Read an Excerpt
Food of the Retards
I don’t remember anything obvious that happens during the day. I get really pissed and almost set fire to the house because my mom brings home chicken again. Good thing I don’t. After that, things start going pretty good cause she tells me she’s going on vacation in a week, and that’s the closest thing to having her dead.
Later that night, my mom and I are watching a show about crunchy peanut butter and Derek Wood calls up. He starts telling me about how Jeff Trenton just started whaling on his neighbor over a stolen Cabo Chicken Sub Sandwich. I mean I know they’re good, but I’m like, Damn. He then says he has to go take a piss for a second and he’ll be right back. I look over at my mom and she’s pretty shocked about all the work that goes into making one jar of peanut butter. Then I think I see her scratch her crotch, but I don’t know for sure.
It’s possible. Although her diet has been quite neutral, and she hasn’t been eating much sugar. Anyway, listen to this. All of a sudden Derek comes back on the phone, and he’s emotional as fuck. It’s like his mouth is really dry, but he STILL keeps swallowing.
Apparently, he put some Hot Pockets in the microwave before he went to the bathroom. Then, when he got back, the microwave was empty and the Hot Pockets were already on the counter. He says he can’t even chew them because of the fear inside. Hearing this, both of my elbows buckle, and, except for the usual stream of shaved vaginas, my mind goes completely blank.
I can’t believe a thing like this could happen to someone I party with. First off, I’m a skeptic. I’m not somebody who’s wild about ghosts; so I’m the last person to say it’s a butler from Mars or something like that. But there is no fucking way that the plate of Hot Pockets could have slid out of a closed microwave and onto the counter from natural forces. Derek then tells me he has to go and I’m like “OK” and I finish watching that peanut butter show with my bitch mom.
OK, there is a possibility that Derek just forgot he took the Hot Pocket4 out of the microwave, something he’s never done in his life. But this is impossible for two reasons: (1) I’ve known Derek for over two years and that’s something he -wouldn’t do. (2) This is totally something a ghost would do. (Trust me, if I were making this shit up, I’d be saying it was like ten Hot Pockets floating, not one. I’m not a dude who just says stuff.)
Nevertheless, the weirdest thing about it is that after Derek told me that story, nobody heard from him again until later that night. 2: Two Pissed--Off Dudes Why is it that a man sees a Hot Pocket floating in midair, has his whole life rumpled up for a couple minutes, and nobody does a THING about it? Often, it is an event so intrinsically shattering that no man can defend himself. Some people may say, Hey when you put stuff in perspective, that kind of thing won’t bother you. Well listen, the sudden tightening of your guts when somebody puts a knife to your throat is different than when a bird winks at you, but it’s still there.
It’s easy to laugh at people who say they’ve seen a Hot Pocket float. But what do we do when the laughter stops?
Any one of you could wake up tomorrow morning worrying about whether your neighbor is Indian or not, and by noon you can’t even swallow because you start hearing these weird--ass footsteps that sound exactly like an old lady’s—slow and tiny. This happens to millions of people all the time and there’s pretty much no explanation whatsoever.
THAT’S THE KIND OF SHIT I’M TALKING ABOUT! People all across the globe are getting freaked out and everybody else is all “Yo, I gotta go help my grandpa out with some stuff, call me later.” So these unexplained events will remain so until somebody, somebody who - doesn’t give a fuck, comes forward and speaks the truth about it. Well, that’s all about to change right now.
At this point, you might be asking yourself why someone like me has suddenly acquired an intellectual curiosity after a lifelong passion for nonintellectual endeavors, like jerking my gherkin. Well, I think there are certain people who are chosen for weird--ass reasons to do some bad--ass shit. I’m probably one of those mysterious people. So now, fully aware of the sensitive, even dangerous ground I’m treading on, I am completely prepared to beat the shit out of a ghost if I have to. And, even though there’s a lot of rich fucks out there who want me to keep quiet about this stuff, I believe doing so would be a crime against the scientific community, which I’ve been a member of now, for over a week.
Yeah, and there may even be a wave of deathbed confessions to come any day now too. But until that time, somebody needs to start talking about this stuff in an Open Forum, where people can express their frustrations and manage their emotions. Finally, for all you people out there who are sick of floating couch cushions or inexplicable squirting sounds, you don’t have to be a victim anymore.
In case there are any job positions in a scientific field, I’m definitely available. At my last job, my boss practically asked for my advice every day. He was a dipshit. I single--handedly saved the company from bankruptcy. Twice. The company was losing sales every day. (I -wasn’t supposed to know about that—so don’t bring it up with my boss if you call him.) So I increased the sales and everybody backed me up. We had a party later that month about the sales and I talked to everyone there and they said it was because of me. So what can I say? You can give them a call, but I got to see if it’s cool with them first. Then you can take the ball from there. I don’t have a problem with black-skinned people either.
3: Emotional Preparation Everything you know is BULLCRAP.
FACT: There is shit going on that we can’t even comprehend.
FACT: At any moment some dude could be watching you and you -wouldn’t even know it.
FACT: The government knows all this and won’t say a word.
Before we go any further, you got to be ready for some major crap. Because I’m about to talk about some stuff that may very well mess up your entire life, and the lives of your buddies.
