I Don't Know How She Does It: The Life of Kate Reddy, Working Mother

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Overview

For every woman trying to strike that impossible balance between work and home-and pretending that she has-and for every woman who has wanted to hurl the acquaintance who coos admiringly, "Honestly, I just don't know how you do it," out a window, here's a novel to make you cringe with recognition and laugh out loud. With fierce, unsentimental irony, Allison Pearson's novel brilliantly dramatizes the dilemma of working motherhood at the start of...
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I Don't Know How She Does It: The Life of Kate Reddy, Working Mother

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Overview

For every woman trying to strike that impossible balance between work and home-and pretending that she has-and for every woman who has wanted to hurl the acquaintance who coos admiringly, "Honestly, I just don't know how you do it," out a window, here's a novel to make you cringe with recognition and laugh out loud. With fierce, unsentimental irony, Allison Pearson's novel brilliantly dramatizes the dilemma of working motherhood at the start of the twenty-first century.

Meet Kate Reddy, hedge-fund manager and mother of two. She can juggle nine different currencies in five different time zones and get herself and two children washed and dressed and out of the house in half an hour. In Kate's life, Everything Goes Perfectly as long as Everything Goes Perfectly. She lies to her own mother about how much time she spends with her kids; practices pelvic floor squeezes in the boardroom; applies tips from Toddler Taming to soothe her irascible boss; uses her cell phone in the office bathroom to procure a hamster for her daughter's birthday ("Any working mother who says she doesn't bribe her kids can add Liar to her résumé"); and cries into the laundry hamper when she misses her children's bedtime.

In a novel that is at once uproariously funny and achingly sad, Allison Pearson captures the guilty secret lives of working women-the self-recrimination, the comic deceptions, the giddy exhaustion, the despair-as no other writer has. Kate Reddy's conflict --How are we meant to pass our days? How are we to reconcile the two passions, work and motherhood, that divide our lives? --gets at the private absurdities of working motherhood as only a novel could: with humor, drama, and bracing wisdom.
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Editorial Reviews

The New Yorker
This novel about the roller-coaster ride of modern motherhood brings its thrills and travails into such terrifying focus that it's practically an IMAX experience, with Lego, Disney videos, and corporate e-mails flying at you from all directions. It opens at 1 A.M. in the kitchen of thirty-five-year-old Kate Reddy, hedge-fund manager and mother of two, who is hitting Sainsbury mince pies with a rolling pin so that they can pass for home-made at her daughter's school: "Now we can manage the orgasms, but we have to fake the mince pies. And they call this progress." The novel's title refers to a remark frequently made by Kate's smug stay-at-home contemporaries, usually right after they've asked when she's switching to part-time. But how long, in fact, will Kate be able to do it -- the sleepless nights, the piggish colleagues, the censorious in-laws, the text message from the nanny, received mid-meeting, informing her that she may have lice? Pearson provides a suspenseful and entertaining answer to this question, but along the way she asks some equally tricky ones about the way we live now.
Publishers Weekly
This scintillating first novel has already taken its author's native England by storm, and in the tradition of Bridget Jones, to which it is likely to be compared, will almost certainly do the same here. The Bridget comparison has only limited validity, however: both books have a winning female protagonist speaking in a diary-like first person, and both have quirkily formulaic chapter endings. But Kate is notably brighter, wittier and capable of infinitely deeper shadings of feeling than the flighty Bridget, and her book cuts deeper. She is the mother of a five-year-old girl and a year-old boy, living in a trendy North London house with her lower-earning architect husband, and is a star at her work in an aggressive City of London brokerage firm. She is intoxicated by her jet-setting, high-profile job, but also is desperately aware of what it takes out of her life as a mother and wife, and scrutinizes, with high intelligence and humor, just how far women have really come in the work world. If that makes the book sound polemical, it is anything but. It is delightfully fast moving and breathlessly readable, with dozens of laugh-aloud moments and many tenderly touching ones-and, for once in a book of this kind, there are some admirable men as well as plenty of bounders. Toward the end-to which a reader is reluctant to come-it becomes a little plot-bound, and everything is rounded off a shade too neatly. But as a hilarious and sometimes poignant update on contemporary women in the workplace, it's the book to beat. Copyright 2002 Cahners Business Information.
Library Journal
Cross Bridget Jones' Diary and The Nanny Diaries, and you get this first novel. Londoner Kate has it all-an incredible job in the financial sector, a loving and supportive husband, two beautiful children, and a wonderful nanny. But having it all doesn't mean that she has time to enjoy it all, and, in fact, she doesn't. Plagued by guilt, she keeps a "must remember" list longer than her arm, shows up for important meetings with baby spit-up on her Armani jacket, and defaces supermarket bakery items so that they will look homemade at her daughter's bake sale. With its chronicle format, lists, and emails, this work is similar to the droves of snappy contemporary novels pouring out of the United Kingdom-but it's more substantial. Pearson has a lot to say about the expectations, internal as well as external, placed on today's working moms. Funny yet heartbreakingly sad, it's a thoughtful read that could lead working mothers to consider life changes. For most fiction collections. [Previewed in Prepub Alert, LJ 6/1/02.]-Beth Gibbs, Davidson, NC Copyright 2002 Cahners Business Information.
Kirkus Reviews
An above-average addition to the crowded genre of working-mother-angst novels, a first from British journalist Pearson, the mate of New Yorker film critic Anthony Lane. Written largely as diary entries by London career woman and mother Kate Reddy, the tale begins at 1:37 one morning as Kate, disdainful of stay-at-home moms but intimidated by their homemaking skills, alters store-bought pies to pass off as homemade at her daughter's school the next day. Kate, whose high-powered job as a funds manager requires long hours and lots of travel abroad, rarely sleeps, but for all her manic activity she spends little time with the children she claims to adore. Readers may feel less than sympathetic with her complaints about husband Richard, a mild-mannered architect actively involved with the children, or about her nanny who doesn't always follow Kate's strict rules, mostly set in absentia, concerning the kids' nutrition. Kate's major crises are about finding cabs to the airport and keeping up with the men in her firm. Though she's filled with guilt and self-pity about lack of involvement with her children, she seems to spend most of her free time writing cutesy e-mails to her friends, who are also career women, and splurging on shoes. Then her life begins to spin out of control. She almost has an affair with a client; her boss's wife, a truly good woman, dies of cancer; Richard gets fed up and moves out; she smokes dope with her cab driver, who turns out to be a philosophy student. She finds her priorities shifting. The clever cattiness of the early chapters gives way to an earnest, endearing introspection that makes it possible for Kate to strike a more satisfying, if almosttoo-perfect-to-believe, balance between family and work. From the upper echelons of working mothers, a fictional answer to The Nanny Diaries-and likely to be as popular.
From the Publisher
“Fast . . . funny . . . heartbreaking. . . . You root for Kate the whole length of her roller coaster ride.” —The New York Times Book Review

