The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex

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In Barbara Keesling's latest book for women about sex, the noted sex therapist mines the idea that virtually every good girl yearns in her heart to be a bad girl.
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In Barbara Keesling's latest book for women about sex, the noted sex therapist mines the idea that virtually every good girl yearns in her heart to be a bad girl.
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Editorial Reviews

Publishers Weekly - Publisher's Weekly
In The Good Girl's Guide to Bad Girl Sex, sex therapist Barbara Keesling (How to Make Love All Night; Super Sexual Orgasm) asserts that nearly every "good" girl yearns to be "bad" and offers tips for unleashing the bad girl within. Keesling, who worked for a sex therapist as a surrogate partner for 10 years before becoming one herself, explores the inhibitions that women have about sex, and explains how you can dress, speak, walk, tease, use sex toys, give blow jobs and have orgasms like the bad girl of your dreams. In addition, Keesling, herself a former "good" girl meaning that like most women, she had learned to hide her wild desires from the world offers her personal story as inspiration for all women who want to learn how to "feel good about being bad." ( May) Copyright 2001 Cahners Business Information.
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781567316414
  • Publisher: MJF Books
  • Publication date: 12/5/2003
  • Product dimensions: 5.60 (w) x 8.30 (h) x 1.10 (d)

Table of Contents

Introduction 1
Chapter 1 Bad Girls Feel Good about Being Bad 5
Chapter 2 Bad Girls Have Sex on the Brain 25
Chapter 3 Bad Girls Dress the Part 43
Chapter 4 Bad Girls Walk the Walk 65
Chapter 5 Bad Girls Know How to Talk Sexy, In and Out of Bed 85
Chapter 6 Bad Girls Know Their Bodies 107
Chapter 7 Bad Girls Touch and Tease 127
Chapter 8 Bad Girls Love to Climax 153
Chapter 9 Bad Girls Play with Toys 183
Chapter 10 Bad Girls Break All the Rules 211
Appendix Shop Till You Drop 217
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First Chapter

Sex is not a four-letter word.

When Jane was a teenager, she would often go without a bra. She was proud of her small, perfectly shaped bosom. She also enjoyed the way fabrics felt against her skin; the smooth, cool glide of cotton across her chest or the luxurious caress of her favorite satin blouse.

This small but important practice was just enough to keep Jane in touch with her body and her growing awareness of herself as a sexual being. Although she was still a virgin, she was beginning to understand the power that a sexually enlivened woman possesses–as was demonstrated by the appreciative glances she would sometimes garner from her male classmates.

All that came to a screeching halt the day Jane's mother took her shopping for some new clothes and discovered in the dressing room that her daughter was not wearing a bra. "Are you out of your mind? What kind of message do you think that sends to people? Do you want boys to think that you're loose? That you're cheap? That you're a tramp? Now you march out there and come back with an armful of brassieres! Bra-less indeed!" Thus began Jane's all too lengthy slide into "Good-Girlhood." Her mother's unfortunate harangue haunted Jane for years to come. It influenced her behavior regarding the clothes she bought, the movies she saw, the language she used, even the way she looked at herself in the mirror. Jane's mother's comment was so loaded with threat and innuendo that Jane's Bad Girl took a ten-year sabbatical!

Although the set up and the particulars may be very different, I bet you could tell a story that sounds a whole lot like Jane's. Do you remember the first time your budding sexuality was trampled on, dismissed, orsimilarly snuffed out? So many women go through life apologizing for their sexual impulses and talking themselves out of their own desires. The feelings are there. The need is there. The drive is there. But it all creates such discomfort. Why? Because, "A Good Girl isn't supposed to be that sexual." That's what we've been told, and, like good little girls, we comply.

Are You Your Own Worst Sexual Enemy?

When we are young we are chaste, and the adults we come in contact with treat us accordingly–our parents, siblings, peers, teachers, neighbors, clergy, etc. The problem is, as we get older we have no one "in charge" to help us make the transition into sexual beings. It's funny how easy it seems to be to talk to young girls about what they shouldn't do in terms of dressing provocatively, wearing makeup, and so on. It's much harder to talk about how to do things in an attractive, sophisticate,

and sexy manner–in short, how to develop into a sexually healthy woman. Usually we have to learn this on our own.

