Read an Excerpt
Wicked Ways to Warm Up
Anyone can be good in bed. Genital size doesn’t matter. Looks don’t matter. You don’t have to have legs up to your chin or arms like Arnie, drive a sports car, or be rolling in it to be the best lover your partner’s ever had. But you do need a good, working knowledge of your subject. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise: sex skills can be learned, we can all improve on them, and I can’t think of a better place to start than with foreplay.
It takes the average man two to three minutes of direct sexual stimulation with a partner to orgasm. It takes the average woman twenty to thirty minutes. You don’t need to be Einstein to figure out that if you spend longer on foreplay and master it, you’ll need to swap your Little Black Book for a Big Black Briefcase to lug around all your phone numbers. And women aren’t the only ones who like foreplay. Even men who can get an erection by inserting a coin in a slot machine can’t deny that a good, slow, erotic “tease” dramatically heightens all sexual sensation. Convinced it’s imperative you get it right? Thought so! Now, here’s some suggestions to improve your foreplay finesse.
WHY YOU SHOULD masturbate IN FRONT OF EACH OTHER
Partners can’t read minds. So get rid of that “If he/she truly loved me, they’d know what turns me on” stuff right now. Body language can speak volumes and talking to each other is essential, but as the saying goes, a picture is worth a thousand words. Watching each other masturbate, you see firsthand what technique you each use—the pressure and speed, how you speed it up or slow it down on approach to orgasm, how you stimulate yourself (or not) while you’re actually having an orgasm, and what you do with your spare hand. All you need to do then is copy each other.
Generally, men are more comfortable masturbating than women are. If your girlfriend’s the I’m-game-for-anything type, doing it in front of her may simply be a matter of taking a hold of yourself during foreplay. Chances are, she’ll sit back and watch—lots of women are fascinated. If she ignores what you’re doing, simply say, “I’ve had fantasies about masturbating in front of you. This feels great.” If she still doesn’t get the hint and watch add, “This is how I do it when you’re not around. Watch.” If you want her to imitate your technique, get her to put her hand over yours so she can feel the pressure and rhythm you’re using. Ask her to copy you and give lots of positive feedback—“Wow! You’re better at it than I am.” Uninhibited women can easily apply the same principles.
Your partner’s a little shy and so are you? Talk about it first. Say you watched a show; a friend told you; you read about how watching each other masturbate will improve your sex life immeasurably. Ask if your partner agrees and suggest that the next time you make love, you try it. Don’t be concerned if it all seems a bit serious and uncomfortable the first time round. Start by showing one technique you use: come on—that’s a mere second or two of embarrassment! And get them to do the same. Later, when you both feel more comfortable, you’ll be more confident and relaxed about bringing yourself to an actual orgasm. Masturbating in front of your partner or watching them masturbate has always been up there with the most popular male sex fantasies—and the new breed of sexually liberated females are adding it to their list.
“Happiness isn’t a destination; it’s a means of traveling.” This old saying can be applied to foreplay. Rush through the “traveling” and you might find the destination isn’t quite as exciting as you’d expected. Lavish attention on the whole body and you can’t help but take your time.
Erogenous zones are areas on our bodies that create intense sexual arousal when stimulated. Apart from the obvious bits that we all share (like the penis and the clitoris), each of us has our own secret area that sends frantic yes! yes! messages to all the right places. For some, it’s being bitten in the small of their neck. Others go crazy when someone strokes their buttocks. But what works for one lover won’t necessarily work on the next, so consider each new lover unexplored territory. There are few places on our bodies that we don’t like being touched. Why restrict foreplay to the breasts and genitals when the entire body is itching for attention?
•Take a body tour. When you get to a new city, you often take an orientation tour to get your bearings, right? Then what’s stopping you from doing the same with your new lover’s body? You can go all out here and even use a few props. Make him lie down naked on his stomach and close his eyes—make sure the room you’re in is private and warm—then trail a scarf slowly and tantalizingly across his naked bottom and back. Then turn him over and stroke a feather around his penis and scrotum. You can then move on to using your hands, hair, breasts, and mouth on his nipples and genital area, creating different sensations as you search for his ultimate pleasure zones.
•Try stroking her face, the back of her neck, her back. Play with her hair, lift it up from her neck and stroke underneath, slide your palms up and down her arms—and this is just while you’re watching TV together. Don’t even make it to the bedroom.
•Massage his feet, kiss his toes, massage his hands, then take each finger into your mouth and suck it, pretending it’s his penis.
