Hello Goodbye Hello: A Circle of 101 Remarkable Meetings

by Craig Brown

Overview

Hello Goodbye Hello is a daisy chain of 101 fascinating true encounters, a book that has been hailed by reviewers in London as “howlingly funny” (The Spectator), “original and a complete delight” (The Sunday Times), and “rich and hugely enjoyable” (The Guardian). Or, as the London Evening Standard put it, “the truth and nothing but the plain, bonkers, howling truth . . . It is partly a huge karmic parlour game, partly a dance to the music of chaos—and only the genius of Craig Brown could have produced it.” Who could imagine such unlikely—but true— encounters as these:

Martha Graham meets Madonna

Igor Stravinsky meets Walt Disney

Frank Lloyd Wright meets Marilyn Monroe

Marilyn Monroe meets Nikita Khrushchev

President Richard Nixon meets Elvis Presley

Harpo Marx meets George Bernard Shaw

Cecil Beaton meets Mick Jagger

Salvador Dali meets Sigmund Freud

Groucho Marx meets T.S. Eliot

Brilliant in conception, Hello Goodbye Hello shows how the celebrated and gifted—like the rest of us— got along famously or disastrously or indifferently with one another, but, thanks to Craig Brown, always to our amusement and entertainment.

From an opening story in which Adolf Hitler survives being knocked down by a careless English driver in 1931 to the Duchess of Windsor’s meeting with the Führer over tea, and 99 others in between, Hello Goodbye Hello is the perfect example that truth is stranger than fiction (and infinitely more enjoyable).

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781451684520
Publisher:	Simon & Schuster
Publication date:	08/07/2012
Sold by:	SIMON & SCHUSTER
Format:	eBook
Pages:	384
File size:	2 MB

About the Author

Craig Brown has been writing the Private Eye celebrity diary since 1989 and is a columnist for London’s Daily Mail. He has also written parodies for many publications, including the Daily Telegraph, Vanity Fair, The Times, and The Guardian. The author of several books of fiction and nonfiction, he lives in London.

Read an Excerpt

MARILYN MONROE

WEARS HER TIGHTEST, SEXIEST DRESS FOR

NIKITA KHRUSHCHEV

The Café de Paris, Hollywood

September 19th 1959

In her bungalow at the Beverly Hills Hotel, Marilyn Monroe is preparing to meet the Soviet Premier, Nikita Khrushchev. When she was first invited, his name hadn’t rung a bell, and she wasn’t keen to go. It was only when her studio told her that in Russia, America meant two things, Coca-Cola and Marilyn Monroe, that she changed her mind. ‘She loved hearing that,’ recalls Lena Pepitone, her maid. Marilyn tells Lena that the studio wants her to wear her tightest, sexiest dress. ‘I guess there’s not much sex in Russia,’ she concludes.

Her preparations are lengthy and elaborate, involving a masseuse, a hairdresser and a make-up artist. When they are halfway through, the president of Twentieth Century-Fox, Spyros Skouras, arrives, just to make sure that, for once in her life, Marilyn will be on time. As agreed, she squeezes into a low-cut, skin-tight black lace dress. Her chauffeur drops her at the studio before noon. The parking lot is empty. ‘We must be late! It must be over!’ gasps Marilyn. In fact, they are far too early.37

Nikita Khrushchev’s American tour has had more than its share of ups and downs. He is a temperamental character, apt to flair up at the slightest provocation. Perhaps because of this, the American media cannot get enough of him. ‘It’s Khrush, Khrushy, Khrushchev!’ writes a columnist for the New York Daily News. ‘The fellow’s all over the dials these days ... The pudgy Soviet dictator is smiling, laughing, scowling, shaking his forefinger or clenching his iron fist.’ Others have been less generous. A rival columnist in the New York Mirror describes him as ‘a rural dolt unwittingly proving a case against himself and his system’. The three main television networks show live coverage of his visit, repeating it every night in special thirty-minute bulletins. He is followed everywhere by 342 reporters and photographers, the largest travelling media group the world has ever known.

On the fifth day of his tour, Khrushchev arrives in Los Angeles, in time for lunch for four hundred people at Twentieth Century-Fox. There has been such demand for places that spouses have been banned unless they also happen to be stars. There are one or two couples – Elizabeth Taylor and Eddie Fisher, Tony Curtis and Janet Leigh – but they are few and far between.

Khrushchev enters a packed room. Everyone who is anyone is here: Edward G. Robinson, Judy Garland, Ginger Rogers, Kirk Douglas, Shelley Winters, Dean Martin, Debbie Reynolds, Nat ‘King’ Cole, Frank Sinatra, Maurice Chevalier, Zsa Zsa Gabor. Mrs Khrushchev is seated between Bob Hope and Gary Cooper. Conversation proves stilted.

