God's Ear: A Play

by Jenny Schwartz

Overview

God's Ear marks the debut of Jenny Schwartz, "an indelibly clever playwright, possessed of linguistic playfulness and a lively sense of rhythm" (Alexis Soloski, The Village Voice). Through the skillfully disarming use of clichéd language and homilies, the play explores with subtle grace and depth the way the death of a child tears one family apart, while showcasing the talents of a promising young playwright who "in [a] very modern way [is] making a rather old-fashioned case for the power of the written word" (Jason Zinoman, The New York Times).

Fresh from its critically acclaimed off-off-Broadway run this past spring, God's Ear moves off-Broadway to the Vineyard Theatre in April 2008.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781429996273
Publisher:	Farrar, Straus and Giroux
Publication date:	04/01/2008
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	180
File size:	307 KB

About the Author

Jenny Schwartz's play God's Ear was produced off-off Broadway in May 2007 and moved off-Broadway in April 2008. Two of Jenny's plays, Intervals and Cause for Alarm, were part of the New York Fringe Festival, in 1998 and 2002, respectively. She is the recipient of a grant from the Lincoln Center Lecomte du Nuoy Foundation and is the 2007-2008 recipient of the Dorothy Stresling Foundation Fellowship at Soho Rep. Jenny completed two years of fellowship in the Playwriting Program at the Julliard School and holds an MFA in theater directing from Columbia University.

Read an Excerpt

God's Ear

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By Jenny Schwartz

Farrar, Straus and Giroux

Copyright © 2008 Jenny Schwartz
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4299-9627-3

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CHAPTER 1

Act 1


Scene 1

MEL and LANIE are at home. TED comes and
goes.


MEL
Are you my husband?
I can't tell.
It's dark in here.
And I'm floating around.
And my mind is empty.
And my body is empty.
And my soul ...
Do I have a soul?
How was your flight?

TED
Fine.
I slept.

MEL
Did you sleep?

TED
Off and on.

MEL
The whole time?

TED
Almost.

MEL
Good.
You needed it.
Did you take a pill?

TED
I did.

MEL
One or two?

TED
Just one.

MEL
One and a half?

TED
Just one.

MEL
Three?

TED
One.

MEL
Good.

TED
Three are two too many.

MEL
I know.
Are you mocking me?
You're mocking me.
Did you eat?

TED
A little.

MEL
Are you hungry?

TED
Starving.

MEL
Don't say starving.
I'm trying to get Lanie to stop saying she's starving.
She's not starving.
She gets a hundred percent of her daily everything.
Should I fix you something when you get home?
I could make my famous omelet.
Although I'd rather not break any legs.

TED
Eggs?

MEL
Danger: salmonella.
Let me know what you decide.

TED
How is Lanie?

MEL
Fine, she's fine.
She wants to be Helen Keller when she grows up.
I don't know what to tell her.

TED
And you?

MEL
I'd like to own my own shop.
Flowers.
Maybe.
No ... convenience.
No ... concessions.
Ted?

TED
Yes?

