How to Marry a Divorced Man [NOOK Book]

Overview

You may not be his first wife -- but you want to be his last!

More than half of all American women between the ages of 18 and 54 will date or marry a divorced man during their lifetime.

Entering a relationship with any man is daunting. But entering one with a divorced man means navigating a host of new and complicated problems. Will remnants of his past -- his guilt, the X, their children, the financial and legal fallout -- wreak havoc on your ...

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How to Marry a Divorced Man

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Overview

You may not be his first wife -- but you want to be his last!

More than half of all American women between the ages of 18 and 54 will date or marry a divorced man during their lifetime.

Entering a relationship with any man is daunting. But entering one with a divorced man means navigating a host of new and complicated problems. Will remnants of his past -- his guilt, the X, their children, the financial and legal fallout -- wreak havoc on your sanity and finances and sabotage your quest for love? In this reassuring book, Leslie Fram combines fundamental wisdom, guerrilla tactics, and humor to inform and empower the millions of women who are dating divorcés -- and the many more who someday will.

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Editorial Reviews

Publishers Weekly
It may sometimes read like a parody, but this book is serious about its title-and its subtitle could be "By Any Means Necessary." Once Fram had hit her mid-30s as a "senior executive at a media company" and purchased a Manhattan apartment, "it was time for me to find a husband. I approached this mission...with a clear goal, strategy, and a lot of passion." She picks her quarry ("given the paltry selection of marriage material out there, Divorced Men seemed to be the only option") and speedily nails a fine specimen (but "his psychoconstipation from his earlier marriage rudely invade[d] our present, and future, together"). The rest of the book (that was just the first chapter) is designed to help potential brides of divorced men manage the emotional, financial and interpersonal issues that threaten that future. There's a chapter on managing early dates (ask the "Divorced?" question on the first, then drop it 'til the fifth), and then an investigation of his probable emotional states-complete with repeated "Reeling and Dealing" explanations of their causes, cheerleading for "FateMate" seconds trying to reel him in ("He's gettable") and "Antibrooding" techniques. A chapter on sex is frank, funny, grim and expert. Discussions about his money, his "X," and his children are models of realpolitik: "Love can't always conquer the most obtrusive of inherited children, so you'll need to draw your own conclusions after giving it your best shot." Victory does not always seem assured, and Fram gives hard-won advice that is grounded in practicality. Sandbagging the kids to preserve precious closet space may not be for everyone ("Tell them foldable clothes made from synthetic materials are all the rage"), but for Fram's FateMates, the end seems to justify the means. (Feb.) Copyright 2003 Reed Business Information.
Library Journal
Fram, formerly an editor at Cosmopolitan and Seventeen magazines, recently married a divorced man and wants to help other women land divorces. Drawing from her own experiences and those of a few friends, she unfortunately cuts down, rather than illuminates, her subject. Fram recommends that women "gain the upper hand" early in the relationship; after all, the poor divorced man is a mess, "entirely oblivious and in abject denial of the emotional ramifications generated by his divorce." "Solve his mystery for him as he'll never be able to do it for himself," she callously opines. A man is a robot; a woman should "rein him in and steer him toward becoming the man you've always dreamed of." Not recommended. Copyright 2003 Cahners Business Information.
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780061908064
  • Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
  • Publication date: 4/14/2009
  • Sold by: HARPERCOLLINS
  • Format: eBook
  • Pages: 192
  • Sales rank: 653,524
  • File size: 357 KB

Meet the Author

Leslie Fram has been an editor at Seventeen and Cosmopolitan, an executive at Hearst's website women.com, and a fashion designer for her own women's clothing company. She danced with the New York City Ballet before receiving her B.A. from Barnard College and her M.B.A. from Columbia University. She lives in northern California with her husband -- a divorced man -- and their child.

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First Chapter

How to Marry a Divorced Man
 1.A Personal Tale 


This book was born from my very own saga. It has been a journey of transformation, from being single, to finding "the one," to marrying, to almost murdering, to almost divorcing, to learning to cope, to discovering a sense of empowerment, to finally being able to find fulfillment in loving a Divorced Man.

Before I knew it, I was in my mid-thirties. All my adult life, I worked diligently to accomplish my educational, career, and financial goals. I got an M.B.A.; I was a senior executive at a media company; and I purchased an apartment in New York City. Yes, things had finally fallen into place. At this stage of my life, I could honestly say that I was happy with myself. Even my mother and I finally agreed on something -- it was time for me to find a husband. I approached this mission in the same way I approached all my other personal successes: with a clear goal, a strategy, and a lot of passion.

The search was on. My initial survey of the available male landscape -- primarily formulated by going on lots of lousy dates and commiserating with other disgruntled single girlfriends -- concluded that at my age, two main groups prevailed: perpetual bachelors and divorcés. At first, I beelined into the arms of thirty-five-plus-year-old bachelors, hoping that I would be the woman special enough to save them from their loner ways. What was I thinking?! As much as they tell you that they "want to settle down with the right woman," they actually would rather be pouncing on one unsuspecting female, then another. Years later, those very same bachelors are still toxically single. Take my advice and stay away.