‘Why don’t you move out here? You’ll like the climate,’ suggests Cooper.

‘No,’ replies Mrs Khrushchev. ‘Moscow is all right for me.’

Khrushchev is on the top table, next to Skouras. Lunch has its awkward moments. When Khrushchev is told that his spur-of-the-moment request to visit Disneyland has been turned down, owing to security worries, he sends the American Ambassador to the UN a furious note. ‘I understand you have cancelled the trip to Disneyland. I am most displeased.’

The after-lunch speeches are awkward. Khrushchev heckles Skouras during his speech of welcome, and further heckles Henry Cabot Lodge as he speaks of America’s affection for Russian culture. ‘Have you seen They Fought for Their Homeland?’ he yells. ‘It is based on a novel by Mikhail Sholokhov.’

‘No.’

‘Well, buy it. You should see it.’

In his own speech, Khrushchev grows very bullish. ‘I have a question for you. Which country has the best ballet? Yours?! You do not even have a permanent opera and ballet theatre! Your theatres thrive on what is given to them by rich people! In our country, it is the state that gives the money! And the best ballet is in the Soviet Union! It is our pride!’

After going on like this for forty-five minutes, he suddenly seems to remember something. ‘Just now, I was told that I could not go to Disneyland. I asked, “Why not? What is it? Do you have rocket-launching pads there?” Just listen to what I was told: “We” – which means the American authorities – “cannot guarantee your security there.” What is it? Is there an epidemic of cholera there? Have gangsters taken hold of the place?’ He punches the air, and starts to look angry. ‘That’s the situation I find myself in. For me, such a situation is inconceivable. I cannot find words to explain this to my people!’

At last he sits down. The Hollywood audience applauds. As he is being shown to the sound stage to watch the movie Can-Can being filmed,38 he recognises Marilyn Monroe and darts over to shake her hand. All wide-eyed, Marilyn delivers a line that Natalie Wood, a fluent Russian speaker, has coached her to say. For once, she gets it right first time: ‘We the workers of Twentieth Century-Fox rejoice that you have come to visit our studio and country.’

Khrushchev seems to appreciate her effort. ‘He looked at me the way a man looks on a woman,’ she recalls.

‘You’re a very lovely young lady,’ he says, squeezing her hand.

‘My husband, Arthur Miller, sends you his greeting. There should be more of this kind of thing. It would help both our countries understand each other.’

Afterwards, Marilyn Monroe enthuses, ‘This is about the biggest day in the history of the movie business.’ But when she gets back home, she has changed her tune. ‘He was fat and ugly and had warts on his face and he growled,’ she tells Lena. ‘Who would want to be a Communist with a President like that?’39

But she is pretty sure that the Premier enjoyed their meeting. ‘I could tell Khrushchev liked me. He smiled more when he was introduced to me than for anybody else at the whole banquet. And everybody else was there. He squeezed my hand so long and so hard that I thought he would break it. I guess it was better than having to kiss him.’

