Here I am: all of me

Here I am: all of me

by Niki Love

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Here I am was written for those who ask themselves: Why? Who am I? Who do I want to be? Am I worth it? This journey of self-exploration offers those seeking freedom, spiritual enlightenment and peace from within comfort and a sense of calm regarding their struggles and experiences. Niki Love Jackson-Blake expresses raw emotions regarding love, intimacy, faith,


Here I am was written for those who ask themselves: Why? Who am I? Who do I want to be? Am I worth it? This journey of self-exploration offers those seeking freedom, spiritual enlightenment and peace from within comfort and a sense of calm regarding their struggles and experiences. Niki Love Jackson-Blake expresses raw emotions regarding love, intimacy, faith, parenting, marriage and adolescence. Through the pages you can hear her cry, see her fears and feel her pain. Her struggle with self is evident and her overwhelming desire to change is constantly present. She blames no one for her circumstances and delves within to find the answers she seeks. Through poetry she stares herself in the mirror unmasked, willing to accept who she is and ask God for help. Here I am speaks to your soul and soothes your heart—it invites you to explore your own emotions and discover your true desires. This honest work of poetry seeps in to your being and compels you to reflect on self and achieving inner peace.

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Here I am

all of me
By Niki Love


Copyright © 2011 Niki Love Jackson-Blake
All right reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-4520-9515-8

Chapter One


I could have never imagined the person I would become—my personality and spiritual enlightenment; character and morals. As I take a look at myself today I am at a lost as to the decision I shall make regarding who I am.

Growing up with Allah (God) as my parents I have longed so diligently to conquer my evil and live harmoniously with myself in peace; piously living a life of humility, giving charity and abiding by Allah's (God's) law. My desire.

I would have never imagined as a young adult how hard this would be. It seemed so easy as an adolescent, turning to Allah (God) with my every feeling. Needing His approval of who I was, seeking His consent on who I would become. Tears fill me, but I do not release them as I gather my thoughts on my current situation, my current self. I feel I have lost who I was, who I wish to become; I search for who I am.


    I can't stop thinking about the past
    How things were or could have been
    The decisions I made

    I can't go back
    How do I go forward?

    I think it's about my children
    But it's also about me

    I must move on
    I cannot let the past weigh on my mind
    Only today will give me the strength to move on

    I can't help but think of the unpleasant things we've done to each
    And feel an enormous amount of regret

    I can't go back

    I must take everything within me to blossom
    Maturity, faith and determination will assist me
    Love, compassion and truth will open my eyes to reality

    I don't know my fate and I don't know tomorrow
    But I do know my heart

    My love for you will be forever,
    No matter what dies between us

    I will always be true to you in love, in word and in life

    Neither of us is perfect

    In my journey I find that to myself, and to my Allah (God) I must be

    We hope that in time we learn to mature to levels of piousness and

    Viewing this world as it is

    Knowing that to Allah (God) is our return

    I apologize for the things I have done to wrong you as well as myself
    and my children

To Forgive

How do I ask for something else?
When I have asked for so much already
How do I allow you to forgive me?
When I won't allow me to forgive myself
How do I accept that I am imperfect?
Without feeling that I have failed
How can I ask you for forgiveness and mercy?
When I sin
How do I ask you to love me and strengthen me?
When I am indifferent to myself and weak


    I'm trying to find who I am
    Why I am
    Where I am
    Where I should be
    Want to be
    Need to be

    I'm trying to find the core of my existence
    In between the time
    Of working, taking care of my family and praying to my Allah (God)

    I'm trying to understand what it is I know,
    Don't know
    Need to know
    Must know

    I'm trying to understand life and why there is so much to achieve
    So much ill that we see

    How to keep a foundation grounded with keeping things simple and
    Prayer is one thing
    Prayer, faith and love are the only things I'm sure of


I only have faith in my Allah (God)
No matter how weak I have become
I know you to be true

