How Perfect Is That

How Perfect Is That

3.7 9
by Sarah Bird
     
 

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Blythe Young—a wannabe Texas princess, a heroine as plucky, driven, and desperate as Vanity Fair’s Becky Sharp—is plummeting precipitously from up- to downstairs, banging her head on every step of the Austin social ladder as she falls. Not unlike the country as a whole, Blythe has surrendered to a multitude of dubious moral choices and is now

Overview

Blythe Young—a wannabe Texas princess, a heroine as plucky, driven, and desperate as Vanity Fair’s Becky Sharp—is plummeting precipitously from up- to downstairs, banging her head on every step of the Austin social ladder as she falls. Not unlike the country as a whole, Blythe has surrendered to a multitude of dubious moral choices and is now facing the disastrous consequences: bankruptcy, public humiliation, a teensy fondness for the pharmaceuticals, and no Pap smear for ten years. But worst of all, she is forced to move back into the fleabag co-op boardinghouse where she lived when she was a student at the University of Texas.

Though Blythe cares much more about the ravaged state of her nails, and how to get the ingredients for Code Warrior—Blythe’s proprietary blend of Stoli, Ativan, and Red Bull that keeps everything in focus—her soul is hanging in the balance. Only when she is in danger of losing the one friend who’s been her true moral center is she ready to face her sins and make amends.

And her penance is merciless: she must find a way to lure her former socialite friends into the tofu tenement she has been reduced to. Little does Blythe know that the ensuing collision between the pierced, tattooed, and dreadlocked inhabitants and the pampered, Kir-sipping socialites offers the only hope of finding a way out of her moral quagmire.

Funny, fast-paced, sharp-eyed, an old-fashioned morality tale with an appropriately twenty-first-century ending, How Perfect Is That is a comic triumph of a novel.


From the Hardcover edition.

Editorial Reviews

Publishers Weekly

In the latest from seasoned Texan social satirist Bird (The Flamenco Academy, etc.), Blythe Young's recent divorce from Trey Dix has left her outside the protective bubble of Austin's high society. As her catering business goes broke and the IRS starts to chase her down, Blythe seeks a haven at Seneca House, the housing co-op where she lived 10 years ago during college. There, she must face Millie Ott, one of many friends Blythe shucked off in a frenzy of social climbing. Once portly Millie is now slender and, as a perfect foil for Blythe, also saintly: she delivers aid to the homeless by way of a tandem recumbent bike (which Blythe names the "dorkocycle"). At Seneca House, Blythe tries to make amends with people she's stepped on, to avoid the IRS, and to kick both a lingering drug habit and an addiction to scamming people into helping her out. She slowly starts to wins over the affection of her housemates until one of her unthinking decisions brings potential ruin on the co-op's financial well-being. The result is a laugh-out-loud addition to Bird's long line of estrogen-fueled dramedies. (June)

Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
Kirkus Reviews
Addled Texas socialite hits rock bottom. When Blythe Young marries big Texas money, she thinks she's set for life. As Mrs. Trey Biggs-Dix, Blythe can say adios to her blue-collar childhood. She quickly adapts to her new lavish life and learns to hold her own with the big-haired, big spending social X-rays in her universe. Just as Blythe's getting comfortable in her Jimmy Choo shoes and Ralph Rucci satin suits, her mother-in-law sets the wheels in motion to excommunicate Blythe from the esteemed Biggs-Dix clan. When it's all over, she is left penniless, dependent on drugs and booze with nary a friend. Blythe knows she's really hit the depths when she's reduced to calling on her old college chum, Millie, for help. Despite being left in the dust when Blythe was enjoying the high life, Millie happily welcomes Blythe into her modest home. Millie resides just where Blythe left her-back in a shoddy University of Texas house filled with outcasts. Millie now runs the ramshackle abode-it serves as home base for Millie's philanthropic operations and personal ministries. This Good Samaritan refuses to listen to those around her telling her that Blythe is nothing but trouble. Sure enough, she embroils the house in one scandal after the next. Blythe's outrageously selfish behavior may cost Millie and her housemates their home. To put things right, Blythe's going to have to pull off her biggest scam yet. Bird (The Flamenco Academy, 2006, etc.) delivers big laughs with her spot-on examination of Texas's high falutin' ladies; reading about Blythe's antics is pure, wicked fun. Sadly, this naughty treat turns mushy sweet when Bird begins to moralize. The righteous ending is unexpected-and tough to accept ina book otherwise devoted to camp and cattiness. Jolly ho-down spoiled by sermonizing.
From the Publisher
"A delightful tale...rollicking hilarity and scathing insight." — Elle

