Want a NOOK? Explore Now
Take one out-of-work pastry chef . . .
Teeny Templeton believes that her life is finally on track. She’s getting married, she’s baking her own wedding cake, and she’s leaving her troubled past behind. And then? She finds her fiancé playing naked badminton with a couple of gorgeous, skanky chicks.
Add a whole lot of trouble . . .
Needless to say, the wedding is off. Adding insult to injury, her fiancé slaps a restraining order on her. When he’s found dead a few days later, all fingers point to Teeny.
And stir like crazy!
Her only hope is through an old boyfriend-turned-lawyer, the guy who broke her heart a decade ago. But dredging up the past brings more than skeletons out of the closet, and Teeny doesn’t know who she can trust. With evidence mounting and the heat turning up, Teeny must also figure out where to live, how to support herself, how to clear her name, and how to protect her heart.
“Gone with a Handsomer Man is fun, funny, and fabulous!”—-Janet Evanovich
one
All I ever wanted in life was true love, a set of copper cookware, and the perfect recipe for red velvet cake. The last thing I wanted was to end up on Charleston’s six o’clock news, accused of murder and a slew of other crimes.
It started Monday, the first week in June, when I thought I’d gotten the dates wrong for my cake baking class. Numbers don’t usually stick in my mind. This one did because it was my twenty-ninth birthday, and my fiancé, Bing Jackson, surprised me with the darlingest gifts—pastry bags, a fifty-three-piece Wilton Supreme Cake Decorating Set, and eight prepaid classes at the Vivienne Beaumont School of Cake Design.
Before we left Bing’s house in Mount Pleasant, he opened a bottle of Moët and we toasted our upcoming wedding. Then we drove across the river into downtown Charleston and turned down East Bay Street. He pointed to a redbrick building with a giant neon cupcake sitting on the roof.
“Teeny, this is where you’ll be every Thursday from 7:00 to 10:00 p.m.,” he said. “Classes start June fourth—that’s only three days from now.”
A lot of women might have gotten suspicious over the exact details, but not me. Bing was all about timing. Thanks to the giant clock inside his head, he’d never been late to a real estate closing or open house. His Rolex was just for show.
“Teenykins, I signed you up for this class because I want you to make our wedding cake,” he said. “But I don’t want something traditional. How about an eighteen-hole golf course? You can do sand traps and little spun-sugar balls.”
“You bet.” I threw my arms around his neck. We were getting married in August—only ten weeks to go—and my thoughts were already skipping ahead to the wedding. Maybe I could make the groom’s cake, too, something unusual like a giant tee or a Big Bertha driver.
On Thursday night, I put down the top on my beat-up turquoise Oldsmobile and drove from Bing’s house across the Cooper River. The school’s parking lot was empty and I began to fret. Was I Miss Vivienne’s only student, or had I arrived a tad early?
I leaned toward the rearview mirror and combed my windblown hair—it’s long and blond, prone to tangles. Normally I didn’t drive with the convertible top down, but my air conditioner was broken. I grabbed my cake decorating kit, along with the enrollment packet, and walked to the door. It was locked, and a memo was taped to the glass. Due to circumstances beyond Miss Vivienne’s control, classes had been rescheduled and would commence next Thursday.
I walked back to my Olds and drove back to Mount Pleasant. When I passed a grocery on Ben Sawyer Boulevard, I did a U-turn and angled into the parking lot. I came out with an apple walnut salad with raspberry vinaigrette, a wedge of brie, and a cheesecake sampler. Nothing beats fresh, simple food on a sticky hot summer night in Charleston.
It was almost eight o’clock when I turned down Rifle Range Road. The sky curved above me like an oyster shell, ribbed and grainy. Even though it was still daylight, the moon was on the rise, moving through the clouds like a dropped pearl. Long before Mama left for good, she used to say a full moon cleared troublesome matters of the heart, wiped the slate clean, and resolved unfinished business.
