Great Philosophers Who Failed at Love

by Andrew Shaffer

Overview

Few people have failed at love as spectacularly as the great philosophers. Although we admire their wisdom, history is littered with the romantic failures of the most sensible men and women of every age, including:

Friedrich Nietzsche: "Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent." (Rejected by everyone he proposed to, even when he kept asking and asking.)

Jean-Paul Sartre: "There are of course ugly women, but I prefer those who are pretty." (Adopted his mistress as his daughter.)

Louis Althusser: "The trouble is there are bodies and, worse still, sexual organs." (Accidentally strangled his wife to death.)

And dozens of other great thinkers whose words we revere—but whose romantic decisions we should avoid at all costs.

Includes an excerpt from Andrew Shaffer's new book Literary Rogues.

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9780062036612
Publisher:	HarperCollins
Publication date:	01/17/2024
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	208
File size:	2 MB

About the Author

Andrew Shaffer is the author of Great Philosophers Who Failed at Love and, under the pen name Fanny Merkin, Fifty Shames of Earl Grey. His writing has appeared in such diverse publications as Mental Floss and Maxim. An Iowa native, Shaffer lives in Lexington, Kentucky, a magical land of horses and bourbon.

Table of Contents

Introduction 1

Philosophers

Peter Abelard (1079-1142) 7

Louis Althusser (1918-1990) 14

Saint Thomas Aquinas (1225-1274) 18

Aristotle (384-322 BC) 22

Saint Augustine of Hippo (354-430) 26

Simone de Beauvoir (1908-1986) 31

Henry Ward Beecher (1813-1887) 36

John Calvin (1509-1564) 41

Albert Camus (1913-1960) 45

Nicolas Chamfort (1741-1794) 48

Auguste Comte (1798-1857) 53

René Descartes (1596-1650) 59

John Dewey (1859-1952) 63

Denis Diderot (1713-1784) 67

Diogenes the Cynic (c. 412-323 BC) 72

Fyodor Dostoyevsky (1821-1881) 75

Friedrich Engels (1820-1895) 80

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749-1832) 84

Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel (1770-1831) 89

Martin Heidegger (1889-1976) 93

David Hume (1711-1776) 97

Immanuel Kant (1724-1804) 100

Søren Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 104

John Locke (1632-1704) 108

Titus Lucretius (c. 99-c. 55 BC) 113

Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900) 116

Plato (c. 427-c. 347 BC) 120

Ayn Rand (1905-1982) 124

Jean-Jacques Rousseau (1712-1778) 129

Bertrand Russell (1872-1970) 134

Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980) 138

Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860) 143

Seneca the Younger (c. 4 BC-AD 65) 148

Socrates (469-399 BC) 152

Emanuel Swedenborg (1688-1772) 157

Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862) 162

Leo Tolstoy (1828-1910) 166

Timeline 173

Acknowledgments 177

Selected Bibliography 179

Permissions 193

What People are Saying About This

Neal Pollack

“A funny and oddly moving history of philosophy as tortured erotic dysfunction.”

A.J. Jacobs

“Fascinating, thought-provoking and mildly disturbing... Also, if you are considering dating an eminent philosopher, you need to buy this right now.”

William Irwin

“A fun way to learn about the lives and loves of the great thinkers.”

Tom Morris

“Amazing stories! Incredible quotes! Sordid details! This book shows that a genius in the realm of thought can be a dummy in the land of love. It’s a hilarious and provocative warning, full of cautionary tales for us all. Enjoy it and share it with someone you love!”

Clancy Martin

“Indispensable advice for all lovers—and especially for those who think they should learn about the art of love from philosophers. A wonderful summary of the musings on love by some of history’s greatest and most idiosyncratic minds.”

Martin Cohen

“[A]n entertaining romp through the seamy side of philosophy... highlighting the hypocrisy and downright ineptness of those who too often counted as our ‘greatest thinkers’ in this crucial, if so often overlooked, area of sexual politics...”

