How to Win a Fight With a Liberal [NOOK Book]

Overview

Learn to take down those Loony Lefties!



Have you ever contemplated calling Homeland Security to report some hapless liberal as an enemy combatant?



Or did you just want to "occupy" his mouth with your fist?



No matter the flavor of...

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How to Win a Fight With a Liberal

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Overview

Learn to take down those Loony Lefties!



Have you ever contemplated calling Homeland Security to report some hapless liberal as an enemy combatant?



Or did you just want to "occupy" his mouth with your fist?



No matter the flavor of your clueless left-wing adversary,
here's a survival guide for anyone who's fantasized about smacking down a liberal moon bat.



Learn how to:


• Taunt mindless Obama lovers and hopeless tax-andspenders with snappy sound bites

• Determine if you suffer from argumentile dysfunction and avoid the 7 Habits of Highly Ineffective Partisans

• Survive family sparring matches, manage workplace squabbles, and learn to cope if you're sleeping with the enemy

• Hone your BS detector to help you identify left-wing lies and crimes against logic

• Use liberals' words against them with a handy compilation of idiotic left-wing quotes



It's time to defend America against every godless, gun-grabbing,
tax-hiking, socialism-loving, shower-avoiding lunatic in your midst.



If you want to battle tree-hugging hippies,
consider this your chainsaw!

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What People Are Saying

Paul Lewis
"Sharply critical and consistently funny, How to Win a Fight with A Liberal and How to Win A Fight with a Conservative hold twin mirrors up to the illogical state of political debate in our divided country. Though they can be enjoyed for their wit alone, attentive readers will get Kurtzman's satirical point: in the exchange of pre-fabricated positions, the appeal to emotion, and the indulgence of self-approval, we have limited our ability to think clearly about urgent problems. Exposing such failures and mocking those responsible for them is the highest calling of the satirist."--(Paul Lewis, author of Cracking Up: American Humor in a Time of Conflict)
Will Durst
"Daniel Kurtzman doesn't have a political axe to grind. He has two axes to grind. And he does it with the sharpest wit seen in these bipartisan parts for quite some time. Crisscrossing the aisle with wicked glee; no matter which book you finish first, you'll immediately want to run out and get the other one to discover what he said about your side. Just remember to wear a disguise."--(Will Durst, political satirist, currently starring in "The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing")
Andy Borowitz
"No one knows political satire like Daniel Kurtzman."--(Andy Borowitz, creator of The Borowitz Report and author of The Republican Playbook)
Gregg Spiridellis
"When the folks over at JibJab are looking for a fair and balanced laugh, Daniel Kurtzman's our guy. His How to Win a Fight with a Liberal / Conservative will have you in stitches regardless of your political affiliation!"--(Gregg Spiridellis, co-founder of JibJab.com)
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781402265747
  • Publisher: Sourcebooks, Incorporated
  • Publication date: 6/1/2012
  • Sold by: Barnes & Noble
  • Format: eBook
  • Pages: 224
  • Sales rank: 747,826
  • File size: 814 KB

Meet the Author

Daniel Kurtzman chronicles the absurdities of politics as editor of politicalhumor.about.com, the popular website that is part of The New York Times Company's About.com network. A former Washington correspondent-turned-political satirist, his work has appeared in the San Francisco Chronicle and Salon.com, among other publications. As an equal opportunity offender, Kurtzman is also the author of How to Win a Fight with a Liberal.
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Read an Excerpt

Introduction



“Many are asking if our political discourse has gotten too heated. And those people should go to hell!”


—Stephen Colbert



Have you ever become so infuriated while arguing with a raving liberal moonbat that you’ve seriously considered “occupying” his mouth with your fist?


How many times have you listened to the delusional rantings of an obnoxious colleague, loudmouthed uncle, or neighborhood blowhard while fantasizing about delivering the verbal smackdown they so richly deserve?


Or perhaps you’ve already called Homeland Security to report your liberal opponent as an enemy combatant and volunteered your waterboarding services.


We’ve all been there—butting heads with some half-wit who refuses to submit to the inevitable wisdom of our political views. Whether you’re a conservative, Republican, Tea Partier, libertarian, independent, or someone who’s just tired of liberals and their idiocy, chances are those lefties have made you mad as hell, and since you picked up this book, you probably can’t take it anymore.


But if you’re like most people, your past attempts at butting heads with liberals have probably gone one of two ways: (1) you’ve tried reasoning with them, only to walk away with that throbbing pain that comes from banging your head against a wall of stupid; or (2) you’ve tried screaming at liberals, only to make yourself hoarse while they go about their business of picking your pocket and redistributing your wealth into the nearest compost pile.


Either way, who could blame you if you’ve decided that arguing with liberals is a hopeless cause? You probably figure it’s best to simply avoid them, just as you would a crazy person ranting on a street corner (because sometimes it’s better to leave Al Sharpton alone with his thoughts).


But unfortunately, that’s part of the problem with political discourse in America today. Too many reasonable people shy away from debate and let their more determined and vocal left-wing rivals spew their nonsense with impunity. Left unchallenged, it then spreads across the political landscape like herpes. Soon it’s everywhere—flaring up at neighborhood barbecues, encroaching upon you at the office water cooler, or, when you’re least expecting it, creeping into your Facebook news feed.


By continuing to stay silent, you let them win. That’s why if you want to defeat the Left, you must confront your enemies wherever they lurk and be prepared to rip them a new reality.


