How Can You Say That?: What to Say to Your Daughter When One of You Just Said Something Awful

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Overview

Why do words matter so much to girls? Because girls build relationships with words. They use words as tools and as weapons -- making words the key to a good relationship with your daughter. Authors Amy Lynch, founding editor of Daughters newsletter, and psychologist Dr. Linda Ashford use real letters and conversations to examine the issues that push hot buttons for girls and their parents.
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Overview

Why do words matter so much to girls? Because girls build relationships with words. They use words as tools and as weapons -- making words the key to a good relationship with your daughter. Authors Amy Lynch, founding editor of Daughters newsletter, and psychologist Dr. Linda Ashford use real letters and conversations to examine the issues that push hot buttons for girls and their parents.
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Editorial Reviews

Children's Literature
Written by an author of articles for girls and women with assistance from a psychologist who works with children and families, this useful book explains the power of words and communication for females, particularly when it comes to verbal exchanges between daughters and their mothers. The eleven chapters begin by clarifying the verbal abilities of females and how they use and often misuse this skill to connect to those around them. Using personal reflections, discussion and scenarios, the chapters attempt to explain how daughters say one thing but mean another. Assisting parents, especially mothers, to interpret a daughter's language is discussed with explanations of how to respond appropriately, as well as how to teach your daughter more appropriate ways to express feelings. Many areas that interest preadolescent and adolescent girls are dealt with such as using hurtful words, fights over food and body size, actions that embarrass, expectations from parents, relationships and so on. The personal reflections of family members really clarify the all-too-familiar verbal duels. Suggestions for 'turning the talk around' are provided in each chapter. The chapter on Apologies and Forgiveness is especially poignant. A resource guide and index are included. 2003, Pleasant Company Publications,
VOYA
Sometimes mothers (and fathers) of teenaged girls need all the help they can get. These two authors deliver some answers and helpful advice. Lynch, a writer on issues pertaining to girls and women, and Ashford, a pediatric psychologist, divide their book into eleven chapters that deal with the most likely sources of friction and pain between mothers and daughters. Interviews and letters from the readers of American Girl(r) magazine form the basis of the book. Lynch and Ashford demonstrate their theory that "words matter" when they relate ways in which girls and their parents hurt each other-many times intentionally-by the things that they say. Girls, they believe, generally are also quite capable of using words to build, mend, and tear apart relationships. The beginning chapters discuss areas that often trigger hurt or angry feelings between parents and daughters. Embarrassment, dirty rooms, sibling rivalry, self-image, and romantic heartache are presented in possible scenarios and letters. One chapter examines the changes that can take place in families such as death, divorce, stepfamilies, and relocation. Lynch provides realistic and possible solutions for frustrated and concerned parents. The last chapter concentrates on reconciliation. Heartfelt examples of forgiveness and remorse will be thought provoking for parents and their daughters. The additional readings listed in the back of the book add to the usefulness of the work. 2003, American Girl/Pleasant Company, 230p.; Index. Further Reading., Trade pb. Ages 17 to Adult.
—Brenda Moses-Allen
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781584857709
  • Publisher: American Girl Publishing
  • Publication date: 9/15/2003
  • Series: Pleasant Company Publications
  • Pages: 229
  • Product dimensions: 8.24 (w) x 11.06 (h) x 0.67 (d)

Table of Contents

Letter to Parents 2
Chapter 1 Girls and Words 4
"Would you listen for a second?" 10
"I'm sick of arguing with you" 12
"Shut up!" 14
"Dad! Would you just listen to me?" 16
The silent treatment 18
"Don't you even know who I am?" 20
"Why are you so sensitive?" 22
"Don't take that tone with me" 24
"You lied to me!" 26
Chapter 2 When Words Hurt 28
"I was just teasing!" 40
"Don't swear at me!" 42
"You're so selfish!" 44
"You only adopted me!" 46
"WHAT did you just call me?" 48
"All you do is criticize" 50
"I hate you! I wish you weren't my dad!" 52
Chapter 3 Food Fights and Body Size 54
"Yuck! This food is gross" 60
"You can't make me!" 62
"I'm a vegetarian now" 64
"You're getting chubby" 66
Not in front of her friends 68
"Dad, do you think I'm fat?" 70
"You're fat, Mom" 72
Chapter 4 "You Embarrass Me!" 74
"No offense, Mom, but ..." 80
"I can't be seen with you looking like that!" 82
"Bye, Mom!" 84
"You talked about me behind my back" 86
"You can't wear that!" 88
"You were incredibly rude" 90
Chapter 5 Measuring Up 92
"I don't want your help!" 98
"This grade is too low" 100
"You're not very good at that" 102
"I'm not sure you can do it" 104
"Get in there! Can't you see the ball?" 106
"Stop telling me what I did wrong!" 108
Chapter 6 Her Own Space 110
"How can you be such a slob?" 116
"You have no taste" 118
"Get out! You have no right to be here" 120
"You read my journal, didn't you?" 122
"Don't you trust me?" 124
Chapter 7 Crossing the Line 126
"You're so mean!" 132
"Just leave me alone!" 134
"I'm not a baby anymore!" 136
"You are so eighties" 138
"You lied about where you'd be" 140
"Because I'm the parent, that's why!" 142
Chapter 8 Relationships of the Heart 144
"She's a bad influence on you" 150
"She must not be much of a friend" 152
"You're jealous of my friends" 154
"Get a life, Mom!" 156
"Angie's got a boyfriend ..." 158
"You're calling him again?" 160
"You look like a tramp" 162
Chapter 9 Close Quarters 164
"Wake up--now!" 170
"You're late already!" 172
"You are so lazy!" 174
"Stop nagging me!" 176
"I said go to bed!" 178
Chapter 10 When Families Change 180
"The divorce is all your fault!" 186
"You're just my stepmom" 188
"I hate it here. I want to go back home" 190
"You never used to act like this" 192
"It's your fault we're broke" 194
Chapter 11 Apologies and Forgiveness 196
"I said 'sorry.' Can we move on?" 202
"Don't 'Hi, Mom' me!" 204
"I don't know if I can ever forgive myself!" 206
"I don't need to apologize--you do!" 208
"I'm sorry that you feel offended" 210
A Final Note 212
Resource Guide 213
Index 216
About the Authors 230
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Sort by: Showing 1 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted September 1, 2004

    Excellent information to know

    This book gave me a lot of insight into my 10-year-old's brain. It helped me better understand how she might be thinking and feeling in different situations. It helped me understand why we argue, why she can be moody, why her room is a mess -- and how I can help her feel loved no matter what. The book encourages parents to be in 'listen mode' when daughters need us. It is important for our daughters to be able to come to us every time they need us -- which, incidentally, will be less often the more that they find closeness with friends. However, if we constantly argue and criticize our daughters, the more likely it will be for them to shut us out more and more and turn to friends instead (and, unfortunately, maybe drugs or sex). How we speak to our daughters and what words come out of our mouths do, in fact, imensely impact our precious daughters. I feel the book will help me over the next several years.

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