Horrorscopes: Exorcise the Monsters Within and Unleash the Scary Side of Your Sun Sign [NOOK Book]

Overview

Everyone knows their astrological sign, but how many of us know what monsters lurk within the zodiac? You may have your suspicions: the glowing red eyes after a night on the town, an irresistible attraction to a white neck, a few lost days every month, a feeling of supernatural superiority, but what you probably don't know is that your star sign influences your evil incarnation of choice.

Let Horrorscopes explain why you are what you...
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Horrorscopes: Exorcise the Monsters Within and Unleash the Scary Side of Your Sun Sign

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Overview

Everyone knows their astrological sign, but how many of us know what monsters lurk within the zodiac? You may have your suspicions: the glowing red eyes after a night on the town, an irresistible attraction to a white neck, a few lost days every month, a feeling of supernatural superiority, but what you probably don't know is that your star sign influences your evil incarnation of choice.

Let Horrorscopes explain why you are what you are, how your ruling planet forces you into evil ways, how your rising sign can mask your true monstrous reality, what you would do on a really bad day, and how you can fight your evil twin and exorcise your monster within—that is, if you really want to.

Bestselling author Stella Hyde reveals the dark side of the 12 sun signs, from Aries the Fire Demon to Pisces the Sea Wolf. For each sign the Jekyll and Hyde traits are revealed along with aspects like “Your Deadliest Sin” and how your monstrous side manifests itself at work, at home and at play.

Horrorscopes is something new under the astrology sun—fun and a bit scary! 
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781609259648
  • Publisher: Red Wheel/Weiser
  • Publication date: 9/1/2014
  • Sold by: Barnes & Noble
  • Format: eBook
  • Pages: 112
  • Sales rank: 646,650
  • File size: 7 MB

Meet the Author

Stella Hyde is the author of Darkside Zodiac, Darkside Zodiac at Work, and Darkside Zodiac in Love all published by Weiser Books. She is also a grudge-bearing Cancer who resides in England and thinks everyone should embrace their evil twin. 
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Read an Excerpt

Horrorscopes

Exorcise the monsters within and unleash the scary side of your sun sign


By Stella Hyde, Mathilda Mitchell, Tabitha Bell

Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC

Copyright © 2014 Paperwasp
All rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-60925-964-8



CHAPTER 1

ARIES

Aries the Ram • March 21–April 20 • Cardinal Fire Sign • Positive Sign • Ruled by: Mars


You Jekyll ...

On the outside you are a mild-mannered Ram with friends and family, a normal life, a job, blameless hobbies, a few endearingly annoying little ways, but basically one of nature's white sheep. Well, to be accurate, as an Aries you aren't all that mild-mannered, and long-suffering friends and family may have something to say about your little ways, but wotthehell, you get stuff done.

Aries is the leader of the zodiac pack, the first sign—raw, unsocialized, invigorating, unstoppable ego, never at home to the Lord of Despair. Ruled by the element of Fire, and the planet Mars, you are, at your best, the stuff from which heroes are hewn.


... you Hyde

Everybody knows how heroes can flip to the dark side in an instant, and become their own evil twin. Look what happened when Superman went bad. In your case, Aries, what happens is that your focused energy plus an awesome lack of self-doubt, a pathological drive to be in charge, and a very short fuse come together and propel you from hero to despot in one superbound. You are the zodiac's two-year old, and on a bad day, its sadistic bully (albeit a rather predictable one because sophistication isn't your thing). Your accessory of choice is a chainsaw even if you aren't from Texas. The blood and guts you spill are not always your own.


WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU?

Aries: the Demon Firestarter

You are a Cardinal Fire sign. Of all the zodiacal elemental/energy combos, this is the no-brainer. Cardinal signs lead, which in a good way is a great relief to the rest of us, but on the monstrous side means heading straight for the hellmouth and taking the rest of us with them. Familiar? Cardinal signs are the quintessence of their element. In Aries' case, this is fire, uncomplicated stuff that is either on or off, good or bad, and can toggle from either state in a nanosecond.

So it's no surprise that the Aries monster of choice is the Demon, the spawn of hellfire. (Although, of course, you would not accept it was choice, as that would imply some sort of responsibility.) A straightforward fallen (or pushed) angel who meant well at the time, but somehow it all went wrong, although you have forgotten how, because you don't do detail. Demons come in all shapes and sizes, and as an enthusiastic multitasker with a very short attention span, you have probably channeled every one of them. Sometimes, it's enough just to be adorably impish, and other times you can come on as the Lord of the Pit, with extra stench. As long as fire is involved, actually or metaphorically, you aren't fussy.