I'll strive hard to have my actions reflect you
To rebuild my knowledge of what I have lost
To gain your trust, faith in my heart

How could I ever express the way I love you
The way you weigh on my mind and heart
How I see you everywhere, in everything

These thoughts are for you alone
Only you will understand what is between the lines
Only you can answer my prayers and save me

The world's inhabitants are not what they should be
They are ignorant and lost
I hold on by the truth you have bestowed upon me
I am grateful

So many times I have allowed myself to be overwhelmed
Taken by dishonesty, neglect, and carelessness of others
I try to give to those in need as you command
Allah (God)
I beg of you to make me whole again

To make me feel the peace of
fajr, zhur, asr, mahgrib and isha
My connection to you

I live to see the day I shall return to your graces
I shall make you proud and pleased

Call to my heart and make me know of your mercy,
of your grace
Make me know that I have a chance to regain my proper standing
with you
Make me whole, only you can make me whole


Oh Allah (God), I find myself distracted and uneasy
I find myself a ways from you
Wishing, just wishing, I could be with you
There was a time when you were my everything
And now
And now
I wish you to be with me again

It worries me to close my eyes
To see the memories of our love
To know that it has existed
And that it is now no more

I am strongly hurt by my decrease in prayer
My heart aches silently for your return to me
It aches because I feel I have pushed you away

I call to you today with tears
I wish all my love for you is enough

My actions reflect a woman depressed
A mother, guilty
A wife bruised

You are my only
My one
My all
I feel

not that I am worthy of your ear
Of your heart
Of your love

I wish for it so greatly
In its entirety
In abundance

I fear I shall be of those who continue to go astray

I feel I have condemned myself to hell
That no mercy shall be set aside for me

Allah (God) ... I love saying Allah (God)
I have ample faith that you will rescue me
That my actions will no longer reflect a woman depressed; a mother
stressed; a wife bruised


    Oh Allah (God),

    I beg of you to let me have some release
    I have so much faith in you and it is not that I fear injustice
    In your judgment
    It is only that I fear that I will not be able to handle the pain of a
    broken heart and family
    I promise you Allah (God), I will strive my best if you keep me from
    feeling such pain
    I don't know what to ask and I don't know what is good for me
    I just know
    That I hurt
    I want to be loved, protected and supported
    I want my family to survive
    Only you are the best to provide
    I trust in you


    Dear Allah (God),

    I beg of you that my family survive and that we struggle in your cause
    That we achieve your love and guidance
    And ever hold your mercies true
    I beg of you with great fear and humiliation
    Please grant us your approval to live, die and struggle as Muslims

    I cry to you freely in the dark and wipe my tears from my eyes in the
    Longing for your support and mercy on my husband and my child

    I relentlessly hope and pray small prayers in my heart and soul
    Persistently begging you to let us find you again in Islam and make
    things right with you

    I pray,
    Oh Allah (God), provide what is best for us in this life and the life to
    Make us strong, patient and obedient
    Make us forever Muslims


    But still I have no right to be of you anymore
    If anything else
    I am slipping away
    If I can be saved
    I am asking you to strengthen me
    And help me to be strong for my family and myself

    Make my family one that bows to your will
    That stays together, strong and patient with faith

    Allah (God), help us to help ourselves
    And accept our prayers

    I know I have no right to beg of you
    Anything else
    I hope that I am still in your graces
    I come to you

    Oh Allah (God), I pray with little strength in me, have mercy on me
    I pray for my family as well
    Please have mercy on my family and grant us faith increased
    Strength and patience

    I love you Allah (God) and I need you
    My family is all I have
    Lost without You

    Not a Plea

    Hate, pain, anger
    This is not what I care to desire
    I can feel the blaze of the fire
    My flesh burns
    My soul yearns
    My heart bursts
    My soul, there is no escape
    My sins are many
    Drastic, malicious, and downright nasty