Sexuality Is Always Welcome in the Bad Girl's World

Bad Girls have no shame. I want you to memorize that sentence right now because it is going to be one of your new personal mantras. Bad Girls have no shame. What does that mean? It means that they are proud of who they are and what they feel. They love being bad (in fact they live for it!) and they have no interest in hiding that. Bad Girls are not ashamed to feel desire. They are not ashamed to admit their desire or to act on it. Now doesn't that make you want to shout "Sign me up!"?

Bad Girls announce their intentions. They announce them with the way they walk, the way they talk, and the way they dress and undress. They announce their intentions when they stand up, when they sit down, when they eat, and when they smile. What are a Bad Girl's intentions? To be hot, to be in touch, and to be fully sexually alive with herself and with her sexual partner. Clear, powerful, to the point, and very, very Bad. Yet they express this in a way that is never cheap, never trashy, never tawdry. Bad Girls feel sexy and fabulous and desirable. They don't need to be "good"; they love how it feels being bad.

Let's look at those intentions again: "To be hot, to be in touch, and to be fully sexually alive with her sexual partner." What are you thinking to yourself right now? Are you thinking, "I want to be hot, I want to be in touch, I want to be fully sexually alive. I have the same intentions!" I think you are, and I hope you are, yet there is a world of difference between having those intentions and living those intentions out loud. Bad Girls live out loud. That's what sets them apart. Don't let that discourage you. I have every reason to believe that you are ready to turn up your own personal volume. Maybe just a little at first, and then a little more every time as you get increasingly comfortable. I believe you are ready. And it doesn't take much to get you started. Before we do any more shouting, however, I want to make a few other things clear.

Bad Girls come in all shapes, sizes, heights, weights, and colors. It's what's inside that counts the most. A bad-to-the-bone Bad Girl isn't rocked by this week's hemline or bullied by last week's "must-have" color. Bad goes deeper than that, Bad is more confident than that, Bad is more anchored than that, and I'm going to help you find that anchor.

Bad can't be bought and it can't be faked for long. Bad can be uncovered, dusted off, shined up, honed, and enhanced. Bad has a sense of humor. Bad isn't rigid; Bad is flexible and can go with the flow when necessary. The great thing about Bad is, once it's yours and you really own it, no one can take it away from you. It becomes as much a part of you as your unerring sense of direction, your love of black and white movies, or your ability to curl your tongue.

But Bad is a muscle, and like any muscle, you have to use it if you want to keep it vibrant and strong. Bad will go to sleep on you if it gets stashed away up in the proverbial old attic, left to languish in a dusty old trunk that never sees the light of day.

Does that make you wonder if you ever really had it to stash away in the first place? Oh, you had it all right. At some point in your life, in one form or another, you were Bad. How do I know? Because if you never had it, you wouldn't be missing it now–and you must be missing it, or you wouldn't be trying to get it back! Okay, so it may have been brief–the merest whiff or glimpse of the Bad Girl within, but you saw her and you liked what you saw; you liked how you felt and you liked who you were.

It's Time to Reclaim the Bad Girl Within

Sexual power can be very threatening to those around you who'd prefer it if you stayed in your Good Girl role. If your Bad Girl wasn't met with open arms when she first made her debut (and my very educated guess is that she wasn't!), she could easily have been shamed, shouted, and shaken back into seclusion. Perhaps you saw her from time to time in weird dreams, in an occasional guilty fantasy, or in some experimental behavior you once indulged in (and have been trying very hard to forget). This is all very typical when the Bad Girl goes into hiding.

So how do we get that Bad Girl out of hiding? Frankly, I think you've already started. How? Just by reading these first few pages and not pushing the ideas away. So congratulations–you've already taken a step. As this chapter continues, we're going to take a few more vital first steps to get you on the path to healthy desire–that place where shame is never welcome. Getting to the source of your resistance is our goal here. We're going to look at damaging, fearful old messages and behaviors and replace them with something new, something sexy, something smoldering. . . . You can't be bad if you don't love being bad, and the place to start is deep inside where your greatest resistance still stands.

It's time to rewrite some of those self-defeating sexual programs and shed that Good Girl skin. Sexual desire is nothing to be ashamed of, even if (especially if) it is completely unbridled. Sexual desire should be celebrated, and the party is about to start.

Stop the Madness!