“The national anthem for working mothers.” —Oprah Winfrey

“A comic wonder: wildly hilarious, achingly sad, perfectly observed.” —The Miami Herald

“The book every working woman is likely to devour. . . . A hysterical look—in both the laughing and crying senses of the word—at the life of Supermom.” —The New York Times

“Think of Kate Reddy as Bridget Jones’ older, harried, married working-mother-of-two sister. . . . Hilarious.” —Entertainment Weekly

“Perfectly captures the driven days and frequently sleep-deprived nights of that modern mammal, the working mother . . . with acute humor, piercing insight and more than a touch of tenderness.” —New York Daily News

“The definitive social comedy of working motherhood.” —The Washington Post

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780375713750
  • Publisher: Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group
  • Publication date: 8/26/2003
  • Edition description: Reprint
  • Pages: 337
  • Sales rank: 529,567
  • Product dimensions: 5.23 (w) x 8.03 (h) x 0.77 (d)

Meet the Author

Allison Pearson, an award-winning journalist and author, is a staff writer for the London Daily Telegraph. Her first novel, I Don’t Know How She Does It, became an international bestseller and was translated into thirty-two languages. She is a patron of Camfed, a charity that supports the education of thousands of African girls. Pearson lives in Cambridge with her husband and their two children.

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Read an Excerpt

Home

Monday, 1:37 a.m. How did I get here? Can someone please tell me that? Not in this kitchen, I mean in this life. It is the morning of the school carol concert and I am hitting mince pies. No, let us be quite clear about this, I am distressing mince pies, an altogether more demanding and subtle process.

Discarding the Sainsbury luxury packaging, I winkle the pies out of their pleated foil cups, place them on a chopping board and bring down a rolling pin on their blameless floury faces. This is not as easy as it sounds, believe me. Hit the pies too hard and they drop a kind of fat-lady curtsy, skirts of pastry bulging out at the sides, and the fruit starts to ooze. But with a firm downward motion—imagine enough pressure to crush a small beetle—you can start a crumbly little landslide, giving the pastry a pleasing homemade appearance. And homemade is what I'm after here. Home is where the heart is. Home is where the good mother is, baking for her children.

All this trouble because of a letter Emily brought back from school ten days ago, now stuck on the fridge with a Tinky Winky magnet, asking if "parents could please make a voluntary contribution of appropriate festive refreshments" for the Christmas party they always put on after the carols. The note is printed in berry red and at the bottom, next to Miss Empson's signature, there is a snowman wearing a mortarboard and a shy grin. But do not be deceived by the strenuous tone of informality or the outbreak of chummy exclamation marks!!! Oh, no. Notes from school are written in code, a code buried so cunningly in the text that it could only be deciphered at Bletchley Park or by guilty women in the advanced stages of sleep deprivation.

Take that word "parents," for example. When they write parents what they really mean, what they still mean, is mothers. (Has a father who has a wife on the premises ever read a note from school? Technically, it's not impossible, I suppose, but the note will have been a party invitation and, furthermore, it will have been an invitation to a party that has taken place at least ten days earlier.) And "voluntary"? Voluntary is teacher-speak for "On pain of death and/or your child failing to gain a place at the senior school of your choice." As for "appropriate festive refreshments," these are definitely not something bought by a lazy cheat in a supermarket.

How do I know that? Because I still recall the look my own mother exchanged with Mrs. Frieda Davies in 1974, when a small boy in a dusty green parka approached the altar at Harvest Festival with two tins of Libby's cling peaches in a shoe box. The look was unforgettable. It said, What kind of sorry slattern has popped down to the Spar on the corner to celebrate God's bounty when what the good Lord clearly requires is a fruit medley in a basket with cellophane wrap? Or a plaited bread? Frieda Davies's bread, maneuvered the length of the church by her twins, was plaited as thickly as the tresses of a Rhinemaiden.

"You see, Katharine," Mrs. Davies explained later, doing that disapproving upsneeze thing with her sinuses over teacakes, "there are mothers who make an effort like your mum and me. And then you get the type of person who"—prolonged sniff—"don't make the effort."

