Getting to I Do

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Dr. Patricia Allen's jam-packed seminars in Los Angeles have resulted in over two thousand marriages. Now you too can take advantage of this proven step-by-step ...

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Getting To 'I Do'

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Dr. Patricia Allen's jam-packed seminars in Los Angeles have resulted in over two thousand marriages. Now you too can take advantage of this proven step-by-step program.

Here's what you'll learn:

  • How to attract the right man
  • When you should make the first move...and when you should not
  • Why equality in a relationship may not be what you're looking for
  • Why sex before commitment is a bad deal
  • How to have sensational sex
  • What makes a man run away from a relationship
  • How to know when you're giving too much
  • How to get what you want without asking
  • What makes a man want to commit

To help men and women negotiate their way to a loving, lasting union, psychotherapist Patricia Allen redefines traditional male and female roles and presents a unique blueprint couples can use to achieve a loving, long-lasting committed relationship. Nationally syndicated press release.

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Editorial Reviews

Los Angeles Magazine
Move over, Dr. Ruth!.
Beverly Hills Today
Just what cupid ordered!.
Patricia Allen
The woman's movement brought us independence, but it did not bring us love.
Publishers Weekly - Publisher's Weekly
Psychotherapist Allen offers advice on ways to cultivate long-term relationships. (Feb.)
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780380718153
  • Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
  • Publication date: 2/28/1995
  • Series: Avon Book Series
  • Pages: 272
  • Sales rank: 204,405
  • Product dimensions: 5.25 (w) x 8.00 (h) x 0.61 (d)

Read an Excerpt

Chapter One

Does This Sound Like You?

You're alone, successful, and the clock is ticking. You're still young; you are liberated and complex. You want your brains respected and your feelings cherished by a man you respect and cherish. You want to join with this man in a partnership of thoughts, feelings, and mutual life goalshome, family, and an interesting career. You have dated men who seem right in the beginning, but then it all falls apart ... usually within the first year. Sometimes you break free, and other times you stay too long.

You find yourself envying women with men you wouldn't want, who are mothers of unbearable kids who live in houses you hate -- why? You think of marrying that nice, boring man your accountant fixed you up with, or the man you met in the grocery store who knew the price of every item, and suddenly you feel sick in the pit of your stomach -- why?

You work more, hoping the money will feel good. You travel with your single/divorced women friends only to spend the time trying to catch a man. Or maybe you have a rare date with the "perfect" guy, but he just doesn't call back. You may still be with that married man who promises to leave his boring wife but never does.

You try to settle for that reasonably attractive associate professor of philosophy with the bright conversation and the clipout coupons for two-for-one dinners, but you just can't. Why?

Why People Arent Getting And Staying Married

Dr. Carl Jung said that every man has a feminine, feeling side, and every woman has a masculine, thinking side, but until the 1960s, men who had to go out into the world to become"breadwinners" repressed their feminine side, while women who married and became "homemakers" repressed their masculine side. In those days, traditional values still prevailed in dating, courtship, and marriage. Premarital sex was frightening because of the risk of pregnancy. Abortions were illegal, dangerous, and inaccessible to many. Divorce was still a scandal, and good women obeyed their husbands.

But in the early 1970s, the feminist movement communicated for the first time on a mass scale that "maleness," or the male qualities that represented success, was something that could be actively pursued by women. Money, power, independence, and prestige were all within a woman's grasp and for the first time represented something that could be realistically achieved without sacrificing cultural values. What was sacrificed were the traditional roles of male and female that had for generations been the foundation of successful relationships. In fact, women became ashamed -- and understandably so, given their new acculturation -- of being satisfied with the traditional female role.

Instead of just becoming "housewives," secretaries, or teachers, women also became managers, lawyers, college professors, and corporation presidents, just as men, not coincidentally, began releasing a more loving, gentle, and sensitive side of their nature. In Jungian terms, both women and men had begun to develop both sides of their true selves, the masculine as wen as the feminine.

Soon there were no rules of behavior particular to the male or the female in a romantic relationship. He could call her, or she could call him. She could pay for the date, or he could, or they could split it. He could pursue her, or she could pursue him. She could initiate sex, or he could. Free love was in. Commitment was out. Equality was the name of the game! Soon relationships became a kind of battleground on which men and women sought equal status, equal degrees of power and prestige.

If this were restricted to the boardroom, it would represent only a broadening of the field of combat-but, not surprisingly, it entered the bedroom as well. With both men and women vying for the same position, the courtship dance was abandoned to two partners struggling for the lead. In the process, we forgot how to make love to one another.

Then, with the onset of AIDS, things changed again. Free love was out; sexual responsibility was in. Commitment, monogamy, stability, and marriage became more desired and valued. Women began to realize that it wasn't just sex and success they wanted; they yearned for a husband and children-in other words, a family. But how were they to find it? Few knew how to get into a relationship, much less stay in one.

Grim statistics tell us that a small percentage of women over thirty will marry. Exactly half the marriages that are performed are doomed to end in divorce. What is almost as bad is the number of relationships that self-destruct before ever reaching the altar, before ever having the chance to beat those odds.

But you can beat the odds.

Do You Want It All, Or Are You Wiling To Compromise To Get Him?

Freud, at the end of his career, asked the question "What do women want?" The answer most appropriate today is "everything," and that is exactly what is wrong. Women (and men) who want it all end up with nobody to love.

