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A marriage can be such a fragile thing, but it can also be one of the best relationships two people can have. In my case it wasn't so; our vows, "to death due us part," was the beginning of the end for us. My story is not the first and will not be the last when it comes to divorce. I have just expressed my emotions through words that may help others, both men and women, through one of the most difficult times of one's life. This is my true story of coping with tragedy and my ultimate survival.
For months, or maybe over a year, things weren't right in our relationship. We had been together for almost 19 years, and things were changing more dramatically the last few months. His overnight poker games, and the classes he would take on Thursday nights started me wondering if he really was where he said. He would call later in the evening and say that he wouldn't be home because he was going drinking with his buddies after his class. This started a flickering little light in my brain that I couldn't shake nor could I turn it off. He would also leave really early on Saturday and Sunday mornings and wouldn't be home for hours-well after dinnertime. Even my neighbors began to notice that his truck was never here. The staleness in our relationship was getting more pronounced. Our last anniversary he had forgotten, and there were no flowers on Valentine's Day. Was it that we had been together for so long that we were now taking advantage of each other? I mean, a couple of years ago, I forgot our anniversary, and felt terrible about it. Now, he had no desire to kiss nor hug me anymore either, and after two years of being in a relationship without intimacy, I got distant too. I even moved out of the Master Bedroom. At first it was due to a car accident that hurt my lower back, and I couldn't stand the mattress because it was too hard. But, after a while, I really enjoyed not sleeping in the same room with him. His loud snoring, the way he took over the bed, and his constant allergy attacks irritated me. I knew our relationship was in trouble, so maybe part of his ultimate actions were my fault. Because he never wanted to touch me anymore, I just knew he was getting his affection somewhere else; but with who? Maybe I didn't care. Maybe I didn't want to be with him anymore and we were just going through the motions of man and wife-you know, paying bills, taking care of our son, etc. But it seemed that I took over a lot of the household duties more than him. For, he never did laundry, vacuuming, dusting, dishes, ironing. You name it; he DIDN'T do it. Maybe I put forth too much effort when we were dating. For it seemed that I did too many household chores and he got used to it. I mean, he really was a slob, and "a slob is a slob is a slob," right? Well, it was for him, and I put up with it. So, blame me as much as him for not having an equal relationship. I guess I realized it was over, but I didn't know how to gain back my strength to proceed onward. However, through prayer, I was finally at my wits-end and found the courage and the timing to do what was necessary.
It was June 20, 2009; it just one day before Father's Day and our son and his grandmother planned a vacation to Texas to see relatives. My husband had taken our son to breakfast and then he proceeded to take them both to the airport. I had plans to run errands that morning and then go to a movie in the afternoon. The morning had gotten away from me, and now I found myself at the movie theatre. I had just gotten settled in my seat, and my son called me to say he had arrived at his destination. I told him that I was in the movie theatre and that the movie was about to begin, but that I'd call him upon the conclusion. After just a few hours, I left the theatre and proceeded to call back my son. My sister-in-law answered and informed me that he was on the other phone with his dad and would return my call after he finished. Just a few minutes had passed, there was my son calling to tell me how excited he was to be in Texas. I told him that his aunt had just told me that he had finished a call from his dad. Now was my time to put my plan into action. I asked him, "So, where's your dad?" He replied with, "He's at work." Well, sometimes this was true on a Saturday and sometimes even on a Sunday; today I didn't believe it. So, I proceeded to his office, which just happened to be just down the street from where I was going. I drove passed the parking lot, but didn't see his truck. I turned around and proceeded back, pulled into the parking lot, and then I drove behind the building. My gut feeling had to be right! He was lying again; I just knew it! I'm not sure what my emotions were, but I almost wimped out and went home. I got half way home, and had a judgment call, so I turned around. I had a gut feeling who she was, and I just happened to know where she lived. She was just 10 minutes away, so I proceeded there. At this point, my heart was pounding faster than ever. Would I be wrong? I've felt that way before. I mean, my heart was telling me one thing and my head was telling me another. Did he really have it in him to cheat on me? Many questions raced through my mind in the 10 minute drive there. As I turned into her housing development, and made the first right-there, the third house on the right was his truck parked in her driveway. The garage door was open and a lawn mover was in sight, but he was nowhere to be found. I slowly drove passed, but didn't see anyone, not even her. I drove to the end of the cul-de-sac, turned around, and drove right passed her house again. Again, there was no one out front. At that moment, my heart was racing even faster and my hands were shaking as if to be nervous. I knew I couldn't stop or I would have done something I would have regretted. All the way home, I think I was in shock. What was my plan now? I was pretty sure I had found out my answer, but I didn't know for sure. Was he just there helping her with some domestic chore? If the answer were "yes," then why would he lie to his son about his location? Well, they had been friends for a long time, so it may have just been innocent and I was jumping to conclusions.
