I Am America (And So Can You!)
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I Am America (And So Can You!)

4.3 207
by Stephen Colbert, Paul Dinello, Allison Silverman, Richard Dahm
     
 

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Congratulations -- just by opening the cover of this book you became 25% more patriotic.

From Stephen Colbert, the host of television's highest-rated punditry show The Colbert Report, comes the book to fill the other 23½ hours of your day. I Am America (and So Can You!) contains all of the opinions that Stephen doesn't have time to shoehorn into his

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Overview

Congratulations -- just by opening the cover of this book you became 25% more patriotic.

From Stephen Colbert, the host of television's highest-rated punditry show The Colbert Report, comes the book to fill the other 23½ hours of your day. I Am America (and So Can You!) contains all of the opinions that Stephen doesn't have time to shoehorn into his nightly broadcast.

Dictated directly into a microcassette recorder over a three-day weekend, this book contains Stephen's most deeply held knee-jerk beliefs on The American Family, Race, Religion, Sex, Sports, and many more topics, conveniently arranged in chapter form.

Always controversial and outspoken, Stephen addresses why Hollywood is destroying America by inches, why evolution is a fraud, and why the elderly should be harnessed to millstones.

You may not agree with everything Stephen says, but at the very least, you'll understand that your differing opinion is wrong.

I Am America (and So Can You!) showcases Stephen Colbert at his most eloquent and impassioned. He is an unrelenting fighter for the soul of America, and in this book he fights the good fight for the traditional values that have served this country so well for so long.

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Editorial Reviews

Publishers Weekly

As this audiobook opens with patriotic drums rolling, Colbert launches into his introduction, his delivery reminiscent of a sergeant firing up the troops before battle. America is under siege, he declares. And the enemy? The liberal media, Hollywood, heirloom tomatoes and, yes, even baby carrots, which he says "are trying to turn me gay." That's the Truth as Colbert sees it, and this audio, as well-produced as an episode of The Colbert Report, is the perfect vehicle for his off-the-cuff (and off-the-wall) humor. A mariachi band plays as Colbert advocates building a 2,000-mile-long wall between the U.S. and Mexico, and spooky music underscores his future opinions ("Just because something is unknowable doesn't mean I don't have some strong opinions about it"). Periodically, other readers chime in for the "Stephen Speaks for Me" segments, expertly embodying such characters as God, an old spinster and an overzealous football fan. Those who can't get enough of the Reportwill savor this savvy satire, including the packaging-which bears a hilarious illustration of Colbert as the Hulk. Simultaneous release with the Grand Central hardcover (Reviews, Aug. 20). (Oct.)

Copyright 2007 Reed Business Information
Kirkus Reviews
The fabulously fatuous father of "truthiness" and other neocon mantras expands his media icon with the obligatory book-and, read in the proper spirit, it's a lot of fun. So do we take Colbert, of Comedy Central's The Colbert Report, seriously? Is he a persona or the real thing? Is he only in it for the money? No, that would be Ann Coulter, or maybe Friedrich Nietzsche, whose autobiography contained chapter titles such as "Why I Am Such a Genius" and "Why I Am Immortal." Colbert has a few more self-doubts than Nietzsche, if only for the sake of modesty. Would fellow blowhard Bill O'Reilly, for instance, ever confess to being frightened by baby carrots? Probably not, though, to judge by his books, O'Reilly would surely endorse Colbert's contention that such seemingly innocent but too-cute things are a gateway drug to gayness. Stranger theories have been proposed (where is Anita Bryant when you need her?), but no satisfactory argument has been mounted against it, and in all events the critics of Colbert are only those who do not "accept Jesus as my personal editor," namely "cable channels, the internet blogs, and the Hollywood celebritocracy, out there spewing ‘facts' like so many locusts descending on America's crop of ripe, tender values." Like John Hodgman's The Areas of My Expertise, Colbert's litmus test of a book seems meant to be taken seriously only by those who get the joke, in which case the thing is very funny indeed. If, however, it is taken seriously to the point that the reader really starts believing that baby carrots are homoerotogenic, or that Koreans are evil, or that George Bush knows what he's doing, then it's time to take the book gently from that reader and commit saidperson to a nice quiet spell in the home for the bewildered. The answer, therefore, is yes, take Colbert seriously. Like a heart attack. Or like Lenny Bruce.
Audio File
I Am America (And So Can You!) is available both as a book and as a recording read by the author -- each serving as yin to the other's yang. Why try to imagine Colbert speaking the words on the page when, for a few dollars more, you can actually experience it?
Print This
Stephen Colbert's I Am America (And So Can You), narrated by Colbert with Paul Dinello, Kevin Dorff, Greg Hollimon, Evie McGee, David Pasquesi, Allison Silverman, Brian Stack and Jon Stewart and published by Hachette Audio.
From the Publisher
Stephen Colbert's I Am America (And So Can You), narrated by Colbert with Paul Dinello, Kevin Dorff, Greg Hollimon, Evie McGee, David Pasquesi, Allison Silverman, Brian Stack and Jon Stewart and published by Hachette Audio.—Print This

I Am America (And So Can You!) is available both as a book and as a recording read by the author — each serving as yin to the other's yang. Why try to imagine Colbert speaking the words on the page when, for a few dollars more, you can actually experience it?—Audio File

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Product Details

ISBN-13:
9780446580502
Publisher:
Grand Central Publishing
Publication date:
10/09/2007
Pages:
240
Product dimensions:
7.20(w) x 9.20(h) x 1.00(d)

Read an Excerpt

I Am America (And So Can You!)