•Don’t dive straight for his penis during foreplay. Use long, sensual strokes up his inner thighs until he’s trembling with desire.
•Bottoms up! Both your bottoms are an arousable area. Try massaging them, stroking, even gentle slapping. Don’t neglect the perineum (the bit between your genitals and your anus). Press firmly and massage with two fingers, gently stroking along the entire length; use your tongue to do the same.
•Use your fingers to rub along the outline of his lips, then insert a finger into his mouth for him to suck. Do the same with your nipples. He can do the same with his penis.
•Get into neck nibbling. Do you know anyone who doesn’t enjoy having their neck kissed or gently nibbled? (If you do, they’re either incredibly ticklish or totally uptight.) It’s a sadly ignored area that can produce amazing results.
•Suck her toes, slide your tongue into her belly button (try diving on her after a shower if you’re paranoid about “fluff”). Have fun with foreplay! It really doesn’t matter if she laughs instead of sighs—she’s still complimented that you find all of her sexy, not just “the good bits.”
• Kiss all over his body, not just on his mouth and genitals.
• Use your whole body to massage his. Lie on top of him when he’s lying on his back or front, gyrate slowly, and revel in the simple sensation of skin against skin.
And for my next trick . . .
•Tie him up. We’ve all seen it done in the movies. You don’t need to pop down to a sex shop and buy one of those leather numbers to slip on (unless you want to, of course) or crack a whip (ditto) to play the dominatrix. But you do need a bedpost (or chair) to tie him to, a couple of long scarves (some old stockings or a few of his ties will do), and a nasty smile on your face. Once he’s comfortably trussed (don’t cut off the circulation, you need the blood flowing for him to get an erection, let alone keep his heart pumping), you can try out a number of erotic scenarios, like . . .
•Masturbate for him. Watching you give yourself pleasure will give him a big kick. The effect will be even more spectacular if you masturbate loudly and theatrically while he’s tied up and is utterly helpless. If you want to get him really worked up, simply leave him tied up and then . . .
•Blindfold him. Even a see-through chiffon scarf can increase the sexual tension tenfold. It also makes you less inhibited about what you do to him because he can’t see you. Tie the scarf across his eyes, then build the anticipation by withdrawing completely for a few seconds, then caressing him in his favorite places, and a few he’s not expecting. This also lets his imagination run wild—you could be a provocative French maid, slave girl . . . you get the picture.
•Undress each other. Don’t just fling your clothes in a corner and hop into bed naked; let him undress you and vice versa. Stop along the way to lick and caress the body part that’s just been exposed.
•Play the vamp. Thought the only time you’d use those long, black gloves was on black-tie occasions? Put them on now and start masturbating him. Yes, it does come out in the wash.
•Make it good enough to eat. Whipped cream, bananas, and berries aren’t just good for fruit salads. Take them out of the kitchen or, better still, stay there and satisfy two appetites at once. Having a feast off each other’s bodies is a laugh more than anything else, but even if it simply makes sex more fun, it’s worth the experiment. Unless you’re talking hot and spicy foods, it’s safe to smother or insert most foods in and around the genitals for both of you to devour. While you’re at it, grab some ice cubes from the freezer, put them into your mouth, then suck his penis.
•Drop it. Leave the sisterhood stuff outside the bedroom door. If he fantasizes about you dressing up as a waitress, serving him exactly what he hungers for, he is treating you like a sex object—but isn’t that the point?
•Go for the cliché—most men love it. Invest in some sexy black underwear. After a night out, take off your clothes to reveal stockings and suspenders. (Even better, flash him a glimpse while you’re out.)
•Tease, tickle, and titillate. Brush your lips over his mouth but don’t let him kiss back. Put his penis momentarily in your mouth, then withdraw and start kissing his neck. Sit on top of him and let him partially penetrate you, then get up and walk away. The trick is to keep him unbelievably aroused rather than frustrated. At some point, though, you have to put him out of his misery by bringing things (and him) to a fabulous finale!
FIRST-TIME SEX AFTER A LONG-TERM LOVER
You’ve been out to every restaurant in town, they’ve been to your place, you’ve been to theirs, and now it’s crunch time. Which is why you’re in the bathroom, ostensibly cleaning your teeth (for the last twenty minutes) while your about-to-be-lover waits in the bedroom, wondering if you have any gums left. Don’t be ridiculous, you lecture yourself in the mirror, you’ve had sex hundreds, probably thousands of times before. Yeah, says another little voice, but with the same person for the last ten years.