I even thought she was my friend. But today was different. Today, I had to have answers, but I didn't know how to proceed. What would I say and when would I get a chance to say it? I got home and various scenarios went streaming through my mind. Before I knew it, 30 minutes had past, and I was ajar from my thoughts as the phone rang. It was him telling me that he wouldn't be home tonight for there, again, was another poker party with the guys. There it was, another lie, I just knew it. I'm not sure what gave me the strength to ask, but the words just flowed out. "So, did she get her grass mowed?" I asked. His reply was, "Well I guess so." I then asked, "Do you want to live with her?" He replied, "I would like too!" Right then, my heart just sank. All of my suspicions, all of my times when I thought I was going crazy with worry flooded my brain-he cheated and he wanted to be with her! My next comment was, "So, when can you come get your stuff?" He replied, "Tomorrow." My next remark was that I had thought something like this was going on for a while, and he said, smugly, "Well, I wanted our son to get help with his medical issue first." I then proceed to tell him that I would file the paperwork within the next day or so. He agreed. There, in a flash of less than 5 minutes, my marriage of almost 18 years was dead! I hung up the phone and I can't remember my first reaction, but I immediately starting calling my girlfriends.
I couldn't breath, but I know the tears were falling too fast for me to think anymore. I guess I knew what was going on, but I was devastated with the truth, and it wasn't me who left for another man. This marriage wasn't working, but did he have to do this to me? Now lying on the table was all of the lies, all of the deceit-was I not worth him just leaving me, and not into another woman's arms all within 24 hours? I didn't know the answers, but I had to talk to someone. So, I started dialing. Everyone I could think of flooded my brain. Most of them, however, were not answering their phones. I did get in touch with his sister, and asked her to remove herself from my son's presence so he would not hear any of this mess. Was she surprised? Who knows? I told her what her brother had done to me, and that I was filing for divorce. There, the word came out-ouch! Maybe it wasn't something she was crazy about for she, too, went through a divorce just a year prior. It was she who wanted out of a marriage with a verbally abusive man who couldn't care for himself, but it does take two to tangle. So, who knows what else happened in her relationship that matched mine. But at this moment, it was my time to fall apart, but I needed a close friend to be with me. After a few more calls I did get in touch with a close co-worker who came to my rescue. Within 20 minutes she was there on my doorstep to listen to my ills. By the time she pulled up, my eyes had filled with tears once again and they were red with pain. She didn't really initially hear what had happened due to my shaky voice, but she listened once again to my afternoon saga. We then went inside and sat at the table. At that point, I knew it was so true. All of the questions that were running through my mind had now been answered. All of the nights he said he was with the guys, at a class or where ever, he must have been with her! He needed an excuse to be with her over night, and that was his out. Was I devastated? I don't know. Did I care? Even that question was fuzzy. The only thing I knew was that he needed to get out of my life with the word "spouse" attached to it. So, after my co-worker consoled me for several hours, and watched me down almost a whole bottle of wine, I told her I was ok, and now needed to precede packing up his things. I accumulated several boxes and trash bags and then stuffed as much as I could into each container. By the time I was too tired to think, I had removed all of his clothes and shoes from the closet to include knickknacks and all of his toiletries. I was on a mission to get rid of him and his possessions. I then proceeded downstairs to remove pictures that were his and his favorite glasses. Did the thought occur to me to break everything that should go to him? Of course it did, but I struggled through my ordeal with dignity. I'm not sure how or why, but I did it. I even found some newspaper to wrap them in-was I being too nice? Probably. But, part of me just wanted him gone for good and I was trying to push my emotions aside. An angel must have been watching and guiding me through these minutes and hours, for I don't know why I did what I did-and with self-esteem. I had no inkling to destroy any of his possessions. Why? I don't know why-but, maybe it was due to the fact that I am in my mid-40s and perhaps had a new outlook on a situation that would have probably destroyed me if I was in my 20s.