MEL
Remember that pillbox?
The one I got you?
The organizer?
With the days of the week?
I looked for it.
I couldn't find it.
Will you look for it?
For me?
Please?
When you get home?
I went to the doctor.
He says I'm deficient.
I have deficiencies.
He gave me a list.
A list of vitamins.
Have you heard of boron?
Selenium?
Vitamin B-12?
Vitamin C-3PO?
I went to the drugstore.
I bought some for you too.
Men's vitamins.
You'll find them in the kitchen, on the counter, next to the tea.
I moved the tea.
I took the tea bags out of their boxes and put them in jars, glass jars, in
the kitchen, on the counter, next to the vitamins.
I cleaned out the medicine cabinet.
I cleaned it up.
I cleaned it out and up.
There was a bottle of cough medicine stuck to the shelf.
I couldn't get it off.
I chipped away at it.
With a knife.
Finally, it gave.
But then, it slipped and shattered, and I must have screamed, because
Lanie came running, and she was screaming too, and I said, "Don't
come in here, Lanie, not with bare feet."
And she said, "What about the dog?"
And I said, "What about the cat?"
And she said, "What about the bunny?"
And I said, "We don't have a bunny."
And she said, "Please can we get a bunny, please please please?"
And I said, "Bunnies aren't domestic."
And she said, "Neither are you."
And I said, "Some things are better left outside."
But then, it wasn't blood at all.
Only cough medicine.
From 1903.
Oh and Ted, the closet in the hallway, with the full-length mirror, I
went to open the door, and the doorknob came out.
There I was with a doorknob in my hand.
There I was with a doorknob in my hand.
There's an echo.
Do you hear it?
There's an echo.
Do you hear it?
I tried to shove it back in, but it wouldn't catch.
Would you mind prying it open for me, please, the closet door, when
you get home, if you don't mind?
Thanks.
Or else I'll have to go out and buy all new everything.
And I don't want to do that.
I'm ill-equipped.

TED
How are you otherwise?

MEL
The same.
Pretty much.

TED
More or less?

MEL
More.

TED
Give or take?

MEL
Take.

TED
Damn it!
I cut my ear.
Earlier.
I was shaving.

MEL
I bit my lip.
Before.
I also burned my tongue.
And my urine, Ted, it's blue, baby blue.
Not to worry, though, I called the doctor, and it's normal to be
deficient.
How was your flight?

TED
Pain in the neck.
The woman sitting next to me on the plane, she looked so familiar.

MEL
Was she an actress?

TED
I don't think so.

MEL
A movie star?

TED
I don't know.

MEL
Next time have her sign something.
Have her sign your ticket.
Was she a news anchor?

TED
She asked me what I did to my ear.

MEL
Why do they call themselves anchors?

TED
I told her I cut it shaving.
She ordered five vodkas.
I said, "Who orders five vodkas?"
She said, "Who shaves their ear?"
Anyway, we got to talking, and what do you know ...

MEL
Why is it that everyone you talk to has a dead son?

TED
Small world?

MEL
Tiny.

TED
Life is short?

MEL
Life is a shrimp.

TED
He was ten, she said.
He drowned.
She was looking the other way.

MEL
On the plane?

TED
Never mind.

MEL
At the lake?

TED
What lake?

MEL
And my feet are pale.
And I've lost my slippers.
And the cat has chlamydia.
Again.

TED
Not again.

MEL
And the dog bit the electrician.
His upper, inner thigh.
It's too bad because I liked the electrician.
Ruddy cheeks.
He was Irish.
He was here every day for seven days, and on the seventh day, she bit
him.
And now he's gone, and look at me, I can't see a thing.
Where are you now?

TED
Baggage claim.

MEL
What are you doing?

TED
Waiting for my bag.

MEL
I thought you hate checking bags.
I thought as long as you live, you'll never check another one.

TED
I was early.
I had time to kill.
I didn't want to lug it around.

MEL
Did you go to duty free?
Did you buy me my perfume?
I'm out.
I'm almost out.

TED
I did.
I tried.
There was a line.

MEL
Did you forget?

TED
I never forget.

MEL
You were early.
You could have waited.

TED
I was starving.
I had to eat.

MEL
Don't say starving.
I'm trying to get Lanie to stop saying she's starving.
She's not starving.
She gets a hundred percent of her daily everything.
Should I fix you something when you get home?
I could make my famous omelet.
Although I'd rather not break any legs.

TED
Eggs?

MEL
Danger: salmonella.
Let me know what you decide.

TED
How is Lanie?

MEL
Fine, she's fine.
You'll never guess ...
She lost a tooth.

TED
Which one?

MEL
The loose one.

TED
Which one?

MEL
This one.
Here.
She was eating popcorn.
Unpopped.
Just the kernels.
I have the tooth fairy here.
We're waiting for you.
Are you almost home?
Or should we go ahead without you?

