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Overview
No. Most women find themselves lacking somewhere and how much westruggle towards achieving all this depends on how much we'veabsorbed this 21st century myth.
Dr Paula Nicloson is an expert on gender relations and reproductivehealth. She shows us how psychological theories explain women'sdesires and their experiences at home and work and offers solutionsto help us when the balance feels like it's tipping one way oranother. Easy to read and reassuring, keep it handy for when youhave to make decisions about home-life versus career, who you arenow and who you want to be in the future.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9780470846872 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Wiley |
| Publication date: | 12/03/2002 |
| Series: | Family Matters , #7 |
| Pages: | 224 |
| Product dimensions: | 5.73(w) x 8.11(h) x 0.67(d) |
About the Author
Read an Excerpt
Having It All?
Choices for Today's SuperwomanBy Paula Nicolson
John Wiley & Sons
ISBN: 0-470-84687-9Chapter One
Having it all?Choices for today's Superwoman
Having it all?
So much is expected of women today. It isn't enough just to do your best at home and on the job. We have to do it all. We're expected to be the perfect wife and mother, the impeccable housekeeper, the brilliant career woman ... all at once. We have housework, homework, gardening, cooking, family time and overtime to juggle. On top of that, we're still supposed to find time to work out and eat right. After all, we've got to do a little something for ourselves, right?
Superwoman has come under inspection. What does it mean to be a Superwoman? Is she really super? Does being Superwoman mean having to do it all or aim to have it all? Do the career and family prospects for women in the 21st century create a whole new set of obligations for us or do they genuinely give us choices? The answers to these questions are the subject of this book. What follows is intended to inform the reader and stimulate ideas about our lives as contemporary women. We have the chance to gain education, career, family, good health and social, artistic and other skills and benefits which were not available to our parents and grandparents. However, along with these, come obligations and expectations for ourselves. This means hard work and abundant energy.
If we are not bornhaving it all we feel obliged and excited about trying to achieve it. In the process we think we also have to do it all. This is stressful, tiring and potentially unhealthy and unrewarding.
What does it mean to 'have it all'? We all know of other women, and men for that matter, who seem to have everything - good looks, career success, a perfect relationship, wonderful children, money, good taste, self-confidence and a lifestyle that does justice to all of these things. But how do they achieve these things? Are they worthy, more so than we are? Were they born lucky, with a silver spoon in their mouths? Do they have the alchemist's power to turn base metal into gold? Or do we see them as cheats, charlatans, dishonest and unfair players? Are their lives based on privileges that are undeserved? How might we have it all?
The answer to this question is complex and often inconsistent. It doesn't make sense when we see others getting things they don't appear to deserve. Nor is it fair, that despite our best efforts we do not have the things that some others seem to acquire with ease - whether we are talking about possessions, relationships or psychological attributes such as an assertive personality or friendly disposition. When we think about having it all we have to think about three areas of our life in particular - what we are like as individuals, what we can do about changing or developing what we have made of our lives up to date and how to cope with feelings of inadequacy and envy that thoughts about others inspire.
In this book I explore the lives of women who appear to have it all, or who aspire to having it all or who have tried and given up, or perhaps more accurately, have taken a step back, looked at their lives and what is truly of value to them and modified their unrealistic, and frequently punishing, aspirations and behaviours. That is not to say that striving to achieve, seeking what is best for our loved ones and ourselves, is not of value. It is. To do things well and get the best from ourselves in most situations is an empowering, positive, life-enhancing and inspiring experience.
What is important is how and why we achieve what we do. We need to set realistic limits to our aspirations and goals and link the effort to the outcome. In other words we need to understand our potential and expend the amount and kind of effort that is required to achieve it. It is not healthy or in any sense beneficial to set out to accomplish things that others have attained just because they have done it and we haven't. To be truly successful we need to think more about ourselves, and of ourselves to gain a helpful and secure understanding of what is possible and find a means of peace in that knowledge. Beyond that lies the pathway to self-destruction via envy and a stressful lifestyle that finally leaves you exhausted and empty. But why should we have to discuss this at all? Surely it is common sense that we cannot and should not have it all? Our upbringing, the wider culture, religion, schools, universities, governments - all these institutions give out messages that suggest resources are limited. Even those with the greatest power and privilege in society don't all get what they want. How many of us can become President, Prime Minister, chief executives or top lawyers, doctors, journalists, artists and so on? By definition, very few of us.
However, for many women, the pressure has been on, particularly over the last 10 to 15 years. If there are opportunities to get into a high-status profession - better take it. If women can get to the top - better try. You are not truly realising your potential if you don't also have the partner and family. You are neglecting them if you don't give them quality time. You also need friends, and they need some of you too. What point is there in success if you lose your looks? The pressure is on and on. How does the average, talented, warm-hearted, potential Superwoman resist the pressures to have it all and remain sane and reasonably happy? How do you cope with the paradox that by not striving to have it all, by making sensible and realistic choices you might gain fulfilment? In what follows there is an attempt to solve this conundrum and help potential Superwomen to manage to be just that through gaining peace and emotional enrichment that comes with self-knowledge and confidence.
