Read an Excerpt
How to Tease and Please Your Lover
By Pam Spurr
St. Martin's PressCopyright © 2007 Pam Spurr
All rights reserved.
Before-play — An Introduction to Seduction
Whether you're in a relationship, you're single, or have just met someone new, you need to know about seduction and foreplay. Both are essential to a pleasurable and fulfilling sexual relationship. It may come as a surprise that I'm talking about seduction for people already in an established relationship. Believe me, this applies just as much to you as to singles and new lovers.
Much of what lies behind dissatisfaction in a couple's sex life is due to the fact that they've forgotten how to seduce each other. They are often guilty of skipping foreplay altogether – instead going straight to the already established pleasure zones that once turned on their partner but which may no longer do so. I aim to revive the neglected art of seduction!
Starting from the first time you lay eyes on someone right through to 10, 20 or even more years down the road, the key to keeping an active sex life is never forgetting to treat your lover as someone worthy of seduction. And as someone who deserves foreplay. Easy things to forget once you've added a mortgage, bills, household chores, career moves, children, in-laws, etc, to what was once new lovers with a fabulous sex life and only each other to be concerned with.
Having clarified that I'm going to treat it as if you're reading Fabulous Foreplay with fresh eyes regardless of whether you're single, have recently met someone or are in a partnership, I hope you will treat it this way too. When I introduce certain ideas and techniques – such as my thoughts on seduction and concepts relating to being attracted to someone – even if you've been with your partner a long time, it'll help remind you why you fell for them in the first place. That's incredibly important because at this point in time you may be looking at them with rather jaded eyes – and that's not seductive or sexy. With that in mind, let's begin with the background to seduction.
In coming chapters I'll share with you a huge variety of techniques to tease and please your lover. I'm going to give you a unique way of looking at foreplay and seduction by showing you how each one of these wonderful senses – including the sixth sexual sense that I'll introduce you to – plays an important part in sexual enjoyment. But first let's take a look at the term I coined a number of years ago called 'Before-play'. This is terribly important as it sets the whole scene, establishes the entire background, for how you feel about seducing someone. In my many roles of agony aunt, sex advisor, life coach and psychologist, I came to realise that people get hung up on having sex with little thought to the whole feeling, energy and ambience of their relationship specifically and life generally.
Whether you're aiming to seduce someone new or you want to have sex with your long-term partner, Before-play is important to your success and enjoyment. Here are a couple of examples to illustrate this.
Example One: You've just met someone new and you're looking forward to the exciting date you've got planned tonight. Just as you're about to leave the office, your manager throws a file on your desk and says you've got to complete the work in it before you leave. As you've recently missed a few deadlines you feel you must do as the manager asks. This leaves you rushing late to the date without any time to freshen up or change your clothes. You arrive feeling stressed and overwhelmed with the pressure you've just been under. Do you think you're likely to make scintillating conversation? Are you going to flirt in a carefree manner? And will you be focused on this new person's life and interests? The answer to all three of those questions is a big fat 'No!'
Example Two: You and your partner had a big argument in the morning before leaving for work about an unpaid credit card bill. You're extremely angry with him or her for overlooking it and now the interest has to be paid on it. You're both already strapped for cash and this makes you fume. You tear into each other instead of working together on such matters. That night your partner wants to make amends and slyly thinks a good way would be to have 'make-up' sex and tries to seduce you. Are you in the mood for sex? Do you even want them to touch you? Again the answer is a big fat 'No!'
What Do These Illustrate?
That Before-play is important. That the way you're feeling and any aspect of your life can affect Before-play. These examples demonstrate the ways that very different things in your life can affect your sex life. Quite frankly, if you're stressed from work you're hardly going to make a good impression on a hot new date. Or if you're arguing over bills you're not going to look at your partner with lust. These are only two of thousands of potential examples I could give you to illustrate why people need to think about Before-play. And the fact that Before-play comes into action long before you seduce anyone or start engaging in foreplay.
What to Consider in Your Before-play Zone
Think of Before-play as a pleasurable, comforting and positive 'zone' that you exist in. It directly affects you – and if you're in a relationship it also affects your partner. Just as their Before-play zone affects you. It makes all the difference to feelings of lust and love towards another person – no matter how attractive and new. When it comes to seducing someone and enjoying foreplay, it's definitely a deciding factor. And it holds the key to whether or not you feel any desire or arousal. Here are the major things you should consider that will affect your Before-play zone.
