Global Village Idiot: Dubya, Dunces, and One Last Word Before You Vote [NOOK Book]

Overview


Winner of the Best Columnist of the Year at the British Liars’ Awards and Britain’s finest satirist, O’Farrell takes dead aim in Global Village Idiot at cell phones, awards ceremonies, genetic sheep splicers, America’s right wing cabal of dunces, dunderheads, dimwits, and the Big ‘D’ himself. “Just when we thought the lawlessness in Iraq was over,” O’Farrell observes, “even more blatant incidents of looting have begun. With handkerchiefs masking their faces, two rioters roughly the height of George Bush and ...
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Global Village Idiot: Dubya, Dunces, and One Last Word Before You Vote

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Overview


Winner of the Best Columnist of the Year at the British Liars’ Awards and Britain’s finest satirist, O’Farrell takes dead aim in Global Village Idiot at cell phones, awards ceremonies, genetic sheep splicers, America’s right wing cabal of dunces, dunderheads, dimwits, and the Big ‘D’ himself. “Just when we thought the lawlessness in Iraq was over,” O’Farrell observes, “even more blatant incidents of looting have begun. With handkerchiefs masking their faces, two rioters roughly the height of George Bush and Donald Rumsfeld kicked in the gates of the largest oilfield and grabbed the keys of the gasoline trucks. ‘Yee-haw! It’s all ours! Millions of barrels of the stuff’ they laughed. ‘Yup!’ added the leader ‘ and this mask guarantees my anonymousinity!’ So after all these years there really is such a person as the Thief of Baghdad. Except strangely his accent sounded vaguely Texan.”

A writer for the groundbreaking television show Spitting Image and contributor to the screenplay for the hit movie Chicken Run, O’Farrell meticulously researched his conclusions “by spending five minutes on the internet and then giving up.” And while O’Farrell’s sharpest barbs and stingers have often been written to come out of the mouths of grotesque puppets and Claymation chickens, this time around he keeps the best lines for himself: ‘‘With the election of the 43rd President of the United States, the global village is complete,” O’Farrell writes. “’It has its own global village idiot.’”

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Editorial Reviews

Publishers Weekly
Satirist O'Farrell is the U.K.'s answer to Dave Barry (he was named Best Columnist of the Year at the British Liars' Awards and contributed to the screenplay of Chicken Run). He collected his caustic columns from the Guardian for U.K. publication in 2001 and now offers a "slightly different version" for American readers. The cover shows Bush wearing a dunce cap. ``I've had gym teachers smarter than George W. Bush.... When Dubya takes his seat in the Oval Office the global village will finally be complete," O'Farrell wrote three years ago. "At last it will have its own global village idiot." But Bush isn't O'Farrell's only target, and the satirist doesn't deal in idle whimsy. He unleashes devilish darts across the full sociopolitical landscape, covering such topics as fox hunting, in vitro fertilization ("Who was the first baby ever to be produced through IVF? Why, Jesus Christ himself of course"), the high-tech war on terrorism ("Soon NATO forces will be able to blow up the wrong building far more quickly than they have been able to do in the past"), McDonald's and boxing ("Mike Tyson remains a role model for thousands. Where I live in South London far more young working class men have named their pet Rottweillers `Tyson' than say, `Chomsky' "). Most readers left of center will appreciate O'Farrell's humor; for them, the hilarity is so thorough that even the closing "Note on the Type" brings chortles. (Feb.) Copyright 2004 Reed Business Information.
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781555847050
  • Publisher: Grove/Atlantic, Inc.
  • Publication date: 12/1/2007
  • Sold by: Barnes & Noble
  • Format: eBook
  • Pages: 288
  • File size: 2 MB

Meet the Author


John O’Farrell is one of the UK’s best-selling authors and has written for all the top British satirical TV shows including Spitting Image. He contributed to the screenplay of the movie Chicken Run and has even written jokes for the speeches of Tony Blair.
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Read an Excerpt

Global Village Idiot

Dubya, Dunces, and One Last Word Before You Vote
By John O'Farrell

Grove Atlantic, Inc.

Copyright © 2003 John O'Farrell
All right reserved.