Table of Contents

Note to the U.S. Edition xvii

Author s Note xxi

Adolf Hitler + John Scott-Ellis 1

John Scott-Ellis + Rudyard Kipling 4

Rudyard Kipling + Mark Twain 7

Mark Twain + Helen Keller 11

Helen Keller + Martha Graham 14

Martha Graham + Madonna 17

Madonna + Michael Jackson 20

Michael Jackson + Nancy Reagan 23

Nancy Reagan + Andy Warhol 26

Andy Warhol + Jackie Kennedy 29

Jackie Kennedy + HM Queen Elizabeth II 32

HM Queen Elizabeth II + The Duke of Windsor 35

The Duke of Windsor + Elizabeth Taylor 38

Elizabeth Taylor + James Dean 41

James Dean + Alec Guinness 44

Alec Guinness + Evelyn Waugh 47

Evelyn Waugh + Igor Stravinsky 51

Igor Stravinsky + Walt Disney 54

Walt Disney + P.L. Travers 57

P.L. Travers + George Ivanovich Gurdjieff 61

George Ivanovich Gurdjieff + Frank Lloyd Wright 64

Frank Lloyd Wright + Marilyn Monroe 67

Marilyn Monroe + Nikita Khrushchev 70

Nikita Khrushchev + George Brown 74

George Brown + Eli Wallach 78

Eh Wallach +Frank Sinatra 82

Frank Sinatra + Dominick Dunne 85

Dominick Dunne + Phil Spector 88

Phil Spector + Leonard Cohen 91

Leonard Cohen + Janis Joplin 94

Janis Joplin + Patti Smith 97

Patti Smith + Allen Ginsberg 100

Allen Ginsberg + Francis Bacon 103

Francis Bacon + HRH Princess Margaret 106

HRH Princess Margaret + Kenneth Tynan 109

Kenneth Tynan + Truman Capote 112

Truman Capote + Peggy Lee 115

Peggy Lee + President Richard M. Nixon 119

President Richard M. Nixon + Elvis Presley 123

Elvis Presley + Paul McCartney 127

Paul McCartney + Noël Coward 130

Noël Coward + Prince Felix Youssoupoff 133

Prince Felix Youssoupoff + Grigori Rasputin 136

Grigori Rasputin + Tsar Nicholas II 139

Tsar Nicholas II + Harry Houdini 142

Harry Houdini + President Theodore Roosevelt 145

President Theodore Roosevelt + H.G. Wells 149

H.G. Wells + Josef Stalin 152

Josef Stalin + Maxim Gorky 155

Maxim Gorky + Leo Tolstoy 158

Leo Tolstoy + Pyotr Il'ich Tchaikovsky 161

Pyotr Il'ich Tchaikovsky + Sergei Rachmaninoff 164

Sergei Rachmaninoff + Harpo Marx 167

Harpo Marx + George Bernard Shaw 170

George Bernard Shaw + Bertrand Russell 174

Bertrand Russell + Sarah Miles 177

Sarah Miles + Terence Stamp 181

Terence Stamp + Edward Heath 184

Edward Heath + Walter Sickert 188

Walter Sickert + Winston Churchill 192

Winston Churchill + Laurence Olivier 195

Laurence Olivier + J.D. Salinger 198

J.D. Salinger + Ernest Hemingway 202

Ernest Hemingway + Ford Madox Ford 206

Ford Madox Ford + Oscar Wilde 209

Oscar Wilde + Marcel Proust 212

Marcel Proust + James Joyce 215

James Joyce + Harold Nicolson 219

Harold Nicolson + Cecil Beaton 222

Cecil Beaton + Mick Jagger 225

Mick Jagger + Tom Driberg 228

Tom Driberg + Christopher Hitchens 232

Christopher Hitchens + George Galloway 236

George Galloway + Michael Barrymore 240

Michael Barrymore + Diana, Princess of Wales 244

Diana, Princess of Wales + Princess Grace 247

Princess Grace + Alfred Hitchcock 250

Alfred Hitchcock + Raymond Chandler 253

Raymond Chandler + Howard Hawks 256

Howard Hawks + Howard Hughes 259

Howard Hughes + Cubby Broccoli 262

Cubby Broccoli + George Lazenby 266

George Lazenby + Simon Dee 269

Simon Dee + Michael Ramsey 272

Michael Ramsey + Geoffrey Fisher 276

Geoffrey Fisher + Roald Dahl 279

Roald Dahl + Kingsley Amis 282

Kingsley Amis + Anthony Armstrong-Jones 285

Lord Snowdon + Barry Humphries 288

Barry Humphries + Salvador Dalí 291

Salvador Dalí + Sigmund Freud 294

Sigmund Freud + Gustav Mahler 297

Gustav Mahler + Auguste Rodin 301

Auguste Rodin + Isadora Duncan 304

Isadora Duncan + Jean Cocteau 307

Jean Cocteau + Charlie Chaplin 311

Charlie Chaplin + Groucho Marx 314

Groucho Marx + T.S. Eliot 317

T.S. Eliot + Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother 321

Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother + The Duchess of Windsor 325

The Duchess of Windsor + Adolf Hitler 329

Acknowledgements 333

Bibliography 335

Editorial Reviews

…captivating…a glittering daisy chain that reads like a mathematical proof of the theory of six degrees of separation…Instead of using his celebrated gifts as a parodist in these pages, Mr. Brown chooses a straightforward narrative voice that proves as pliant as it is entertaining. In drawing upon an assortment of source material including diaries…biographies, interviews and obituaries, Mr. Brown constructs portraits that have all the immediacy of reportage, all the fanciful detail of fiction. He has whipped up a gratifying summertime confection—funny, diverting, occasionally sad.
—Michiko Kakutani

The New York Times

…deliciously clever and amusing…many of [the encounters are] exceedingly funny, a few of them surprisingly revealing and a few rather sad, and all of them connected by the daisy chain to end all daisy chains…All in all, Hello Goodbye Hello is splendid company…
—Jonathan Yardley