    The hurt, the rage
    It tastes not bitter
    For I am bitter
    And it sweet
    I defeat, myself I defeat

    No soul to save
    Not I to care
    I am lost
    Lost, and I dare you to find me

    You would find horror and misery
    You could not bear
    What you would find in me

    A blaze of fire is my heart and soul
    I care not, dare not heaven to go
    For I live my humble abode
    I am dead can't you see

    The blaze that surrounds me
    I am dead
    You live among a corpse
    I am a hell that roams the earth

    How Can I

    And blind

    How can I show what I feel
    When I am afraid of getting hurt
    How can I pretend that I live a happy life
    When it's all a mess
    For I am lonely
    And my heart is empty
    How can I feel what I feel
    When my heart and mind are utterly confused
    And I know not the truth of my feelings
    For I even know not
    Why I am here
    How can I see straight
    When I am blinded from the straight path
    How can I move on
    When I have not overcome my greatest obstacle
    And my fear of hurt
    For I am so, so utterly confused
    How can I truly love someone
    When I have yet to learn to love myself
    How can I believe
    When I have no faith
    For I have yet to learn
    For I know that Allah (God) is my

    Best and only turn
    How can I let go of a loved one
    When they mean so much to me
    How can I tell them how I feel
    And ask for their needed help
    When I am afraid of getting hurt
    How can I change my life
    When I have no faith
    In Him or myself
    For I am utterly confused


    I wish I was the moon
    Or the ocean
    Or even a rose

    I'm tired of being weak
    Taken for granted
    And exposed of as if I
    Was something trivial
    In one's life
    I'm hungry and I'm tired
    Of starving
    No more disrespect will
    I accept, even if for the
    Sake of peace

    I want my peace
    And I will have it
    No one, no one will take it
    Away from me ever again

    I must move on
    Leave it all behind
    I will sacrifice, and I will
    Struggle until I can feel
    The warmth and the sight
    Of the streak of light shining
    So brightly
    It may seem that I will have fallen
    But in reality it will be that I am

    Seeking Allah's (God's) face
    Facing the troubles and tribulations
    The fear and pain and frustrations

    I will cry freely
    Who gives a damn who's listening?
    I must be first in my life
    And never let anyone else intrude
    In my soul's struggle in obedience to Allah (God)
    I shall only invite one that invites
    Me into his own

    No more shall I care to pacify others
    For my life is deteriorating because
    I care to do so
    No one knows me
    To know what my life consists of
    What I consist of
    They'll say that I'm making a mistake
    Who cares what they say
    Not me
    Not anymore

    I am here to save my soul
    And yes, I will sacrifice having them in my life
    In order to do so

    Just Another Day

    A mother who sacrificed me
    For her selfish indecencies
     To lay and die from extraction of its root
    A father who died to reinstate my life
     Yet hesitant to let me live
    Siblings who I am distant from
    My heart and soul groomed in a womb of its own
    God who mothered me with
    Strength, faith and love
    A man who has given me peace by entrusting me with his heart

    Deep Thoughts

    Sinking into my emotions
    Drowning in my mind
    My heart is overflowing
    Deep thoughts take over
    In my constant life battles
    Deep thoughts
    Make me feel
    As though I'm melting away
    As I go deeper and deeper
    I find constant darkness
    And empty space bottomless deep
    Emotions struggling to find their way out

    A Revelation

    Watched over you while you were asleep this morning
    And I hurt
    And I watched her as she lay
    And I was happy
    And I watched you two together
    And I knew I was blessed
    That we could take it no more
    That I could take it no more
    We all deserve to be happy
    Allah (God) has brought us together
    Through anger and rage
    To love each other
    And help one another
    To survive, to survive
    I don't like what I see in the mirror
    When I look into my eyes
    Afraid and betrayed by myself
    Too used to the pain
    That I chase the happiness away
    No more tears to waste
    Only on tears of joy
    I have been blessed to have a chance to make my dream come true
    And survive
    Survive with the two of you
    Prayer lacked, I have allowed too, too many whispers to influence me
    My own self-destruction