Identifying the pressures: what we want, what we don't want
These days, an important part of a positive image is to appear physically fit and mentally alert, especially in the workplace. The working environment is increasingly competitive, and there is also a trend at present for one person to do the work of at least two people. So it is essential to look as though we can stand the strain and cope with the workload. Our personal lives are often just as demanding as we try to fit more and more into what may already be a hectic lifestyle. Self-help manuals are encouraging:
Making life easier should be the motto of every working mother - here you will find the practical help to do so. There's a no-need-to-think cookery section, including a stress-free guide to entertaining, plus a too-tired-to-think party planner for birthday bashes. You'll feel better if you can squeeze in time purely for yourself. There are plenty of ideas for recharging your batteries, with or without your partner, but definitely sans kids!
Women are more determined than ever to get to the top. The problem seems to be that as they get closer, something stops them - the so-called glass ceiling. ... This book considers some of the main factors which contribute to this glass ceiling and suggests ways of breaking through.
Much has been written about women and how we can improve our lives. How we might be better mothers, move to the top in management, achieve the perfect relationship, be amazing cooks, juggle work and home, improve our body-image and self-esteem, learn to dress for success and heal our minds. It now seems possible for women to have it all - at home, at leisure and at work - provided we take the right advice and make the right decisions. The subject matter of advice-bearing books, magazines and television programmes is how we, as women, might be better than we are. The implication is that we are not naturally perfect women, but that perfection can and ought to be achieved. We owe it to ourselves, our loved ones, our colleagues and the rest of the world, to aspire to be perfect. We deserve to and can now have it all.
But where did these ideas come from? Why should we want to have it all? Why do we need to be perfect? What is 'perfection' anyway? Is the achievement of perfection a right or a responsibility? Do men experience the same pressures? Who determines the characteristics of the perfect woman? What would happen to us if we let go of these aspirations?
We all need to stop and think, to gain a balance in our lives. To do so brings with it personal effectiveness and peace of mind. For so long, the emancipation of women in Western societies has put pressure on us to achieve the (almost) unachievable: to be the perfect woman while winning in the world of men. We believe we have to succeed at work, because we have the opportunities, talents and abilities. We also believe, that because of those opportunities we have to prove ourselves even more so domestically. We are feminine and womanly, even while making it in the professional world that was formerly only open to men.
The pursuit of perfection in all things consumes endless energy and leaves us feeling like a leaking battery - never having the chance to recharge. This leads to mental and physical exhaustion. Experts call this the result of pursuing the Superwoman syndrome. Superwoman gained prominence in the late 20th century and, despite efforts to demolish her influence, she remains the icon of the 21st century Western woman. She makes the most of her opportunities and so seems to have it all - motherhood, love, fun, confidence, success and the admiration of others. Shirley Conran, who made a well-known attempt to demolish the myth, suggests that:
I had noticed a growing anxiety and depression among ordinary women as the result of media propaganda about females who effortlessly organise a career (not a 'job'), home, husband, children and social life, while simultaneously retaining a 24-hour perfect hairstyle and doing something esoteric, such as learning Japanese in their spare time.
But I suspected that no-one could achieve everything that the traditional woman was supposed to do, let alone this demanding, exhausting, super-achiever that threatened to depress our lives.
The conundrum we face is clear. Women have always been expected (and expected themselves) to cope with a great deal - to manage and support the lives of their families, be physically and emotionally 'attractive' and when necessary to earn money to supplement the main income - but in the past we were supposed to have done so quietly and leave the accolades, limelight and the glittering prizes to the men. Changes in sex-roles, technological advances in the home, educational opportunities and economic changes have all led to increased opportunities and expectations for women. Women who do it all (like the stereotype Conran describes above) also may have it all. We are thus in a bind - there are these iconoclastic role models to live up to. Their lives seem to be glamorous, exciting and fulfilling. They also seem to achieve all of these things with ease. The other side of the coin is that there are not enough hours in the day to put in the work towards perfection and to achieve it without some cost to health. Thus self-help manuals show both how to achieve and how to resist having to achieve as Superwomen. But the myth will not disappear.
Exposing the myth of Superwoman
Superwoman still needs to be exposed as a myth. So many of us have tried to achieve the Superwoman distinction but have inevitably failed. Superwoman is, by definition, super-natural. She cannot exist - and she should not exist because to live as Superwoman is to fail. She is the siren, luring women towards anxiety, stress and self-punishing. Choices can be made that are self-enhancing rather than self-admonishing. We need to heed our own needs, to be aware of our feelings and value ourselves for what we are and may choose to become in our own right. To do this, the first step is to understand the Superwoman myth for what it is and for what it might do for our self-esteem and need to achieve. The second step is to pay attention to who we really are and look after ourselves in that knowledge.