We won’t lie to you. Beating liberals into submission is a tall order, especially in this political climate, where so many have insulated themselves in such airtight ideological cocoons that no inconvenient fact or droplet of common sense can penetrate it. It’s like the Fort Knox of willful ignorance.


So what’s an honest, liberal-loathing American to do?


The answer is to fight them with laughter. That’s where this book comes in handy. We’re not talking about turning political debate into a joke or making a mockery of serious issues. It’s about learning how to wield humor as a weapon, cultivate your sense of irony, and sharpen your arguments with witty retorts. It’s about learning to lighten things up as a way to maintain your own sanity and disarm your opponents.


Mark Twain once said, “The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.” It’s especially true in political debate. Just think of one of the most effective lines ever used in a presidential debate, when Ronald Reagan was asked during his 1984 face-off with Walter Mondale if his advanced age was a liability. “I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign,” Reagan said. “I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent’s youth and inexperience.”


In addition to helping you wage comedic warfare, this book also offers other handy tips that will help you outwit, out-mock, and outrage your liberal rivals. We will show you how to:



  • Learn basic rules of engagement, including how to frame arguments to your advantage, point out hypocrisy, and properly ridicule your opponents when necessary.



  • Throw winning comebacks at mindless Obama lovers, tax-and-spend ignoramuses, and other purveyors of liberal nonsense.



  • Determine if you suffer from argumentile dysfunction and, if so, learn how to avoid deadly pitfalls, such as promoting conspiracy theories, using Nazi analogies, or making the mistake of arguing with idiots.



  • Identify bullshit arguments, slice through Swiss-cheese logic, and expose fallacious reasoning.



  • Survive family sparring matches, manage workplace squabbles, and even learn to cope if you’re sleeping with the enemy.



  • Entertain your friends and terrify your enemies while arguing politics on Facebook and Twitter.



  • Use liberals’ own words and deeds against them with the help of a handy guide to some of the most ridiculous, moronic, and laughable things today’s liberal icons have said and done.



  • Should all else fail, hurl imaginative insults at your unmedicated, un-American opponents by selecting from a handy cheat sheet containing 125,000 winning putdowns.




Politics was never meant to be a spectator sport. Political debate is simply too important to be left to the so-called experts in Washington and the media, who invariably just screw it up for the rest of us. That’s why it falls on ordinary citizens like you to take the fight to the Left and defend America against all the godless, bongo-playing, gun-grabbing, tax-hiking, granny-euthanizing, park-occupying, shower-avoiding socialists and the ideals for which they stand.


If you don’t, the moonbats have already won.

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Table of Contents

Contents


Introduction


Chapter 1: What It Means to be a Conservative


What Breed of Conservative Are You?


The Conservative Manifesto


Rate Your Partisan Intensity Quotient (PIQ)


What's Your State of Embattlement?


Chapter 2: Know Your Enemy


The Liberal Manifesto


Frequently Asked Questions about Liberals


A Field Guide to the Liberal Genus


Other Liberal Species You May Encounter


How to Rate a Liberal's Partisan Intensity Quotient (PIQ)


A Glimpse into the Liberal Utopia


Chapter 3: Can't We All Just Get Along


A Day in the Life of Conservatives vs. Liberals


Battle of the Bumper Stickers


What Conservatives Say vs. What Liberals Hear


What Liberals Say vs. What Conservatives Hear


Common Enemies We Can All Agree to Hate


Chapter 4: Basic Training


The Seven Habits of Highly Ineffective Partisans


Do You Suffer from Argumentile Dysfunction?


How Not to Be an Asshole


The Ten Commandments of Partisan Warfare


How to Avoid Unhinged Lunatics


How to Detect Bullshit


How to Trip Up a Bullshitter


How to Spot Logical Fallacies


How to Win When You Can't Win Them Over


Chapter 5: How to Win Friends While Antagonizing People


How to Survive Family Sparring Matches


What to Do If You're Sleeping with the Enemy


How to Manage Workplace Squabbles


How to Clash with Perfect Strangers


How to Argue Politics on Facebook and Twitter


How to Properly Engage in Internet Flame Wars


Chapter 6: Kick-Ass Comebacks to Liberal Nonsense


How to Argue with Mindless Obama Lovers


How to Argue with Economic Ignoramuses


How to Clash with Clueless Liberals on Hot-Button Issues


How to Rebut Other Liberal Drivel


Chapter 7: The Liberal Hall of Shame


The Wing of Sex Fiends, Perverts, and Adulterers


The Wing of Douche Bags and Morons


Chapter 8: How to Use Liberals' Own Words against Them


Stunningly Moronic Liberal Quotes


Ridiculous, Outrageous, and Delusional Liberal Quotes


Crazy Quotes by Celebrity Nut Jobs and Media Blowhards


After-words


When All Else Fails: 125,000 Ways to Insult Liberals


Acknowledgments


About the Author


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Customer Reviews

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  • Anonymous

    Posted February 25, 2008

    A reviewer

    This book is hilarious, outrageous, and dead-on with its commentary about liberals and politics in general. I first heard about it on a conservative blog that linked to an interactive 'what breed of conservative are you?' quiz excerpted from the book. I took the quiz and it was spot-on for me and also hilarious. The book is loaded with humorous tips, lists, and quizzes, and one of my favorite parts is the Liberal Hall of Shame that mocks the crazies on the left. There's humor throughout the book even in chapters that are geared to specific debating strategies. This book makes the potentially dry subject of politics lively and entertaining.

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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