TED
I'm on the bridge.

MEL
You should avoid the bridge.

THE TOOTH FAIRY appears.

Remember when I looked in the mirror and caught your eye, and all of
a sudden, we were together again?
And then you went away.
And I was somewhere else.
We'd call and check in.
At first, every day.
Then, less so, over time.
I wrote you a letter.
Did you get it?
Did I mail it?
Dear Ted,
Are you my husband?
I can't tell.
You have the silhouette of my husband.
But silhouettes can be deceiving.
Are you coming home for dinner?
Christmas?
Easter?
Nor'easter?

TED
Maybe.
Maybe not.

MEL
Which is it?
Maybe?
Or maybe not?
Is my guess as good as yours?
Oh and Ted, your sister called.

TED
Which one?

MEL
The loose one.

TED
Which one?

MEL
That one.
There.
I told her you were out.
Exploring other options.
Signed, M.
As in empty.
Smiley face.
P.S. Send this letter to twenty-five people in twenty-five minutes and
get rich quick.
Otherwise ... (makes throat-slitting gesture and sound)
You're soaking wet.

TED
It's raining.

MEL
Do you want a towel?
I'll get you a towel.

TED
I'm sorry.

MEL
Don't be sorry.

TED
I'm sorry.

MEL
You should be.

TED
I'm sorry.

MEL
You always say that and you always lie.

TED
I'm somewhat sorry.
Does that count?
I lost my umbrella.

MEL
You could have bought a new one.

TED
I wanted to get home.

MEL
I'm glad you're home.

TED
I'm glad I'm home too.
I missed you.

MEL
I missed you too.

TED
No, but I really missed you.
Those are just words to you, but I mean it.

MEL
I mean it too.

TED
Then, tell me again.

MEL
I mean it too.

TED
Damn it!

MEL
You did cut your ear.

TED
Look at you.

MEL
Don't look at my feet.
Take off your clothes.
You're going to catch cold.
Tomorrow, you'll call in sick.
I'll take care of you.
I don't know how, but I'm sure I'll think of something.
I'll make you chicken soup.
And cinnamon toast.
You can blow your nose in my sleeve.
Remember I used to roll up my sleeve, and you'd tickle my arm?
At the movies?
Under the table?
And now, I'd rather cut off my arm than have you tickle it.
Don't go.
Stay.
You're always running off.
How was your flight?

TED
What do you care?

MEL
Come back.

TED
And then what?

MEL
And then you'll say, "Why? Why are you always so mean?"

TED
You used to be so sweet.
You used to say "Gesundheit" to the dog.

MEL
And then we'll kiss.
And then I'll scratch your back.
Higher.
A little higher.
There.
Right there.
And then you'll hold me.
And protect me.
And I'll forgive you.
And you'll understand me.

And I'll never stop loving you.
And you won't ever think of leaving me.
And I'll laugh at all your jokes.
And you'll never disappoint me.

And you'll swoop down and save the day.
And I'll bend over backwards and light up the room.

And we'll thank God.
And God will bless America.
And with God as our witness, we'll never be starving again.

And the fog will lift.
And we'll see eye to eye.
And the cows will come home.
And we'll dance cheek to cheek.

And we'll face the music.
And smell the coffee.
And know where to turn.
And which end is up.

And the dogs will stop biting.
And the bees will stop stinging.
And this too shall pass.
And all good things.

And we'll make love.
The old-fashioned way.
Blindfolded.
With one hand tied behind our back.

And hell will be freezing.
And pigs will be flying.
And Rome will be built.
And water will be wine.

And truth will be told.
And needs will be met.
And boys will be boys.
And enough will be enough.

And we'll cross that bridge.
And bridge that gap.
And bear that cross.
And cross that t.

And part that sea.
And act that part.
And turn that leaf.
And turn that cheek.

