He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships

Only part of the solution

I highly recommend this book and wish it had been suggested to us much sooner. In my experience I did have to finally walk away. Thank God my "commitment-phobic" boyfriend of several years continued to meet with a counselor even after I left (he had agreed to meet together prior to my leaving but continued making hurtful choices). After our break up he continued the counseling and the counselor had him read this book which was like turning on a light. My boyfriend is now my loving and devoted husband and father to our infant son. I think it took an extreme amount of prayer, a desire on both our parts to stop destructive patterns (for me it was recognizing my worth and being willing to walk away) and the support of an experienced, knowledgeable counselor. The book was invaluable but it is only a part of the healing process.

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

Best book ever!

Well I started wondering why I kept picking the jerks out there. Well it just wasnt them who was the problem. I have commitment issues myself! I knew when I met this great guy that suddenly things were drama free and easy...I freaked out, tried to talk myself out of dating this guy. I am lucky to have dated such jerks that I realized THIS GUY IS GREAT what is wrong with me. Well to all the women out there, you could be the problem too. If you are attracted to the unavailable men who go from hot to cold in front of your eyes, read this book! Your behavior could be enabling theirs. Great book, great read, I think this book saved my relationship with a wonderful man.

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

Incredible, informative book

I just read this book after trying to unsuccessfully figure out why my boyfriend suddenly freaked out and left me, talking about marriage as if it was a death sentence. I now realize the problem was not me - but his inability to commit. This book opened my eyes and is really helping me learn how to spot these types of men and run screaming for the hills before you get in too deep.

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

This Book Saved My Sanity

This book should actually have me and my ex-partner's names in the title. He's a classic, typical commitmentphobe, and I became a classic, typical passive partner of same. This book has our entire relationship mapped out, from his pursuit of me, the things he said, the promises made, plans for the future. And then he began to withdraw, taking away things one by one until there was nothing left but my bewilderment, confusion, pain, and the feeling that this was my fault. This book has brought me a huge amount of relief and most importantly, closure; the final two appendices are excellent in how to recover from a relationship such as this, and in giving you the commitment to yourself to sever all connections to the person, and the strength not to get sucked into it again. I can't recommend it highly enough for those people who are still reeling and wondering what the heck happened.

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

This one helped me through some tough times

Just when you think everything is perfect, BAM! The love of your life leaves! Why? It's not all your fault. Read this book and find out why people turn tail and run when things are getting serious. It'll help you to understand and get over it.

1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED - The most life-changing book i've read to date

This book is amazing. It goes beyond explaining how one's fears of commitment impact relationships by demonstrating how they manifest in virtually every sphere of life, including one's (in)ability to make eemingly mundane choices (what restaurant to go to, what outfit to wear, what to order, where to go on vacation) and one's tendency to either consistently job-hop or pick a job that allows utmost flexibility in how and when work is done. In terms of relationships, Sokol and Carter do a remarkable job explaining the many ways a fear of commitment may effect partner choices and behaviors at different stages of a relationship. They describe how depending on the individual, one's fear of commitment tends to primarily manifest itself in either "active" or "passive" behavioral patterns. In addition to describing their different characteristics, the book details pattern-specific methods for recognizing, combatting, and preventing the detrimental effects of one's fear of commitment. It also explains how those patterns generally tend to differ between men and women. Indeed, the book contains explanations and suggestions for ALL individuals - male, female, single, divorced, married, young, old, etc. In doing so, Sokol and Carter regularly use real-life examples from a diverse range of individuals, which demonstrate the various ways that a fear of commitment may impact perceptions, decisions and behaviors. Finally, the book concludes with detailed - yet clear and realistic - advice regarding how to recognize and prevent detrimental decision-making as a result of one's fears. When I bought this book, I was quite certain that I had some commitment issues. However, until I read it, I never realized nearly how deep my fears of commitment are nor how their effect significantly transcends my romantic relationships. I was astonished by how well this book described many decisions, behaviors and thought-processes that I have experienced. It felt as though I was reading my own biography but for the first time, I was understanding all of the reasons underlying my experiences. As a result, I couldn't put the book down once I started. I read all 300-something pages within 12 hours, and I plan to regularly reread relevant sections when faced with fear-provoking situations to ensure that I recognize their latent effects before they result in detrimental decision-making. All in all, it is one of the most insightful and informative books I have ever read and a must-read for all regardless of gender, age or marital status.

Opened My Eyes

I HIGHLY recommend this book. I just finished it yesterday & my head is still spinning - and I am seeing my past in a whole new light. It really opened my eyes to the dynamics of commitment-phobic relationships. In fact, it could've been written about every relationship I've ever been in (unfortunately). I've been on both sides of the coin - sometimes the one with passive conflicts & at times with active conflicts depending on who was more commitment-phobic, myself or my partner. This book was dead-on in regards to my feelings & actions on both sides. I feel like I understand myself & my ex-partners so much better. THANK YOU to the authors for doing the research & writing such an informative book. I now can recognize feelings that stem from my fear of commitment & intend on making better choices. Hopefully someday I will overcome this destructive pattern and be able to create a healthy, loving relationship.

Excellent

I bought myself and the commitmentphobic a copy of this book just as I was trying to end the relationship with him. I told him I learned a lot from this book, I hope it helps him with his next one because I was done. I found so much useful information. I loved the questions and exercises. When it got to the end I did exactly what the book suggested and I made a CLEAN break. I refused any contact with this person and I feel so much better by not hearing from him. I don't think I could have gotten through the hardest time in my life if I hadn't read this book. I am headed to a store now to buy two more copies for some other needy folks.

A commitmentpobic person

This was one of the best books that I have read and I am pretty pessimistic about these types of books. I realized that I have commitment issues that the book brought to light. I felt like they were describing me.I am now recognizing the problems and am trying to work on them.

Well Written and Informative

Although the writers are journalists, they are not lacking in skill. With keen observance, they have compiled and analyzed story after story of 'commitmentphobic' relationships. Their work is presented in competent clarity. It serves to warn the reader about the unhealthy attributes of a relationship . . . and encourages the reader to seek professional counseling if necessary. Overall, this is an excellent read.

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