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God's Kids Say the Funniest Things
By Cal Samra, Rose Samra
Barbour Publishing, Inc.Copyright © 2011 The Joyful Noiseletter
All rights reserved.
THE FAMILY CIRCUS by Bil & Jeff Keane
"Is it okay to pray before the test if I don't do it out loud?"
from JoyfulNoiseletter.com © Bil Keane.
"Guess What I ... Today?" God's Kids at School
When you say good-bye to them in the morning, who knows what indicting words are going to come out of their mouths! More than one teacher has told a parent, "Promise! I won't believe what Junior said about your family, if you promise not to believe everything Junior reports on what happened in class today."
It's not much different in Sunday school—only the topic of study has been changed.
Hooray for Snow Days!
A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. When the children returned to school a few days later, one teacher asked her grade-schoolers whether they had used the time away from school constructively.
"I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied. "I just prayed for more snow."
Catherine Hall Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
What about Grammar?
A teacher in a seventh-grade class in Kings Mountain, North Carolina, asked her pupils to write a short statement on what each wished to become in life. One pupil submitted this:
"Be what you is and not what you ain't. Cause if you ain't what you is, you is what you ain't."
Joan N. Harris Siler City, North Carolina
A soccer ball, kicked through the window of a classroom where there was a program for small children at Corinth Reformed Church in Hickory, North Carolina, created some havoc.
So instead of assigning a Bible verse to memorize in advance of the next meeting, the teacher instructed the children to memorize any verse and earn a treat.
The next week, six-year-old Timmy was at a loss to remember any verse. After some encouragement from the teacher, he finally exclaimed: "I know! I know! 'In God we trust!'"
Pastor Bob Thompson Hickory, North Carolina
And He Will
A six-year-old boy came home from a church school and asked his mother if it was all right to ask God to help him.
"Of course," she replied. "Is there something worrying you?"
"No," he said, "but at school today my teacher said that if I interrupted her one more time, 'May God help you.'"
Jeff Totten Lake Charles, Louisiana
Peace in Any Language
An elementary school teacher was reviewing antonyms with her gifted first-grade and second-grade classes. She asked one of the boys for an antonym for "war."
When he couldn't come up with a word, the teacher offered a hint: "When I go to church on Sundays, my minister always prays for world peace, the opposite of war. Does your pastor pray for peace?"
"I don't know," the student replied, "because my church prays in tongues."
Smiley Anders Baton Rouge (Louisiana) Advocate
A third-grade teacher at Mercer County Elementary School in Kentucky compiled an exam consisting of twenty questions for her students. One of the questions: "List in any order the four seasons."
Sixty-seven percent of the students gave the following answer: "(1) squirrel season; (2) deer season; (3) rabbit season; (4) UK basketball season."
Charles Garrett Fort Gaines, Georgia
While visiting the fourth-grade class at our parochial school, I noticed a pair of parakeets, which were class pets. Thinking this might be a teachable moment about the Holy Spirit—the Paraclete—I asked the students who could tell me the difference between parakeets and Paraclete.
One girl raised her hand and answered enthusiastically: "Parakeets are birds, paracletes are soccer shoes."
Rev. Alex B. Cymerman Holyoke, Massachusetts
A Ten-Year-Old's Question
Dr. Ron Lavin of San Diego, California, has written his twenty-fourth book, titled Only the Lonely (Another Look at Loneliness), published by CSS Publishing House, Lima, Ohio. Here's a choice anecdote from the book:
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What is the last book in the Bible?"
Johnny, a ten-year-old boy, answered, "The book of Revolution."
"That's Revelation, not revolution," the teacher replied.
The following Sunday, the teacher said, "I've been thinking all week about Johnny's answer. The last book of the Bible is Revelation, but it is a kind of revolutionary book. As a matter of fact, the whole Bible is revolutionary. Does anyone know who wrote the last book of the Bible?"
Johnny's hand went up, and he asked, "Was it Paul Revere?"
Not the Holy Spurt
On the first day of junior high school, the English teacher asked the class to write a one- sentence statement about their goals for the year. That evening, the teacher (a fellow church member) called one boy's mother and told her that her son had written, "My goal for the year is to grow in spirit."
Flushed with pride, the mother told her son about it. The boy replied, "Mom, the teacher misread what I wrote. I didn't say to grow in spirit. I said to get my growing spurt."
Curtis Anderson Fort Worth, Texas Fort Worth (Texas) Star Telegram
After a geography class studied the Seven Wonders of the World, the students were asked to list what they considered were the Seven Wonders of the World. They voted for (1) Egypt's Great Pyramids, (2) Taj Mahal, (3) Grand Canyon, (4) Panama Canal, (5) Empire State Building, (6) St. Peter's Basilica, (7) China's Great Wall.
