As this audiobook opens with patriotic drums rolling, Colbert launches into his introduction, his delivery reminiscent of a sergeant firing up the troops before battle. America is under siege, he declares. And the enemy? The liberal media, Hollywood, heirloom tomatoes and, yes, even baby carrots, which he says "are trying to turn me gay." That's the Truth as Colbert sees it, and this audio, as well-produced as an episode of The Colbert Report, is the perfect vehicle for his off-the-cuff (and off-the-wall) humor. A mariachi band plays as Colbert advocates building a 2,000-mile-long wall between the U.S. and Mexico, and spooky music underscores his future opinions ("Just because something is unknowable doesn't mean I don't have some strong opinions about it"). Periodically, other readers chime in for the "Stephen Speaks for Me" segments, expertly embodying such characters as God, an old spinster and an overzealous football fan. Those who can't get enough of the Reportwill savor this savvy satire, including the packaging-which bears a hilarious illustration of Colbert as the Hulk. Simultaneous release with the Grand Central hardcover (Reviews, Aug. 20). (Oct.)Copyright 2007 Reed Business Information
I Am America (And So Can You!)by Stephen Colbert
I AM AMERICA (AND SO CAN YOU!) is Stephen Colbert's attempt to wedge his brain between hardback covers. In plain conversational language, not to mention the occasional grunt and/or whistle, Stephen explains his take on the most pressing concerns of our culture: Faith, Family, Politics...Hygiene.See more details below
I AM AMERICA (AND SO CAN YOU!) is Stephen Colbert's attempt to wedge his brain between hardback covers. In plain conversational language, not to mention the occasional grunt and/or whistle, Stephen explains his take on the most pressing concerns of our culture: Faith, Family, Politics...Hygiene.
I Am America (And So Can You!) is available both as a book and as a recording read by the author -- each serving as yin to the other's yang. Why try to imagine Colbert speaking the words on the page when, for a few dollars more, you can actually experience it?Audio File
- Grand Central Publishing
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- 7.00(w) x 9.10(h) x 0.80(d)
Read an Excerpt
I Am America (And So Can You!)
By Stephen Colbert
Grand Central PublishingCopyright © 2007 Spartina Productions, Inc.
All right reserved.
IntroductionI AM NO FAN OF BOOKS. AND CHANCES ARE, IF YOU'RE READING THIS, YOU AND I SHARE A HEALTHY SKEPTICISM ABOUT THE PRINTED WORD. WELL, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS IS THE FIRST BOOK I'VE EVER WRITTEN, AND I HOPE IT'S THE FIRST BOOK YOU'VE EVER READ. DON'T MAKE A HABIT OF IT.
How many American Flags can you find in this paragraph?
Now, you might ask yourself, if by yourself you mean me, "Stephen, if you don't like books, why did you write one?" You just asked yourself a trick question. I didn't write it. I dictated it. I shouted it into a tape recorder over the Columbus Day weekend, then handed it to my agent and said, "Sell this." He's the one who turned it into a book. It's his funeral.
But I get your "drift." Why even dictate?
Well, like a lot of other dictators, there is one man's opinion I value above all others. Mine. And folks, I have a lot of opinions. I'm like Lucy trying to keep up with the candy at the chocolate factory. I can barely put them in my mouth fast enough.
In fact, I have so many opinions, I have overwhelmed my ability to document myself. I thought my nightly broadcast, The Colbert Report (check your local listings), would pick up some of the slack. But here's the dirty little secret. When the cameras go off, I'm still talking. And right now all that opinion is going to waste, like seed on barren ground. Well no more. It's time to impregnate this country with my mind.
Sorry margin-huggers, but I've got some opinions over here, too. Deal with it.
See, at one time America was pure. Men were men, women were women, and gays were "confirmed bachelors." But somewhere around the late 60's, it became "groovy" to "let it all hang out" while you "kept on truckin'" stopping only to "give a hoot." And today, Lady Liberty is under attack from the cable channels, the internet blogs, and the Hollywood celebritocracy, out there spewing "facts" like so many locusts descending on America's crop of ripe, tender values. And as any farmer or biblical scholar will tell you, locusts are damn hard to get rid of.
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I said on the very first episode of The Colbert Report that, together, I was going to change the world, and I've kept up my end of the bargain. But it's not changing fast enough. Last time I checked my supermarket still sold yogurt. From France! See a pattern? Turns out, it takes more than thirty minutes a night to fix everything that's destroying America, and that's where this book comes in. It's not just some collection of reasoned arguments supported by facts. That's the coward's way out.
Half an hour not enough
This book is Truth. My Truth.
I deliver my Truth hot and hard. Fast and Furious. So either accept it without hesitation or get out of the way, because somebody might get hurt, and it's not going to be me.
It's going to be you
Think you can handle it?
I'm scared of Koreans.
Bam! That's me off the cuff. Blunt and in your face. No editing. I think it. I say it. You read it. Sometimes I don't even think it, I just say it.
Baby carrots are trying to turn me gay.
Don't put this book down
See? I'm not pulling any punches. I'm telling it like it is. Get used to it or put this book down. Because this book is for America's Heroes. And who are the Heroes? The people who bought this book. That bears repeating. People who borrow this book are not Heroes. They are no better then welfare queens mooching off the system like card-carrying library card-carriers. For the record, we're not offering this book to libraries. No free rides.
Rides cost money
Okay, now it's my turn to ask a question: What do I want from you? Good question.
Just because I haven't put a lot of thought into this book doesn't mean you shouldn't. I want you to read this book carefully. Savor my ideas. Memorize pertinent passages. Eat with it, sleep with it, let nature take its course.
Because what I have dictated is nothing less than a Constitution for the Colbert Nation. And, like our Founding Fathers, I hold my Truths to be self-evident, which is why I did absolutely no research.
I didn't need to. The only research I needed was a long hard look in the mirror. For this book is My Story and, as such, it is the American Story.
Minus the Fruited Plains. (See Chapter 7-Homosexuals)
I am reminded of the words of Walt Whitman, the nineteenth-century poet, naturalist, and all around man's man, who, through his epic lyricism, defined the character of this new nation. He said,
"I celebrate myself, and sing myself, And what I assume, you shall assume."
That "I" he was talking about? It's me.
Bottom line: Read this book. Be me.
I Am America (And So Can You!)
by Stephen Colbert
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