"Sparks and laughs fly." — The New York Post

"A perfect, curl-up-with-a-margarita splash of summer fun...wickedly good." — The Dallas Morning News

Product Details

ISBN-13:
9780307269317
Publisher:
Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group
Publication date:
06/10/2008
Sold by:
Random House
Format:
NOOK Book
Pages:
320
Sales rank:
938,711
File size:
432 KB

Read an Excerpt

April 3, 2003

4:15 a.m.

Four-fifteen in the morning is the perfect time to catalog the one commodity I am still rich in: regrets. I keep trying to pare that lengthy list down to a manageably brief inventory of everything I failed to acquire during marriage to a scion of one of America's wealthiest dynasties. Over the past few months, I have smelted a King Solomon's mine of lost swag down to the few basics I most regret either not obtaining or not hanging on to:

1. A husband

2. A home

3. A Pap smear

I've added and removed "4. Children" from the list several times. Currently, they are off.

Recently I've also started to regret christening myself Blythe Young. I picked the name at the end of my sophomore year at Abilene High School. It was an improvement over the one my mother had saddled me with, Chanterelle Young. I was tired of being taken for either an exotic dancer or, far worse, exactly what I was, the daughter of a trailer-trash tramp of a mother too stupid to know that in her single, solitary moment of maternal lyricism she had named her only child after a mushroom.

Eighteen years later, however, instead of blithe and young, I feel burdened and every day of my thirty-three years. What I am is divorced, desperate, and currently clinging frantically to a very tenuous toehold here in Bamsie Beiver's historically significant carriage house. Although Bamsie redid the main house in meticulous turn-of-the-century detail for maximum "authenticity" and "tax benefits," my abode never received such tender ministrations. Renovations on the carriage house appear to have started and stopped once the horse turds were swept out.

The sky lightens to a clotted gray signaling that no matter how much I might wish otherwise a new day is dawning. I brace myself for the next item on the chronic insomniac's agenda: an elaborate road trip revisiting all the points in my life where I took disastrously wrong turns. First up, the prenup. I put the prenup on hold, since it is more than a wrong turn; that damned prenup is its own entire journey of the damned with an itinerary drawn up by my former mother-in-law, Ilsa She-Wolf of the SS, known more generally as Peggy Biggs-Dix. Peggy ruined my life. Without her I would still be Mrs. Henry "Trey" Biggs-Dix the Third, mistress of Pemberton Palace. I would still be sleeping on Frette sheets, numbered like works of art, and thick and dense as deep sleep itself. I would still be breathing in air that smelled of lavender, eucalyptus, and the kind of clean that only generations of really dirty money can buy. Without Peggy, I wouldn't be where I am now, huddled in Bamsie's dank carriage house, staring down bankruptcy.

Bankruptcy? Who am I kidding? I was bankrupt when I married Trey. I believed he would rescue me. But his succubus of a mother sliced my oxygen hose and left me gasping on the ocean floor. No, it is what lurks beyond bankruptcy that is so terrifying. I forbid myself to burrow into this rathole any farther. My future will be decided today. So, although the lengthy list of things I would rather be doing than coordinating Kippie Lee's garden party would lead off with "Anything" and finish up with "Gum surgery," I have no choice. One, just one, just one healthy check, could keep me alive long enough to regroup and come back to fight another day.

In another city. Under another name.

Kippie Lee's check is my last, rapidly fading hope for staying out of debtor's prison. The words "debtor's prison" fill my mind with images from A Rake's Progress. Wastrels in powdered wigs despoiling themselves at the gaming tables. Blowsy slatterns in mobcaps with beauty marks painted over syphilitic sores. Grand ladies in Marie Antoinette wigs amusing themselves by gawking at the debt-maddened lunatics imprisoned in Bedlam. The vision is highly motivating.