It was Day 2, and of all days it was Father's Day. He was coming over to get his things and leave permanently. I didn't know when he was coming-only that he was coming. I didn't sleep much that night-perhaps an hour or so. My face was puffy, my eyes were red, and I was exhausted from sleep deprivation. It must have been 1 p.m. or so, and I thought I had heard a noise in the garage. I got up from the couch, and proceeded though the door that led to the garage. I could see the garage door was open, and there to my right he was standing. Just a few steps into the garage, and I was standing beside him. He looked quite distraught, but ready for a fight. As I opened my mouth to say something, it was as if he thought I was going to yell at him for his adulteress actions. He was very surprised to find that I said I wanted this situation to be amicable. I don't think I had ever seen him so humbled. Was it the fact that I busted him before he could surprise me? Maybe. Or was it the fact that I caught him off guard with the biggest lie he ever told me, and for the first time in our relationship; he didn't know how to handle it? There were times where I could get him speechless, but it didn't happen very often. He was always pretty good about having the perfect "come back" line, but not today. I even informed him that I had packed up most of his things, and had inventoried the whole house. I had gotten organized, and I don't know how I had the strength to do it so quickly. It seemed like he was there for hours getting his things, but the actual time was much less. He had made three trips-the last one with a buddy who had a truck. I was very surprised to find that he didn't want many things. He didn't take any furniture, only the necessities. Well, duh? She already had everything-I guess I didn't think about it at that time, but it did hit me later. Maybe I just wanted him to get the things that irritated me about him out of the house. All of his tools, that stupid deer head he had on the wall in the Master Bedroom, and his gun cabinet-also in the Master Bedroom. Who puts things like that in a Master Bedroom? Only a "Bachelor Want A Be" I guess. But, now they were going away for good. Over to her house-Hah! Does she know what she's getting? How could another woman do this to her "lover's" wife? Doesn't she know that karma could come back to bite her? I mean, really, how could someone literally put a knife into another person's back like that? All of the hateful, cruel things in life have ended up in my lap, because of their wants and desires. No one asked me if I wanted this, and no one asked our son or her daughters. The word "selfishness" seemed to stream though my blood at this point and it started to boil. I had so many emotions: I didn't know which one of them to choose to deal with first.
Day 3 - By the third day, my head was still a wreck, but I wanted to file for the divorce and get the clock running. By the 91st day, I could be single again and my "anchor" of almost 18 years could be gone-at least from my home. It was 9 a.m. that morning and he said that he would meet me at my office. So, I waited at the front reception area for him. By 9:15 a.m., I went back to my desk and there was a phone message from him asking if it was ok for him to come now. Well, what part of 9 a.m. didn't he get? It just seemed like another control issue that he was using. Well, I called him and said to come over now. It was about 10 minutes later and there he was, so I went out into the hallway to meet him. We then proceeded upstairs to get some paperwork notarized. One of the first things out of his mouth was that he wasn't going to pay maintenance to me. That arrogant asshole! First, he cheats, then he thinks he didn't do anything wrong! I kept my wits about me because he then said that he would pay me a substantial amount per month for child support even though we would have joint custody. Ok, that would work too. I never got that much out of him ever before, so I thought I'd take it and run. My hesitancy rescinded and we proceeded finishing the paperwork.