Fact: A healthy sexual appetite is a natural and beautiful thing.

Looking back on my sexual development, I thank my lucky stars that I came of age during a very narrow window of time, now affectionately referred to as "the '70s." It was after the women's libbers had made their mark and the 1960s had loosened everything up, but it was before the problematic 1980s when men and women had to worry about AIDS, and men started to care more about Wall Street and putting another stock in their portfolio than putting a notch in the bedpost (thanks for nothing, Michael Douglas!).

During the serendipitous '70s, it was absolutely okay for a woman to sleep with whomever she wanted, whenever she wanted. Believe me when I tell you that I was no Spice Girl at the time, either. No way–not with the big glasses, the extra fifteen pounds, and the slight over-bite I was sporting back then. I can't say I was being bad, even though I was having sex, because it was almost by default, instead of by design.

At age 24, I trained to be a surrogate partner. A sexual surrogate works with a sex therapist and his/her patient in a controlled, therapeutic environment. Together, the therapist and the surrogate help the patient with sexual problems he or she may be struggling with. It was at this time in my life that the doors to Badness first cracked open for me, giving me a glimpse into a world I could scarcely have dreamed existed. In addition to learning specific sexual techniques for my job that had the unexpected side effect of helping me access more of my sexuality, I had the rare opportunity to interview and interact with older, more experienced professional surrogates who were in full Bad Girl bloom. At work, these women were skilled professionals who adhered to a very strict code of appropriate conduct, but after hours it was a very different story. Many of these women showed themselves to have sexual appetites that were as natural, as dependable, and as guiltlessly satisfied as the need for a good meal. In order to stimulate the physical appetite, you whet it with a delicious, aromatic appetizer. If you don't eat regularly, your stomach shrinks and your capacity for food diminishes. Bland, tasteless food may fill you up, but it certainly won't satisfy you or excite your taste buds. In fact, a healthy sexual appetite is remarkably similar to a healthy physical appetite:

• In order to stimulate the sexual appetite, you whet it with fantasy, visualization and foreplay.

• If you are not stoking your sexual fires on a regular basis, the fire can die out, and then your capacity for enjoying sex will diminish.

• There's sex and then there's SEX. A fully evolved Bad Girl can have an epic sexual encounter in ten minutes, whereas a woman stuck in her Good Girl can have intercourse for an hour and still be left feeling unfulfilled.

Do you apologize for having a physical appetite? For needing to eat? Of course you don't. Your physical appetite is a naturally occurring and integral part of who you are as a human being. Not only is it vital to your survival, but hopefully, it is also a source of pleasure and enjoyment for you.

Now ask yourself this: Do you apologize for having a sexual appetite? Do you deny having a sexual appetite? Why? Do you know many men who apologize for their sexual appetites? In fact, a man who states he needs sex often–once or more a day, for example–is considered a stud, and other men look at him with a certain amount of awe and respect. A woman making a similar claim to a group of her peers is often labeled sick, a slut, or a freak; even if she happens to be married! Why in the world should women be any less "hungry" than men? If you think about it in purely biological terms, it doesn't make any sense that we would be less hungry; any more so than we should experience any fewer hunger pangs when faced with a shortage of food.

It is important that you start viewing your sexual appetite similarly to your physical appetite. Your sexual hunger is as natural as your physical hunger. Your sexual hunger is an innate part of who you are as a human being. Can you die from not having great Bad Girl sex? Not exactly, but every time you have sex and you know it isn't as hot, as horny, as "bad" as you know it could be, I believe a little piece of you fades away. Your sexual hunger, vitality, and fulfillment are crucial contributors to your existing as a fully alive, fully functioning, and fully realized woman. It's as obvious as the clitoris between your legs that sex should be a source of great pleasure and enjoyment for you.

So, I ask you again: What's stopping you? What's getting in your way? Why aren't you Bad? My guess is that it's "the Bad Girl blockade."

Myths and Misconceptions: The Bad Girl Blockade

What is the first mental image that pops into your head when you think of the phrase "Bad Girl"? Be honest here, because it's going to help you break through to the other side of your sexuality.

• Is it a trashy streetwalker?

• Someone with a drug or alcohol problem who doesn't remember from one night to the next who she's been with?

• Or maybe something milder–just a woman with no self control. Someone who can't say "no" to anyone?

