Geezerhood: What to Expect from Life Now That You Are as Old as Dirt


If the bags under your eyes are larger than your shoes, if your wife has more hair on her face than you do on your head, if you both can sleep soundly and irritate the other drivers on the road. . . you need this book.
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If the bags under your eyes are larger than your shoes, if your wife has more hair on her face than you do on your head, if you both can sleep soundly and irritate the other drivers on the road. . . you need this book.
Read More Show Less

Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781885027061
  • Publisher: Apricot Press
  • Publication date: 1/28/1996
  • Pages: 116
  • Sales rank: 351,323
  • Product dimensions: 5.30 (w) x 8.20 (h) x 0.30 (d)

Read an Excerpt

From Chapter 1

If you are like most people, it probably doesn't seem all that long ago since you were a teeny bopper looking at people who were the age that you are now and seeing nothing but a drooping bag of varicose veins, flab, wrinkles, and dentures.You probably said to yourself in disgust, "I hope I'm dead before I get that old."

Here you are. You are that old. Sometimes you feel a little like a drooping bag of varicose veins, flab, wrinkles, and dentures. Yet, you are not completely dead. The amazing thing is, now that you are getting up there in years, you realize that being older might not really be all that bad. In fact, you look back and think, "I'm not so sure I would want to be 20 again...unless I got to take my brains and experience with me."

Oh sure; you could easily do without the loss of memory, back ache, bleeding gums, fatigue, loss of memory, sore joints, bad heart, loss of memory, extra weight, hemorrhoids, chronic indigestion, loss of memory, arthritis and loss of memory. And the loss of memory can be tough too, since, you don't comprehend what's trendy, and have trouble learning and remembering new stuff. Plus, the financial part can be the pits because your kids are breaking you, the government is milking you, and no one wants you working for them even if you felt like working, which you don't because you're so old, decrepit and beat up. So you're broke.

Aside from these minor inconveniences, if you're starting to 'geeze' you have probably concluded that, life probably could be a whole lot worse. At least the parts that you can remember. . . compared to the alternative. And at this point you're just not ready to end it all just to find out what's really on the other side.

The biggest problem you face is your fear of the unknown in your future, what there is left of it at least. You are losing the capacity, energy and disposition to deal with irritating (new) and un-certain things. When you had reflexes, strength, energy, and a memory, contemplating the unknown future wasn't so scary. You felt that whatever came up you could deal with. Now, with all of the experience you have gained, you know better. You need an expert to advise you of what's in your future. Because frankly, as you look at people older than you, you think things like, "I hope I'm dead before I get that old."

The purpose of this book is to provide enough information that we can successfully eliminate your fear of a geriatric future. Yes, after reading this book, you will probably be certain that you want to be dead before you get that old. This book could answer all of your questions about growing least the ones that you can remember, and it will most likely deal with a few that you probably aren't even interested in.

We are able to provide these trivial insights because besides being older than many forms of dirt ourselves, we have observed many people, some even older than us, for years. Moreover, for our age and in spite of the fact that we have arthritis, bad backs, hemorrhoids, arthritis, gout, gingivitis, arthritis, chronic indigestion, nutritional fatigue, arthritis, lower back pain, hair-loss, osteoporosis, Alzheimer's and arthritis, we still have remarkable memories, a quality we find exceptional for our age.

We believe that because of these terrific powers of memory, we are just the persons to write this book and grease your slide into senility.

By the way, did we mention that we have arthritis?

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Table of Contents

Chapter 1 - Looking at Your Future as a Fossil
Chapter 2 -- Are You a Geezer?
Chapter 3 -- What to Expect From Your Brain Now That You're as Old as Dirt
Chapter 4 -- What's in Store for Your Body When You're Chronologically Disadvantaged
Chapter 5 - Deciding What Kind of Geezer You Want to Be
Chapter 6 - Pick-Up Lines for Old Goats
Chapter 7 - Retirement Planning: An Exercise in Fossility and an Economic Oxymoron, Moron
Chapter 8 - Tax Strategies for Senile Old Saps
Chapter 9- Tax Strategies for Senile Old Saps: Part II
Chapter 10 -- The Geezer's Grail: How to Make People Think You're Younger Than You Really Are
Chapter 11 - Having Fallen Off the Thirty-Something Hill
Chapter 12 -- Your Deteriorating Health by Dr. Rupert Barnes
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