Far from feeling shame, remorse, existential despair, or railing against the Supreme Being, Manifest Destiny, or your heartbreaking trailer park childhood for your behavior, you just don't notice. Introspection is not your strong suit. Neither would you claim to have been possessed and therefore unblameable for your demonic excess. You do what you do—scraping out eyeballs with a spoon, hurling victims into the pit of ordure, turning people inside out, etc.—but, you shrug, that's what Demons do.


So how do you manifest?

You usually look just like yourself, only bigger and redder, although it sometimes feels as if you've grown an extra head. (You have more than enough energy to effect spectacular transformations if you wanted to—black scales, breath of fire, etc.—but it seems unnecessary finessing as far as you are concerned.) Demons are normally summoned, but any Aries worth his or her pitchfork won't wait around for all that black candles and badly drawn runes tedium; plus you don't appreciate being at anyone's beck and call. You go when you want to. As your demon dial is superglued to 11, and you aren't that good at judging the moment (your moment is the perpetual NOW!) you often fail to match the demonic manifestation with the circumstances, get it wrong and devastate a couple of continents over who moved your cheese, but go no further than a fiendish cackle when you get your pink slip. However, as you aren't the Demon of Consistency, no one can ever tell when and how you are going to spring from your pit to terrorize us. You like it like that.

[For other demons in the zodiac see Leo and Sagittarius]


Other Evil Influences

YOU AREN'T JUST A STRAIGHT DOWN THE LINE DEMON; HOW YOU EXPRESS YOUR DEMONIC SIDE IS INFLUENCED BY OTHER ZODIACAL HAPPENINGS: YOUR RULING PLANET, WHERE YOUR MOON IS LURKING, AND WHAT SIGN WAS OOZING OVER THE EASTERN HORIZON AT THE TIME OF YOUR BIRTH.


Bad moon

Your Moon expresses the Inner You. In your case, Aries, there isn't much of an Inner You. Bigger monsters trying to turn you inside out are in for a disappointment. Demons may come from another dimension, but they don't have many themselves. Your Moon can be placed in any of the zodiac houses when you are born and modify your monster (although not in a good way, of course). Here's how it affects the Aries Demon:

MOON IN ARIESThe demon's Demon; unadulterated full-fat "demontude."

MOON IN TAURUSA greedy vampiric Demon; sucks blood, makes sausages out of it.

MOON IN GEMININaughty shapeshifting Demon, light on its claws, can disappear at will.

MOON IN CANCERPassive-aggressive Demon—always late when summoned, but always brings hot cakes.

MOON IN LEOSpectacular Demon with extra flame-throwing capacity and an agent to deal with all that tedious summoning business.

MOON IN VIRGOThe Demon that has turned nagging into Geneva-convention busting torture, but who cleans up after itself.

MOON IN LIBRAIndolent Demon, will only get out of bed to terrify A-list celebs.

MOON IN SCORPIOIncubus. Or Succubus.

MOON IN SAGITTARIUSClumsy and tactless Demon, always knocking over black altars and scuffing out pentacles by mistake.

MOON IN CAPRICORNThe Demon that invoices for its services and will only work with CEOs of financial institutions.

MOON IN AQUARIUSGroovy Demon with a great line in snappy one-liners; once appeared in Buffy the Vampire Slayer and has never really got over it.

MOON IN PISCESThe Demon name-checked in the demon drink.


How does your planet bring out your demon?

It fuels your demonic fury, generating an unending supply of raw rage. Aries is ruled by Mars—planet thug. It glowers in the night sky, like an angry red eyeball in the socket of an obsidian skull (poetic, eh?). Named for the Roman god of war and destruction (Aries likes the obvious) it even has two demonic moons called Phobos and Deimos, aka fear and loathing. And it's hot: a demon's home away from home.


What's that coming over the hill?

The sign rising over the eastern horizon when you were spawned represents your public persona; in this case, this means what kind of Demon you might look like when possessed, or how you would secretly like to manifest in the real world if only you could.

ARIES RISINGFlaming hair, flaming eyes, flaming lips ... a Fire Demon with extra propellant.

TAURUS RISINGHewn from solid well-barbecued beef, thick neck, blood-red eyes; I'm thinking minotaur.

GEMINI RISINGA flickering two-headed Demon with eight limbs, two pairs of crimson tinted shades, and forked but silvery tongues.