Of course I knew who they were: Women Who Cut Corners. Even back in 1974, the dirty word had started to spread about mothers who went out to work. Females who wore trouser suits and even, it was alleged, allowed their children to watch television while it was still light. Rumors of neglect clung to these creatures like dust to their pelmets.

So before I was really old enough to understand what being a woman meant, I already understood that the world of women was divided in two: there were proper mothers, self-sacrificing bakers of apple pies and well-scrubbed invigilators of the washtub, and there were the other sort. At the age of thirty-five, I know precisely which kind I am, and I suppose that's what I'm doing here in the small hours of the thirteenth of December, hitting mince pies with a rolling pin till they look like something mother-made. Women used to have time to make mince pies and had to fake orgasms. Now we can manage the orgasms, but we have to fake the mince pies. And they call this progress.

"Damn. Damn. Where has Paula hidden the sieve?"

"Kate, what do you think you're doing? It's two o'clock in the morning!"

Richard is standing in the kitchen doorway, wincing at the light. Rich with his Jermyn Street pajamas, washed and tumbled to Babygro bobbliness. Rich with his acres of English reasonableness and his fraying kindness. Slow Richard, my American colleague Candy calls him, because work at his ethical architecture firm has slowed almost to a standstill, and it takes him half an hour to take the bin out and he's always telling me to slow down.

"Slow down, Katie, you're like that funfair ride. What's it called? The one where the screaming people stick to the side so long as the damn thing keeps spinning?"

"Centrifugal force."

"I know that. I meant what's the ride called?"

"No idea. Wall of Death?"

"Exactly."

I can see his point. I'm not so far gone that I can't grasp there has to be more to life than forging pastries at midnight. And tiredness. Deep-sea-diver tiredness, voyage-to-the-bottom-of-fatigue tiredness; I've never really come up from it since Emily was born, to be honest. Five years of walking round in a lead suit of sleeplessness. But what's the alternative? Go into school this afternoon and brazen it out, slam a box of Sainsbury's finest down on the table of festive offerings? Then, to the Mummy Who's Never There and the Mummy Who Shouts, Emily can add the Mummy Who Didn't Make an Effort. Twenty years from now, when my daughter is arrested in the grounds of Buckingham Palace for attempting to kidnap the king, a criminal psychologist will appear on the news and say, "Friends trace the start of Emily Shattock's mental problems to a school carol concert where her mother, a shadowy presence in her life, humiliated her in front of her classmates."

"Kate? Hello?"

"I need the sieve, Richard."

"What for?"

"So I can cover the mince pies with icing sugar."

"Why?"

"Because they are too evenly colored, and everyone at school will know I haven't made them myself, that's why."

Richard blinks slowly, like Stan Laurel taking in another fine mess. "Not why icing sugar, why cooking? Katie, are you mad? You only got back from the States three hours ago. No one expects you to produce anything for the carol concert."

"Well, I expect me to." The anger in my voice takes me by surprise and I notice Richard flinch. "So, where has Paula hidden the sodding sieve?"

Rich looks older suddenly. The frown line, once an amused exclamation mark between my husband's eyebrows, has deepened and widened without my noticing into a five-bar gate. My lovely funny Richard, who once looked at me as Dennis Quaid looked at Ellen Barkin in The Big Easy and now, thirteen years into an equal, mutually supportive partnership, looks at me the way a smoking beagle looks at a medical researcher—aware that such experiments may need to be conducted for the sake of human progress but still somehow pleading for release.

"Don't shout." He sighs. "You'll wake them." One candy-striped arm gestures upstairs where our children are asleep. "Anyway, Paula hasn't hidden it. You've got to stop blaming the nanny for everything, Kate. The sieve lives in the drawer next to the microwave."

"No, it lives right here in this cupboard."

"Not since 1997 it doesn't."

"Are you implying that I haven't used my own sieve for three years?"

"Darling, to my certain knowledge you have never met your sieve. Please come to bed. You have to be up in five hours."

Seeing Richard go upstairs, I long to follow him but I can't leave the kitchen in this state. I just can't. The room bears signs of heavy fighting; there is Lego shrapnel over a wide area, and a couple of mutilated Barbies—one legless, one headless—are having some kind of picnic on our tartan travel rug, which is still matted with grass from its last outing on Primrose Hill in August. Over by the vegetable rack, on the floor, there is a heap of raisins which I'm sure was there the morning I left for the airport. Some things have altered in my absence: half a dozen apples have been added to the big glass bowl on the pine table that sits next to the doors leading out to the garden, but no one has thought to discard the old fruit beneath and the pears at the bottom have started weeping a sticky amber resin. As I throw each pear in the bin, I shudder a little at the touch of rotten flesh. After washing and drying the bowl, I carefully wipe any stray amber goo off the apples and put them back. The whole operation takes maybe seven minutes. Next I start to swab the drifts of icing sugar off the stainless steel worktop, but the act of scouring releases an evil odor. I sniff the dishcloth. Slimy with bacteria, it has the sweet sickening stench of dead-flower water. Exactly how rancid would a dishcloth have to be before someone else in this house thought to throw it away?

I ram the dishcloth in the overflowing bin and look under the sink for a new one. There is no new one. Of course, there is no new one, Kate, you haven't been here to buy a new one. Retrieve old dishcloth from the bin and soak it in hot water with a dot of bleach. All I need to do now is put Emily's wings and halo out for the morning.

