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Why do we like to watch certain movies over and over again? The guys on the "Get in Touch With Your Inner Warrior While Playing Drums in Your Undies" circuit might say that these movies reflect our most enduring myths; that watching them compensates for the loss of adventure and danger in our lives, or that the heroes and anti-heroes we identify with delineate the parameters of contemporary manhood. Psychoanalysts would probably theorize that we're searching for father figures in these movies. Sociologists have been known to argue that we're the victims of a bereft culture, which has conditioned us to expect nothing more or less than visceral thrills and to have an insatiable appetite for them. Our wives and girlfriends could accuse us of being lazy slobs with the remote stuck in a perpetual loop of "play, rewind, play, rewind, wait, nudity, pause . . ." Our mothers will insist that we're nothing more than little boys, who still haven't outgrown our boyhood fantasies.
I believe we keep coming back to these movies because they're about the kind of fun we love. When I watch two cars rip through city streets, scattering pedestrians and leaving other cars skidding into each other in their wake, I think, "What a blast it must be to drive like that." Watch a cop mow down a row of deserving thugs, or better still, watch a nasty murderer dream up cruel executions . for undeserving innocents, and I say to myself, "What a ball they must be having acting out our most primal urges without worrying about consequences." See guys behaving like mindless idiots willing to do anything for a cheap laugh, and we acknowledge how much we enjoy doing the same. The way I figure it, that's whymovies were invented: So you can watch other people doing stuff you can't do in real life.
The Guys' Guide to Guys Videos is my attempt to list and de scribe movies I believe are worth watching anytime they're on TV and renting repeatedly. It is a comprehensive list of every guy movie ever made? No, though I will argue that I've included all of the essential ones. And I've tried to add some representative non essential ones, but I have no doubt that many of you have others you'd rather see on the list.
In each entry I've tried to capture the tone of the movie itself, to point you to the scenes you'll always identify the movie with and to accurately get down the lines you'll want to repeat when you're reenacting them with other guys. The ratings that accompany the reviews are based on the quantity and quality of violence, profanity, hot babes, chase scenes and sharp vehicles (I've used the same car symbol for all of them, whether they be motor cycles, airplanes, tanks, cars or horses) and hero worshipa category that designates how cool the main man (men or even woman) is. Just keep in mind that I rated the movies in each chapter in relation to each other, not to all the movies in the book. So, for example, a topless woman in a T & A movie may be worth no more than a 2, but in a war movie, she'd get the film a 5 (highest) babe rating. This, I hope, will make the book handy for you, again and again.
RATINGSVIOLENCEPROFANITYBABESCOOL CARSHERO WORSHIPWHAT HAPPENS Quaid is yer average lunchpail kind of guy of the future. He works a construction job and he has a good looking, devoted blond wife at home who wants them to get away for a vacation on Saturn. And he has a recurring dream about being on Mars with another woman. Nothing unusual about that. But when Quaid goes to Rekalla company that saves you the trouble of traveling by implanting memories of your trip into your brainhe discovers there's more to his dream than he realized. He goes to the troubled planet of Mars, finds the woman in his dream and discovers he has a complex past he can't fully remember. His past and present embroil him in a struggle between a ruthless and greedy mining company CEO and the planet's many fun-lovin' mutants.
THE CAST Arnold is more human, in many ways, in this movie than he is in his other action movies. It's not his Strength that makes him the heroin face, he appears in drag in one scenebut rather his resentment at being manipulated that propels him into action. That resentment is first targeted at his oh-so sneaky wife, played by Sharon Stone. She's her usual horny self so long as Quaid is the docile husband, but she turns low and meanand even more duplicitouswhen he discovers her deceit Better he should stick with Melina, the brunette prostitute on Mars played by Rachel Ticotin. Ronny Cox adds to his collection of cruel corporate cretins as Cohaagen, the mining company chairman who ultimately brings all the players back to his office for a dressing down.
WHY GUYS LOVE IT Arnold fights for the little people, especially those good-hearted prostitutes.
HONEY, YOU LIKE THIS MOVIE . . . Because Arnold dumps that blond hussy Sharon Stone for his true love, brunette Rachel Ticotin.
Arnold removing the electronic device implanted in his brain. He uses a mechanical nose-picker and pulls the bug out like it was a massive booger.
The sales savvy prostitute with three breasts . . . she's sure to be 50 percent more fun.
Doug, sweetheart, you wouldn't hurt me, would you? Be reasonable I am your wife," Sharon Stone pleads with Arnold.
Consider that a divorce," he says as he blasts her.
When Quaid is reunited with dark-haired, erotic Melina, she grabs his little Schwarzenegger and asks him, "What have you been feeding this?"
Blondes," he answers.
"Well, it looks hungry," she observes.
RECORD More people jump, fall or are pushed through glass of all kinds in this movie than any other movie ever made.
Copyright ) 1997 by Scott Meyer