A girl took some extra time with her list then told the teacher, "I think the Seven Wonders of the World are (1) to touch, (2) to taste, (3) to see, (4) to hear, (5) to run, (6) to laugh, and (7) to love."
Lois Ward Gleamings
A fourth-grade teacher gave each child in her class the first half of a well-known proverb, and asked them to complete the proverb. Here are some of the answers:
* "It's always darkest before ... daylight savings time."
* "An idle mind is ... the best way to relax."
* "Better to be safe than ... punch a sixth grader."
* "If you lie down with dogs ... you'll stink in the morning."
* "Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ... you have to blow your nose."
Harriet M. Adams Morton, Pennsylvania
Test of Time
A mother overheard her little girl praying:
"Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray I pass tomorrow's test.
If I should die before I wake,
That's one less test I'll have to take."
George Goldtrap Ormond-by-the-Sea, Florida
From Grade Two
Second graders are the best theologians? Here's several discussions between second graders about Jesus and the Holy Ghost:
First second grader: "Well, one thing I never figured out is if Jesus is God, why did He let Himself be killed?"
Second second grader: "Silly, it's because He loves us, and He died for us!"
Third second grader: "Yeah, and not only did He die, but He came back three days later!"
Fourth second grader: "Well, all I know is that when He came back He was really smart!"
Teacher: "Why do you think He was so smart?"
Fourth second grader: "Because when He did come back, He came back as the Holy Ghost, and everyone knows you can't kill a ghost. He wasn't taking any more chances. He never wanted to go through that again!"
Brenda Bristol Colchester, Vermont
OK in the UK
The pupils at Cheam School, one of the most respected boys' schools in England, were being briefed for the expected visit next day of Lord Geoffrey Fisher, the archbishop of Canterbury. They were told, "If the archbishop speaks to you, you must address him as either 'My Lord,' or 'Your Grace.'"
When the distinguished cleric arrived complete with gaiters, the boys were marshaled in a row, shoes shined and cheeks scrubbed. The archbishop walked along the line smiling and stopped to speak to one boy. "How old are you, sonny?" he asked.
The boy spoke up: "My God, I'm ten!"
Sherwood Eliot Wirt The Book Of Joy
Actual answer on a children's science exam:
Question: How do you delay milk turning sour?
Answer: Keep it in the cow.
Welcome Back to School!
Sampling of test blunders collected by Richard Benson in his book F, in Exams: The Funniest Test Paper Blunders:
Question: What is nitrate?
Answer: Much cheaper than a day rate.
Question: What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
Answer: Unusual names.
Question: Name only one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
Answer: Learning to speak Latin.
Question: Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
Answer: At the bottom.
Question: What is a fibula?
Answer: A little lie.
Question: Explain the phrase "free press."
Answer: When your mom irons trousers for you.
Question: Name the wife of Orpheus, whom he attempted to save from the underworld.
Answer: Mrs. Orpheus.
Music Hath Charms ...
Bud Frimoth of Portland, Oregon, passed on these actual answers from students on their musical exams:
* "Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd better not try to sing."
* "Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines."
* "Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music, it is called Acapulco."
* "A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals."
* "Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys."
* "Sherbert composed the Unfinished Symphony."
* "Rock Monanoff was a famous composer of piano concerti."
Jamie LeJeune went to school on her first day at Holy Family Catholic Church School in Port Allen, Louisiana. When her mom, Jennifer LeJeune, asked her how her first day went, Jamie replied that everything went just fine, with the exception of one problem: "They don't have enough 'hookers' at school."
Jamie's mom and dad were relieved when Jamie explained that she had no place to hang her backpack due to the "hooker" shortage.
Smiley Anders Baton Rouge (Louisiana) Advocate
End Times Hope
Graphically describing the Day of Judgment, a preacher declared: "There will be great earthquakes and floods. Thunder will crash and lightning will set fires and scorch much of the earth. People will run in every direction, but there will be no escape. Then darkness will fall over the earth."
A little boy sitting in the back pew asked his mother: "Do you suppose they'll let school out early?"
A sixth grader stood up in class and gave this politically correct report of the origins of the Thanksgiving holiday:
"The pilgrims came here seeking freedom of you know what.
"When they landed, they gave thanks to you know who.
"Because of them, we can worship each Sunday, you know where."
Rev. Karl R. Kraft Mantua, New Jersey
Actual answers to children's science exam:
Question: Name the four seasons.
Answer: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.
Question: How is dew formed?
Answer: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Question: What does the word "benign" mean?
Answer: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Prof. Rise Samra Barry University Miami, FloridaCHAPTER 2
"You realize, of course, that's the last time you'll slam-dunk an offering into the collection basket."
from JoyfulNoiseletter.com © Ed Sullivan.