First-time sex with a new lover, after years with an old one, is heart-thumping stuff. Part of you can’t wait to give it a whirl (no prizes for guessing which part), but the thinking bits would stay happily celibate for another one hundred years to avoid any embarrassment. But come out of that bathroom you must (the window’s usually far too little to escape from). Just keep the following points in mind.
•Don’t panic if you feel as nervous as a virgin. In a sense, it is like losing your virginity all over again. Don’t fall into the same trap you did back then and expect that it’s going to be wonderful. You’ve fantasized about it, so have they, and reality hasn’t got a hope in hell of matching expectations.
•Admit you are nervous. If the thought of them gazing at your flesh makes you faint, leave your underwear on and slip under the sheets. Say, “I haven’t had sex with anyone but Martha/Martin for years. I feel like a teenager.” It’ll ease the tension for both of you. You’re not the only one who’s under pressure. Your new lover feels they have to at least measure up to the standard set by your ex—and that’s pretty difficult when your old lover’s a few hundred practice runs ahead of them.
•Stick to the basics. If you’re really nervous, this is one situation where I advocate just getting through. Kiss, have some foreplay, do the deed. Get it over with, let most of your anxieties evaporate, then you can concentrate on getting to know each other properly (and don’t be surprised if after all that fuss, you’re actu- ally keen for a repeat within the next half an hour).
•If it’s awful, admit it and laugh. Say, “That was such a disaster because we were so nervous. But now that it’s out of the way we can relax and really get to know each other sexually.” It’s not a big deal if she didn’t lubricate or orgasm or if he couldn’t get an erection, lost it, or came too quickly. It doesn’t mean you’re not compatible in bed. It doesn’t mean you should have stuck it out with your ex. It just means you don’t know each other’s bodies, desires, or needs yet.
•Accept that you may feel sad afterward. For many people, especially women, sleeping with someone new marks the true ending of the previous relationship. It’ll hit you like a lightning bolt: My God, it really is over. Even if you broke out the champagne when your ex left, don’t be surprised if you have a postcoital grief attack. Cry, sob if you must, but don’t shut your new lover out. If you’re open and explain your emotions, they’ll understand. Remember an ending is often the glorious beginning of something even better.
Dear Diary, I had sex today and it was . . .
Emma, 23, is single and living in Sydney. She works in the media and is bisexual, though doesn’t classify herself as such. She says she’s simply “nondiscriminatory” when it comes to choosing a sex partner. Emma has had many lovers and several long-term relationships.
Ryan came over on Friday night and we went out to dinner then stayed up late talking. When we finally got to bed, it was already past 2 a.m. Ryan’s a great friend and a wonderful lover—sensual, erotic, experienced, funny, relaxed. I love that controlled intensity of his. We fuck and it’s good, but I don’t come the first time and he knows this so he keeps touching me until I’m wet again. When he goes down on me, he knows exactly what he’s doing and he enjoys doing it—an extra turn-on. He gets hard again and I put a condom on him using my mouth, which he finds very sexy. This time, when he makes love to me, I come and that makes him come, too. It’s amazing. He sleeps over and when he finally leaves, I ask if he’s got everything (he likes to leave his mark). Of course, he “forgets” a T-shirt that smells of his sweat and cologne and makes me horny, reminds me of him. I think about throwing it into the laundry with my stuff but end up sleeping with it under my pillow.
Later, I seduce myself, thinking about Ryan fucking me and going down on me with that great oral technique of his. Actually, I fantasize about other things, too, but I always like to imagine someone I know once I start to get aroused. It makes it more intimate. I wonder how he’d feel if he knew. He’d probably like to know I was thinking about him.
I’m in Melbourne on business and I meet Mark, a smart, sexy lawyer at a work function. There’s an instant spark between us, one thing leads to another and I end up back at his apartment, in his bed. (Normally, I would have waited, but I’m flying back to Sydney tomorrow and I just can’t resist!) Like most men, he’s a little impatient and a tad heavy-handed at first, but I manage to convey my base-level requirements for enjoyable arousal and he does a pretty good job of ful- filling them. We fuck—using a condom that he provides—and it’s sexy, athletic, and abandoned. He goes down on me at one stage, quite expertly, and makes me extremely horny. Later, we do it “doggie” and by the time he comes (loudly, which is great—I like his lack of inhibition and sense of theatrics), I’m so turned on that I only have to touch myself for thirty seconds or so and I also orgasm (not quite as loudly, which is probably just as well). We doze, cozily entwined, his hard body against my soft flesh. At seven, far too early, it’s time to go. I leave him sleeping, again a stranger, creep into last night’s clothes and steal away, leaving nothing but a hastily penned phone number and a kiss.
