How to Unspoil Your Child Fast: A Speedy, Complete Guide to Contented Children and Happy Parents

From the Introduction

Are our children indulged and spoiled?

Check out the numbers. According to a 2007 survey conducted by AOL and the family magazine Cookie, 94 percent of parents say their children are spoiled, up from the 80 percent measured by a 1991 Time and CNN poll. This percentage may sound high, but to me the question is, Who are these other 6 percent, and who are they kidding? Though you might be years from thinking about your child's adolescence, consider these sobering statistics: A Schwab Foundation survey found that 31 percent of teens owe an average of $230, and 14 percent owe more than $1,000! Is it any wonder that about half of these teens expressed concern about whether they would ever be able to repay these debts? In another poll that sampled the wealthiest 1 percent of Americans, 57 percent of parents felt that their children had failed to learn the value of money and how to work for it. And in a Center for a New American Dream survey, a vast majority of parents (87 percent) reported that the consumerism of modern society makes instilling good values in their children a much harder job. That the amount of advertising dollars targeting youths is nearing $20 billion-$20 billion!-and is being aimed at younger children, even toddlers, underscores the fact that parents' fears are well founded.

The numbers don't lie, and there are too many of them to ignore or dismiss as random static or propaganda from any one interest group. The overindulgence that's epidemic in America and most other industrialized countries is an equal-opportunity illness. It plagues the rich, the middle class, and the poor, without regard for a family's race, religion, or politics.

But those are statistics about all children. Let's talk about specific children-children like six-year-old Gabe. In his short life, Gabe has already made substantial progress in his quest for every set in the Playmobil catalog. Last I heard, Gabe had saved $200 of his "own" money to put toward an expensive Playmobil collector's set that his parents agreed to purchase on his behalf the exact day that he has enough money, a goal he expects to reach quickly. Callie is a bright kindergartner whose demands and tantrums hold her parents hostage. Callie's intelligent parents struggle through day after day of perpetually surrendering and kowtowing to their petite daughter's every whim and wish.

Eleven-year-old Ashanti wears only first-run designer fashions while her hardworking mother buys her own professional wardrobe at outlet and discount stores. Ashanti thinks in terms of outfits, so her frequent shopping sprees include "necessities" such as matching footwear, jewelry, and even makeup.

Four-year-old Clark, though he is a strong, healthy, and athletic boy, likes to be carried by his mother-everywhere and all the time. When Clark's mother needs to do something or her arms get tired, Clark screams as if the ground were made of hot coals. In many ways, Clark's mother treats Clark as if he were still an infant. Last but not least, the third grader Devin insists on not only what he wants but also what everyone should want. Devin serves as uninvited consultant to all of his parents' decisions: the color laptop his mother bought, the car options his father chose, the restaurants the family eats at, the movies they see, and the driving routes his parents take.

For thirty years now, as a psychologist working with children and families, I have heard and seen the stress, misery, annoyance, and inconvenience of spoiled children. More so, I have been called in when the fallout of that indulgence has begun to surface or take hold, when children have become impossible to live with or have grown constantly unhappy and insatiable. Frequently, I've entered the scene after many years or even a decade of overindulgence, when parents bring in their malcontented teens who are unable to manage the trials and tasks of growing up toward adulthood. And often I've found that, whatever the child's and the family's issues, parents' straightening out their indulgent parenting has helped to improve everything.

I've written this book with one simple and clear mission: to help parents unspoil their spoiled children. Though the book can help parents to remedy overindulged adolescents, it is aimed squarely at parents of young children, ages two to twelve years old. My method is based on what parents have taught me, over thirty years of clinical experience, about raising children who are contented, happy, and fulfilled. There's little virtue in reinventing your own parenting wheel. Why shouldn't you and your child profit and learn from other parents' missteps, trials, and errors?

But, as we all know, there are plenty of good books out there already on child rearing, discipline, and raising children with moral character. Why another one, and why this one?

Traditional books on parenting are long, dense, and require parents to read through many substantive chapters of background and theory before getting to the punch line, a final chapter of advice. As a parent of grown children, I recall the exhaustion, confusion, and frustration. The parents of young children I know are overworked and overextended. A majority of the single parents I know are even more overworked and overextended. The parents who need this kind of book have the least time, energy, and attention to read books about parenting or anything else.

And so I have aspired to write a book that presents what's important in a format that goes down fast and easy. The strategies of this book are clear and doable-they are based on a solid and deep understanding of children and parents. While the method works quickly, it in no way represents fast-food-style parenting. In addition to improving home life, the methods herein can transform children's insides, promoting their capability and resilience in handling life today and tomorrow.

The book itself consists of twenty-seven chapters that, step by step, help parents build "unspoiling" attitudes and behaviors. Each chapter centers on a short anecdote, case study, or idea that aims to make its points vivid, tangible, and memorable. Chapters include tips and strategies that translate these points to real life and real unspoiling. Early chapters offer a process to quickly reestablish and extend parents' place in the family and at home. Later chapters focus on the best parenting practices to handle common issues that arise during unspoiling, like discipline, unspoiling in public, and unspoiling yourself. The sum of these chapters will, I hope and trust, remind mothers and fathers of their own powers, thereby transforming their parenting from spoiling to its opposite. Each and every chapter, from the get-go, is designed to move you closer to unspooling parenting and an unspoiled child.

As the adage goes, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. A few lucky parents will read this before they have gone down a harder road. They will have little to retrace and amend. The book will be a guide to continuing their constructive ways.

The good news is that, for the rest of you, those who've already slipped into a spoiling routine, there is plenty of time to make it right. It's not too late. Start this book and its methods today, and before you know it, your child and family will be looking more like you'd once imagined them. And soon enough, when you peek in the mirror, you'll be looking a little more like the parent you want to be.