It is do-or-die time. Failure is not an option. Semper Fi.

Already imagining I have Kippie Lee's check, I prioritize my list of creditors into Vultures and Jackals. Vultures--my unpaid employees, the IRS, inattentive suppliers--won't attack until I've stopped moving. I can let them wait. The Jackals, on the other hand--Sprint, Visa, American Express, MasterCard, Loan Sharks 'R' Us--are already nipping at my hindquarters with their massive, wildebeest-thigh-crushing jaws. This pack will have to be seen to first. I plan to scatter precisely enough dollars in the path of the Jackals to make them unlock their cruel masseters and release my gluteals. That will give me some breathing room.

Thus bolstered, I struggle to clear my mind and fall back to sleep. Instead, the hamsters on their wheels turn even faster. They pull me back, all the way back to the day when I met Henry "Trey" "Tree Tree" "Double T" Biggs-Dix the Third. Back to the beginning of the end.

I met Trey shortly after the dot-com bubble burst and I was in financial free fall owing to the first incarnation of Wretched Xcess, Event Coordination Extraordinaire, going belly-up. Wretched Xcess was not just the name of my business but the encapsulation of an entire zeitgeist as manifested in Austin, Texas. Lord, that was a heady time when too much was never enough and the clever boys in their backward caps, Teva sandals, and cargo shorts could not burn through their venture capital fast enough. Excess, that's what my clever boys wanted and that's what I provided.

Drunk with the rest of the country at the vast money kegger thrown by the venture capitalists, I expanded to meet the needs of my ever-more-demanding clientele. Though the Bubble Boys were still padding around in flip-flops, they could tell their beluga from their osetra. And, in every case, they wanted the beluga. They also wanted the titanium chafing dishes, the Baccarat crystal, and the tablecloths with a four-digit thread count embroidered by French nuns that I felt forced to acquire. High-end all the way. Leveraged to the max. That was when I should have worried. But I had fallen under the spell of my bright boys. We were rewriting the laws of trade and were all going to retire by the age of thirty-four. Thirty-three at the latest. Working was for chumps. We would float together forever on the bubble that had already lofted us so much higher than we could have ever dreamed.

And then?

Pop.

A bubble. Yes, I could have dealt with a bubble. But did it have to be filled with deadly swamp gas?

We all fell. Just some of us, weighted down with titanium chafing dishes and tablecloths heavy as rugs, hit significantly harder than those who'd pulled rip cords on parachutes in varying hues of gold. Or who'd simply moved into Mom's garage. Mom's garage was never an option for me, since my mother was herself living in a garage. Griz's Hawg Heaven Harley Garage to be exact, owned by her "old man."

Vicki Jo keeps in touch by sending photos taken while she is "riding bitch" on the back of a chromed-out Harley-Davidson, piloted by Griz himself, whom Mom proudly describes as "a 1%er Outlaw Bandido thru and thru." In most of the photos, Vicki Jo is hiking up her top to reveal the bouncing maternal mammaries tanned to a rich, beef-jerky brown. I have to give Vicki Jo this: She has great tits for a woman her age and could almost pass for the thirty-nine she claims. At least when her very inconvenient thirty-three-year-old daughter isn't around. As for Griz, imagine a circus bear riding a motorcycle. Now stick a Nazi helmet atop its sloping head, give it a wallet on a chain, and there you had my mother's paramour.

Yes, my mother is a biker chick. Vicki Jo warned me early and often that mothering was not her "bag." My father had promised to do all the raising if Vicki Jo would handle the birthing. Mom couldn't help but feel she'd been welshed on when her husband died of a heart attack shortly after "the kid" was born. Making the best of a bad deal, my mother got a "shitty-ass, monkey fuck of a job" with the phone company and grudgingly kept me in sneakers and Clearasil for the next sixteen years with periodic memos that this wasn't "the tour" she had "signed on for" and that "we all got to float our own boat in this world." The instant I turned sixteen, Vicki Jo informed me that the "gravy train" had stopped and that her "me time" had begun.