• Is a Bad Girl someone with low self-esteem who looks for validation through having lots of

indiscriminate sex?

• Or maybe it's someone who can't get off unless she's sleeping with some other woman's man?

If these are the kinds of images that first come to mind when you conjure up a Bad Girl, it's no wonder you've avoided your own Bad Girl self. This little list I've made for you contains just some of the brash statements I've heard from my students and patients when I've asked them to define a Bad Girl for me. But guess what? They're way off base. These are not the definitions of a Bad Girl. These are descriptions of troubled girls. They are descriptions of women who act out varying degrees of emotional problems through sex–women who need professional help (and not just from a sex therapist). That's sad, not bad; yet these statements reflect classic Bad Girl stereotypes that many women hold dear.

The biggest challenge I face as the author of this book, and the biggest hurdle you have to overcome as a "Bad-Girl-in-training" is the challenge of erasing these Bad Girl stereotypes and reprogramming your brain with some new, healthy, basic information. Information like this: Being bad means having it good. And like this: Being a "Good Girl" is being a bored girl (and let's face it, when we're bored, we're usually boring, too!).

Are you with me so far? Great. Now here is a short, but very important list of just some of the things a true Bad Girl is not.

Being Bad Does NOT Mean

• Being immoral or illegal

• Acting cheap

• Being pornographic or obscene in public

• Behaving dangerously or acting recklessly

• Being a sexual contortionist

• Demeaning yourself or degrading yourself with your sexual behavior

• Being indiscriminate with your sexual partners

What other negative behaviors or character traits do you associate with being a Bad Girl? It's important to flush some of these ideas out of the brush. Think back: was there a neighborhood "Bad Girl" when you were growing up? What was she like? Was she troubled, or was she just bad? How did you know she was bad? Was it just a rumor, or was it something you could feel? What was her name? I bet you can still remember it, can't you? She both fascinated and repelled you, intrigued and disturbed you, didn't she? She was mysterious and obvious all at the same time. Maybe she was a true, powerful,and healthy Bad Girl and maybe she wasn't. You just knew that she was breaking taboos; you knew she had access to a part of herself that you were not getting much encouragement to explore from anyone in your personal circle.

Well, call me Glinda the Good Witch, because with your consent and cooperation, we're going to rediscover everything good about being truly bad. Using this book as my magic wand, I promise to give you the permission, provide you with the encouragement, and lead you down the yellow brick road to meet your personal "Wizardress of Aahs," your neglected "Goddess of Gasps," and your inner "Baroness of Badness."

So click those ruby red Manolo Blahnik stilettos together three times and repeat after me: "There's nothing wrong with being bad, there's nothing wrong with being bad, there's nothing wrong with being bad."

I'm trying to put a smile on your face here, but I'm also completely serious. A grown woman stuck in her "Good Girl" is not a laughing matter. Having zero access to your inner "bad" diminishes your quality of life. It crushes your spirit. It can also take a heavy toll on your relationships; both in and out of bed.

The changes I have seen take place in a woman's life when she sheds her out-dated, prohibitive sexual patterns and embraces a "new world order" where she is free to express her sexuality to its fullest, reach far beyond the bedroom. These changes infuse every aspect of her life. She becomes more powerful in her work, more effective in her communication, and more confident in her abilities. I want those kinds of positive changes for you, too. Being bad is good for you; and I'm going to prove it.

What's So Good about Being Bad?

Okay. We've taken a look at some of the things that being Bad isn't. Now let's start exploring just exactly what being Bad is. Among other things,

Being Bad Means

• Loving sex!

• Being sexually confident

• Being physically uninhibited

• Feeling sexual hunger and knowing how to feed it

• Being assertive and unashamed

• Being fully integrated

• Being intensely orgasmic

Now that's not so awful, is it? In fact, I'll bet it sounds pretty good! I wish I could cut this list out of the page right now and paste it on your favorite mirror because you deserve to be reminded of this sexual reality every day. It doesn't sound "made up," or false, unnatural, or undoable, does it? At worst, it just sounds kind of foreign; like a country you've heard of, but never visited before. The good news is, you're holding your passport in your hands and I've just stamped it. The only bad news is that the journey doesn't happen overnight. But I promise you this: The scenery along the way is spectacular and you'll have memories that will last a lifetime. So take a deep breath and get comfortable. Next stop, Wonderland. . . .