My heart wasn’t burdened in the least as I sped down the highway. I turned into Jackson Estates, a new subdivision the economy had flattened. Bing owned all thirteen acres, and his green stucco house sat in the rear, surrounded by peach trees and empty lots. A real peaceful setting. But the minute I pulled into the driveway, I knew something was wrong. First, my bulldog, Sir, didn’t shoot out of the doggie door to greet me. Second, a white BMW convertible was parked under the mimosa. The license plate read SOSEX-E. Not a good sign. Not at all.
From the backyard I heard laughter, the high, twittery girlish kind. I stayed in my car, trying to get a deep breath, but the air was thick and moist. The last thing I needed was an asthma attack. I grabbed my inhaler and took a puff; then I got out of the car.
Weeds brushed against my legs as I walked around the house. Our badminton net stood in the middle of the backyard. A boom box sat on the patio table, and Muse was singing “Ruled by Secrecy,” which isn’t about cheating but ought to be. I started to holler for Bing when a naked brunette ran across the grass and swung her badminton racket at the birdie. I ducked behind a peach tree and saw Bing and a tall redhead race toward the net. They were naked, too.
I sucked in air, and it whistled through the thin gap between my front teeth. For weeks now, Bing had been pressuring me to do something kinky, but I had no idea he’d wanted a trifecta. Tears stung my eyes as I looked at the women. They had perky chi-chis, no tan lines, and no cellulite.
Me, I’m a little too short and curvy, with brown eyes and the aforementioned blond hair. When I was a little girl, Mama would get drunk and call me Possum Head. Sometimes she’d get on a roll and point out my major failings: my elbows were too far down, my teeth resembled a picket fence, I was too sweet and gullible, and my hair looked like something that grew in the Okefenokee Swamp. After she’d sober up, she’d hug me and say, “Teeny, nobody’s perfect. Besides, you’ve got a good heart.” Now that heart dropped to my navel and tapped a code: run, Teeny. Run.
The redhead grabbed the birdie. She was all legs and hair. Instead of hitting the birdie with her racquet, she giggled and threw it over the net. It was a prissy throw, but the brunette sacked the hell out of it. Bing took off running, his dangly parts swinging.
I’d stood in line at Target to buy that badminton set. Bing had fussed when I’d called the white thing a birdie. He’d told me to call it by its proper name, a shuttlecock. Speaking of which, his privates jiggled violently as his racquet smashed into the birdie. It shot over the brunette’s head and thumped into my herb garden.
“You get it,” the brunette told the redhead, then she struck a pose—hand on her hip bone, one leg bent at the knee, like she was a contestant in the Miss Tall Gal Pageant. The redhead squatted beside the rosemary bush and glanced around for the birdie. She wasn’t a knockout like her friend, but she was graceful.
Bing slipped under the net, his straight blond hair falling into his eyes, and placed the edge of the racquet under Miss Tall’s chin. Her head tilted back, and Bing kissed her pouty, bee-stung lips like he’d never kissed me.
I flattened my palms against the warm grass. A tear hit the back of my hand. St. Andrews Episcopal was reserved for our August fifteenth wedding. It wasn’t too late to cancel, right? I’d found true love once. I didn’t expect to find it again. But I didn’t have to settle for this. I could still opt for those copper pans and a good cake.
My bulldog sniffed Miss Tall’s leg. She kicked him and Sir yelped. That did it. I wouldn’t let this skank abuse an innocent dog. I swallowed back tears. Things weren’t perfect between me and Bing, but I had no idea he was a man-whore. There’s no canary in the coal mine for cheating men.
The redhead held up the birdie and looked past Bing, straight into my eyes. “Hey, there’s a girl watching us,” she yelled.
I ducked low as Bing and Miss Tall broke apart. I’m mostly a calm person, but I wanted justice. I could break off a switch and beat their bony asses. But girls like that worked in a team. I’d end up in a body cast.