Mom's answer to "What happens to a dream deferred?" was to move to Myrtle Beach, home to a very active biker scene and purchase a wardrobe of leathers, cutoffs, halter tops, and bandannas. Vicki Jo looked upon my childhood as an annuity and felt that every dime she'd put into raising me should have been accumulating interest and be available for withdrawal at any moment. The last time she hit me up for a loan so that Griz could get a valve job before the big Suck, Bang, and Blow Rally, she had been peeved that I was broke.

"What happened to that rich dude you married?"

"Being married to me didn't make him one penny less rich."

"Goddammit, don't tell me you signed a prenup?"

"Okay, I won't."

"What's that monkey fuck's name? Me and Griz are going to pay a visit on his sorry ass."

"Ethan Hawke."

"Gimme the son of a bitch's number."

"I'll get back to you on that."

I don't mention my mother much. All right, I don't mention my mother ever. It isn't that I'm ashamed of her. Or, okay, it isn't just that I'm ashamed of her; I fear the response if I tell the truth. Maybe illustrate it with a snapshot of Mom, riding high behind Griz, top hiked up, tan Mommy muffins exposed, big drunk grin on her leathery face. I fear that my confidant will look from the photograph to me, then back and say, "Ah, that explains it." Because all my mother explains is the obvious: Girls who aren't born rich have to work what the Lord gave them a lot harder than girls who are. We have to work it a lot harder. That is all my mother explains.

April 3, 2003

6:00 a.m.

I am still wide awake when the radio alarm clicks on. I half listen to some story about a superhero file clerk shooting her way like Rambo out of an Iraqi hospital. With an impossible to-do list, I jump into the shower and lose myself in sudsing up with the last of my Bulgari The Blanc shower gel when Trey calls out to me from the next room. My heart stops. I can't make out exactly what my ex-husband is saying, but he uses the earnest, heartfelt tone he puts on when he's trying to sound earnest and heartfelt. And/or get laid.

I'm saved. The hope of being rescued from having to perpetrate Kippie Lee's party makes me giddy with relief.

"Trey?" I trill, stepping naked from the shower, ready to jump into whatever reconciliation/farewell-fuck scenario he might be playing out. I open the door, imagining how dewy and soft-focus I look in the cloud of escaping steam, and behold an empty room. On the radio, President Bush is telling an audience of marines at Camp Lejeune that their brothers in arms have "performed brilliantly in Operation Iraqi Freedom."

I consider it cruel and unusual punishment that the leader of the free world sounds exactly like my ex. Though I know that this cruel disappointment gives me every right to a minibreakdown, I cannot allow myself that luxury. I cannot hurl myself onto Bamsie's lumpy bed and sob my heart out because no one is coming to save me, because no one was ever coming to save me. No, today I have to be a warrior, and I have to gird myself accordingly.

I appraise my wardrobe and consider the critical choice of what to wear. This day, more than any day since the divorce, I have to establish that I still belong on Kippie Lee's side of the social divide. I zip past my Marc Jacobs, my Anna Suis, my Prada. I need more armament than they provide to make it through the coming ordeal. I need the closest thing I have true haute couture; I need the suit of lights. I pluck out my shimmering Zac Posen gold duchesse satin suit. Just putting it on recalls the exquisite feeling of all the fittings I had finagled. A garment custom-fitted by Zac Posen with nine additional arcing darts undulating between hand-finished French seams is like wearing an all-access backstage pass.

Shoes? Chanel heels, of course. I want to broadcast class, not go Sex and the City with Jimmy Choos. I want to get paid, not laid. But which ones? Are the berry peep-toes accessorized with a Swarovski crystal the size of a golf ball too much? I think not. I slip them on and check the effect: intimidatingly prosperous. I can pull off anything in my twinkling shoes and the suit of lights.

On the radio, Bush signs off. "May God bless our country and all who defend her. Semper Fi."

Did our president just say "Semper Fi"? The very words I'd been thinking to myself earlier?

It is as if George W. Bush himself has blessed my mission and promised that everything will turn out fine. What could possibly go wrong?

Meet the Author


Sarah Bird
lives with her family in Austin, Texas, where she performs her own material regularly at the Hyde Park Theatre. The author of six previous novels, she is currently working on her latest, about reconnecting and the empty nest.