ISBN: 0-8021-4038-6


Introduction

My mother grew up during World War II and doesn't like to waste anything. So when she had a new hip joint fitted recently she asked the doctor if she could take the old bone home for her dog. I suppose I should just be grateful that she didn't boil it up to make a delicious stock. "What sort of soup is this, Mother?" "It's Mom's hipbone and country vegetable." I told my friends this story and we all had a good chuckle. But then I overheard one of them telling someone else and as more laughter echoed around the pub I thought, "Hang on, what gives you the right to laugh at my family?" And so it is with poking fun at your own country and its government. It's all very well for Americans to satirize the Bush administration, but that doesn't give every liberal limey the right to start sniping at the U.S. president. Thus it is with some trepidation and a sense of humility that I offer this collection of essays to you from the other side of the Atlantic. I love the United States and its people whom I know have a great sense of humour, so please do not think that any criticism of your president or Republican Party policies is an attack on you as a patriotic American (unless you yourself happen to bereading this, Dubya, which-let's face it-is unlikely given the absence of pictures). It is because the United States has historically been a beacon of free expression and democracy that I worry about the direction in which its government is now leading the free world. You did a great job throwing off the hereditary monarchy of George III. It just seems strange that you adopted the hereditary presidency of George II. I also have great respect for the American traditions of free speech as enshrined in the First Amendment, and I was sort of hoping that this right might extend to non-U.S. citizens who aspire to noble American values (i.e., making a quick buck by selling a load of jokes that have been printed in British newspapers once already). My country is said to have a special relationship with America, which is very important to us here in Britain, if only as an excellent way to annoy the French. So I hope you understand that any jokes at your country's expense from this particular Brit are very much in the spirit of a critical friend. Okay, maybe one of those friends who stole your girlfriend and still owes you money and never calls you except to ask unreasonable favours, but a friend nonetheless. With a degree of distance from the United States and the American media it could even be that a British eye on topical events might offer a fresh perspective. Some things seem normal just because things have always been that way where we happen to live. When Vlad the Impaler was prince of Wallachia, many of his subjects were shocked at the radical suggestions of visitors from abroad. "What, stop impaling people altogether?!! Surely you mean gradually introduce some form of licensed impaling after hearing evidence from the Guild of Impalers?" In fact most of these pieces are not about American politics at all. Instead I have sought to cover as wide a range of topics as possible, from human cloning to the Miss World competition to soft-core pornography. (Come to think of it, these are all the same subject, aren't they?) I have tried to avoid banging on and on about the issues that really bug me because I thought it might get a bit boring for people to keep reading about car alarms and the uncooperative nature of my printer. Most of the essays are about three pages each-the idea being that you can sit down and read one piece a day, or possibly two, depending on whether you had All-Bran or boiled eggs for breakfast. Or perhaps you are travelling and keep being interrupted by a fellow passenger chatting to you, or maybe you're distracted by those bits of molten engine casing dropping off the wing, and in these situations it can be hard to concentrate on some major literary classic. But like the novels of Jackie Collins you can read this book in any random order and it will make no difference whatsoever to how much you enjoy it. This collection begins with George W. Bush well on the way to getting his new job, and ends soon after Saddam Hussein loses his. Where there is some topical or peculiarly British reference that might need further clarification I've inserted an asterisk to denote that there will be an explanatory footnote at the bottom of the page. I have left in the dates that the pieces first appeared although most of them are about issues that are very much still with us. This is only one person's reaction to the great events and profound moral issues that are shaping the new milennium millenium century. But as America heads toward the next presidential election I hope there may be a few things here worth remembering before you vote. Most importantly I hope this collection raises the occasional smile in a time when there seems to be less and less to laugh about. As the old saying goes, "You either laugh or you cry." Or you think of Dubya being elected to a second term and you do both. JO'F-London, 2003 P.S. My apologies are offered for any factual inaccuracies discovered subsequent to publication, but all details have been thoroughly researched by spending five minutes on the Internet and then giving up. For example, to check the story of nurses giving sex education in schools, I called up the search engine and entered the words "nurses" and "sex." And then I was thrown out of my local library. (Continues...)