CANCER RISINGDemon almost entirely fireproofed by heavy armor plating made of chiton and mom's bad-apple pie; scarlet beads for eyes.

LEO RISINGEnormous, devilishly hot Demon with a hide of emeralds, eyes of molten red gold, and diamonds on the soles of its hooves.

VIRGO RISINGPink-eyed Demon with the thermostat on low; leaves nothing but an over-organized sock drawer and a trail of Clorox when it dematerializes.

LIBRA RISINGSmoldering elegant Demon, made from mirrored bronze, with ruby eyes and a flamethrower in a Gucci case.

SCORPIO RISINGAll-black demon made of flint and consumed by its own heat, with nothing at all where the red eyes usually are.

SAGITTARIUS RISINGFlaming nightmare of a Demon, covered in self-inflicted scorchmarks; rolling red eyes, and heavy on the teeth.

CAPRICORN RISINGProper old-school traditional Fire Demon: red eyes, horns, tail, cloven hooves, toasting fork.

AQUARIUS RISINGCyberdemon, incandescent with an LED flame-display and infrared visual scanning devices.

PISCES RISINGDamp, steamy Demon, with smoke damage and a slight stench of kerosene; bloodshot eyes; oozes a lot.


Living with your monster

Living with your monster is a daily challenge in every scenario. Here are the answers to some Aries FAQs.


What triggers your monster?

It's hard to say with Aries, but anything can set you off: too much detail, paperwork, instructions, not being allowed to do exactly what you want, idiots not doing what you tell them ... what traditionally happens is that you roar, lay waste with words, curses, threats, fists, whatever weapon is on hand (fire and the sword if they are available), and in the very worst case, a tank. It's a very short rage, and you rarely remember it, but the rest of us have the afterburn to prove it.


How does your demon do in love?

Sometimes passionate rage can be attractive and flattering. Why do you think the demon lover is such a literary trope, huh? But full-on, all-day Heathcliff can be very wearing for all concerned. As you are always in love, often for several hours at a time, demonic rage may be engendered by the beloved object (a) ignoring you, (b) nagging you (that is, they have an opinion not your own), (c) having a headache, (d) not buying you a gift, (e) buying you gift but not what you wanted, (f) wanting a quiet night in. If you are an Aries male, women want to reform you and exorcise your demon; if you are an Aries female, men want to tame you. You'll have none of that; your demon remains free, you just change partners.


What does your demon do at work?

You did not put Extreme Volatility on your resume, but it's your core strength. Anything can trigger the workday demon; just being at work, for a start: having to do the same thing that you did yesterday, again; being told what to do; instructions; a critique of your Mission Statement (Kill!). Even Aries has to eat, so unless you are happily employed as a lion tamer, oil rigger, red arrow pilot, fire fighter, horror movie background artiste, hedge fund maverick, etc. and paid to have demonic periods, you have to channel it through cubicle wars, office Olympics, ritual defenestration of office hardware, and the occasional melt down in the stationery cupboard.


How do you tame your monster?

As you don't think your behavior is in any way outré, it takes a time to work out why you would want to. After all, you are simply being justifiably outraged—it's all over (sometimes literally) in seconds; it seems hardly worth bothering. But if circumstances mean you really, really have to curb your inner demon, physical expression is the way forward. Find something inanimate to bash (maybe invest in an anvil?). If you're in the office, wind down with a session or two on Assassin's Creed, even if it's in the middle of the Annual General Meeting (AGM). At the very least carry a pillow or a towel to scream into: I know you don't see why you should, but it's a condition of your Restraining Order.


GETTING PROTECTION

What can the rest of us do to shield ourselves from the fallout? Traditionally, Demons are repelled by salt, holy water, and iron, or contained in a pentacle. I am not sure the iron works with you, as Aries loves hot metal far too much. Holy water is not always on hand. So I would go for the salt. It might not always be practical to throw salt at you (especially as you love a food fight) so maybe we go the more figurative route and simply take everything you do and say with a pinch or six of salt, and pretend that it didn't happen. While you're in full rage mode, the rest of us can draw a quick pentacle—not to contain you, but to stand in ourselves until it's all over.


TAURUS

Taurus the Bull • April 21–May 21 • Fixed Earth Sign • Negative Sign • Ruled by: Venus


You Jekyll ...

The world looks at you and sees a handsome charmer: hardworking, sleek, successful, a calm connoisseur of life's finer things (art, wine, food, chocolate, money, real estate), a teensy bit fixed in your ways, maybe, and perhaps a tad thick around the neck, but an asset to family and society. They call you down to earth; you are flattered.