“This is private property,” Bing cried. “Leave now, and I won’t call the police.”
“You can call Jesus, for all I care,” I said.
Sir’s head twisted when he heard my voice. I gazed up into the dark branches, each one loaded with unripe fruit. I grabbed a low branch and shimmied up the trunk—not so easy in shorts. My legs would be a scratchy mess.
“Who is she?” asked the redhead. She walked toward the net.
“My fiancée,” Bing said.
“I thought it was a dwarf,” said Miss Tall.
I couldn’t argue with her. I’m barely five foot two. When I was a kid, I was short in a noticeable way. It’s how I got my name.
Bing tipped back his head. “Teeny, why are you in a tree?” he hollered up.
“Why are you naked?” I called down.
Sir ran to the tree and barked. I pulled off my engagement ring and threw it at Bing. He jumped back, like I’d hurled a watermelon. That gave me an idea. I grabbed a peach. In a month it would be ripe, but now it was hard and heavy. I reared back and tossed it at Miss Tall. She ducked and it hit Bing’s shoulder. “Hey!” he cried. “Cut that out.”
“Screw you,” I yelled and lobbed another fruit. It smacked against Miss Tall’s hip. She screamed and threw her racquet at the tree. I grabbed another peach and aimed it at her mouth, but she ducked again. The fruit hit the boom box; it fell over and the music stopped.
I tossed another and another. One peach smashed the redhead’s nose. Her chin snapped back, and blood trickled out of her nostrils, streaming over her lip. Bing stepped in front of her and spread his arms, shielding her.
I fired down two more peaches. One whizzed over Bing’s head, but the other slammed into his nether region. He screeched and doubled over. The redhead hung back, crying over her busted nose, but Miss Tall looked ready to fight. I threw peaches as fast as I could. It was like the old days when the pickers’ kids and I had fruit fights.
“Dammit, Teeny. Get the hell out of that tree,” Bing cried. Though he was still bent into a C, he herded the women to the patio, into the house. Even the dog went. I stayed in the tree until Bing came back. He dared me to move as he put on his clothes.
The police arrived a few minutes later. I started to climb down, but my hair caught on a branch. Bing’s entourage came out of the house. The women had gotten dressed. The redhead pressed a bag of frozen brussels sprouts to her nose.
“You’re going to jail,” she yelled.
“I’m not the criminal,” I said.
“This is prespousal abuse,” Bing cried. “Nobody hits me.”
I didn’t get scared until two policemen advanced toward my tree. One was tall with pointy ears and the other had a caterpillar crawling on his lip. Then I saw it was a moustache. The pointy-eared cop ordered me to climb down. While I tried to explain about the naked women and my snagged hair, Bing yelled, “I’ll get my chain saw.”
He walked toward the garage. “Bing, no,” I cried. In my mind, peach trees meant love, shelter, and comfort. I’d grown up on a peach farm in Bonaventure, Georgia. Bing knew how I felt. The engagement was broken, but the tree should stay in one piece.
The mustached cop looked up at me. “Lady, it’s against the law to hit people with peaches.”
“Too bad I didn’t yank them baldheaded,” I said.
“This ain’t funny,” the caterpillared cop yelled.
Bing returned with the chain saw. I was in trouble now. Even though this was Mount Pleasant, I totally expected to get slapped with the death penalty. A mighty buzz filled the air as Bing leaned toward the tree. Bark churned in the air as the blade cut a wide kerf. The trunk cracked and leaned sideways. The cops lowered it to the ground and handcuffed me.
Needless to say, the wedding was off.