All right, I guarantee that this will make a frighteningly huge amount of sense and it might/will scare some of you. I apologize for that. If you’re not intimidated yet, let me ask you this. Does the mere mention of severed heads scare the crap out of you? Or does the thought of some dude floating make you want to call a buddy and talk about it? If so, I’m going to tell you something: this isn’t for you. Because the rest of this book is full of crap just like that, or worse. Most people simply can’t handle it. Even though you think you could, I am pretty sure most of you would collapse on the floor in an instant. And for others, it will be hard to imagine that things like this actually do happen.
But these things do happen, every day.6 Oh, and if you’re one of those people who think that we should first be trying to the solve the world’s socioeconomic problems, like child prostitution or the price of a taco, before we even THINK about dealing with ghosts/ aliens, then try this: Imagine you’re about to go to sleep at night and there’s this really weird green face right outside your window, staring at you. Makes global politics seem meaningless, -doesn’t it?
You might even be thinking, “Dude. I heard this story before, and I’m still alive.” And yes, I KNOW, a pillow (acting alone) will never be able to do a hostile takeover of Air Force One, BUT what if there were several pillows acting in unison with each other? Puts things in a different perspective?
Now, for those of you who are ready to deal with an investigation this huge, I got to prepare you.
THE FEAR BARRIER
Most people -wouldn’t even think about entering a super old house where one hundred years ago, some dude went nuts and got into a huge fight with his cats and birds and his other pets. This actually happened, and I won’t bore you with the details, but the guy’s nose was found two hundred miles away, stuffed with acorns. Most people would be thinking, “If I went there and I did see something, I would FLIP the FUCK OUT. I don’t even know what I would do, but it - wouldn’t be cool, not at all.”
Me too, no questions asked. But most people -wouldn’t. I think most people’s instinct when they see a ghost or an alien would be to get out of there as fast as they can. But there are a chosen few who would instinctively fight it as well. So before we do anything we have to first deal with the fear barrier.
The most important thing you’ll learn here: ghosts and aliens don’t give a crap, and neither should you. And that’s how you have to be when you’re dealing with these guys. Tell yourself that you’re crazy. That it -doesn’t even matter if you die because you saw some shit that only a couple people on Earth will ever see. You have got to break through that fear barrier because that’s the only way.
Your best protection is the life you lead. If you’re not cool at all, and basically a dick, then evil will cross your path. But there is no guarantee.7
In the end though, there’s nothing that you can do to emotionally prepare yourself for a floating couch cushion or an alien going berserk in your backyard. So just keep a picture of Little Richard with you at all times, because it’s impossible to stay scared when you look at it. And always have some peanuts handy in case you run into trouble and can’t get to a food source. A single peanut can power your brain for over an hour. No joke.
Exactly. Grandpas are cool when they’re alive, BUT that -doesn’t mean that we should let our guard down when they’re dead. We have to understand that a ghost’s energy is deadlier than the deadliest poisonous gas in terms of the accuracy, intensity, and duration of its action—a fact that one of Bulgaria’s senior--most diplomats agrees with.8 (Note: If your grandpa was beheaded, then it’s three times as likely he’ll become a ghost. Expect action.)
Trey Hamburger 681 Lake George Road Leonard, MI 48367
March 8, 2008
Dr. Peter Bodenheimer Astronomy & Astrophysics 201 Interdisciplinary Sciences Building (ISB) Santa Cruz, CA 95064
Dear Dr. Bodenheimer,
For centuries, scientists thought there was only stuff that exists. But recently, it has come to my attention that there is some stuff that -doesn’t exist that really does exist. Sounds like bullshit until you realize Einstein said it. He -didn’t. But what if he did?.?.?.
During the last couple weeks, incidents in Berlin, London, Moscow, Tokyo, and Leonard, Michigan, have pretty much proved the existence of ghosts/aliens. And a lot of people at the top are scared.
For a long time I thought physicists were retarded, because of what my mom said. And I’m sorry for that. But now, my colleague Mike Stevens and I need to know about the existence of ghosts and/or aliens. (A lot of my associates are going nuts just thinking about the possibilities: Jeff Trenton knows of several intergalactic fights that have taken place—dogfights. So don’t think it’s just us.)
Now most scientists, I assume, say that aliens don’t exist because they’re afraid people would go berserk and run down the street and start swinging around katana swords and not go to work the next morning because what’s the point. But look, me and Mike definitely - wouldn’t do that. We won’t start amassing a huge amount of knives and armor for an intergalactic battle. Or go to some store and just run out with an armful of cigarettes because nobody will give a CRAP about prison after the invasion. We’ll chill, I promise.
And don’t worry, if you tell us, we won’t tell anybody it was you. We’ll just say it was some dude we know, but we’ll never say exactly who.
Thanks a lot,
Trey Hamburger, a mature person who won’t go nuts if he finds out ghosts or aliens exist
Mike Stevens, another guy of similar nature
P.S. Please RSVP soon so me and Mike can start preparing if we have to.
If he believes we’re a couple of emotionally mature people, then maybe. Regardless, we’ll have to wait.
BIG-TIME. What about you?
From the Trade Paperback edition.