In today's society, healthy men and women are so ambisexual, so fully both male and female, that they seem not to need each other anymore. Women can earn a living and live alone; men can cook and live alone. Nobody has to get married to have sex. Serial monogamy, which is a series of short-term, monogamous romances, is now the major relating formula of the day, and narcissism the predominant personality disorder.

There is nothing wrong with healthy narcissism, because it means that each of us has the right to be a total person, with both male and female qualities. We each have the right to think and to feel. We each have a right to our own body. We have the right to be an individual, separate from all others. So we have advanced to the place where we can be all by ourselves if we want to be. The problem is, how do we get together?

Getting to 'I Do'. Copyright © by Pat Allen. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.
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Table of Contents

Foreword 5
Introduction 17
Part 1 Before You Go Out the Door
Chapter 1. Does This Sound Like You? 21
Chapter 2. The Story of Two Women 30
Chapter 3. Choosing to Be Respected or Cherished 42
Chapter 4. Is Giving Masculine or Feminine? 57
Chapter 5. Are You the Woman You Think You Are? (Quiz) 64
Chapter 6. What Masculine Men Want from Feminine Women 71
Chapter 7. What Masculine-Energy Women Want from Feminine-Energy Men 79
Part 2 How to Attract a Man
Chapter 8. Flirt to Attract 91
Part 3 The Four Stages of a Relationship
The Perfect Phase (1-3 Months) 109
Chapter 9. Finding Your Prince 111
Chapter 10. No Sex Without Commitment 121
Chapter 11. How to Get What You Need from a Man Without Ever Asking for It 145
The Imperfect Phase (3-6 Months) 161
Chapter 12. Dealing with the Toad in Every Prince 163
Chapter 13. How to Handle Conflict 174
The Negotiation (6-9 Months) 181
Chapter 14. Striking a Deal 183
Chapter 15. How to Have Sex and Make It Great 205
Chapter 16. How to Keep a Sexual Relationship from Turning into an Obsessive Addiction 224
Commitment (9-12 Months) 233
Chapter 17. Getting Ready for Marriage 235
Part 4 The Rest of the Story
Chapter 18. For the Rest of Our Lives 257
Chapter 19. Ten Secrets for Getting and Keeping the Right Man 260
Chapter 20. Questions and Answers from the Floor 263
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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4
( 9 )
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Sort by: Showing all of 9 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted June 8, 2011

    A good lesson plan for single women

    There is a lot of truth to what Pat Allen writes about in this book. From experience, I can tell you that she is right about how men behave and how we women mess up potentially great relationships. The bottom line is that women need to let masculine men be men, and by that I mean assertive, hard working, problem-solving, protective, helpful, generous and independent minded. Otherwise, we wouldn't want to marry them! But she also makes it clear that women must set the boundaries for acceptable behavior from men, right from the very start of the relationship. In particular, women should not give themselves sexually to a man until he commits to an exclusive, continuous and long term relationship, and you share the same goals for the relationship. Why? Because women bond to men through sex, and it is our most intimate act. If we give it without this commitment, we will lose our self-esteem and feel used. A man's commitment is a sign that he is on his way to love, not just playing around. If a man says he is not ready for a commitment, believe him!! He just wants sex, not a relationship, and you will spend the rest of your time with him trying to convince him to love you, further regrading yourself. Read this book BEFORE you get involved with another man, and you will feel much better about yourself.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted February 24, 2009

    A must read for all Women and Men looking for a successful relationship

    I love this book; it has helped me separate being a modern professional woman and having a working intimate relationship. It really helped me understand how it's not equality but equity that helps a relationship succeed.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted February 22, 2004

    The Yin-Yang of Relationships

    This book has made a huge difference in my life,and I how I deal with all my relationships, both personal and professional. It's helped me better to understand my male-energy girlfriends and female-energy male co-workers. For me, Pat's overall message is about balance in a relationship - finding the complements and working through the differences.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 16, 2002


    This is the worst book that I have ever read in my life! Basically, this book should have been written in the 1950's for the June Cleaver type of marriage. Not to mention, the author has been divorced four times and counting! What healthy, educated woman wants to choose between being respected or being cherished?! Don't waste your money or time on this book!

    1 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 10, 2001

    It Works!

    I read this book about 4 years ago... I did everything it said... and I've been happily married now for two years. After I read the first 4 chapters I bought 10 of these books and gave them to my girlfriends. Unfortunately, most of them laughed at it and today they are still single or now unwed-mothers with no man. I've realized since then that some women will always be victims because they never listen to good advice. For every problem Dr. Patricia Allen gives an answer. I'm very happy.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 13, 2004


    Patricia Allen is a Brilliant!!! This book gives a viewpoint that may SHOCK many however only those that can't accept the way many things we were taught re: relationships now don't work! 60% divorce rate proves that.Dr. Paticia Allen has lived and learned and this book has changed my life and many of my friends.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 2, 2003


    If I only would of read this before I got married !!!! then divorced 10 months later ! Barbara Allen is right on the money with this book....

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 27, 2001

    If only I had read this 20 years ago!

    This is without a doubt the best - most understandable - book on successful relationships. NOW I know why I've struggled in past relationships. Every female should read this book!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 30, 2001

    I'm getting married this fall!

    This book will definitely help you define the role you wish to play in your relationship. It will help you understand yourself and your partner, including his communication style etc. I highly recommend it.

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