Consider the following essay question set for students of English literature:
'Elizabeth is one of the finest products of our civilisation - strong and intelligent, yet bewitching in a completely feminine way'. Discuss Jane Austen's portrayal of Elizabeth Bennet (in the novel Pride and Prejudice) in the light of this claim.
Think also about the message underlying the headline '"Superwoman" myth goes into retirement' in the Houston Chronicle in October 2001:
'I tried to be the perfect wife, mother, teacher, homemaker and lover' admitted a 52-year-old American academic. She went public to the media and her employer about her decision, after 3 decades of chasing the Superwoman myth, to have more balance' in her life.
Superwoman Syndrome, in spite of this, seems to be alive and well not only in our minds but also in the public consciousness. Various experts, psychotherapists, best friends, journalists and internet agony aunts, continue to offer advice to those who strive for power, love and feminine perfection and feel the strain. The paradox though is that the more consciously we recognise the Superwoman as an impossible achievement, the more we are exposed to images of the mythological in popular icons. In a recent magazine article about Nicole Kidman, the movie star focused specifically on her struggles as a single parent following the break-up of her relationship with Tom Cruise. It was illustrated with model-style photographs of the 'talented Miss Kidman' and peppered by quotations from men colleagues:
I knew she would be a star when I first worked with her. She's extremely intelligent - and that is a rare thing in an actor, I'm sorry to say. You can actually have an intelligent discussion with Nicole about the purpose of a particular scene and what you want from it. (Geoffrey Burton, award-winning cinematographer and director who worked with Nicole on Dead Calm.)
and:
You meet a lot of beautiful people in this business but there's something almost luminous about her. I wish I had a clause in my contract that said Nicole Kidman had to be in all my movies. (Joel Schumacher, direct of Batman Forever.)
and:
She's also one of the funniest people I've ever met, as well as one of the most glamorous - but it's impossible to hate her. (Iain Glen, co-star in The Blue Room.)
The movie star herself though, in the piece about her life, comes across as modest, intelligent and self-effacing, attributing her strength in coping to the support of her women friends and the role model of her mother in particular. She says about her mother:
I adore her for her intelligence, her wit and what she gave up to help me and my sister.
Continues...
Excerpted from Having It All? by Paula Nicolson Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
About the author.Acknowledgements.
Introduction: Who should read this book, and why?
1 Making Choices.
Choices for today's Superwoman.
Today's Superwoman.
Identifying the pressures: what we want, what we don'twant.
Exposing the myth of Superwoman.
Being true to yourself: making your own choices.
2 The Superwoman Syndrome.
The heart of women's psychology?
Historical background.
Women's minds and women's lives.
Who is a Superwoman?
The history of today's Superwoman.
'Superwoman Quits!!!' - reasoned withdrawal orbacklash politics?
The heart and mind of Superwoman.
What women want.
Controlling women's bodies and minds.
Superwoman rising from the ashes.
Conclusions.
3 Psychological survival and managing your 'self'.
The psychodynamic approach.
Presenting your self.
Choice and preference: clues to our self-awareness.
What do we need? What do we want?
Fulfilment and health.
Self-actualisation and psychological type.
Superwomen, choices and having it all.
I know who I am.
What have feelings got to do with it?
Mind the gap!
Self-fulfilment and the emergence of our personalSuperwoman.
What others do to you.
Being confident in adversity.
Conclusions.
4 Myth, magic or just hard work.
What type of Superwoman are you?: Are you sure you should bedoing this?
Describing Superwoman.
Real and false choices.
Beware of the false self.
The real self: understanding our drives.
What about Superwoman?
What kind of Superwoman are you?
But really - who are you?
5 The rise of Superwoman
From fear of success to emotional intelligence Women'smotives at work.
Fear of success: the myth of the passive woman?
Femininity and passivity: women's natural self?
Different bodies, different minds.
Freud and femininity.
Biology, genes, brains and gender.
From different psychologies to better psychologies.
Emotional intelligence and female natures: are we the winnersnow?
Emotional competence.
Conclusions.
6 It is still a man's world!
Having it all at work: Having it all - at work.
Real women's lives.
Conflicts at work: challenges to having it all.
Beware of hazards.
Mapping the territory.
Barriers to success and the downfall of a Queen Bee.
Overcoming internal barriers.
Overcoming external barriers.
Conclusions.
7 Motherhood versus the glittering career.
Coping with the backlash Lifestyle choices for Superwoman.
Expectations versus reality: what do you do when the babyarrives?
You can still find a pathway to success!
The emancipation of mothers: an oxymoron!
The role of fathers in the lifestyle choice.
Superwoman and the backlash against feminism.
Conclusions: You don't need to do it all and youdon't need to lose it all!
8 Coping with stress.
Superwoman says 'no!' Juggle don'tstruggle!
Stress and Superwoman.
Recognising stress in our lives.
How to cope with stress.
Breaking the stress/burn-out cycle?
Assertiveness - saying 'no'.
Conclusions.
9 Challenging choices.
Working with what you've got!: So who has problemsnow?
Women joining in.
Choices for today's Superwoman.
Further information.
Notes and references.
Index.