Have just turned off the lights and am starting up the stairs when I have a bad thought. If Paula sees the Sainsbury's cartons in the bin, she will spread news of my Great Mince Pie forgery on the nanny grapevine. Oh, hell. Retrieving the cartons from the bin, I wrap them inside yesterday's paper and carry the bundle at arm's length out through the front door. Looking right and left to make sure I am unobserved, I slip them into the big black sack in front of the house. Finally, with the evidence of my guilt disposed of, I follow my husband up to bed.

Through the landing window and the December fog, a crescent moon is reclining in its deck chair over London. Even the moon gets to put its feet up once a month. Man in the Moon, of course. If it was a Woman in the Moon, she'd never sit down. Well, would she?

I take my time brushing my teeth. A count of twenty for each molar. If I stay in the bathroom long enough, Richard will fall asleep and will not try to have sex with me. If we don't have sex, I can skip a shower in the morning. If I skip the shower, I will have time to start on the e-mails that have built up while I've been away and maybe even get some presents bought on the way to work. Only ten shopping days to Christmas, and I am in possession of precisely nine gifts, which leaves twelve to get plus stocking fillers for the children. And still no delivery from KwikToy, the rapid on-line present service.

"Kate, are you coming to bed?" Rich calls from the bedroom.

His voice sounds slurry with sleep. Good.

"I have something I need to talk to you about. Kate?"

"In a minute," I say. "Just going up to make sure they're OK."

I climb the flight of stairs to the next landing. The carpet is so badly frayed up here that the lip of each step looks like the dead grass you find under a marquee five days after a wedding. Someone's going to have an accident one of these days. At the top, I catch my breath and silently curse these tall thin London houses. Standing in the stillness outside the children's doors, I can hear their different styles of sleeping—his piglet snufflings, her princess sighs.

When I can't sleep and, believe me, I would dream of sleep if my mind weren't too full of other stuff for dreams, I like to creep into Ben's room and sit on the blue chair and just watch him. My baby looks as though he has hurled himself at unconsciousness, like a very small man trying to leap aboard an accelerating bus. Tonight, he's sprawled the length of the cot on his front, arms extended, tiny fingers curled round an invisible pole. Nestled to his cheek is the disgusting kangaroo that he worships—a shelf full of the finest stuffed animals an anxious parent can buy, and what does he choose to love? A cross-eyed marsupial from Woolworth's remainder bin. Ben can't tell us when he's tired yet, so he simply says Roo instead. He can't sleep without Roo because Roo to him means sleep.

It's the first time I've seen my son in four days. Four days, three nights. First there was the trip to Stockholm to spend some face time with a jumpy new client, then Rod Task called from the office and told me to get my ass over to New York and hold the hand of an old client who needed reassuring that the new client wasn't taking up too much of my time.

Benjamin never holds my absences against me. Too little still. He always greets me with helpless delight like a fan windmilling arms at a Hollywood premiere. Not his sister, though. Emily is five years old and full of jealous wisdom. Mummy's return is always the cue for an intricate sequence of snubs and punishments.

"Actually, Paula reads me that story."

"But I want Dadda to give me a bath."

Wallis Simpson got a warmer welcome from the Queen Mother than I get from Emily after a business trip. But I bear it. My heart sort of pleats inside and somehow I bear it. Maybe I think I deserve it.

I leave Ben snoring softly and gently push the door of the other room. Bathed in the candied glow of her Cinderella light, my daughter is, as is her preference, naked as a newborn. (Clothes, unless you count bridal or princess wear, are a constant irritation to her.) When I pull the duvet up, her legs twitch in protest like a laboratory frog. Even when she was a baby, Emily couldn't stand being covered. I bought her one of those zip-up sleep bags, but she thrashed around in it and blew out her cheeks like the God of Wind in the corner of old maps, till I had to admit defeat and gave it away. Even in sleep, when my girl's face has the furzy bloom of an apricot, you can see the determined jut to her chin. Her last school report said, Emily is a very competitive little girl and will need to learn to lose more gracefully.

"Remind you of anyone, Kate?," said Richard and let out that trodden-puppy yelp he has developed lately.

There have been times over the past hyear when I have tried to explain to my daugher—I felt she was old enough to hear this—why Mummy has to go to work. Because Mum and Ded both need to earn money to pay for our house and for all the things she enjoys doing like ballet lessons and going on holiday. Because Mummy has a job she is good at and it's really important for women to work as well as men. Each time the speech builds to a stirring climax —trumpets, choirs, the tearful sisterhood waving flags—in which I assure Emily that she will understand all of this when she is a big girl and wants to do interesting things herself.

Unfortunately, the case for equal opportunities, long established in liberal Western society, cuts no ice in the fundamentalist regime of the five-year-old. There is no God but Mummy, and Daddy is her prophet.

In the morning, when I'm getting ready to leave the house, Emily asks the same question over and over until I want to hit her and then all the way to work, I want to cry for having wanted to hit her.

"Are you putting me to bed tonight? Is Mummy putting me to bed tonight? Are you? Who is putting me to bed tonight? Are you, Mum, are you?"

Do you know how many ways there are of saying the word no without actually using the word no? Ido.