Through the Looking Glass

Have you ever stopped to wonder how your sexuality was formed? Where it came from? Why it is the way it is? These are very important questions. Yet a lot of women–the majority of women–never give questions like this a passing thought. They just have sex. But these are very important questions–questions that are going to spark some memories, get you thinking seriously about your sexual power, and probably open your eyes to some aspects of your sexual self to which you've never given a passing thought.

Important as these questions are, however, they're not half as important as your answers. Not my answers. Yours. It is my fervent hope and wish that your answers will, at the very least, surprise you. Some will amuse you. Some will confuse you. Some, quite possibly, may even appall you. But what I'm really hoping is that some will anger you–anger you to the point where you are motivated to break those old Good Girl chains. Motivated to become the lean, mean, Bad Girl machine you know you want to be. Motivated to rediscover and reclaim your natural sexual birthright. Motivated to step into your power and get fully comfortable in your Baddest sexual self.

Go Ask Alice . . .

Like Alice in Wonderland, as young women growing up we were often at the mercy of "fun house" rules in terms of the dizzying changes in body images, styles, trends, fashions, mores, rules, messages (both subliminal and overt), dictums, orders, and ultimatums. We've been Cosmo'd, Vogue'd, Mademoiselle'd, Glamour'd, and Seventeen magazine'd to death. One year the buxom, full-figured blond is everyone's ideal; the next year it's dark, exotic, ethnic beauties; and the year after that it's flat-chested, hollow-cheeked, pre-pubescents. Like Alice, you're torn between one pill that makes you larger and one pill that makes you small. All this attention paid to how you look and so little emphasis on the importance of how you feel.

If the sexual hunger I spoke of earlier is as natural to you as your physical appetite, then the only thing that could interfere with its natural expression by your natural Bad Girl self is mental manipulation and conditioning. In the same way that Chinese women had to bind their feet to keep them small and thus desirable to Chinese men, we have been taught to bind the natural size, shape, and potency of our sexual selves! Doesn't that make you angry? Doesn't that seem completely unfair? Doesn't it make you want to rip off the chains that bind you, free yourself from those constraints, and wiggle your toes in the sands of freedom?

Of course it does. No one should have the power to cram us into a mold and make us conform to their vision of how we should be sexually. Your sexuality should be as free to grow and develop on its own as your feet. Unfortunately, however, that has not been the case.

Well, enough is enough! We know better now! Let the beginning of the end of sexually repressed, unnatural, Good Girl behavior start with all of the brave and powerful women who read this book and learn to unleash the Bad Girl within. We know now that bad is natural, that bad is healthy, and that bad is better than good.

From now on, we reject anyone else's ideas, opinions, or needs that can't accommodate our experience of ourselves as Bad women–women who were born to be bad and have a right to embrace that. Bad Girls are in control. A Bad Girl doesn't hand over the reins of power to anything or anybody that tries to diminish, belittle, or otherwise shake her faith in herself. Bad Girls know that they are fabulous, no matter what. I know you want it, you know you want it. So let's get to it, right now.

Shifting into Gear

If I've been doing my job here, I've already described a way of living that must sound pretty darn good. I've probably gotten you more than a little bit excited by the prospect of being truly bad. But now what? How do we take that "pie in the sky" and put it on a plate down here on planet earth?

I'm sure you're familiar with the expression, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make her drink." In many ways, this old saying holds a powerful truth about the process of change, and about the process of becoming a Bad Girl in particular. I can lead you to the "water," which in this case is a reservoir of sexual feeling, sexual power and sexual passion that already exists inside you. I am not the water and I can't provide the water for you. I can, however, act as a sort of divining rod to help you locate that reservoir within yourself and teach you how to tap into that reservoir so that you have total access.

One way I am going to help you find that reservoir of sexuality is to lead you through a series of exercises. Some of these will be mental exercises and some will be more physical. All of them are designed to help you break through the layers of OPNs (other people's notions) that have grown thick over the years, trapping your Bad Girl in their muck. The tools and skills you'll acquire by doing the exercises will enable you to hear and then speak in your own true sexual "voice" (and boy is that voice ever SEXY! You'll see . . .). So grab a knife and fork, because it won't be long before that pie in the sky is within reach, and you're enjoying your first delectable bite.