Copyright 2011 by Michael Lee West
Teeny Templeton is a woman who grew up being moved from place to place by a mother who had no idea how to raise her daughter. Teeny is left with her aunt, who was a culinary genius living on a peach farm. Not only did Teeny love her aunt, but she learned so much about the world and passion surrounding food, that cooking became her first love. Teeny knew love once upon a time when she was younger with a man by the name of Cooper, who broke her heart when he went back to his ex-girlfriend. Teeny has moved on from that time in her life, and is now engaged to a man named Bing Jackson. Bing, as a twenty-ninth birthday gift, gives Teeny some pastry bags and paid classes at the Cake Design School in Charleston. Unfortunately, when she arrives at the first class there is a note on the door that says the teacher had to reschedule. Heading back to the house, Teeny gets the surprise of her life when she finds Bing playing badminton on the back lawn.naked.WITH two women who are also naked, and having a great time hitting their shuttlecock back and forth. Teeny can't believe what she's seeing and ends up in a tree hurling hardened non-ripe peaches at the players. Poor Teeny is soon arrested and put on probation for attacking the threesome, and turns to Bing's Aunt Dora - who is a sincere fan of Teeny's and absolutely hysterical. Bing's Aunt Dora (who was named after a hurricane) allows Teeny to live at the Spencer-Jackson House. This old historical relic is quite uncomfortable for Teeny to stay in because Bing is actually the owner of it. Soon, one of the naked badminton players is putting up a 'For Sale' sign on the front lawn, and Teeny has to figure out what to do. She's on probation, so returning to the peach farm of her youth is out of the question. And when she receives a text message from Bing asking her to meet him at the house to "make-up," Teeny is shocked once more when she discovers Bing's dead body on the floor. Teeny is the main suspect and Cooper - remember him? - is now back in her life. Cooper is now a lawyer and, with his help, and his old, crotchety private eye - Red Butler Hill - they must find a way to prove Teeny's innocence and catch the real criminal. There is nothing that can be said about this book except.absolutely hysterical! This debut novelist has done a fantastic job from her plot to her unforgettable characters, and dialogue that will have readers laughing until it hurts. Quill Says: Fantastic Story! Hopefully this is one author who's working on a sequel as we speak!
13 out of 17 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.In Charleston, South Carolina, wannabe pastry chef Teeny Templeton is excited about marrying Bing Jackson and making the perfect red velvet cake. However, her euphoria ends abruptly when she sees an excited Bing playing badminton with two pretty ladies without one stich of clothing on any of them. Irate, Teeny plays dodge ball with the naked threesome by throwing unripe peaches at their butts.
She is charged with assault and receives probation. Additionally a restraining order is processed to keep her away from Bing and his women. A few days after being legally warned to stay away from her ex fiancé, Teeny finds Bing dead. Obviously, the prime (and only) suspect as pointed out by the local news, Teeny distrusts the police (and the media) to search elsewhere for the killer so she applies the Templeton Tradition of creating recipes to solving the murder.
This entertaining regional culinary amateur sleuth mystery with a pinch of romance is a delightful tale due to the strong cast starting with Teeny. The secondary characters are fully developed as Michael Lee West provides a super Southern whodunit enhanced by the refreshing Templeton Tradition.
Harriet Klausner
8 out of 11 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.CozyPrincess
Posted May 4, 2011
I read cozies and thrillers and had never heard of a southern author named Michael Lee West. So glad I bought this joyride novel about a Charleston baker who's cake baking class leads to murder. West's dark comedy and dimensional characters kept me captivated and glued to the page. The fresh writing is outstanding in itself and makes this book stand out. The characters are equally outstanding. The book is fast paced, filled with twists and turns, and is never once over the top. The plot kept me guessing to the last page. Like all great mysteries, it has a hook ending that has me panting for another book.
5 out of 6 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.7827883
Posted April 21, 2011
I couldn't put this book down and found myself laughing out loud a number of times. However, I was a little dissapointed with how the book ends. What happened to Bing's sister and is there going to be a second book?
4 out of 5 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted January 10, 2012
Initially, I liked the book, but after a while it just bogged down and started to bore me. I felt impatient with the characters and lost interest. I also wondered how someone could bake 24 cakes in a night and turn around and bake another 12 the next night. That's about as exciting as it got.
