How Not to Kill Your Baby

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Overview

From writing a birth announcement that won't attract the attention of kidnappers, to doing criminal background checks on the other parents before having a playdate, How Not to Kill Your Baby is the perfect comedic antidote to parental paranoia.

"This laugh-out-loud hilarious book is mandatory reading for parents, and should be taught in schools as the "cautionary tale" portion of Sex Ed. Run don't walk to buy it, and if you're a baby with lethal parents, crawl don't roll." —Rob ...

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How Not to Kill Your Baby

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Overview

From writing a birth announcement that won't attract the attention of kidnappers, to doing criminal background checks on the other parents before having a playdate, How Not to Kill Your Baby is the perfect comedic antidote to parental paranoia.

"This laugh-out-loud hilarious book is mandatory reading for parents, and should be taught in schools as the "cautionary tale" portion of Sex Ed. Run don't walk to buy it, and if you're a baby with lethal parents, crawl don't roll." —Rob Kutner (writer, The Daily Show, Conan, The Future According To Me)

"Unlike babies themselves, copies of Jacob Sager Weinstein's book can be bought and sold on the open market. Buy two and bring joy and laughter to the lives of a copy-less couple." —Jose Arroyo (writer, Conan)

"The "s-a-g-e" in Jacob's middle moniker indicates exactly that. He is a whimsically wise and hysterically funny fellow whom any child (or book buying adult) would be wise to listen to." —Dennis Miller

"If you don't buy this book and then your baby dies, how are you going to feel? Pretty bad, I imagine." —Larry Doyle (writer, I Love You Beth Cooper; Go, Mutants!; The Simpsons)

Have you ever read a parenting book that left you feeling inadequate and/or terrified? In other words, have you ever read any parenting book whatsoever?

If so, you need How Not To Kill Your Baby, a hilarious parody of every fear-mongering, crazy-making pregnancy and parenting manual you've ever cringed over. Just consider the following advice:

* "As you know if you have ever seen someone give birth in a movie or television show, all newborns emerge with adorable round faces, pudgy limbs, and twinkling eyes. If, by contrast, the nurse hands you a tiny, squawling creature with the face of an old man and skin covered in goo, hand it back immediately. There has clearly been some sort of mixup with a nearby ward for senile midgets."

* "It's essential that you keep careful track of your baby's every bodily function. That way, when she is president of the United States and a paranoid-minded conspiracy movement springs up denying her eligibility for the position, you will have documentary proof that she did, in fact, poop on U.S. soil at 8:23AM on February 23."

* "When choosing a nursery school, make sure to visit first, and ask the teachers about their educational philosophies. Then ask about their criminal records. If they insist they have none, you may need to keep asking, perhaps while shining a bright light in their face. Also, take their fingerprints, then follow them home from a discreet distance and go through their trash. Oh, and don't forget to thank them for their dedication to helping the young!"

* "It is easy to adjust your parenting techniques as your children grow: simply do and say the exact same things, but raise your voice by one decibel for every year of your child's age."

How Not To Kill Your Baby is printed on child-safe, 100% piranha-free paper, and bound without the use of exploding staples. You'll get no such promise from What To Expect When You're Expecting.

How Not To Kill Your Baby is the book for you... unless you're some kind of baby-hating creep who wants to parent all wrong.

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781449409913
  • Publisher: Andrews McMeel Publishing
  • Publication date: 3/20/2012
  • Edition description: Original
  • Pages: 136
  • Product dimensions: 6.58 (w) x 7.80 (h) x 0.46 (d)

Meet the Author

Jacob Sager Weinstein has written for The New Yorker, McSweeney's, and Cracked.com, and is a former contributor to The Onion. He's also written for HBO, NBC, and the BBC.

Jacob and his wife live in London with their two children, neither of whom has ever been lost at sea or stuck in the middle of a buffalo stampede. Also, that one time he wasn't paying attention and the baby carriage rolled into the Regent's Park Duck Pond, neither of his kids was in it. What more could you want from a parenting expert?

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 3
( 4 )
Rating Distribution

5 Star

(2)

4 Star

(0)

3 Star

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2 Star

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1 Star

(2)

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Sort by: Showing all of 4 Customer Reviews
  • Posted June 15, 2012

    Amusing tips!

    The tone of this book is suggested by the “READ BEFORE OPENING” which includes warnings for the book itself, such as “CHOKING HAZARD if your child has a large, book-shaped mouth,” and “ALLERGY WARNING: This book is printed in a facility that also prints Peanuts.” Or, in the section on “Disciplining Your Child,” where it helps dad to learn how to avoid power struggles with your toddler, such as offering your child choices like, “Would you like to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt?” This is helpful, How Not to Kill Your Baby explains, because then “she will have to say “No” twice, providing her lungs with twice as much exercise.” Amusing tips for dads to help them adjust to fatherhood!

    1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted June 3, 2012

    This book is hilarious -- and a great counterpoint to all the pa

    This book is hilarious -- and a great counterpoint to all the painfully earnest pregnancy and parenting manuals out there. I plan to make it my go-to baby gift for friends with a sense of humor.

    Re. the other reviewer's comment -- the book is filled with charts and photos, so the paperback is DEFINITELY the better option than the Nook....and while I can understand the frustration, that review seems like it should be posted about the Nook rather than "How Not to Kill Your Baby." Which, again, is a very funny book.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 17, 2012

    Charts

    The charts dont load correctly even if you turn the nook and there are tons of them

    1 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted October 14, 2013

    Murder youre own baby.

    My mom wants to have a baby. I want to murder it while my step moms asleep. Beware she is arien! If she has ababy day or even worse at night she will wipe out human race of any kind. It will be all humans! After i murder the baby shes nexst! Sadly it would be my dad to. To bad i said yess. My sister said the same thing. My whole famly is nexst. Even her famly. I will kill evry innocent child and adult one by one. Its true im going to kill them. I will rape the children first! The adults? Murderd.

    0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
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