Before we go to the first exercise, I need to take a brief, but very serious time-out right here to address the subject of sexual abuse. If you have been a victim of rape, incest, or any other kind of sexual violence, I would encourage you to consult with a therapist before embarking on any type of sexual self-help program, including this one. Although the exercises in this book are designed to be enlightening and fun, they can also stir up a lot of emotion when abuse has been a factor in a woman's life. If you haven't already engaged a professional therapist or counselor to help you deal with the trauma you have suffered, I hope you will do so; I hate to think of anyone trying to bear the weight of that pain alone.

Exercise 1:

Writing Your "Mission Statement"

We're going to start our exercise program by taking a few moments to do something every Bad Girl does: announce your Bad intentions.

• For this exercise, you will need paper and a pen. Since there will be a number of writing exercises in this book, many of a very personal nature, I recommend you use a dedicated notebook (not loose sheets of paper). This notebook and its contents should be "for your eyes only." To do these exercises effectively, it is important that you know your privacy is protected.

You don't need an audience right now–not yet–but there are a few things you do need to start saying to the most important person in your sexual universe: you. Do you remember what I said about a Bad Girl's intentions? To be hot, to be in touch, and to be fully sexual alive with herself and with her sexual partner. I want you to write these words in large clear letters on the page in front of you. But make them personal, like this: "To be hot, to be in touch, and to be fully sexually alive with myself and my sexual partner." This is your sexual future. It is your personal mission statement. Read it to yourself, then read it out loud. Read it and believe in it. You are already closer than you think.

Exercise 2:

Defining Moments in Your Good Girl History

Ever dream about doing a little time-traveling? Here's your chance. This exercise involves going back in time to identify the instances and situations in your life when your sexuality got derailed, shut down, or set aside. It's time to reexamine those defining moments; to discover those forks in the road that steered you away from your authentic sexual self.

Once again, you will need your notebook for this exercise.

• Close your eyes and take several deep breaths. Breathe in through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Take your time–don't rush. You want to be in a relaxed, yet alert state of mind. Silently affirm that your memory will work perfectly and that you will remember everything you need to know.

• Let your mind drift back in time. You're 20, 15, 12. You're in college, high school, grade school. When is the first time you can remember receiving the message that your sexual thoughts, sexual feelings, and/or sexual behaviors were not okay? Try not to censor, judge, or comment on yourself. We're just detectives here, looking for clues. When the memory comes to you, write it down. Try to be very specific. If it comes in fragments, or was just kind of a feeling that you started to get at a certain time in your life, try to describe it as best you can and write that down, too.

• Now ask yourself: Who did this message come from? How did it make me feel at the time? Did it affect my behavior at the time? If so, how?

• When was the next defining sexual moment? The next? The next? Continue following this timeline of sexual moments up to the present day. There are probably some incidents that are so vivid you don't have to dig for them at all. There may be other memories that are more subtle–a magazine article that you read once, for example, or a casual comment from a teacher or a classmate. Don't discount anything; if it comes into your mind, write it down. You can always decide later if it doesn't have any merit.

You may find that you need several sessions to complete this exercise. Some women have so many memories, they can't write them all in one sitting. Other women draw a blank and have to really sit with the question in their minds for a long time before any memories present themselves. There is no right or wrong. You are simply not allowed to beat up on yourself in any way during this process–doctor's orders!

Piecing the Puzzle Together

Once you have completed Exercise 2, having excavated as many memories as you can and having committed them to paper, it's time to take a few steps back and look at those memories from your current vantage point. Looking back on those defining moments that you had as you were growing up, how does the distance of time affect the way that you view the incidents today? What can you see about these moments now that you couldn't see then? Who was trying to control you? Who was trying to manipulate you? And why did they have a personal agenda that did not support the growth and development of your healthy sexuality?

Do you think you would have the same reaction to each of these messages if you were hearing them for the first time today? Probably not. You might laugh at some, get angry at some, and not even notice others. I'm pretty sure that even the most powerful messages wouldn't have the same power over you today, if you were hearing them for the first time, because you're not a little girl/teenager/virgin anymore. You've grown up. You may feel very young at times, particularly when other adults are still trying to control your sexuality, but you're not that same person. In fact, the maturity you've developed since these defining moments first occurred is probably helping you have a pretty compassionate attitude toward the little girl/young woman you just wrote about. She's had to suffer through a lot of other people's ignorance and fear. But can't you see it for what it is now: other people's ignorance and fear? So let me ask you another question: Can you see any reason why you should allow these experiences to continue ruling your sex life?

