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Here's Your Sign!
By Bill Engvall
Rutledge Hill PressCopyright © 2007 Bill Engvall
All right reserved.
Chapter OneI'M STUPID
We were having a small earthquake the other day and my wife asked, "Is this an earthquake?" I said, "Nope. I just put a quarter in the vibrating house machine."
As I was lying on the beach in Hawaii, I heard a man a couple of yards away say to his wife, "You know, for all the tourists here, you don't see a lot of out-of-state license plates." I didn't have to say anything. I just handed him a Stupid sign.
My wife and I had just parked our car and were walking into a hotel for a New Year's Eve party when the doorman asked, "Are you going to celebrate the new year?" I said, "No, we're going to attend a wake for the old year."
When my wife was expecting our first child, a woman walked up to her and asked, "Oh, are you pregnant?" My wife said, "No, I'm practicing to smuggle basketballs into Cuba."
I took my family on a trip in an RV to Las Vegas, where it was 120 degrees. The guard at the RV park asked, "Will you be using your air conditioner?" I said, "No, ma'am, we just drove in from the face of the sun and we're trying to acclimate ourselves."
My wife and I were shopping in a department store and I had three pairs of pants on my arm. The salesperson asked, "Do you want to try those on?" I said, "No, I'm just trying to keep my arm warm."
I was taking a deer to the taxidermist when a lady looked in the back of my truck and asked, "Did you shoot that deer?" I said, "Nope. He hopped in the back of the truck, handed me a note, and killed himself."
I drove out to the lake near where we live and was walking down the dock holding a fishing pole. A guy asked me, "Are you going fishing?" I said, "Nope. I'm taking the worms waterskiing."
I was at a parachuting school the other day walking around with a parachute on my back. A guy asked me, "Are you going to jump out of a plane?" I said, "No, I wear this when I walk because it helps me to slow down."
Last winter my kids and I were making a snowman in the front yard. A woman walked by and asked, "Are you going to build a snowman?" I said, "No, we're just rolling snow off the yard."
When I was at the vet's the other day, I overheard the doctor tell a woman, "Give your dog one pill twice a day." She looked puzzled and asked, "How do I give her the same pill twice?"
I was sitting in the exit row on a plane to Seattle. The man across the aisle recognized me and asked, "Are you going to Seattle?" I said, "Nope. I'm going to San Francisco. I'll be parachuting out in about an hour."
"Dad, What Is Sex?"
When my daughter was at the age where she was just starting to figure stuff out-about eight or nine-she was usually polite enough to leave us out of her wonderings. But occasionally, she came and asked a question. One day, just after breakfast, she came into the kitchen and asked, "Dad, what is sex?"
After I spit coffee all over the counter, I had to peel my wife off the ceiling. She kept saying, "I told you she saw us! I told you so!"
While our little girl was looking at her mother trying to figure out why she was so upset, I lovingly put my hand on her head and asked, "Where did you hear about this?"
She said, "Daddy, my friend at school said that sex is when a man and a woman kiss and then wrestle around."
I figure it all depends on how well you wrestle, but that definition was as good as any I'd heard from a nine-year-old. And I told her so.
My wife took off her swimsuit after we had spent a day at the beach and I said, "Wow, you sure got sunburned!" She answered, "Wrong! I didn't get sunburned. I just got my butt bleached."
I was on my way to play tennis the other day and a guy asked me, "Is that your tennis racquet?" I said, "No, it's a can't-miss flyswatter."
When I was flying to Hawaii, we hit some turbulence at 35,000 feet. The man next to me looked out his window. "What was that?" he asked, clearly worried. I said, "Oh my goodness, we just hit a dog!"
I was spraying an insecticide on the flowers in our backyard and my neighbor asked, "Are you killing bugs?" I said, "No, I'm just trying to get them drunk and hope they drive home."
The other day my wife and I were watching TV and she said, "You know, you never see the pope with his wife." I said, "That's because she stays at home putting sequins on his hats and robes. Besides, she has to take care of his kids."
The other day I was cutting the grass in the front yard when a friend dropped by and asked, "Mowing the yard?" "No," I said. "I'm just running oil through the lawn mower."
The other day my friend and I were standing on the street corner when the cops dragged this guy out of a store in a headlock and handcuffs. My friend asked, "Do you think they are taking him to jail?" "No," I said. "He's an escape artist and they want to see how long it takes him to get free."
Have you ever had someone call your house and when you answer the phone they ask, "Are you home?" Just say, "Nope. I'm on Mars and had my calls forwarded."
Last year when my wife and I were going home for Thanksgiving, a man pulled up next to us at a stoplight with a dead deer on the hood of his car. My wife looked at me. "Do you think he's been hunting?" "No," I said. "They give away a deer with the purchase of every Jeep."
I cut my finger really badly the other day and went to the emergency room with a rag wrapped around my hand. The nurse looked at it and asked, "Did you cut yourself?" "Nope," I said. "I'm here to donate blood and I hate needles."
The other day we were setting up tables in our yard and putting out old furniture labeled with prices. My neighbor came over and asked, "Hey, are you having a yard sale?" I said, "No, we thought we would furnish the front yard and try renting it out for a while."
I was in the park flying a kite with my son. A guy walked up to us and asked, "Y'all flying a kite?" I said, "No, we're fishing for birds."
When you are a parent, you need to be able to expertly handle situations you could never plan for. One night, for example, my two kids were taking a bath when I heard this bloodcurdling scream. It looked like someone had shot my daughter out of the tub from a cannon. Before I could even ask her what the problem was, I saw the problem floating in the bathwater. And while my daughter was screaming and running around like someone had just thrown sulfuric acid on her, my son, proud of his accomplishment, wanted to stay in the tub and play with his turd.
"Look, Daddy! Big boat!" he giggled as it floated around.
When I tried to get him out of the tub, he got all upset because he didn't understand why he couldn't stay in there and play with the "boat." Finally, after much calm and rational discussion, I got him out of the tub. It was then I faced one of those interesting parenting dilemmas that no one ever tells you about. I had to figure out whether to drain the tube first or capture the "treasure" as it floated around in the bathwater.
If this ever happens to you, the answer is to drain the tub first. I know. I've tried it both ways.
Excerpted from Here's Your Sign! by Bill Engvall Copyright © 2007 by Bill Engvall. Excerpted by permission.
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