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How Perfect Is That 3.8 out of 5 based on 0 ratings. 9 reviews.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
If this was an attempt to write as Carl Hiaasen, the book falls far short. Character development is next to non-existent even for the main character. Definitely not a redeemed character as proclaimed by the review. We were hoping the personalities would be better examined than in even previous books by the author but found this even less. Being a local writer, we were "pulling" for her but were sorely disappointed,
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Blythe Young is recently divorced, broke, and running from the IRS. When she finds herself at Seneca House, the tenement house she lived in while at college, she turns to the only friend she knows she still has left. But although Millie Ott is still the sweet woman Blythe remembers, Blythe has changed, and Millie isn't quite as trusting of Blythe's conniving ways as she used to be. Blythe has come a long way since her trailer park upbringing, and she's determined to stay in the Austin society she married into, even though she no longer bears the right last name. If that means lying, cheating, and playing one socialite against the other, she's willing to do it. But her game comes to a halt at Seneca House. Suddenly, Blythe finds herself making visits to homeless men in the park and street teens who are desperate for direction. And in the process of helping these people, she finds herself, albeit reluctantly. Although she never quite reforms, Blythe learns to use her scheming ways to everyone's best advantage. In How Perfect Is That, Sarah Bird shows us the other side of high society. Blythe is a difficult woman to relate to, if you've always lived on the right side of the law, yet she's endearing in her own way. While we may not relate to her struggles to fit into the right circles, most women experience desperation at some point in their lives, and we never know what sacrifices we'd be willing to make to survive. Ultimately, Blythe faces her debt to society and attempts to repay it with some good. Now, how perfect is that? Reviewer: Alice Berger
MinnesotaReader More than 1 year ago
Sarah Bird has very cleverly written an engaging and humorous depiction of Austin, Texas.from the homeless to the haute couture. Social climber Blythe Young has hustled her way to the top of Austin's elite society. But a nasty split from her patrician husband leaves her penniless and worst of all, a social outcast! To make matters worse, her catering company is failing and she is wanted by the IRS. With her life in a shambles, she is taken in by her old college roommate, whom she had disdained during her ascent into high society. Absolutely hilarious antics ensue when Blythe vows to regain her prominent social standing. Ms. Bird has brilliantly crafted a creative, witty storyline with a delectable cast of unique, complex characters. Her writing is very imaginative, descriptive and laugh-out-loud funny. Through this compelling story, Ms. Bird makes an indirect comment about Austin's high society.their lifestyles and politics. She also teaches a wonderful lesson on the value of female friendships. I thoroughly enjoyed this truly entertaining novel and I highly recommend it!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
AshleyTX More than 1 year ago
By "too wordy" I mean that every sentence of this book seems to be filled with way too many adjectives or cultural metaphors...so much so that I found myself having to read some of the page twice to be sure I knew who was talking or what was being discussed. Unorganized and hard to follow for sure. Honestly, I lost interest before chapter 5 and have not read the entire book. I probably won't read it.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Jennmarie68 More than 1 year ago
This book was hilarious. I laughed almost from the first word all the way through. And while I couldn't connect with Blythe on a personal level it was entertaining to try and find reason in her messed up logic. She's been cast aside from her once glamorous life and is trying to wide a wave that has long left shore. While she can't seem to realize it, all of her problems are her fault, not her ex-husband or his "evil" mother. Her look on life is a bit disheartening and I can't say I want to trade places with her, however seeing what she comes up with is hilarious. From the Ruffies to the tandem recumbent bike to the "off label" spa clinic this book just kept me laughing. There are so many moments when I was thinking she's screwed now, but somehow she comes up with something. I know I keep mentioning how funny this book was, but I couldn't stop laughing. Even when I was talking to my bf about what was happening in the book he would chuckle. It's a great pick me up, cause if you feel like you have nothing well Blythe has even less, and she's making due (kind of). It's good chick lit and it was a pretty quick read.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Guest More than 1 year ago
'How Perfect Is That' is a guided tour to the anthrophology of high and low Austin society as a wannabe socialite takes an hysterically funny tumble from up to downstairs. It is so much fun to laugh at the arrogant, opulent lifestyles of the Bushesque world the heroine, Blythe Young, falls from. The perfect antidote to the evening news! Laughter IS the best medicine.