"Did Pastor Get His New Car from All the Money in the Collection Plate?"
God's Kids and Practicality
Kids have such a great way of uncomplicating life. Whether it's an ethical issue, stewardship, or ... Speaking of stewardship, we've all faced it—it's a quiet moment during worship; there's a holy hush over the congregation which is suddenly shattered when Junior spies his dad writing out his offering check and exclaims for all to hear, "Boy, Dad, you spent more than that on sis's Girl Scout cookies!" It's kind of a black-and-white world to God's kids.
The Awe-Full Truth
One Sunday morning, before the beginning of mass, I asked a group of children, "What do you have to do to get to heaven?"
One young theologian yelled at the top of his voice, "Ya gotta die!"
Fr. Gregory Chamberlain, Osb Evansville, Indiana
Remember the Fatted Calf
The children in Sunday school were reading the story of the prodigal son. The teacher asked one little girl which character in the story faced the most difficult challenge.
"The fatted calf, 'cause he got killed," she replied.
The Truth about Aging
Three little sisters were talking very excitedly about their upcoming vacation to Michigan's Upper Peninsula, and crossing the Mackinac Bridge. The youngest girl, Lizzie, age five, began crying and ran into the arms of her mother.
Her mother asked her why she was crying, and Lizzie said she was "scared to go over that long, high bridge."
"But you went over that bridge when you were a baby, and you weren't scared then," her mother said.
Lizzie replied through her tears, "When you're a baby, you don't know stuff. When you're older, you know stuff."
The Liturgical Hop
When my three-year-old grandson came back from church, I asked the boy, "What did you do in church?"
Accompanying it with the appropriate movements, he replied, "Up and down, up and down, up and down!"
Hector Hammerly Vancouver, British Columbia
Little Jack, a four-year-old boy in our prekindergarten class, was chosen to be baby Jesus in the Christmas pageant. He was very proud and did a wonderful job.
Later, when his family was explaining Good Friday to him, he got very upset and said, "I was baby Jesus, but they are not getting me up on any cross."
Fr. Frank weber Clifton, New Jersey
Mom Knows Best
Fr. Don Cleary of Omaha, Nebraska, was preparing a group of children for regular confession. "I wanted to talk about the 'examination of conscience' through which a penitent recalls his or her sins," the priest recalled. "So I began by asking the children, 'How do you know your sins?'" "I expected someone to answer, 'I examine my conscience.' Instead, one child answered, 'I ask my mother.'"
In All Modesty
One evening shortly after the funeral service of her beloved uncle, eight-year-old Julia "JuJu" Salamey, daughter of Hanan and Mike Salamey of Saginaw, Michigan, remarked: "Uncle Emile is still with us; he watches everything we do—except when we go to the bathroom, he stands outside the door."
A Practical Solution
When our son, Christopher, was a toddler, he loved to watch his "Jesus videos." But he was upset by one of the videos, which showed Jesus overturning the tables in the Temple and telling the people to leave.
Christopher said, "I don't like it when He does that. He looks mad." I tried to explain to him that Jesus said, "My house is a house of prayer," and that by doing those things in the Temple, people were not respecting God's house.
Christopher replied, "I know what they could have done instead! Why didn't they just have a yard sale?"
Debbie Heisey Manheim, Pennsylvania
Quite a Pair
A Sunday school teacher asked her class of small children: "What was the name of Jesus' mother?"
"Mary," a little girl answered.
"And what was the name of Jesus' father?" the teacher asked.
"A little boy raised his hand and replied, "Verge."
"Where on earth did you come up with that?" the teacher asked.
"Well, you know, they're always talking about 'Verge 'n' Mary,'" the boy said.
Lowell Yoder Holland, Ohio
Come On In
A woman and her eight-year-old daughter drove past a church having a fall festival. The mother wondered out loud if the church's festival was only for the congregation.
Her little daughter replied, "We can go in, Mom. The sign says 'All Saints Church.'"
Minneapolis Star Tribune
A Sunday school teacher was discussing with her class of youngsters the difference between right and wrong, "As an example," she said, "if I get into a man's pocket and take money from his wallet, what would I be?"
A little boy raised his hand and answered: "You'd be his wife!"
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the commandment, "Honor thy father and thy mother," with her eight-year-old children. She asked, "Is there a commandment that tells us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
"Yeah," a boy replied. "Thou shalt not kill."
A father asked his son what was the highest number he had counted to. The boy replied, "Nine hundred and seventy-three."
Excerpted from Good Humor by Cal Samra, Rose Samra. Copyright © 2011 The Joyful Noiseletter. Excerpted by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc..
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