    Yet again I rise with the struggle in me
    To change yet again
    And when will I change
    I cannot lose the very breath in me
    My two hearts and my soul
    I refuse to be influenced with whispers of misery

    Of deception and of destruction
    I refuse to change and relapse
    And change and relapse

    And I ask not that you help me or have faith in me
    I must have it in Allah (God), and myself that I may succeed
    Life's a struggle indeed
    I cannot lose you forever
    And see my child in pain
    She can't bear the thought of losing her father again
    And I cannot bear the thought of it at my hands

    And here I stand, alone
    Looking at myself
    I will bow down to my Lord today and pray


    Allah (God), my life, lead me the way
    Save me once more from my selfish
    Indecencies and negligence
    I beg once more that you send your favor my way
    That I give myself to you
    And you help me each day
    I don't want to fail
    Patience, I understand
    Guide me, love me, and take my hand
    I stand before you today
    In tears and pain of love for you, fear in you and faith in you
    I bow with humility, asking you to make me whole again
    That you make me a wife and a mother that they can depend on
    For everything they need
    I pray for what is best, your mercy
    Your guidance and your blessing

    Thanks for Everything

    Thank you for everything. My life has been what it is because of you
    I wish I did not hold so much anger
    Why is it so easy for me to be gentle with ones feelings other than my
    No one closer to me than him
    And even though it tears me apart
    That pain of hurting him does not seem to keep me from doing so
    I can see the anguish in his face
    His tormented appearance tells no lies
    Out of control
    The key, I hold
    His misery I bestow
    He thinks, maybe believes that I do not love him
    He is galaxies from the truth
    My love for him, is the only reason why I see what I do
    It isn't easy knowing that his misery is created by my hand
    Knowing, but not knowing how to take it away
    My own misery I have granted
    Thinking, practicing what to do
    When the time comes I fail to pursue
    Increasing the amount of pain and shortening my length of time
    No longer
    No longer
    Excuses fail me
    My pride betrays me
    My heart cries out to me
    No longer
    No longer

    My husband can't look at me
    I can't look away
    I think many times to myself
    Why, why
    Is it a childhood unresolved issue—true
    But I ask myself why do I get so angry
    No control over my life
    No control over anything
    I get taunting headaches
    I need him so much
    I love him so much
    He is not my enemy
    I—I am my enemy
    I really can't explain why being upset is like
    Inviting shatan (devil)
    I have no control—my anger is explosive
    My patience, even though it exists, is dreadfully short
    I know what to do—I need to let go—let go and let Allah (God)
    I think my behavior, although I have tried so many years to be unlike him
    I have somehow imitated him
    I have always been the closest to him
    Betrayed by his emotions
    A connection I refused to see
    Not easy to atone for
    Not easy to deny
    Making up for the past will not be easy
    Safeguarding our future will be crucial

    In writing and thinking
    I take steps to analyze myself and understand
    How I prepared this distasteful and uninviting bed
    I amaze myself at how selfish and impatient I have been
    To bring my husband to such a lowly state
    That everyday he thinks of reasons to stay

    And prays for strength to go on
    I see it all

    And I tell myself it will be okay
    But not today

    Today I know that nothing will or should keep him from seeking
    From rejoicing and laughing and knowing that at the end of the day
    That everything will be alright

    That having a family will uplift him and support him
    Feeling that his feelings matter
    And knowing that I am there no matter where he is

    I can't let you feel this way
    My love for you is real and great
    You are my blessing
    I live because of you and survive because you exist
    You are my everything and all that I shall ever want
    Loving you and pleasuring you is my heart's desire


Excerpted from Here I am by Niki Love Copyright © 2011 by Niki Love Jackson-Blake. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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