MUST REMEMBER

Angel wings. Quote for new stair carpet. Take lasagne out of freezer for Saturday lunch. Buy kitchen roll, stainless steel special polish thingy, present and card for Harry's party. How old is Harry? Five? Six? Must get organized with well-stocked present drawer like proper mother. Buy Christmas tree and stylish lights recommended in Telegraph (Selfridge's or Habitat? Can't remember. Damn.) Nanny's Christmas bribe/present (Eurostar ticket? Cash? DKNY?) Emily wants Baby Wee-Wee doll (over my dead body). Present for Richard (Wine-tasting? Arsenal? Pajamas), In-laws book—The Lost Gardens of Somewhere? Ask Richard to collect dry cleaning. Office party what to wear? Black velvet too small. Stop eating now. Fishnets lilac. Leg wax no time, shave instead. Cancel stress-busting massage. Highlights must book soonest (starting to look like mid-period George Michael). Pelvic floor squeeze! Supplies of Pill!!! Ice cake (royal icing?—chk Delia.) Cranberries. Mini party sausages. Stamps for cards Second class x40. Present for E's teacher? And, whatever you do, wean Ben off dummy before Xmas with in-laws. Chase KwikToy, useless mail order present company. Smear test NB. Wine, Gin. Vin santo. Ring Mum. Where did I put Simon Hopkinson "dry with hair dryer" duck recipe? Stuffing? Hamster???

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Interviews & Essays

Q: This is your first novel. What made you decide to write it?

A:
I read a Stress Survey in Good Housekeeping magazine two years ago. It said that all that most working women wanted for Mother's Day was a bit of time to themselves. It also said they were too tired to have sex with their husbands and felt they were failing both at work and as a parent. I thought about my life and the lives of my friends with young children and I realized we were all being driven crazy by the pressure we were under juggling work and family. I thought it was a great subject - borderline farce, but full of incredibly poignant moments as you find yourself torn between responsibility to your children and the office. I wrote an article about working mothers in my opinion column in the London Evening Standard and I got literally hundreds of letters from women, all saying: That's My Life! It felt as though I'd opened a small door onto a parallel world and on the other side was this huge amount of unacknowledged feeling.

Then, I attended a discussion on work-life balance at the London Business School and the professional women in the room started to share their stories. One lawyer stood up and said she had intercepted a memo from a senior partner in her firm which said: “Why does childbirth have to take so long?” The room erupted and I heard this dark, bitter laugh in my own head. It was Kate Reddy laughing. She didn't have a name back then, but I knew she had a terrific sense of humour. Soon after, I began a weekly column in the London Daily Telegraph describing Kate's adventures at work and at home. I'd like to say that I created her, but very soon she took over and wrote me,rather than me writing her!

Q: A new book about fertility and working mothers has startled American women making the cover of Time magazine this spring. (It is called, CREATING A LIFE: Professional Women and the Quest for Children by Sylvia Ann Hewlett.) Is it surprising to you that women might "miss" the chance to have children because they are so preoccupied with career-success?

A:
It doesn't surprise me at all. The mothers I interviewed when I was researching my book all said that in order to be successful in their careers, they needed to hide the fact that they had kids – one woman actually said her firm would be more forgiving if you were caught in possession of crack cocaine than children! Most of the women went to great lengths to hide the fact they had kids – never displaying photographs, never mentioning any childcare problems, always making a Man's Excuse if they were late – ie, trouble with the car or the traffic rather than a sick baby.

Because the corporate culture is hostile to mothers who are deemed to Lack Commitment, there is no good time for a young ambitious person to have a baby so she postpones it and postpones it, always thinking it might get easier later on and it never does, and then it's too late, which I think is a tragedy. One of the themes of I Don't Know How She Does It is the miraculous love that babies bring with them, how they change your heart. The idea that women have missed out on that miracle because they felt that their employers wouldn't tolerate it makes me feel incredibly sad.

Q: What do you recommend to working mothers who for financial or personal reasons want it all – to move up the corporate ladder AND have hands on care of their children?

A
: I think that many mothers who work need to work – either for personal fulfillment or just to pay all those bills! But I don't think that you can move up the corporate ladder and have hands-on care of the children – how can you? With the long hours demanded, you will be lucky if you make it home for bath – and bedtime. Most of the women I spoke to favoured some kind of flexible working where they could be home more and then work, often late into the night. I only wish that more businesses felt they could let women do that – it would be productive for all concerned. And humane too!

Q: It seems that you think that women are better at juggling or multi-tasking than men. Why do you think that is?

A:
As Kate says, “Life is a road for a man, for women it's a map.” I think we're wired differently. If you give your husband more then three things to remember, in general, the smoke will start coming out of his ears! I guess it must be something to do with Early Woman being a gatherer – needing to go out and pick berries while keeping an ear out for the children and planning what they're going to have for that Cave Party a week from Tuesday. Men hunted, women gathered: I think that's why they can cut everything out except the task in hand and we find that hard.

Q: Is it possible to have two high-powered working parents in one family?

A:
Well, we have two in our house, so it's certainly possible, although definitely not easy! There are times when you are both insanely busy and the household is pushed to snapping point. It's usually over something small, like why didn't someone else notice we were out of kitchen towel or loo paper? What you need is really good childcare. As many of us now live far from our families, we can't call on that great network of grandmas and aunts that would feel so much better than handing over your baby to a comparative stranger. I believe there comes a point when one person – it's usually the woman – has to scale back her commitments. Not being able to make a home because there's no time can feel frustrating and painful. You want to do it as well as your own Mum did!

Q: After all these years of a "women's movement," and the implementation of laws regarding sexual harassment, do you think workplaces are still sexist environments?

A:
Obviously, things are much better than they were, but Kate Reddy's world – the financial sector – has been slower to change than most. During my research, the women who were helping me on some of the guys emails that come out of these places – they were so specific they'd make a gynecologist want to go and lie down.