Alas, given the paltry selection of marriage material out there, Divorced Men seemed to be the only viable prospects. I opened myself up to the inevitable. Then, as if right on cue, I promptly proceeded to fall in love with one. He was loving, intelligent, fun, and ready for commitment. After almost one year of courtship, we were ecstatically engaged. I was right on track in achieving my objective. Hey, Mom, I might get married after all!

Then I experienced a rude awakening and my plan nearly fell apart. When I read his divorce agreement, I almost called the wedding off. "You pay your X how much f***ing money per month?" My fiancé's seemingly ample income was more than halved by these payments and I quickly understood that our future together would similarly suffer. Meanwhile, his X had never worked a day in her adult life. It also seemed ludicrous that his ten-year-old son had an annual income from child-support payments that was higher than mine. To make matters worse, I noticed that the more intimate my man and I became, the more he felt the need to visit his X and kids in his old house -- even when they were not there. Did he miss his old cat, his room, his bed, his X? And why was she telephoning him with increasing frequency? More important, why was he taking her calls? What was going on?!

My angst propelled me to look for assistance in bookstores, but I found none. I felt too ashamed to discuss these financial inequities and my husband-to-be's bizarre behavior with anyone other than New York City cabbies. After all, I was supposed to be a blushing bride preparing for the most special day of my entire life. Who was I to complain? I soon realized that this was only the beginning and I was not sure I could handle what lay beyond. So much for plotting ahead.

Upon carefully weighing the pros and cons, I did decide to wed my Divorced Man after all. I determined that despite the monetary mess and emotional madness that came with his divorced life, he was the soulmate I had been searching for and I couldn't let him go. These first four married years have been the most blissful, yet frequently challenging -- okay, I will not lie to you, hellish -- I have ever had. The truth is that after we exchanged our nuptial vows, his irrational actions resulting from his divorce intensified. I felt like the loneliest newlywed who was ever carried across a threshold -- but my threshold was not the one transitioning me into the proverbial marital home, it was a threshold of rage.

I kept asking myself, "Is this what I waited for?" I couldn't help but feel stupid for making such an unenlightened, yet all-important, decision. On countless occasions, I was thrown into deep bouts of Oreo-gorging despair, pitying myself for loving a man with so much baggage. I thought that if only I could be more understanding, love him more, cater to him more, then his postdivorce trauma would disappear -- what a worthless idea! So many times I wanted to strangle him when I felt his psychoconstipation from his earlier marriage rudely invade our present, and future, together. Sometimes, I even dreamed of how life could be sweeter if I just became a casualty of divorce myself. Others might call surviving his divorce-related afflictions rewarding or character building, but I ask you, who wanted to be rewarded with so much character? Not I, thank you very much.

After a tumultuous four years of marriage to my Divorced Man, our love is stronger than ever. It has been, and often continues to be, a painful voyage, but with our solid commitment to each other we now know how to work through his divorce-related issues. Whew! I never imagined I could ever say that. Against the disquieting odds that over 60 percent of second marriages fail due to the unresolved issues the remarried partner brings into the second marriage, we have survived. We are each other's one and only.

Had I been primed as to what to expect from my Divorced Man, had I known how to handle his divorce legacies more intelligently, I would have better managed my relationship from the start. Only then could I have guaranteed our love without enduring many precious years of emotional strain. If only I had known what you are about to know, Dear Reader, I would have been much better off and saved thousands of dollars in shrink bills. But then again, had I not gone through the journey with him, I could not have written How to Marry a Divorced Man and you would not have benefited from the wisdom in this book.

How to Marry a Divorced Man. Copyright © by Leslie Fram. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold.
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Customer Reviews

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Sort by: Showing 1 – 4 of 3 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted May 6, 2003

    TRUST ME..READ THIS BOOK FIRST!!!! OUTSTANDING!!

    I have a two year live in relationship ongoing (we are now engaged) with a divorced man and i bought this book two years into it..Got it last weekend. Since the minute i started reading it i have completly changed almost everything about how i handle my situation. If only i read this first, this entire relationship could have been alot easier-being informed is being prepared. There will never be a better book for a fatemate...I have already passed the word on to others. My partner thanks you too. He said 'you seem so much better since reading that book' and then asked me to share it with him. I read a few parts aloud and he agreed with all of it, we even laughed about some of the 'hard truth' in this book. It gave him a better understanding of my feelings and his own guilt. Interestingly enough over two years time i had said pretty much the same thing your book says about the ex to him, and he was blown away. It proved i'm not crazy or insecure...And it aknowledged his own guilt and behavior. I can't say enough about this book. To anyone even thinking about dating a divorced man you must read this book, it offers positive ways to survive...Thank you so much leslie for sharing your experience, you are brave and awesome!!!!! leslie fram you are our fearless leader!!!!!!!! sincerely, a fellow fate mate, beth davis

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 6, 2008

    How can anyone read this!!!

    This is a terrible book. Period. Its completely insensitive. Evil step mother anyone? How can the author be angry at the husband for trying to be a good father. How insensitive and selfish. If you want to be a terrible person read this book.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted March 24, 2003

    fun and informative

    Great fun to read, while loaded with important first;hand information. I really like the stories, they seemed real and to the point. Am looking forward to Fram's next book. Should it be 'How to Marry...period!'

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  • Anonymous

    Posted January 9, 2010

    No text was provided for this review.

Sort by: Showing 1 – 4 of 3 Customer Reviews

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