Any stresses and strains in your relationship will affect your Before-play zone or 'BPZ'. These may be ongoing differences or something that's just flared up. It could be that you disagree about how to spend your weekend, whose family to visit, how much money should be spent on your new kitchen, who does what around the house, or if you dislike your partner's best friend. Your BPZ will also be affected by much more subtle differences. For example, it could be that one of you feels slightly neglected by the other or thinks that they put more into the relationship. Any little irritant or major crisis that isn't acknowledged and dealt with will affect whether or not you have an interest in seduction, foreplay and sex.
Your Work and Other Responsibilities
Your relationship may be solid and loving, or you may be single and interested in someone new, but if your work or other responsibilities are causing you problems, they will affect your BPZ. Don't underestimate the power that work issues have to permeate every aspect of your emotional life, in turn having an impact on your BPZ. Whether it's work or some other major responsibility that takes up your time and energy, you need to recognise the negative effects it can have as illustrated in the example given above.
People are surprised when I ask about their physical health when discussing their sex life. All sorts of subtle and not-so-subtle things affecting your health will have a direct impact on how much you want to meet someone new, how much you desire your partner, and how you are around them – sexy, seductive or a big turn-off and not interested anyway. Obviously, any disease or medical problem – a heart problem, diabetes, even a broken leg – will affect your mood. Also, there are side effects of medication that affect sexual arousal and desire. Even if you're simply under the weather you're not going to give out a very positive love- vibe when you go to a singles event. Or if the only thing you want from your partner is a hot drink and a hug – not fabulous foreplay or even a seductive look.
The lifestyle you lead can have anything from very subtle effects on your BPZ to very obvious effects. The easiest way to illustrate this is to think about a man who has drunk too much and gets classic 'brewer's droop' – no matter how much he wants sex he can't get an erection to have it. That's an extremely obvious example but any lifestyle choice will affect your BPZ. If you smoke, drink too much, are overweight, party till dawn and don't get enough sleep, or get stressed over things – these are all lifestyle choices that change the way you feel and act towards your love-interest.
Your Children (If You Have Them)
There's practically no greater potential passion-killer than having children. Yes, children are amazing – I have two myself and I love being a mother. But you must expect your Before-play zone to be severely interrupted if you've children of any age, particularly under-5s. Anyone who becomes a parent should not be ignorant of the fact that children affect every level of your life. Your emotional state and energy levels are particularly affected, and consequently your level of sexual interest and ability to create a positive BPZ.
Awareness Equals Action
You're now aware of the type of things that can affect your Before-play zone and this means you can take action. Of course it might be that there's an issue somewhere in your life that can't be sorted out quickly. Also, new issues arise all the time – that's part of life. But the important and positive thing to do is to discuss matters with your partner, if you have one. Or if you're single and aware of ongoing issues, then you won't let these things get on top of you when you're meeting new people. Awareness means your BPZ will be far less affected. Whether it's a piece of action you take to sort out a specific issue, or something ongoing that you simply need to learn to live with (but live with in a positive way), it's how you deal with the matter that decides whether or not it affects your feelings of sexual interest, drive, desire and arousal, which in turn affect how you seduce someone and enjoy foreplay.
Being aware of your Before-play zone, and enhancing and nurturing it, are the very first steps to seduction and fabulous foreplay. Every day, develop an awareness of your life, what's happening in it, what you put into it and how you make others feel. The more aware you are of every level of your life – and the way these levels interact – the better you'll be at arousing someone's interest and being aroused yourself.
This awareness means you're ready to think about whom you are attracted to and how you can attract and seduce their six sexual senses. Let the seduction begin!CHAPTER 2
Attraction and Sexual Chemistry — The Background to Foreplay
It's time to take a look at the very beginnings of seduction and foreplay, and that's all about feeling attracted to someone or finding out that someone finds you attractive. You might think, why bother with this? My reasoning is that if you want to enhance your seduction skills – and be in with a chance to enjoy fabulous foreplay with someone – it's important to understand what's going on behind the intricate processes of attraction and seduction.
With a constant stream of studies about human attraction in the press I won't be surprised if you're a little confused about how to attract someone and how to tell if someone's attracted to you, wondering what are the right and what are the wrong things to do and signals to give when first meeting someone.