The Washington Post

In this expansive game of “six degrees,” British humorist Brown (The Lost Diaries) chronicles a loop of 101 remarkable celebrity meetings beginning and ending with Adolf Hitler. From the unexpected (Helen Keller and Martha Graham) to the legendary (Elvis Presley and Paul McCartney) or the strangely fitting (Groucho Marx and Charlie Chaplin), the stories unfold as succinct anecdotes, many notable for their bizarre context. Dozens of chance encounters, fast friendships, and dire rivalries are recounted in an informal yet informative manner, tying together oft-disparate threads of the 20th century through some of its most distinguished participants. With each story leading to the next (Leonard Cohen shares an elevator with Janis Joplin, who befriends Patti Smith, who had recently encountered Allen Ginsberg, and so on) it’s easy to see this as popcorn reading, but it’s impossible to stop with just one story. Brown also structures his gimmick by limiting each story to 1,001 words, though footnotes aplenty add more spice to the mix. Given the author’s origins, it’s not surprising there’s a mild bias toward European notables—some of whom might not be familiar to American audiences—however, no character is too odd nor any encounter too trivial to be included. Entertaining, enlightening, shameless, and humorous: this collection sheds light on the life and times of some strange, wonderful, and notorious personalities. Agent: Zoë Pagnamenta, Zoe Pagnamenta Agency. (Aug)

Publishers Weekly

Captivating…Glittering…Engaging…Entertaining…[Brown] has whipped up a gratifying summertime confection — funny, diverting, occasionally sad.”
—Michiko Kakutani, New York Times

“Deliciously clever and amusing…Hello Goodbye Hello is splendid company, not to mention perfect for the beach, the lake or the pool.”
—Jonathan Yardley, Washington Post

“Hello Goodbye Hello is a hilarious book, clever and thoroughly researched…dip into this book anywhere and you will be rewarded with something delightful.”
—Moira Hodgson, Wall Street Journal

“Brown’s collection of odd encounters could be titled Famous People Behaving Badly. They’re irresistible.”
—People

“Craig Brown is the wittiest writer in Britain today.”
—Stephen Fry

“The book that made me laugh most was Craig Brown’s quirky game of biographical consequences.”
—Julian Barnes, Times Literary Supplement “Books of the Year”

"Craig Brown is something of a national treasure in Britain. . . . Hello Goodbye Hello is a bravura feat of narrative engineering. . . . A joyful, fun read espsecially for its widgety, ingenious construction."
—David Kamp, Vanity Fair

From the Publisher

British satirist Brown (The Tony Years) here recounts the real-life meetings of various pairs of (mostly) famous people throughout the 20th century. Each of the 101 meetings is covered by Brown in exactly 1001 words. The pieces form a daisy chain: one of the participants in the first encounter carries over to the next encounter, meeting someone new, and so on. Some meetings are pointed: H.G. Wells's report on time spent with Stalin captured the self-deluding nature of leftist enthusiasm for the USSR in the 1930s as well as Wells's smugness in his own judgments. Some are poignant: Princess Grace advises the younger Princess Diana on living in the spotlight. President Richard Nixon gives a drug-addled Elvis a Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs special agent badge. You won't find Grand History in this volume, but it has much to say about the perils of celebrity and the oddly sociable animals we humans are. A prefatory "Note to the U.S. Edition" offers biographical notes on a dozen of the men and women who may be less well known to American readers. VERDICT This book is likely to be vastly popular. Once most readers pick it up, they won't be able to put it down.—David Keymer, Modesto, CA

Library Journal

A hilarious collection of strange-but-true tales of encounters between the rich and famous. BBC Radio Host, Daily Mail columnist and all-around English wit Brown (The Lost Diaries, 2010, etc.) delivers a fine and funny assortment of oddball celebrity meetings and matchups. Some are well-known, such as when a drug-addled Elvis Presley met Richard Nixon, or Marilyn Monroe snuggled up to visiting Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev. At least one is historically important: when Prince Felix Youssoupoff lured Grigori Rasputin to his death. Most, however, are delightfully inconsequential, whether it's Harpo Marx driving Sergei Rachmaninoff bonkers with his harp playing, Sarah Miles sharing tea with a thigh-squeezing nonagenarian named Bertrand Russell, or Leonard Cohen having a quickie with Janis Joplin (and getting a song out of it). Some encounters go off without a hitch, such as between mutual admirers Rudyard Kipling and Mark Twain. Others slightly misfire; Groucho Marx tries to impress dinner companion T.S. Eliot by quoting The Waste Land, only to find the poet "was thoroughly familiar with his poems and didn't need me to recite them." At least they talked, which is barely more than can be said for James Joyce and Marcel Proust. There are also plenty of bad dates, whether it's Madonna snatching off Michael Jackson's glasses and sailing them across the room, Isadora Duncan tempting Auguste Rodin with her perfect young body, or Allen Ginsberg making an awkward pass at Francis Bacon. Brown is as smart as he is puckish, and there are plenty of laughs on this terrific trip through modern fame.

Kirkus Reviews