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Overview

(This guide is also available as part of the bundle "The Collected BABU Guides: Volume One")

How many times have you bristled at the trappings of humanity? The indignity of wiping your own bottom? The monotony of preparing and cooking your own food? How many times on the way to work have you seen a cat happily sleeping in the sun and felt a pang of jealousy? Does the phrase ...
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How to Turn Into a Cat

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Overview

(This guide is also available as part of the bundle "The Collected BABU Guides: Volume One")

How many times have you bristled at the trappings of humanity? The indignity of wiping your own bottom? The monotony of preparing and cooking your own food? How many times on the way to work have you seen a cat happily sleeping in the sun and felt a pang of jealousy? Does the phrase “reflexes of a cat” make you feel pretty shitty about your own reflexes?

Well, have you ever thought about doing anything about it?

You’re probably rolling your eyes right now, confident in the knowledge that there’s nothing you can do about it. If so, you’re what my domme calls an “ignorant little worm”. I may be happy with that type of assessment, but it’s my understanding that most people aren’t. Doesn’t it bother you to be called ignorant little worms? Doesn’t it? Does it? C’mon, tell me!

Wepsters dictionary defines “cat” as “Noun: Furry, one foot by two feet by six inches. Four legs, one tail. Stroke ’im one way, he purr. Stroke ’im other way, he hiss. No fatties.” Sounds like a sweet gig to me.

But why would you specifically (yes, you!) want to become a cat? Good question. Though your reasons will be largely personal, here are a few that I imagine will appeal to everyone:

Free love with furries
Survive falling from any height (supposedly)
Maybe Brian Setzer will write songs about you(!)
You’ll finally be able to lick yourself clean in public and people will think it’s cute
You get to make a lot more noise while having sex, embarrassment free, and people will throw free shoes at you!
Eight nipples! (females AND males!)
Anyone accusing you of being catty will sound stupid instead of fierce like otherwise
You’ll be able to laugh like Heathcliff (the cartoon cat, not the character from Wuthering, Wuthering, Wuthering Heights, who didn’t really laugh much at all anyway)
It’ll stop being weird that you masturbate to cat photos

Need a little help making the decision? Then consider these opinions:

“Meow, meow. Purr.”
-Eric Dolby, satisfied customer

“Listen to me you worthless hunks of flesh! I’m expensive, and if you don’t buy this book Charley won’t be able to hire me anymore. You should feel bad about that, but not as much as he will.”
-Cherry Brixton Steel, Charlemagne’s domme (unlisted, by invitation only)

“Who cares what the book’s actually about? I’ve read it, and you haven’t. That makes me better than you. Fact. Oh look, I think I’ll buy even more of Charlemagne’s books. Oh boy, I’m going to be so much smarter than you!”
-Jerry Crostner, Bloomvilleton, Illinois

Pretty convincing, huh? Yeah, I thought so. So look, the guide’s about 3,300 words, yeah? You go do whatever you have to, I’m going to sit here and watch the cash money roll into my bank account, Goodwriter style. Thanks!

Disclaimer:
As with all BABU (Building A Better yoU) guide books, this is for entertainment and not education. Any actual facts or solutions found in this guide are completely coincidental and everything should be taken with good humor and a grain of salt. All user testimonials have been fictionalized to protect the author.
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Product Details

  • BN ID: 2940149305773
  • Publisher: BABU Guides
  • Publication date: 3/9/2014
  • Sold by: Barnes & Noble
  • Format: eBook
  • File size: 414 KB

Meet the Author

If you can accurately judge a book by it's cover (and you certainly can), then you should be able to judge an author by their name (and you certainly can't). That's why Charlemagne Goodwriter chose the pen name he did to release his ridiculous and satirical guides under. When he's not in the thick of it researching topics such as transmogrification and boner hiding, Charlemagne enjoys reading, books, reading books, writing bio's for online marketplaces and, of course, speaking about himself in the third person.
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