And speak our minds.
And mind our manners.
And clear our heads.
And right our wrongs.

And count our blessings.
And count our chickens.
And pick our battles.
And eat our words.

And take it slow.
And make it last.
And have it made.
And make it fast.

And take it back.
And see it through.
And see the light.
And raise the roof.

And make the most.
And make the best.
And work it out.
And mend the fence.

And wait it out.
And play it down.
And live it up.
And paint the town.

And take care.
And eat right.
And sleep well.
And stay calm.

And have fun.
And have faith.
And face facts.
And move on.

And own up.
And come clean.
And start fresh.
And take charge.

And stand tall.
And save face.
And steer clear.
And live large.

And then we'll kick up our heels.
And have it both ways.
And take a deep breath.
And take it like men.

And sit back.
Relax.

And ride off into the horseshit.

For richer, for poorer.
In sickness and in health.
And the fat lady will sing.
With bells on.

THE TOOTH FAIRY sings to MEL and TED.


THE TOOTH FAIRY



The sun is rising on the sea.

My bowl is full of cherries.

The best things in life all are free,

And we believe in fairies.



My life is like Act Five, Scene Three,

Where everybody marries.

And if misery loves company,

Why am I standing here all alone?



There are rings and rings around the moon.

The clouds have silver linings.

I gather all the teeth at noon,

And take them to book signings.

I'm whistling a happy tune,

And drinking tea from Twinings.

And if nothing interesting happens soon,

I'm gonna — (makes throat-slitting gesture

and sound)



You have no idea what it means to be a public figure.

I'm not usually this heavy.
But I recently had a baby.
Unfortunately —

TED
Did he die?

THE TOOTH FAIRY
He did.

TED
Anything I can do?

THE TOOTH FAIRY
You can hand me a tissue.
With aloe.
Aloe is nature's way of saying I'm sorry.

TED
Sorry?

THE TOOTH FAIRY
Nothing.

TED
What?

THE TOOTH FAIRY
Forget it.

TED
Sorry?

THE TOOTH FAIRY
Nothing.

TED
What?

MEL
Ow!
Paper cut.
I'm bleeding.

TED
Are you bleeding?

MEL
It's deep.

TED
Is it deep?

MEL
Quiet.
It's healing.
A scab.

TED
Don't pick it.

MEL
I'll pick it if I want to.
It's my scab, isn't it?

TED
I paid for it, didn't I?

MEL
I took a bath, then cleaned the tub, then took a bath, then cleaned the
tub.

I made a list, then ripped it up, then made a list, then ripped it up.

I bought a new fish for the fish tank.
But it killed all the other fish, and then it killed itself.

TED
How are you otherwise?

MEL
I'm not all I'm cracked up to be.

TED
I don't know what that means.

MEL
Don't sell yourself short.

TED
I brought you something.

MEL
You shouldn't have.

TED
I wanted to.

MEL
Why?

TED
No reason.

MEL
You know I hate surprises.

TED
Why?

MEL
No reason.

TED
Now, close your eyes.

MEL
For what?

TED
For fun.
Now, open your eyes.

MEL
For what?

TED
For fun.

MEL(looking at the gift)
Oh Ted, they're ...

TED
Slippers.

MEL
Do they keep on giving?

TED
What do you think?

MEL
I love them, I think.
But I don't like them, I don't think.
I like the idea of them, I think.
But I don't like the expression of the idea of them, I don't think.

TED
I saw them in the store window, and I thought of you.
I thought they looked like you.
Like the way you used to look.
Before you bit your tongue.

MEL
Lip.

TED
Before you burned your tongue.
I can't talk.
I'm in a room full of people.
It's hot.
We're sweating through our suits.

MEL
And the women?

TED
There are no women.

MEL
And the hotel?

TED
It's all right.

MEL
How's your room?

TED
I suppose.

MEL
Wait.

TED
What?

MEL
Shh ...
I'm trying to imagine the rest of my life without you ...
Ted?