It reminds me of a story a sex therapist I trained under used to tell to new clients to demonstrate the power of our earliest lessons:

When animal handlers begin working with baby elephants that are being trained for the circus, they drive heavy stakes into the ground to which they tether the baby elephants by a chain (sort of like a dog on a leash) so that they can't run away. The untrained baby elephant strains against the chain at first in its natural rambunctious state, trying to break free. After several weeks though, the elephant stops testing the chain, having learned that its struggle against the restraint is futile. As the animal grows, the handlers continue to "stake" the elephant. Even though the elephant soon grows to a size that would allow it to easily pull the stake from the ground and run free, it has long since stopped trying. The elephant is convinced that the stake is stronger than it is, and has lost the will to even try. Psychologists call this "learned helplessness."

Many of us are not that different from the baby circus elephants. We are still tethered to the past by old, outdated modes of behavior that were forced upon us when we were young and impressionable–still committed to being "little." We have forgotten that we are big and strong now, with the power to break free of the chains of the past and choose our own destiny. You are big and strong. You can break free from the past. You will be who and what you want to be. Say it out loud:

I am big and strong.

I can break free from the past.

I will be who and what I want to be.

Make this your battle cry as you progress through this book, if you like. It feels good, doesn't it? If you're starting to feel a little flutter in your chest, that's your Bad Girl doing her warm-ups; your words are music to her ears. Each time you affirm your strength and your right to be who you really are, sexually or otherwise, you give your Bad Girl room to breathe, room to move, room to be.

Is Your Good Girl Doing Anyone Any Good?

When I first started teaching classes in human sexuality, one of my most memorable students was a young woman named Ellen. Ellen was "good to the bone." She always wore her pretty brown hair up in a sensible bun. She wore no makeup, no nail polish, no jewelry except for her wedding band. She had a penchant for puffed sleeves and gingham. I have since stopped being surprised to see women like Ellen in my classroom, but at the time, I have to admit I was mystified. Driven by my desire to know more about her, I decided to ask all of the students what had prompted them to enroll in my class.

Ellen revealed that she was there at the urging of her husband. She admitted that he was anxious to have her learn more about the scope of human sexuality. Apparently, he believed her definitions were unreasonably narrow. Ellen was a virgin when she married. She refused to have sex more than once a week (Saturdays at 9:00 p.m.) She didn't see the need for any kind of sex except intercourse, missionary style.

As the class progressed and the students worked their way through many of the exercises that are also in this book, Ellen's history started coming to light. She was the oldest of three whose mother died when she was eleven years old. Her father kept a tight rein on her, relying on her to cook, clean, and baby-sit. There wasn't a lot of time for playing or being a kid. The more she developed, the more her father's anxiety increased, fueled by his own memories of what he was like as a teenage boy. He would constantly warn Ellen how dangerous boys were and remind her of her responsibilities at home. He would say, "You let a boy touch you and the next thing you know you'll wind up with a baby in your belly." (When he was sixteen, he had actually gotten his very first girlfriend pregnant.) "Then what will we do? Only tramps act up to boys. Be a Good Girl, Ellen. Make your mother proud of you."

Ellen's father was desperate to keep her in line because he needed someone to help take care of the house, take care of the other children, and take care of him. He was willing to exaggerate, lie, intimidate and threaten to keep Ellen from exploring her sexual feelings and growing up too fast. I'm not trying to demonize Ellen's father; he wasn't an evil man. He never expected to be raising three children on his own and he did the best he could. It's just that his best wasn't good enough to spare Ellen his draconian methods of child rearing.

As the class progressed, Ellen came to discover that even though she was no longer in her father's house, no longer responsible for her brother and sister, married to a man she loved, and had a college degree and a good job, she was still playing by her father's rules, still dancing to his tune, still being Good for him. Her father's harsh words were still having their desired affect on Ellen: disconnecting her from her sexuality so that she would continue to serve his needs. Once Ellen saw how she had been manipulated, she was able to start accepting an increasing array of sexual feelings, thoughts, and acts as normal and natural. It was a joy and a privilege as her teacher to watch her begin to integrate her growing sexual awareness into her behavior, her language, and her life.