Excerpted from Global Village Idiot by John O'Farrell Copyright © 2003 by John O'Farrell. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Introduction 1
Glossary 5
Not such a "Super Tuesday" if Dubya wins it ... 8
The end of the world is nigh - appoint a task force 14
From here to paternity 17
Ecumenical with the truth 20
Don't ban fox hunting - it's far too unpopular 23
I give you my heart (and my kidneys and pancreas) 27
www.over-hyped.com 30
And the award for the best awards ceremony ... 33
Snobs' Borstal; only [pound]15,000 a year 36
So what happened to the peace dividend? 39
Why was Mother Nature a single mum? 42
Charity begins a long way from home 45
Anarchy and apathy in the UK 48
Ship of fools 53
Gawd bless yer, ma'am 56
Keep the pink flag flying 59
The war is over 62
Microsoft world 65
A midsummer's night dome 68
Missile impossible, part two 71
Afghan hounds welcome; Afghan people join the back of the line 74
New balls, please 77
57 channels and nothing on 80
Hoarding the countryside 83
Own goal 86
Vous etes dans l'armee, maintenant 89
A man is robbed every twenty minutes (and he's getting pretty fed up with it) 92
Britain lashed by hurricane! 95
The 43rd president of the United States is - er ... 98
Only 16 shoplifting days left till Christmas 102
Nature versus nurture - away win 106
Artificial intelligence is over my head 109
The spies with the golden pension plan 112
More hot air from George Bush 115
U R sckd 118
Not being patriotic: no one does it like us Brits 121
Some coke with your champagne? 124
Dubya gets his first passport 127
Choose the sex of your child 130
After you with the trough 133
Product placemeNt sIcKEns me 136
Clone-age man 139
The scientists are making it all up 145
Welcome to England; Smacking Area - 200 yards 149
Prince Edward - stalker laureate 152
Lack of identity cards 155
Time to loosen our belts 158
How do you solve the problem of Osama? 161
Snakes and property ladders 164
Fundamentally anti-faith schools 170
Osama's Christmas message 173
Tyson bites yer legs 176
As English as baseball itself 179
War! Hurr! What is it good for? 182
Does the working class exist? 185
Sunday Dads 188
God bless the World Cup 191
In-flight entertainment 197
No sex please, we're teenage boys 200
Off with her head! 203
Talking rubbish 206
Computerised GIs 209
Never mind the terrorists, it's the accountants I'm worried about 212
Rats! 216
Soccer fans are revolting 219
I'm a world leader, get me out of here! 222
French lessons 225
Give thanks that Britain doesn't have Thanksgiving 231
Weapons of mass distraction 234
Miss World shows her age 237
Election battle 240
Off the wall 243
That's slaughtertainment! 246
Free market forces 249
McDonald's to go, please 252
The thief of Baghdad 255
An American in Paris (in a Sherman tank) 258
I don't want spam! 261
United [Nations crossed out in text] States 264
Acknowledgments 271
A note on the type 273
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Customer Reviews

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Sort by: Showing all of 9 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted May 8, 2013

    Meh

    Hottest- my hubby valentino :3 ~TIBBY

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 29, 2013

    !

    Hottest: Valentino/idk Craziest: Storm/Sparrow/Fang Most Dramatic: Gurtix/Storm/Sparrow Most Idiotic: Egrith/Justin Meanest: Hades/Killian Best Grammar: hm... idk... Smartest: Xavier Most Wise: Valentino ((did you guys hear what he was saying yesterday?! I was like, BOOM! MIND BLOWN!)) Drunk: Greece(?)/idk Smokers: Zachary/Sebastian Annoying: Egrith/Justin Worst Couple: Mya and Fizzy... idk why but they just bug meh

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 28, 2013

    Luna

    O.o JUDGERS!!!! ((I dun think l spelled that right...))

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 28, 2013

    Anonymous

    HOTTEST: Logan/ Crystal CUTEST COUPLE: Steven and Mia MOST DRAMATIC: Storm SMARTEST: Xavier CRAZIEST: Storm. ((Anonymous Bidder. F. Y. I. I am none of the characters i have posted.))

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 28, 2013

    -..-

    Hottest:Jade. Nicest: Castella. (She quit). Smartest:Xavier/Mr.Crin/Coconut. (I think). Craziest: Storm, or Guthix. Dirtiest:Undecided. Best song:Downfall by Trust Company. Best artist:Skindred. Best genre:Rock. Stupidiest:Depends on your actions. Suicidal:Guthix? Best drinker:Storm, Fang, or Guthix. Best movie:Close Encounters Of The Thrid Kind. Best book:No idea.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 28, 2013

    :P

    Most arrogant- storm and fang. Hottest- storm and fang. Dumbest- egrith. Awesomest- sparrow.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 28, 2013

    Best Movie

    SWEEDEY TODD!!! :D

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 28, 2013

    ¿_~

    Best movies: Lion king, nemo, spirit the stallion of cimerron...

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 28, 2013

    Smartest Derp

    Luna or Claire.

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