2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.BeccaT1
Posted April 17, 2011
Fun read, but the last line of the book leaves me dissapointed in the author. There are bettter ways to end with the reader looking forward a sequal than this! Before thr last line, the book is a 5 star!
2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.luvmynookKC
Posted March 20, 2013
I stopped reading this because the writing was poor and the story not interesting.
1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted September 22, 2012
I love Micahel Lee West's books but not this one. It was incredibly boring. And the last line was just a set up for a sequel. It had nothing to do with the storyline. Hot for me.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged. Teeny Templeton did the unthinkable—she decided her life was heading in
exactly the direction she always wanted. She was about to get married to
a wonderful, wealthy Charleston man and, being a former pastry chef, she
was making her own wedding cake and leaving her less-than-wonderful
youth behind. What more could any girl want? Probably she would want to
NOT come across her fiance, Bing, playing badminton…naked…with a pair of
equally naked females. On top of that outrage, he takes out a
restraining order against her for throwing peaches at him. So, there she
is, stranded in a strange town with no job, no money, no home to go back
to and only Bing’s stepmother, Dora, to give her support. Crushed,
heartbroken, Teeny thinks things can’t possibly get worse but then her
fiance is found dead and all roads of suspicion are pointing her way.
Her collection of poisonous family recipes won’t help if the cops find
it and it seems that one of those badminton players has designs on the
mansion Dora has loaned Teeny. Bing’s peculiar sister shows up demanding
his money and Dora wants to paint everything pink. It will take an
obnoxious private eye and an ex-boyfriend to get Teeny out of the mess
she’s in before things spiral completely out of control—or can they?
Gone with a Handsomer Man has all the elements of a terrific Southern
mystery—skullduggery, a loveable dog, romance, a dotty stepmother, a
cranky P.I., old money charm and sleaze and plenty of misdirection. This
is West‘s first mystery after several acclaimed works of Southern
fiction and a delightful one it is. Reader Marguerite Gavin adds to the
pleasure with her perfect intonations of different Southern accents and
I’m looking forward with great anticipation to next April’s A Teeny Bit
of Trouble.
1 out of 3 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted March 17, 2012
Highly entertaining! Good story line with a twist, great Southern charm!
1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted September 19, 2011
At first this book was hard to get into, but a few chapters in it started getting good. I liked that the ending wasn't predictable and the main character wasn't a pushover.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted May 8, 2013
A page turner! Interesting plot line with twists and turns. Very entertaining! I couldn't put it down.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.BookLovingMommy
Posted April 12, 2013
Fun read, lovable characters, funny, twists and turns, Recommended if you want to read something that makes you smile.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted April 9, 2013
I want to read all of these books!
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Jacki51
Posted April 9, 2013
Can't wait to read the next one!
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted April 7, 2013
Characters don't behave like most normal people would. Plot fairly predictable. Obviously a set-up for subsequent books.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted April 1, 2013
I loved the way the characters drew you into their lives. I found I wanted to know as much about their everyday lives as what they were thinking of their fellow towns people. I also like how the history of their ancestors played an important part in the decisions they had to make today. I would definitely read another book by this author. I don't think the title fit the story line very well, though.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.LKReads
Posted March 2, 2013
Really enjoyable and likable characters.
0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.10687871
Posted August 9, 2011
This book is everything that's right about about modern southern writing.
0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.1317633
Posted August 7, 2011
Beach read
0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.
Overview
Take one out-of-work pastry chef . . .
Teeny Templeton believes that her life is finally on track. She’s getting married, she’s baking her own wedding cake, and she’s leaving her troubled past behind. And then? She finds her fiancé playing naked badminton with a couple of gorgeous, skanky chicks.
Add a whole lot of trouble . . .
Needless to ...