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THE RULES OF THE
Without rules there can be no game. This
doesn't mean that you are forced to state
the rules formally between the two of
you. However, it does mean that you
must establish the limits of a game clearly
to yourself, must be prepared to stick to
them whatever happens, and must not
hesitate to talk them through with your
partner when it is clearly necessary.
THE AIM OF
The idea of a Games Master/Mistress comes directly from the darker caverns of erotica. Every dominatrix is a Games Mistress. Every male commanding sex "slaves" is a Games Master. It need not be so extreme, but the concept of the Games Master/Mistress is a good one.
First, it implies that someone is in charge, which can be reassuring to nervous beginners. Second, becoming Games Master or Mistress is the basis of some entertaining gaming in itself. Third, in order to be a Master or Mistress you need to be trustworthy and dependable not perhaps the qualities you may have first thought of. Men and women who play sex games are often more trusting than couples with more traditional relationships.
So here are the aims and the rules of the game.
What you want to promote
· Your partner's trust.
· Your partner's excitement.
· Your partner's eager anticipation.
· Your partner's X-rated imagination.
· Reassurance that your own behavior is acceptable.
· The self-belief that you can lead the game well.
· Your own arousal.
· Truly imaginative ways to experience sex.
What you want to prevent
· Scaring your partner.
· Taking your partner too far, too fast.
· Hurting, or in any way threatening, your partner beyond what you have established is mutually acceptable. In many countries sexual activities that involve physically hurting others, even if they are consenting adults, is illegal.
· Losing control of yourself when you are the Games Master/Mistress.
ESTABLISHING A CODE WORD
If you are playing a sex game in which your partner is at your mercy, you may be making a mistake if you stop the action the first time your partner asks you to do so. This is because although your partner may be a little scared, they may also be delighted at the same time. The two emotions often go hand in hand. "Stop, stop," can actually sometimes mean "This is amazing, please don't stop." So how can you tell when you really ought to stop?
The solution to the problem is to establish a code word. This can be a word that you have agreed to beforehand that indisputably means "Stop right now." The minute the code word is uttered, you must always stop immediately.
However, using a code word is really only suitable between lovers who know each other well. In a first-time sex situation, actions of this kind could well be interpreted as aggressive.
Moves you may make
· You may:
touch; fondle; caress; stroke; offer fantasies; ask for fantasies; use sex toys.
· With your partner's consent you may:
establish a safety code word; dominate; submit; use light bondage; tempt; tickle; tantalize; photograph; use sex toys; tell tall stories.
Moves you may not make
· Take the action beyond the agreed limits.
· Disregard a partner's use of the safety code word.
· Expose a partner publicly (and this includes showing photographs of your sexual activities to others).
· Bring in any third party (unless this is by firm mutual consent).
· Physically or emotionally hurt or damage your lover.
GAINING EACH OTHER'S TRUST
As we discuss the use of safety code words in sex games, it becomes clear that in order for any "safety agreement" to work, you and your partner must trust each other implicitly.
Without complete trust, sex games simply do not work. There's not a lot of point in setting up elaborate safety precautions if deep down you fear your wishes will be disregarded in any case. If you are tense and nervous, your own sexual experience will be at best poor and at worst threatening. In such circumstances, the first rule of the game is: DON'T DO IT.
YOUR FIRST MOVES
Your own personal rules
Establish your own trustworthiness in the earliest days of the relationship by stopping any activity the minute your partner indicates that this is what they want. (By this I am not advocating restraint games I am stressing the importance of setting up trust at the very outset.)
Introduce your partner to aspects of your world other than sex. Let them see you in the context of your friends, and of your friends' good opinion of you. The more you open up to them, the more secure they will feel. Think "honest" to yourself. In order for someone to find you reliable, you actually must be reliable.
What your partner should be able to expect
· That you see them as a separate, vulnerable human being.
· That you will ask them about their feelings.
· That you will truthfully state details about yourself. If you are nervous, say so. But be positive as well, saying something like: "The truth is that I haven't done much of this kind of thing before. But I get a strong sense from knowing you that this is going to feel great."
· That you will give your partner time if that is what they want. The more laid back you are about getting into sex games, the more your partner will trust you.
Excerpted from GREAT SEX GAMES by ANNE HOOPER. Copyright © 2000 by Dorling Kindersley Limited. Excerpted by permission. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.