Grief Recovery Handbook - the Action Program For Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses

Grief Recovery Handbook - the Action Program For Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses

4.4 10
by John W. James, Russell Friedman
     
 

Incomplete recovery from grief can have a lifelong negative effect onyour capacity for happiness. Drawing from their own histories, as wellas from others, the authors illustrate what grief is and how it ispossible to recover and regain energy and spontaneity. Based on a provenprogram, now extensively revised, The Grief Recovery Handbookoffers grievers the

Overview

Incomplete recovery from grief can have a lifelong negative effect onyour capacity for happiness. Drawing from their own histories, as wellas from others, the authors illustrate what grief is and how it ispossible to recover and regain energy and spontaneity. Based on a provenprogram, now extensively revised, The Grief Recovery Handbookoffers grievers the specific actions needed to complete the grievingprocess and accept loss. For those ready to regain a sense of aliveness,the principles outlined here make this a life-changinghandbook.

Product Details

ISBN-13:
9780060952730
Publisher:
HarperCollins Publishers
Publication date:
01/28/1998
Edition description:
REVISED
Pages:
192
Product dimensions:
5.30(w) x 7.90(h) x 0.50(d)

Related Subjects

Read an Excerpt

Grief Recovery Handbook, The (Revised)
A Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Devastating Losses

Chapter One

Grief: A Neglected and Misunderstood Process

Grief is the normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind. Therefore, the feelings you are having are also normal and natural for you. The problem is that we have all been socialized to believe that these feelings are abnormal and unnatural.

While grief is normal and natural, and clearly the most powerful of all emotions, it is also the most neglected and misunderstood experience, often by both the grievers and those around them.

Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a -familiar pattern of behavior. What do we mean by conflicting feelings? Let us explain by example. When someone you love dies after suffering a long illness, you may feel a sense of relief that your loved one's suffering is over. That is a positive feeling, even though it is associated with a death. At the same time, you may realize that you can no longer see or touch that person. This may be very painful for you. These conflicting feelings, relief and pain, are totally normal in response to death.

What about divorce? Are there conflicting feelings too? Yes. You may feel a genuine sense of freedom now that the battles are over. That is a positive feeling. At the same time, you may be afraid that you will never "find someone as beautiful/as good a provider." These conflicting feelings, freedom and fear, are also natural responses to loss.

All relationships have aspects of familiarity whether they are romantic, social, familial, orbusiness. What other losses cause similar conflicting feelings? While death and divorce are obvious, many other loss experiences have been identified that can produce grief. Among them are:

Death of a pet
Moving
Starting school
Death of a former spouse
Marriage
Graduation
End of addictions
Major health changes
Retirement
Financial changes-positive or negative
Holidays
Legal problems
Empty nest

Often these common life experiences are not seen as grieving events. We grieve for the loss of all relationships we deem significant - which are thus also emotional.

If the major loss events in your life have not been associated with death, do not put this book down.

After twenty years of working with grievers, we have identified several other losses, including loss of trust, loss of safety, and loss of control of one's body (physical or sexual abuse). Society still does not recognize these losses as grief issues.

Loss-of-trust events are experienced by almost everyone and can have a major, lifelong negative impact. You may have experienced a loss of trust in a parent, a loss of trust in God, or a loss of trust in any other relationship. Is loss of trust a grief issue? The answer is yes. And the problem of dealing with the grief it causes remains the same. Grief is normal and natural, but we have been ill prepared to deal with it. Grief is about a broken heart, not a broken brain. All efforts to heal the heart with the head fail because the head is the wrong tool for the job. It's like trying to paint with a hammer-it only makes a mess.

Almost all intellectual comments are preceded by the phrase, "Don't feel bad." In 1977, when John's infant son died, a well-meaning friend said, "Don't feel bad-you can have other children." The intellectually accurate statement that John had the physical capability to have other children was not only irrelevant, it was unintentionally abusive, because it belittled his natural and normal emotions. John felt bad, his heart was broken.