What I really think is that women were allowed into the workplace, but the workplace never stopped being male. The long-hours culture is male (women want to get home), the dick-swinging meetings culture is male (for men meetings are arenas of display, women want to make a quick decision and get on with their work), the politicking and oiling up to senior colleagues is male (most women don't have the stomach for it). One banker I spoke too said, “If the office was full of estrogen instead of testosterone, you'd see a huge and beneficial change.”

Q: Kate Reddy feels fiercely competitive with the stay-at-home moms who she fears judge her for not being a good enough mother. You've observed a very real tension of modern day life – this competition/anxiety that makes working moms and stay-at-home moms view each other warily. Which group judges the other more harshly do you think?

A:
I think it's very complicated. As a working mother, I often look at stay-home Mums with a mixture of envy and anxiety – are they judging me for not being with my kids full-time? Then again, I have friends who have given up work and they look with envy and anxiety at people like me who get to leave the house and wear clean clothes and even, sometimes, sleep on their own in a hotel bed for a full 12 uninterrupted hours! In the book, Kate calls the stay-at-home women the Mothers Superior and classes herself a Mother Inferior, which is how I personally feel a lot of the time. I don't think working mothers judge the stay-home mothers – they know they've made the big sacrifice to be with their kids – but I think some judging may go on the other way round.

Q: The enthusiasm for your novel has been immediate and passionate – certainly here at Knopf. Tell us about sale of the novel around the world and the sale of the movie rights.

A:
I always thought that Kate would get a following in the States – the situation for working mothers seems to be very similar to the one in Britain. But I was amazed to have the rights to the book purchased in 13 countries, including Japan and Israel. Maybe the theme of stress is pretty universal right now?

The movie rights were sold last summer. I was building sandcastles with the kids on a beach when my mobile phone rang and it was my film agent, Norman North, ringing to say that Miramax had made an offer we couldn't refuse. It was incredibly exciting, but then Thomas – he's my youngest and was then nearly two, came over and celebrated Mummy's major movie deal by depositing an ice-cream in my lap. I thought it was such a Kate moment!

Q: How did you find time to write this novel? Did it take a long time to write?

A:
Being a mother of two small children and trying to write a novel is hell – like having a secret third child in the house that you have to go and play with when the other two have gone to bed. It took me a year; the first half when I was doing my other jobs, and then four months flat out at the end. I found the time by working till 1 a.m., then getting up at 5 a.m. and putting in a couple of hours till Evie and Tom woke up. Then, I'd get them ready for the day and return to the computer. By the end Evie – she's six – was standing next to the computer saying, “Have you finished your book yet, Mum? Please have you finished your book?” The irony of a stressed-out working mother writing a novel about a stressed-out working mother was hard to bear at times. I think I lost about six months of their lives to create Kate Reddy.

My only hope is that the novel stirs up some discussion so that life will be very different for Evie and her female friends when they get to working age. The novel is dedicated to her – it's my way of saying, “This is how your mother's generation had to live and never think I didn't love you.”

Q: Everyone at Knopf (with special emphasis on the moms here) is comparing notes on "Kate Reddy moments." As the creator of the concept, could you give us some of your "personal best?"

A:
There are so many, but one disaster stands out. As a journalist, I had to go and interview Tom Hanks at the Dorchester. It was not long after my daughter was born, and when I held out my hand to shake the movie stars I realized I had this kind of epaulette of banana sick on my black jacket. When you have a baby or little kids, it's a constant battle to keep your work clothes clean, so I identify totally with all of Kate's embarrassments in this area. Luckily, Tom Hanks was so nice and had kids of his own, that he said, “Oh, don't worry, this happens all the time.” Which was incredibly sweet, but clearly untrue: not too many people go to meet him covered in regurgitated breakfast!

Some of the moments are not that funny. I went to Los Angeles for almost a week on a job and ended up sitting in a hotel while I was messed around by some very arrogant PR people. Every night, I called my husband and he told me that six-month-old Thomas was “a little under the weather.” When I finally got home, I walked into the kitchen and I realized immediately that the baby had been ill. I picked him up and he gave me such a wonderful smile– he was so happy to see me – but he had lost so much weight. It turned out, he had tonsillitis and Anthony hadn't wanted to worry me. I was so incredibly upset. I stood there and wept and all the time the baby was laughing and smiling, just delighted to have his Mummy back. I hated the fact that I'd wasted my time with those worthless vain Hollywood people when my baby boy was ill. That was the worst moment.


From the Hardcover edition.
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Reading Group Guide

The questions, discussion topics, and author biography that follow are intended to enhance your group’s reading of Allison Pearson’s I Don’t Know How She Does It: The Life of Kate Reddy, Working Mother, a hilarious, heartbreaking, and utterly unforgettable novel about a working mother trying to strike that impossible balance between work and family.

1. At 1:37 a.m. on an average night, Kate Reddy has just returned from a business trip to Sweden and is banging store-bought mince pies with a rolling pin so that they'll look homemade for her daughter's school Christmas party. She then goes out to the trash bins to hide the pie boxes so that Paula, her nanny, won't tell the other nannies that Kate cheated on the pies. She cleans up the kitchen and then takes a long time brushing her teeth so that her husband will fall asleep before she comes to bed (if they don't have sex, she can skip a shower in the morning and possibly have time for Christmas shopping on the way to work). How does this sequence, along with the "Must Remember" list that follows it, work to set the comic pacing for the novel [pp. 3-10]? How successful is the opening chapter in getting the reader to sympathize with Kate and her daily challenges?

2. When Kate arrives late for work, she needs to come up with what her friend Debra calls "a Man's Excuse" [p. 15]-something that does not have to do with sick children or an absent nanny, preferably something involving car repairs or traffic. Is Pearson accurate in describing a business world that has little patience for the out-of-office responsibilities of working mothers?