TED
Yes?

MEL
What's that around your ankle?
Is that a thong?
Is that a thong around your ankle?
Why is there a thong around your ankle?
Who does it belong to?
No don't tell me please don't tell me no don't tell me I don't want to
know.

TED
Amanda.
It belongs to Amanda.

MEL
Does Amanda have a name?

TED
Tina.

MEL
Does Bridget have a name?

TED
Marie.

MEL
Does Chloe have a name?

TED
Sonya.

MEL
Does Hilary have a name?

TED
Gail.

MEL
Does Ellen have a name?

TED
Nancy.

MEL
Does Barbara have a name?

TED
Lourdes.

MEL
Does Ingrid have a name?

TED
Lenora.

MEL
I only know one Lenora.
The electrician, this morning, he gave the dog the finger.
There's a child in this house, I said.
We don't use that finger.

TED
How is the dog?

MEL
Ask her yourself.

TED
How is the dog?

MEL
She doesn't exist as far as the cat's concerned.

TED
How is the dog?

MEL
Needy.
She thinks I'm going to leave her.
I can't imagine why.

TED
How is the dog?

MEL
Clever.
She thinks you get Lyme disease from limes.

TED
How is the dog?

MEL
Bloated.

She thinks food is love and love is food and love is food and food is
love.

TED
How is the dog?

MEL
She has a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.

TED
How is the dog?

MEL
Pissy.
She's given up caffeine.
She's gone cold turkey.

TED
And you?

MEL
I turned on the TV and lit a cigarette.

TED
Just one?

MEL
Yes.

TED
Two?

MEL
Yes.

TED
Six?

MEL
Yes.

TED
Ten?

MEL
Did you go to duty free?
Did you buy cigarettes?

TED
I did.
I tried.
There was a line.

MEL
Did you forget?

TED
I never forget.

MEL
You were early.
You could have waited.

TED
I was starving —

MEL
GO AHEAD!
STARVE!
SEE IF I CARE!
SEE IF I NOTICE THAT YOU'RE GONE!
SEE IF I WONDER IF YOU'RE EVER COMING BACK!
ARE YOU EVER COMING BACK?
SEE IF I CARE!
SEE IF I NOTICE THAT YOU'RE GONE!
There's an echo.
Do you hear it?
There's an echo.
Do you hear it?
SEE IF I CARE!
SEE IF I NOTICE THAT YOU'RE GONE!

He kisses her.

TED
I kissed you this morning, but you didn't wake up.
Like that.
But with more tenderness.
If you can imagine more tenderness.

MEL
Was I dreaming?

TED
I don't know.

MEL
I must have been dreaming.

TED
I don't know.

MEL
Did you ever have that dream?
Where you're falling?
And your organs are suspended?
And there's nowhere to go but down?

TED
You're cold.

MEL
Let's go inside.
I'm cold.

TED
We are inside.

MEL
What about the dog?

TED
What about the cat?

MEL
Danger: chlamydia.
Again.

TED
Not again.

MEL
What about the bunny?

TED
We don't have a bunny.

MEL
Did you ever have that dream?

TED
I'm having it now.
Oh well.

MEL
Oh well what?

TED
I'll call you when I land.

MEL
The man in the shop, he sold me a killer fish.
I still haven't cleaned out the tank.
I can't.
I won't do it.
If it's the last thing I don't do.

TED
I brought you something.

MEL
You shouldn't have.

TED
I wanted to.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from God's Ear by Jenny Schwartz. Copyright © 2008 Jenny Schwartz. Excerpted by permission of Farrar, Straus and Giroux.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

Title Page,
Acknowledgments,
The Shadow of a Future Self,
Production History,
Characters,
Prologue,
Act 1,
Scene 1,
Scene 2,
Scene 3,
Scene 4,
Scene 5,
Scene 6,
Act 2,
Notes on the Text,
Jenny Schwartz - God's Ear,
Copyright Page,