200 gallons club soda (great for removing bloodstains)

1 spice rack
1 regular rack
1 industrial-size oven

OMNIVOROUS'S RULE OF THUMB: There is nothing more important for a cannibal Chef to do than wash his hands. Once I ate a pair of unwashed hands and ended up in bed for two weeks.

Copyright © 1999 by Wild Bronco Productions, Inc.

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INTRODUCTION For legal reasons, I am not permitted to tell you who I am, nor can I drop any hints as to my identity. For the purposes of this book, my name is Omnivorous. Just as Anonymous wrote a book about the world he knew best -- politics -- I have undertaken (if you will indulge my use of that word a book about my beloved world, the culinary world of cannibalism.

And who is this man the world will now know as Omnivorous? I'm an educated man, a hockey and baseball fan, a collector of antiques, a bon vivant, someone whose knowledge of wine dwarfs that of the legendary Parker...and, yes, I'm a cannibal.

I am what the politically correct call a CBC -- cannibal by choice. Unlike many of my peers, I was not forced to eat human flesh in order to survive. And unlike others of the cannibal persuasion, I joined the tribe early in life. Even at the tender age of eleven -- and, trust me, eleven is when young boys are the most tender -- I knew my destiny. I'll never forget, one Friday afternoon, my mother took me to a store on the Upper East Side, and while she was at the counter, she playfully accused the butcher of weighing his thumb. To my mother and the butcher, it was a joke; to me, it was a revelation. As the two of them stood there laughing, I began to think, "Why not weigh his thumb, and if it is meaty enough, why not eat it?" It looked tasty. I had been reading Freud at the time and if the master was right in his theory that all men secretly want to suck their thumbs, I wanted to know, what's wrong with eating one?

Those of the Hebrew faith announce at their bar mitzvah, "Today I am a man"; from that moment in the butcher shop, I could honestly say, "Today I am a cannibal."

But I have never been content to selfishly hoard my wisdom. Like many a convert, I want to proselytize, to share my knowledge, to show others that the key to a full and happy life is eating well. It's true -- in my own small way, I have always wanted to serve man; the logical way to do this was to write a book.

Since my escape from some unenlightened yet protein-rich jailkeepers at a correctional institution in 1995 (and, yes, gentle reader, I have deliberately altered dates and the first and last names of my meals in order to keep the authorities from tracking my whereabouts and revealing my identity), I have been circling the globe, writing and thinking, tasting and sampling some of the best food in the world. I've dined with royalty in the Netherlands and on royalty in Thailand; chewed the fat with the indigenous people of Peru; gone back for seconds in China, the world's largest buffet; and visited England, where the only meat worth eating is walking on two legs. In every land, I took notes, tasted the local cuisine, and started to put together the outline for this, my gift to you.

For I want to do more than share my recipes with you. I want you to share my way of thinking, because to me, cannibalism, like the Junior League, is more than a lifestyle, it's a way of life. So as you peruse this tome, earmarking the pages with interesting recipes, I urge you to keep in mind the Golden Rule of Cannibalism; as Hannibal Lecter would say, in an uncivilized age, there is nothing more civilized than having a few friends for dinner.

-- "Omnivorous," CBC

Copyright © 1999 by Wild Bronco Production, Inc.

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