Editorial Reviews

Shaffer’s jaunty compendium of highbrow heartbreak provides proof positive that even the most brilliant of minds can fall afoul of Cupid—and offers some measure of hope to the lovelorn. He profiles 37 great Western thinkers, detailing the sometimes lurid, always disastrous ways their love lives imploded. The brisk biographies paint a picture of the pitfalls of marriage, dating, and love, but also a philosophy primer. And after learning that Louis Althusser “accidentally” murdered his wife, that Albert Camus divorced his wife after discovering she was sleeping with a doctor in exchange for morphine, that Friedrich Nietzsche engaged in sexual intercourse on several occasions “on doctor’s orders,” and that Martin Heidegger discovered his son was the product of an affair between his wife and a family friend, almost everyone will feel better about his or her love life. (Jan.) A Being So Gentle: The Frontier Love Story of Rachel and Andrew Jackson Patricia Brady Palgrave Macmillan, (272p) ISBN 978-0-230-60950-1 “Their greatest happiness was being together, and they were miserable when apart.” But Andrew and Rachel Jackson’s marriage led to vicious smears during the 1828 presidential campaign, when opponents labeled Rachel an adulteress, bigamist, and whore. The Jacksons’ adoring 40-year marriage, in fact, began with an elopement while Rachel was still married to a successful but overly possessive merchant. Unable legally to seek a divorce after she fell in love with Jackson, her mother’s lodger, Rachel fled with him to Mississippi and Kentucky, and the legality of their marriage remained opaque. Following Rachel’s death soon after his election as president, Jackson “mourned every day for the rest of his life.” In a narrative more simplistic than nuanced, Brady (Martha Washington) nevertheless spins an absorbing tale of lovers in adversity and reveals the humanity of an ambitious, calculating politician. 16 pages of b&w illus. (Feb.)

Publishers Weekly

‘Great Philosophers Who Failed at Love’ extends the schadenfreude to the boudoir.” — New York Times Book Review

“A funny and oddly moving history of philosophy as tortured erotic dysfunction.” — Neal Pollack, author of Stretch: The Unlikely Making of a Yoga Dude

“Fascinating, thought-provoking and mildly disturbing... Also, if you are considering dating an eminent philosopher, you need to buy this right now.” — A.J. Jacobs, New York Times Bestselling Author of The Year of Living Biblically and The Know-It-All

“Indispensable advice for all lovers—and especially for those who think they should learn about the art of love from philosophers. A wonderful summary of the musings on love by some of history’s greatest and most idiosyncratic minds.” — Clancy Martin, editor of Love, Lies, and Marriage

“Amazing stories! Incredible quotes! Sordid details! This book shows that a genius in the realm of thought can be a dummy in the land of love. It’s a hilarious and provocative warning, full of cautionary tales for us all. Enjoy it and share it with someone you love!” — Tom Morris, author of If Aristotle Ran General Motors

“[A]n entertaining romp through the seamy side of philosophy... highlighting the hypocrisy and downright ineptness of those who too often counted as our ‘greatest thinkers’ in this crucial, if so often overlooked, area of sexual politics...” — Martin Cohen, editor of The Philosopher

“A fun way to learn about the lives and loves of the great thinkers.” — William Irwin, co-editor of The Simpsons and Philosophy

“Shaffer’s jaunty compendium of highbrow heartbreak provides proof positive that even the most brilliant of minds can fall afoul of Cupid—and offers some measure of hope to the lovelorn.” — Publishers Weekly

“If you’re in dutch with your valentine, give him Andrew Shaffer’s book, which recounts the tortured love lives of 37 thinkers. Compared to them, you’ll look as saintly as St. Thomas himself—who, Shaffer tells us, once chased a prostitute out of his room with a hot poker.” — Martha Stewart Whole Living

“Eye-opening, funny, and frequently shocking.” — the Cedar Rapids Gazette

“[An] amusing essay in highbrow schadenfreude...most of the philosophers, giant throbbing intellects and all, simply screwed up like the rest of us.” — Maclean's

From the Publisher

Amazing stories! Incredible quotes! Sordid details! This book shows that a genius in the realm of thought can be a dummy in the land of love. It’s a hilarious and provocative warning, full of cautionary tales for us all. Enjoy it and share it with someone you love!

Tom Morris

Eye-opening, funny, and frequently shocking.

the Cedar Rapids Gazette

Fascinating, thought-provoking and mildly disturbing... Also, if you are considering dating an eminent philosopher, you need to buy this right now.

A.J. Jacobs

A funny and oddly moving history of philosophy as tortured erotic dysfunction.

Neal Pollack

A fun way to learn about the lives and loves of the great thinkers.

William Irwin

[A]n entertaining romp through the seamy side of philosophy... highlighting the hypocrisy and downright ineptness of those who too often counted as our ‘greatest thinkers’ in this crucial, if so often overlooked, area of sexual politics...

Martin Cohen

Indispensable advice for all lovers—and especially for those who think they should learn about the art of love from philosophers. A wonderful summary of the musings on love by some of history’s greatest and most idiosyncratic minds.

Clancy Martin

‘Great Philosophers Who Failed at Love’ extends the schadenfreude to the boudoir.

New York Times Book Review

If you’re in dutch with your valentine, give him Andrew Shaffer’s book, which recounts the tortured love lives of 37 thinkers. Compared to them, you’ll look as saintly as St. Thomas himself—who, Shaffer tells us, once chased a prostitute out of his room with a hot poker.

Martha Stewart Whole Living

[An] amusing essay in highbrow schadenfreude...most of the philosophers, giant throbbing intellects and all, simply screwed up like the rest of us.

Maclean's

Eye-opening, funny, and frequently shocking.

Cedar Rapids Gazette