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The Extraordinary Adventures of Ordinary Boy, Book 1: The Hero Revealed
By William Boniface
HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. Copyright © 2006 William Boniface
All right reserved.
The Cavities of Doom
The Amazing Indestructo sniffed the air as if he could actually smell the odor of evil wafting through the skies of Superopolis. His head tilted one way -- and paused -- and then the other, revealing both of his perfect profiles. Then the rocket pack on his back burst into life, and he shot into the air like a pillar of fire.
He was only airborne for a matter of seconds before he spotted his quarry. The Brain-Drain Blimp! It looked almost peaceful as it hovered silently above the rooftops of Superopolis's warehouse district. But the Amazing Indestructo wasn't fooled by its pleasingly puffy shape. He knew evil lurked on board. And sure enough, as he watched, the blimp landed and Professor Brain-Drain's minions began unloading hundreds of cases of pilfered property. The Amazing Indestructo spoke into his wrist walkie-talkie.
"Attention, members of the League of Ultimate Goodness," he announced. "I have discovered where Brain-Drain is hiding the stolen tubes of McCavity's Ultra-Paste Tooth Whitener. I'm going in after him."
He turned and looked right into the camera as he said this and flashed his own perfectly white teeth. A moment later, the scene cut toa commercial.
Wow! I thought to myself. What I wouldn't give to be soaring through the air with Superopolis's greatest hero. Instead, I had to settle for sitting on the couch on a Saturday morning in my Amazing Indestructo pajamas, watching The Amazing Adventures of the Amazing Indestructo (and the League of Ultimate Goodness). And, no, there isn't anything wrong with my typing. That's about the size of the credit that the rest of the league usually gets.
This morning's episode was a new one. In it, Al (that's what we real fans call him for short) was trying to save Superopolis from his greatest enemy, Professor Brain-Drain, who had stolen the city's entire supply of toothpaste.
Brain-Drain is always trying to either take over or destroy Superopolis. He seems to change his mind from week to week as to which one he would rather do. In this week's episode the Professor had so far succeeded with his plan, and everyone's teeth had started to rot away. Everyone's except the Amazing Indestructo's, of course!
As in most episodes, the other members of the League of Ultimate Goodness were helpless (this time because of loose teeth and really bad breath). There are currently ten of them, but usually only five appear in an episode. They always try to help and as the show returned, that's exactly what they were doing.
"The Amazing Indestructo needs us," announced the Crimson Creampuff. "We have to hurry to his aid."
"Whoo-wee! Shurin' if yer breath ain't enough to bring down a whole heap o' bad guys," said Whistlin' Dixie. "And ma two front choppers are wigglin' so fierce I ken barely whistle in tune. I say we go help round up the varmint what done this!"
"Why bother?" groaned Major Bummer. "We've all got to go sometime. It might as well be from halitosis."
This was pretty typical of Major Bummer. He was always depressed and gloomy. I suppose that's how he got his name -- although it might also have something to do with his really big butt.
"I could try tunneling my way there," proposed the Moleman, "except my molars are killing me."
"I can immobilize the Professor with my coils of spaghetti," proclaimed Spaghetti Man. The truth is, a ninety-year-old grandmother could break out of the limp noodles he produces from his fingertips.
"That's the attitude, leaguers," said the Crimson Creampuff as he slammed a fist into his hand and then winced in pain. "The Amazing Indestructo needs us and it's time for us to come to his aid!"
Meanwhile, Al had decided to storm Professor Brain-Drain's secret hideout single-handedly. Without hesitation he zoomed straight to the top of the building where the Brain-Drain Blimp was tethered. He crashed through the roof and came face-to-face with his greatest enemy.
"You fiend," he said, as he stood amidst the smoke and dust. "Your plot to deny the people of Superopolis the whitening advantage of McCavity's Ultra-Paste Tooth Whitener is at an end."
And there, standing calmly amid thousands of cases of McCavity's toothpaste, was that supervillain of all supervillains, Professor Brain-Drain -- or at least the actor who played him. All the other characters on the show play themselves, but Professor Brain-Drain is always an actor. The funny thing is it never seems to be the same actor. Last week's Brain-Drain had a high-pitched voice. The one before that actually had some hair. This newest one, I noticed, had a big mole on his nose.
I grabbed my copy of the Li'l Hero's Handbook and quickly flipped to the entry on Professor Brain-Drain.
The picture was of a man significantly older than the guy on TV, and there was definitely no mole on his nose. Well, if he's retired, I guess it made sense that he doesn't play himself. Of course, his tendency to drain people's intelligence and be superevil may have been a factor as well. I set the handbook back down just as the actor playing the Professor began to speak.
"Ah, the Amazing Indestructo." The egghead of evil chortled. (This was the first Brain-Drain who chortled -- most of them cackled.) "I expected you would be coming."
"Your vile plan will never work," responded Al. "I'm here to see that Superopolis will once again experience the amazing benefits of McCavity's Ultra-Paste."
"On the contrary," Professor Brain-Drain corrected. "Without access to McCavity's, the people of Superopolis will soon see their teeth rotting and falling out of their mouths. With no teeth, they won't be able to eat. In their starved, weakened states, it will be easy for me to drain the intelligence from every citizen of Superopolis, absorbing it all into my own brain. I'll become a supergenius!"
How incredibly evil! I was so horrified by Brain-Drain's nasty plot that I ignored . . .
Excerpted from The Extraordinary Adventures of Ordinary Boy, Book 1: The Hero Revealed by William Boniface Copyright © 2006 by William Boniface. Excerpted by permission.
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