When Russell and his first wife divorced, he was devastated. A friend said, "Don't feel bad-you'll do better next time." Most of the comments that grievers hear following a loss, while intellectually accurate, are emotionally barren. As a direct result of these conflicting ideas, a griever often feels confused and frustrated, feelings that lead to emotional isolation.

Since most of us have been socialized to attempt to resolve all issues with our intellect, grief remains a huge problem.This intellectual focus has even led to academic articles that suggest gender is an issue in grief. We recognize that males and females are socialized differently, but our experience indicates that males and females are similarly limited when it comes to dealing with sad, painful, and negative feelings. Feelings themselves are without gender. There is no such thing as girl sad or boy sad, girl happy or boy happy.

We are not saying that intellect is totally useless in regard to grief In fairness, you are reading a book, which is an intellectual activity. The book will ask you to understand concepts and to take actions, so clearly there is a degree of intellect involved.

Grief and Recovery

For many, seeing this book's title is the first time they have ever seen the terms "grief' and "recovery" used together. Religious and spiritual leaders have pointed out for centuries that we should look at loss as an opportunity for personal spiritual development. Yet in modern life, moving through intense emotional pain has become such a misunderstood process that most of us have very little idea of how to respond to loss.

What do we mean by recovery? Recovery means feeling better. Recovery means claiming your circumstances instead of your circumstances claiming you and your happiness. Recovery is finding new meaning for living, without the fear of being hurt again. Recovery is being able to enjoy fond memories without having them precipitate painful feelings of regret or remorse. Recovery is acknowledging that it is perfectly all right to feel sad from time to time and to talk about those feelings no matter how those around you react. Recovery is being able to forgive others when they say or do things that you know are based on their lack of knowledge about grief. Recovery is one day realizing that your ability to talk about the loss you've experienced is indeed normal and healthy . . .

Grief Recovery Handbook, The (Revised)
A Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Devastating Losses
. Copyright (c) by John W. James . Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.

Meet the Author

John W. James and Russell Friedman have been working with grievers for more than thirty years. They have served as consultants to thousands of bereavement professionals and provide Grief Recovery® Seminars and Certification Programs throughout the United States and Canada. They are the founders of the Grief Recovery Institute®.

John W. James and Russell Friedman have been working with grievers for more than thirty years. They have served as consultants to thousands of bereavement professionals and provide Grief Recovery® Seminars and Certification Programs throughout the United States and Canada. They are the founders of the Grief Recovery Institute®.

Customer Reviews

Average Review:

Write a Review

and post it to your social network

     

Most Helpful Customer Reviews

See all customer reviews >

Grief Recovery Handbook - the Action Program For Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses 4.4 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 10 reviews.
Guest More than 1 year ago
Profound cannot be cured. You can't wake up one morning and say ``hey, it's gone'' in the same way you can with a sore throat. This book can certainly help you manage your grief and regain the authority over your life. An interesting example is Peter Hiollary, the famoius adventurer who has achieved so much, yet still wrestles with the death of his mother, sister and many many friends. His exploration of grief IN THE GHOST COUNTRY contains the hard truths that need to be faced so one can honestly proceed. THE GRIEF RECOVERY HANDBOOK is one of a number of useful tools out there that tell you where to place your feet as you climb out of your dark hole and back to the living.
Guest More than 1 year ago
This book covers all the little things that happen which we wouldn't normally realize as related to our grief. It helps you know you're not crazy. It shows you that you're normal--no matter how abnormal you may feel.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Everyone experiences loss and sometimes, even as a friend or loved one, we fell powerless in knowing how to help the person or ourselves. That's where this book comes in. This book is a huge step in dealing with that grief. I'd also recommend that you buy "When God Stopped Keeping Score," which takes an intimate look at the power of God and forgiveness. This book too will change your life.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Great product, great service!
Guest More than 1 year ago
I applaud Mr. James and Mr. Friedman for their outstanding work. I highly recommend this book to anyone who has lost a loved one.