Since this man had been riding so high at one point in his life-you know the type, making a lot of money, constant appreciation by his clients and his business contacts, and then thinking he would never get caught doing something he shouldn't have done. I think he finally had some guilt. He must have thought he was invincible or at least a god! Now, he had come to a realization that what he was once getting paid in one month, in the mortgage field, he was now making the same amount over a period of six months. Was it his ego that stumped him? Did he need someone else to make him feel better than I ever had? Perhaps. Maybe it was he who had become someone who needed to be in a pair of bigger "britches" as we would say in the south. I didn't know any of these answers, but we needed to finish what we had started today. After the papers were done, we both proceeded over to the courthouse since it was only a block from my office. We drove in separate vehicles, because I didn't or couldn't be that close to him-not today. We met in the front of the courthouse and walked in together, amicably, to my surprise. After going through security, we proceeded to the Clerk of the Court. We just so happened to get assistance from the same lady from my first visit yesterday. I had had some questions on filing and whether we needed to file for dissolution of divorce or for a legal separation. I didn't know if you had to do one then the other-this was all foreign to me. I mean the minister doesn't give you this training in marriage counseling before you say your, "I do's." She had informed me that I could do one or the other. You don't have to be legally separated and then get a divorce. I told her that I wanted him gone since he cheated on me. Her face said it all-she had heard this one before, and shyly lowered her head. As we both walked up to her, I commented that I remembered her from yesterday and that she was at the other window. She immediately said that she remembered me, and there again was that sheepish smile, for she knew what he had done, but she kept her mouth shut. I think she was surprised that we had actually gone to file together. I'm sure that most of the time, there are more tears and grief-stricken stories she heard than plain talk and civil obedience. I guess it didn't matter, for we both handed her our initial paperwork, and she recorded it as we paid our fee. There it was, part of my veteran's stimulus money had to go for this crap! I guess the only good thing about it was that I had the money. Of course, he had to put it on a credit card-his one and only way to pay for everything lately. At least I had that pulling for me. I could actually pay with a check from my checking account and not charge it. Bully for me!! After about 15 minutes, the clock started ticking. The 91st day would be upon us sooner than we thought. I felt somewhat relieved, but very unsure of what my future would bring. As we walked down the corridor, I asked him one last question that was still stuck in my mind. If it were me who had cheated, would he be acting like I was now? His immediate response was "yes." That liar! He would tell everyone and his banker that I was the "Ho" that did him wrong! He was lying through his teeth and he knew it!! I didn't buy it for a second. Maybe I just wanted one "dig" of my own, and now it was done. The front door wasn't very far away now, and as we proceeded outside, we continued to talk. I guess mostly about our son and how we would handle the situation when he came back home from his vacation with grandma. We stood close to where I parked and talked for at least the next 40 minutes. He kept talking about our son and how he wanted to put him first in this situation. My thoughts went to the other direction because he had never put our son first in anything-especially this one. He was only thinking of himself, and what he wanted. The only person who was first in his life was himself! It was me who cared for our son since infancy. I remember a time when he was first born and we went out to a restaurant. I was getting our son out of the car, and he proceeded to get out, close the car door and was heading down the sidewalk to the restaurant. As he turned around to see where I was, his response was "oh." He had forgotten our son-how do you forget an infant in a car? That's how selfish he was, and he didn't change in the 13 years since our son was born. It was me who changed diapers, feed and clothed him, and was there when he was sick. My ex was such a solitary man; in that I mean he cared only for his own needs. Other people's needs were secondary. For example, I remember a time when I had strep throat, and I was doing laundry. He told me that maybe I should lie down and rest. I told him that the laundry wouldn't get done by itself. His response was, " You can do it later." He didn't even offer to help with that chore. Why the hell I didn't leave then, I'll never know. All of these years of torment led us to this day-our day of reckoning. I mean, I could count on one hand how many diapers he changed in the 4-1/2 years of "diaper management" training for new parents, and he was proud of that fact! It was quite the effort to even ask him to pick up our son from daycare, for there was always an excuse why he couldn't. It was he who had put himself first in every situation. It was only this year-the year our son turned 13-when he finally stepped up to the plate. He was now spending more time with him as "father and son." Then, he started paying for some necessary medical treatments-Oh My God, what happened? Maybe he had to vindicate himself into believing that he really was a good dad? How could a parent think you can be absent for "umpteen" years and then make up for this inactivity in just six months? He had to either be stoned or drunk, but in his case, his new chick must have given him the encouragement.
Excerpted from He Cheated! by Kaitland Price Copyright © 2010 by Kaitland Price. Excerpted by permission.
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Posted February 3, 2010
The author presents her feelings out where everyone can see them. She went through a rough patch, but faced it with grace and dignity, and now seems she can move on without him!
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Posted November 19, 2011
I have read this book and reread this book and I find it to be one of
the best books I have ever read. I like the honesty of the author, what
she has been through and experienced, and how she tells the truth of what happened. She has come through some of the worst trials of life and
has bounced back and is now enjoying life as a single Mother. This lady
had no family to help her through all the rough patches that went wrong
in her marriage and she truly believed once you marry it is forever.
Her family was too far away to be of any help to her. She had to struggle with her job, her son, her home, her memories, her belief's,
her hurt and she had to pick up her hurt self and begin all over again
with no family and no man. The struggles she went through have made her
much stronger and I can promise you no man will ever get away with this
again with this lady. She was vulnerable because she believed in trust
but now her senses are heightened. She is woman, hear her roar.
Posted October 26, 2010
No text was provided for this review.