3. Kate has two good friends, Debra and Candy, with whom she exchanges comical e-mail messages. What do these messages convey about the ways women console, support, and entertain one another? What do they convey about the subculture of office life?

4. "There is an uneasy standoff between the two kinds of mother which sometimes makes it hard for us to talk to each other. I suspect that the nonworking mother looks at the working mother with envy and fear because she thinks that the working mum has got away with it, and the working mum looks back with fear and envy because she knows that she has not. In order to keep going in either role, you have to convince yourself that the alternative is bad" [p. 96]. How do Kate's vexed interactions with local "Mother Superiors" reflect the truth of this statement?

5. Pearson has said of her book, "It's a tragedy at the pace of comedy." What does she mean by this? Do you agree?

6. Musing on her relationship with her unreliable father, Kate thinks, "Daughters striving to be the son their father never had, daughters excelling at school to win the attention of a man who was always looking the other way, daughters like poor mad Antigone pursuing the elusive ghost of paternal love. So why do all us Daddy's Girls go and work in places so hostile to women? Because the only real comfort we get is from male approval" [p. 153]. Is this an adequate explanation for Kate's ambition? How did her family's instability and poverty shape her psyche?

7. How is the romantic distraction posed by Jack Abelhammer important in further illuminating Kate's position? Is the outcome a forgone conclusion, or did she just make the right choice for herself?

8. "If you give Chris Bunce five million years he may realize that it's possible to work alongside women without needing to take their clothes off" [p. 298]. Is Pearson right in suggesting that many workplaces tolerate the sexism of some male workers? How satisfying is Kate and Momo's revenge upon Bunce?

9. Why has Pearson chosen to include the character of Jill Cooper-Clark, who dies of cancer at age forty-seven? Why is Jill's memo to her husband ("Your Family: How It Works!") so poignant? What has Jill's friendship meant to Kate? How does it shift the novel's comic events to a more serious context?

10. In an essay in a British newspaper, Pearson remarked, "Children may behave like liberals-they believe they should be allowed to do what they want-but what they really like, what makes them feel safe, is essentially conservative. . . . My ideals told me that men and women could both go out to work and be truly equal. My children told me something more complicated, something I really didn't want to hear. Their need for me was like the need for water or light: it had a devastating simplicity to it. It didn't fit any of the theories about what women were supposed to do with their lives, theories written in books often by women who never had children." How does this statement resonate with the experiences detailed in the novel? Is this a novel that is too close to reality for comfort because Pearson tells us things we know but don't want to acknowledge?

11. Which is a greater strain on Kate and Richard's marriage-the children, Kate's job, and her frequent travel, or her romantic interest in her American client? What does Pearson mean when she writes, "Any woman with a baby has already committed a kind of adultery" [p. 169]? How does the novel underscore the ways in which the arrival of children irrevocably changes the relationship between husband and wife?

12. A recent newspaper article noted that of Fortune magazine's fifty most powerful women, one-third have husbands who stay at home with the children. Would Kate's problems be solved if her husband left his failing architecture firm to become a stay-at-home father? Does the novel suggest that Kate needs to let him reassume the primary economic role if their marriage is to survive? Does Pearson suggest that people are still offended by the idea of a woman who makes more money than her husband? Why?

13. Some of the novel's funniest moments have to do with clothing, as when, in her haste, Kate has overlooked some detail of her dress. She gives a major presentation wearing a red bra under a sheer white blouse; she pulls on black tights in the train on the way to Jill's funeral without realizing that they have Playboy bunnies up the backs of the legs. How does Pearson use these moments to show how important details of dress are in the working world, and how wrong things can go when women don't have butlers or wives to look after their clothing?

14. With their aggressive moral superiority, the women Kate calls "Mother Superiors" seem to believe they have made the right choice in staying home with their children. When Kate is tried at the imaginary "Court of Motherhood" (Chapters 6, 18, 40), why is she always on the defensive? Is this internalized "court of motherhood" something that plagues all mothers, not only those who work outside the home?

15. As Kate herself says, "Giving up work is like becoming a missing person. One of the domestic Disappeared. The post offices of Britain should be full of Wanted posters for women who lost themselves in their children and were never seen again" [p. 170]. Is Kate's decision to leave her job a disappointment or a relief?

16. The book ends with the question "What else?" at the end of another "Must Remember" list. Is Kate's life qualitatively better since she left her job and moved away from London? With the final page, does Pearson imply that Kate's life is essentially un-changed, or that it is about to take off in an exciting direction in which she will dictate the terms of her working life?

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 3.5
( 155 )
Rating Distribution

5 Star

(55)

4 Star

(41)

3 Star

(27)

2 Star

(20)

1 Star

(12)

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See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 155 Customer Reviews
  • Posted September 5, 2011

    I Also Recommend:

    Great Read

    I enjoyed this book- it was well written. I identified with Kate, so I am familiar with situation she went through. Worth the read

    5 out of 6 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted June 12, 2011

    disappointing

    My sister sent me this book years ago and I finally read it because they are turning it into a movie with Sarah Jessica Parker. I figured it had to be OK. AND I wondered what message my sister was trying to send me.
    Well, the first half of the book was extremely boring; any mom knows what it's like to juggle. And THIS mom (Kate) had an in-home babysitter and husband who HELPED !! And she was complaining ?!!?
    Anyway, the author tries to wrap the book - and Kate's life -up in a nice little bow at the end. How quaint. And unrealistic.