So . . . Who does YOUR Good Girl serve? Who are you still doing the dance for? What ghosts from the past are haunting your present sex life? If you are like the overwhelming majority of women I know, your Good Girl is only serving ghosts–still taking care of people from your past who don't even care anymore if you're good or bad. Even worse, you are doing yourself a disservice. If there is someone in your life who still has an investment in your being a little girl or a Good Girl, you know the time has come to put that person in his or her place, stare that person down, shut that person up. This is your life we're talking about. If they want to be good, that's their choice–don't let them make it yours.

Feel the Power

I hope you are beginning to understand how vital it is for you to be Bad, and how necessary it is for you to embrace your Bad Girl self. Let's face it: there is nothing good about being a Good Girl. Being good robs you of your strength. It robs you of your inherent power as an adult, sexual woman with healthy appetites and impulses. It robs you of your authentic self. A Good Girl is, plain and simple, a cheated woman.

When you give up on being bad, you give your partner all of the power!

• It's up to him when you have sex

• It's up to him how you have sex

• It's up to him whether or not you have an orgasm

• It's up to him to provide any passion or ardor that may or may not be present when you make love

What, please tell me, is good about that? Not one single thing.

If you walk into a dark room, you don't just stand there in the dark until someone else comes along to turn the lights on, do you? No! You feel around on the wall until you find the switch and then you flip the switch yourself! I want you to think of this process of reclaiming your Bad Girl in the same way. Being a Good Girl has kept you in the dark for way too long. No more waiting for "the right man" or "the right time" to bring you out of your dark Good Girl prison and into the light. You need to start feeling around for that light switch yourself, find the keys to that prison cell door, and free yourself to step into your sexuality, your strength, and your power. Man or no man, your time has arrived–the time to reclaim your sexual self and feel absolutely great about being utterly bad.

Welcome to My World

Here we are, almost at the end of just one chapter, and you've already accomplished so much! You have my respect and admiration for taking such a bold step toward your goal of being the fabulous Bad Girl it is your birthright to be. But before we move on to chapter 2, let's take one last opportunity here to remind yourself, and tell the universe, all about your newfound desire to bring in the bad.

So, where do we go from here? We've learned what has kept you from being bad. We've gone to great lengths to see why it's important to be bad. We've explored the tyranny of being "good," and we've put some of that "Good Girl" stuff behind us. So much for the past. It's time to step into the future–a future where Good Girls aren't welcome. The time has come, you naughty, naughty girls, to give your undivided attention to learning how to be bad.

Exercise 3:

Inviting Your Bad Girl in from the Cold

• Find a mirror in your home that allows you to see your entire body. Face the mirror. The Eskimos have more than 100 words for "snow." You're about to invent more than 100 ways to say "I want to be


• Look into your eyes. Start talking:

"I want to be bad."

"I am bad. Very bad. Very, very bad."

"I deserve to be bad."

"I ache to be bad."

"I live to be bad."

"Bad is beautiful."

"Bad looks good on me."

"I wear bad well." Keep going . . .

Get the picture? Now, I know a lot of you couldn't help giggling at first. That's to be expected. Your Good Girl isn't completely in remission yet, and we'll keep working on that as the book continues. But hopefully as you went along, the phrases became more anchored in you and you were able to say them with increasing conviction. Truth is, if you got just one single phrase out of your mouth–just one–you've already met the biggest challenge. You've punctured the first hole in that good-for-nothing Good Girl persona. It only gets easier from here.

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 3.5
( 12 )
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Sort by: Showing all of 4 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted September 30, 2010

    Great book! Must read for every girl at age 21

    Loved this book. It gave reader confidence that all sex should be good and not thought of as dirty. That sex should be enjoyed by women. Keesling book is a fast easy read. Good tips and even if you already know most of the advice in the book if you are a older woman it still gives you confidence to try all new things in bed.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 19, 2009

    Good Girls Guide to Bad Girl Sex

    It was a good read, but nothing more. Most of the tips in the book were either things I already knew, or things I would never do even if I was a bad girl. She is able to use your imagination, but I simply will probably never pick the book up again. But what do I know, I hate reading.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 17, 2010

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 21, 2010

    No text was provided for this review.

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