By Stephen Colbert

Grand Central Publishing

Copyright © 2007 Spartina Productions, Inc.
All right reserved.

ISBN: 978-0-446-58050-2


Introduction

I AM NO FAN OF BOOKS. AND CHANCES ARE, IF YOU'RE READING THIS, YOU AND I SHARE A HEALTHY SKEPTICISM ABOUT THE PRINTED WORD. WELL, I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS IS THE FIRST BOOK I'VE EVER WRITTEN, AND I HOPE IT'S THE FIRST BOOK YOU'VE EVER READ. DON'T MAKE A HABIT OF IT.

How many American Flags can you find in this paragraph?

Now, you might ask yourself, if by yourself you mean me, "Stephen, if you don't like books, why did you write one?" You just asked yourself a trick question. I didn't write it. I dictated it. I shouted it into a tape recorder over the Columbus Day weekend, then handed it to my agent and said, "Sell this." He's the one who turned it into a book. It's his funeral.

But I get your "drift." Why even dictate?

Well, like a lot of other dictators, there is one man's opinion I value above all others. Mine. And folks, I have a lot of opinions. I'm like Lucy trying to keep up with the candy at the chocolate factory. I can barely put them in my mouth fast enough.

In fact, I have so many opinions, I have overwhelmed my ability to document myself. I thought my nightly broadcast, The Colbert Report (check your local listings), would pick up some of the slack. But here's the dirty little secret. When the cameras go off, I'm still talking. And right now all that opinion is going to waste, like seed on barren ground. Well no more. It's time to impregnate this country with my mind.

Sorry margin-huggers, but I've got some opinions over here, too. Deal with it.

See, at one time America was pure. Men were men, women were women, and gays were "confirmed bachelors." But somewhere around the late 60's, it became "groovy" to "let it all hang out" while you "kept on truckin'" stopping only to "give a hoot." And today, Lady Liberty is under attack from the cable channels, the internet blogs, and the Hollywood celebritocracy, out there spewing "facts" like so many locusts descending on America's crop of ripe, tender values. And as any farmer or biblical scholar will tell you, locusts are damn hard to get rid of.

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I said on the very first episode of The Colbert Report that, together, I was going to change the world, and I've kept up my end of the bargain. But it's not changing fast enough. Last time I checked my supermarket still sold yogurt. From France! See a pattern? Turns out, it takes more than thirty minutes a night to fix everything that's destroying America, and that's where this book comes in. It's not just some collection of reasoned arguments supported by facts. That's the coward's way out.

Half an hour not enough

This book is Truth. My Truth.

I deliver my Truth hot and hard. Fast and Furious. So either accept it without hesitation or get out of the way, because somebody might get hurt, and it's not going to be me.

It's going to be you

Think you can handle it?

I'm scared of Koreans.

Bam! That's me off the cuff. Blunt and in your face. No editing. I think it. I say it. You read it. Sometimes I don't even think it, I just say it.

Baby carrots are trying to turn me gay.

Don't put this book down

See? I'm not pulling any punches. I'm telling it like it is. Get used to it or put this book down. Because this book is for America's Heroes. And who are the Heroes? The people who bought this book. That bears repeating. People who borrow this book are not Heroes. They are no better then welfare queens mooching off the system like card-carrying library card-carriers. For the record, we're not offering this book to libraries. No free rides.

Rides cost money

Okay, now it's my turn to ask a question: What do I want from you? Good question.

Thank you

Just because I haven't put a lot of thought into this book doesn't mean you shouldn't. I want you to read this book carefully. Savor my ideas. Memorize pertinent passages. Eat with it, sleep with it, let nature take its course.

Because what I have dictated is nothing less than a Constitution for the Colbert Nation. And, like our Founding Fathers, I hold my Truths to be self-evident, which is why I did absolutely no research.

I didn't need to. The only research I needed was a long hard look in the mirror. For this book is My Story and, as such, it is the American Story.

Minus the Fruited Plains. (See Chapter 7-Homosexuals)

I am reminded of the words of Walt Whitman, the nineteenth-century poet, naturalist, and all around man's man, who, through his epic lyricism, defined the character of this new nation. He said,

"I celebrate myself, and sing myself, And what I assume, you shall assume."

That "I" he was talking about? It's me.

Bottom line: Read this book. Be me.

I Am America (And So Can You!)

by Stephen Colbert

(Continues...)



Excerpted from I Am America (And So Can You!) by Stephen Colbert Copyright © 2007 by Spartina Productions, Inc.. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Meet the Author

Stephen Colbert was The Daily Show's longest-running and most diverse correspondent. His personality, insight and overall rightness could only lead to The Colbert Report, a half-hour nightly platform for him to give his take on the issues of the day, and, more importantly, to tell you why everyone else's take is just plain wrong. The show has been hugely successful.

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