It's also part of human curiosity to wonder why we sometimes feel an instant attraction to someone. For example, what was it about one man or woman who stood out at a party that gave you a sense of wanting to meet them? Or why did you lock eyes with one colleague rather than another at a conference?
While sometimes you can be surprised by the fact you've been working alongside a colleague for six months and one day look at them with completely fresh eyes, realising you find them sexy. It can also take you aback to find out that someone's attracted to you when you thought they weren't interested.
There are so many different aspects to human attraction that I'm going to tease out some useful concepts from what might feel like a minefield. It's important to consider alongside these concepts that the timing of meeting someone, the circumstances in which you meet them, your frame of mind and their frame of mind, etc, all go to influence the eventual outcome – whether you end up seducing them and go to bed together.
If you're in a relationship the following might be a healthy reminder of why you fell for your lover in the first place. A very important thing! Research shows that couples who remember their early days are less likely to break up as those happy memories help them get through difficult times – which might include a time when you have, for instance, lost interest in sex.
The Elements of Attraction
I'd like to break down the elements of attraction into what I think are logical points. The following areas should become clear as you read them. Even if you choose not to use categories like these for yourself, having an awareness of these things will help you understand why it is that you may or may not end up with someone.
Hot Bodies and Lustful Looks – The Physical Side of Attraction
Most people think attraction is a purely physical event. In one way this view is correct. The very first time you see someone you absorb a huge amount of information about their physical attributes in just a minute or two. We make up our minds pretty quickly whether or not that physical package attracts us instantly or not.
But attraction can grow as we notice more subtle things about a person. You initially take in, say, how tall they are, the colour and style of their hair, their body shape, as well as the style of clothes they are wearing. Then you add to this what their body language tells you. Subconsciously or consciously you might register things such as that they hold themselves in a confident way, they look relaxed and laugh a lot, they seem to be the centre of attention with all eyes on them, or the opposite of these things.
What's interesting is the interaction between absolute physical attributes and the signs and signals you pick up from someone else's body language. Let's say you're a woman who doesn't tend to go for short men. You're out with a friend and notice a man who's about five foot six – shorter than average. Your 'lust-interest radar' goes into neutral mode because he hasn't immediately grabbed your attention by being the six-foot strapping man you normally choose. Out of the corner of your eye you notice, though, how all his friends gather round him and listen to the stories he tells. You notice his confidence and personal energy. He then looks at you, smiles briefly and you think to yourself, 'He's rather attractive for a short man.' And who knows where it will go from there?
Survival of the Fittest
Once we've registered someone's physical attributes and body language, what happens next? Your subconscious mind goes into overdrive. This is because the elements of you being attracted to someone, or not, are rooted in your evolutionary biology. The whole point of men and women getting together in terms of evolution was to make babies and propagate the species. Of course, some men are attracted to men and some women are attracted to women, but that aside, essentially attraction evolved to ensure people mated.
As the millennia have passed, the ways people seduce each other and the rules of attraction may have altered due to the social attitudes of different generations. However, we still can't escape the fact that, at a biological level, certain physical attributes attract us. This mechanism helps to ensure the survival of the fittest.
What Men Look For
Men will immediately register the reproductive health of a woman, whether they know it or not. Subconsciously, they notice the physical signs of good reproductive health, including a youthful face with healthy teeth, wide doe-like eyes, a nipped-in waistline, full hips, and full and high breasts. These physical attributes signal a healthy woman of child-bearing age.
What Women Look For
At a subconscious level, women register a man's physical attributes such as his shoulders being wider than his waistline (the classic V shape), firm buttocks and muscle tone, as well as stature. Again, these signal at a subconscious level that he's a good potential mate for her and a father for her offspring.
That said, many people are attracted to and aroused by specific individual attributes. One man might be a 'breast man', attracted to any breasts or a specific type, such as small and pert ones, or large and round breasts, while another man might be a 'leg man'. One woman might be attracted to a muscular, stocky, testosterone-fuelled physique, while another might prefer a slender man.
Add to this the fact that other aspects alter how you might normally feel about someone. For example, a woman's attraction to a man might be affected by the different stages of her menstrual cycle. Some research suggests that women are attracted to more masculine types during the period of ovulation, and as their cycle nears their point of menstruation they are more attracted to men with softer features.
Excerpted from How to Tease and Please Your Lover by Pam Spurr. Copyright © 2007 Pam Spurr. Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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