Today I miss Stephen, my ex, once the love of my life. Back in Sydney, I go to see a film by myself and it makes me nostalgic and miss him more. I want a love with intensity. I want to feel that strongly again, to fuck someone I would die for, someone I’d want to get pregnant with. Someone I’d miss. My friend Max calls and he’s sweet and concerned but I don’t feel passion for him. He’s a darling, though, and it will be good to see him. I could use some steadying. I could use some more sex, too.
I’m at work and a big bouquet of tiny pink roses arrives from Mark. I call to thank him and we arrange to catch up next time I’m in town. He’s great on the phone—he’s got a really sexy English accent—but I shouldn’t think this way when I’m in the office. I can’t wait to go to Melbourne again.
I have spent the last twenty-four hours on a hot date at home. Max came over and we cooked Italian, drank a bottle of good red, and watched a steamy video. It was quite good but I lost attention halfway through when Max took his shirt off. It was a shameless bid for my attention—and it worked. Great body. He used to have a hairy back and a white, pasty torso that reminded me of uncooked bread. But he waxes now, works out, and goes to the tanning salon. He’s too young but utterly charming and seductive, witty, quick, manually dexterous, and great around the house. Kind of a nice package, don’t you think? I was quite happy to go along with everything he suggested (again). I didn’t like anal sex much before Max but he uses his fingers and tongue-fucks my anus and for the first time, I actually contemplated having his penis inside my rectum. It’s very addictive, what he does. Ryan called on my machine as Max was licking me and that was such a turn-on: hearing one guy on my machine saying how much he wanted me while another gives me the licking of my life. Max doesn’t want me as his; we’re just friends who fuck. He didn’t put his shirt back on until 8:30 the following evening. Yum.
Ryan calls, just for a chat. We arrange to go out together next week and easily slip into friendship mode. He’s the perfect escort—polite, sociable, good looking, and he wears fantastic designer clothes. There’s no guarantee we’ll end up in bed together after our date and even if we do, we’ll probably just cuddle and go to sleep. We’re more friends than lovers really. Both of us know we’re not soul mates but we’re extremely fond of each other and I can imagine us being friends for life. If only more men were like him—most want to own you or run away.
I feel really horny tonight—it’s that time of the month. I get out the trusty vibrator, read some porn to get off, go for quantity rather than quality. It’s fun even though it’s tacky. At least it stops me from climbing the walls, gets the circulation going, and I wake up satisfied. Guys—who needs them?
I’ve always slept with women and can’t really imagine why anyone would write off half the population sexually just because they’re the same sex. So when Natasha and I stay in, cooking dinner, dancing to the stereo, trying on clothes, it’s natural that I start to feel horny. She comes up and starts stroking me and it feels sensual, comfortable, and at the same time, very exciting. Girls having sex is still such a taboo it always gives me an illicit thrill. We kiss and her mouth is so soft, it couldn’t possibly be a man. Both of us are horny but we take it slowly, like two sleepy cats. Going down on her is warm and erotic. As always, it makes me understand how guys feel—it isn’t easy to give good head to a girl! I stop before she comes and she kisses me everywhere. We end up with our legs entwined and come that way. It’s wild and wonderful and the best thing is, when it’s over, we go back to being two girlfriends having a cozy evening. No pressure. No intimacy. I like girls, they have their own special charm, but I don’t fall in love with them.
It’s morning and I’m in Melbourne for the week. I’m at Mark’s, trying to write this, and he’s being very provocative. Later, maybe—or maybe really soon. He’s shaping up rather nicely—lived up to the few phone calls we’ve had and we haven’t stopped having sex since I got here. It’s weird, the more sex I have, the more I need it and the less it seems to matter who it’s with.
My sex life is . . . Exciting and satisfying—although I have my disappointments like everyone else. I know this diary makes me sound like I always have fantastic sex but I think you just caught me at a wild, wonderful time of my life. I guess you would say I’m promiscuous if you counted the number of lovers I’ve had, but I don’t think I sleep around at all. I pick my lovers very carefully because sex is extremely, extremely important to me. It’s one of the most important things in my life and I put a great deal of energy into it. I’m definitely in tune with my body and my needs. Some of my friends say they envy my sex life but I think anyone can have great sex if they just learn to let go, relax, and really listen to what their body is telling them. They seem so hung up on what their lovers will think if they do this or that. I say, forget the lovers, satisfy yourself first!
From the Trade Paperback edition.