Taurus is the second sign of the zodiac (you like to plow a ready-made furrow), the reliable henchperson, ruled by the sensible element, Earth, and Venus, the planet if harmony. At your most serene and gracious, you are a fixed, dependable feature in the chaotic landscape of other peoples' lives, unafflicted by self-doubt or too vivid an imagination, a rock in the zodiac's troubled sea.


... you Hyde

The trouble with a rock is that it stands opposite a hard place, handily positioned to grind the rest of us into chopped liver. A lifetime of being The Reliable One convinces you that the only way to do anything is your way. Anyone who deviates from Right Thinking risks confrontation with half a ton of angry pot-roast. Your appreciation of fine things segues seamlessly into an obsession with the possession of them—people, stuff, countries ... you move slowly, Taurus, but the path from endearing, restful certainty to implacable intransigence is a short one and anyone standing in the way, even if they twirl a red cape, and everything gets trampled into the mud.


WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU?

Taurus: Count Dracula

You are a Fixed Earth sign. Earth is the element that changes so slowly that to those of us with mayfly-grade attention spans, it appears to stay exactly the same. It may seem that Earth is already as fixed as you can get, and yet you, Taurus, somehow make it feel even fixed-er. Fixed signs do what they say on the label (very Fixed sign of them) and skewer their elements, establishing strongholds, building barriers, marking boundaries, keeping to the Way. On the sunny side of the street, this is a Good Thing: who doesn't love a structure to rail against/pull down? On the monstrous side it sees us covered in dust, trapped for eternity in the ruined castle/doorless dungeon/cold, cold crypt.

Earth. Enclosed space. Implacable desire. A fixation on white throats. (Taurus rules the throat.) Taurus does not do unexpected, so what else could your monster be but a vampire? As you are traditional and like to follow set precedents, not an amber-eyed lightweight of the Twilight kind, you model yourself on Bram Stoker's Count: a class act with his own castle who spends half his life in a bespoke Earth-packed coffin. A monster of regular habits (the villagers knew when to hide their buxom daughters and put out a tourist instead); focused on regular meals. He wears a cape, and you bulls know about the Thing with the Cape.

Do you try to hide your vampire? Live a double life? Of course not; that would mean duplicity, which requires imagination. Anyway, you reason, what's so bad about vampires? Strong, tenacious, powerful, sexy, with an ability to lay their fangs on the important things: food, property, wealth. And routine? If it's dark, you're the bat; in the daylight you're the bull.


So how do you manifest?

Very slowly, but inexorably. The room goes quiet as the light and air is slowly sucked out of it; well, that's what it feels like to the rest of us. The veins on your neck knot and throb as you stand very still, generating a beefy forcefield. Even though you don't actually get any bigger, the seams on your Armani suit start straining and popping as you slowly bulk up. Your forehead glows red in the spots where there would be horns. Snorting may occur. Your pupils iris into pinpricks as you focus on the object of your rage. Traditionally vampires can fly—you have never managed that (aerodynamics are against you on this one) but the pawing of the ground indicates a relic-brain attempt at take off. There may be rampaging as your outer bull wrestles with your inner bat. (Real vampire bats feed on cattle; you can't tell me that there hasn't been some kind of morphic crossover somewhere down the line.) And just when it seems you have calmed down, you come back from the dead and gore your tormentors in the neck, probably metaphorically.

[For other vampires in the zodiac see Virgo and Capricorn]


Other Evil Influences

However hard you work at it, you are not simply a Stoker clone; how you express your vampire style is influenced by other zodiacal happenings: your ruling planet, where your Moon is lurking, and what sign was oozing over the eastern horizon at the time of your birth.


(Continues...)

Excerpted from Horrorscopes by Stella Hyde, Mathilda Mitchell, Tabitha Bell. Copyright © 2014 Paperwasp. Excerpted by permission of Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Table of Contents

Contents

Intro,
The Monster Element,
Know your monsters: demons, vampires, ghosts, or werewolves,
Aries,
The Demon Firestarter,
Taurus,
Count Dracula,
Gemini,
Poltergeist,
Cancer,
Weremom,
Leo,
Demon King,
Virgo,
Bride of Dracula,
Libra,
Ghost,
Scorpio,
Wolf in Wolf's Clothing,
Sagittarius,
Racing Demon,
Capricorn,
Vlad the Impaler,
Aquarius,
The Ghost in the Machine,
Pisces,
Sea Werewolf,
When Monsters Collide,
Grim Glossary,
Index,
Acknowledgments,

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