    3 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted October 6, 2011

    I Also Recommend:

    Magnificent!

    This is magnificent! How many women today live like this? When does it stop? How can it stop? Kate is everything and wants everything. She's ambitious and talented, she needs her career. She's loving and caring and needs her kids and husband. There just isn't enough time!. Sound familiar? This is magnificent! You will not regret your purchase!

    2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted April 21, 2011

    boring!

    tried to get into it but never could. being a woking mom i was excited to read this book, but it was a snoozer.

    2 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted March 2, 2011

    not impressed

    this book was not very exciting. i found it borring.

    2 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 26, 2011

    Don't quite get the hype...

    I so wanted to absolutely love this book. I am an admitted Sex and the City fan and was looking forward to something that would relate to me on that next level. This didn't quite do it for me. It felt flat, slow, and not fulfilling. Yes, there were moments that made me laugh but overall, I didn't feel like I could relate to it.

    1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted August 25, 2008

    Exaggerated and Depressing

    I am surprised to see so many positive reviews of this book. I am a mother who works full time, so I expected to empathize with the main character and enjoy some 'I've been there' moments. I was disappointed to find that the main character is full of contradictions--and not in a meaningful, realistic, and interesting way. She is supposed to be a savvy career woman, but she sends incredibly unprofessional and crass emails to her co-workers and even a client. She is supposed to be a proponent of gender equality in the workplace, but when a male colleague does something horrible to a female (minority) intern, instead of running it up the discipline chain, as any normal person would do, she imagines a non-sensical scenario that would result in the intern being punished instead of the perpetrator. And then, in total disregard of her ethical responsibilities in dealing with investors' funds, she sets up a poorly explained sting operation of sorts that will lose money for the company and get the perpetrator fired. What kind of savvy professional would do something so stupid, and even criminal? And, on another topic, she is completely horrible to her loving husband and doesn't seem to feel even a scrap of remorse for the fact that she almost has an affair. Even at the end, when the two have reconciled, she says that she regrets not having had the affair! What?!?! This book is just horrible and depressing. Not a fun read at all.

    1 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 10, 2007

    Funny, but stressful!

    This is a very funny book, but it's enough to make you cry if you are indeed a busy working mother. I was not entertained by the endless 'to do' lists and unending guilt. This book might be more entertaining to those who have already survived raised their children, but for those of us who are still in the thick of it...?

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 31, 2013

    Hi

    Hi

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted March 30, 2013

    Ty's last rap to parker ;,(

    Its not time to die. I never got to say goodbye. Im goin to cry. Im not even shy. Sigh. Well i guess this is my last goodbye. ;,(

    0 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted November 26, 2012

    Vacuous & Pretentious. Becomes monotonous quick.

    I would give a negative star if I could. I was so looking forward to getting into this, being a mom trying to juggle work and family. But the book never goes past skimming the surface. The main character spends a lot of time admiring how cute she thinks she is. No. Literally. Admiring herself when she passes a mirror. Remarking on how all the guys in the office hit on her. Every single character is nothing but a sketch. Not one is fleshed out in the least. Making the narrative extremely one-sided. Or the characters are cartoony. Like the American who speaks in the stilted parody. The problem is I don't think this is a parody! I think this is the author's best effort! There is just a lack of any self reflection or insight. You want to be able to read a fun book like this and say "Yeah! I go through that too!" But every paragraph just sets apart the classes. Very unrelatable. Even the tense is all wrong. The book is written in the present tense through out. It really is just a series of jaunty magazine articles strung together. Honestly. Would it kill an writer to dig deep? Or learn to construct a scene? Anyway. Don't be fooled by the fact that the author is English. Apparently even THEY have people who can't put a descent story together. Not just us Ah-Mer-I-Cans. Another issue I had with this book is this woman faces absolutely no conflicts or dilemas. Either inner or otherwise. Everything goes her way. For instance: She's away from her kids all day. Sometimes overseas. And there's not emotional pull from that?! Just braggadocio. She makes all this money and Blah Blah Blah. Pages of it. I got through Part 1, and looked ahead to see how much more and I couldn't believe there was enough plot there to keep this story going. And I was right. Basic rule of story writing. Don't Tell, Show! Just underdeveloped plot. Save your money.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted July 17, 2012

    Great Book!

    This is a book that both working and SAHMs will relate too. I loved it and couldn't put it down.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted July 17, 2012

    This book was a great read. Entertaining. The reader can ident

    This book was a great read. Entertaining. The reader can identify with the hectic, never-ending fast-pace of Kate's life. The book is written in a way that you understand why Kate tries to maintain her career, her children, her husband, and her home in the way that she does. The wording is whitty and funny as the book highlights the continued disparities between parents who work and are female versus male.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Posted April 2, 2012

    Well written chick lit!

    I liked this book. I think a lot of moms working or non-working can relate to it and the balancing act that is motherhood. Allison Pearson writes well and you can read through this book quickly. I liked the characters. I know some of the previous reviewers did not. They are portrayed with realistic human flaws. A good beach read or a nice book to snuggle up with at night!

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  • Posted January 2, 2012

    I loooove this book

    One of my favorite reads ever. It was wonderful to have the issues that I was facing as a full-time working mother documented in such a funny way.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted December 27, 2011

    Waiting for it to improve......

    So far, not impressed as she has a nanny that most women dont have.......... only completed chapter 2 it is boring really boring

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  • Posted December 5, 2011

    A great book

    I enjoyed the depth the characters had, they were very real & reminded me of friends of mine. This was a very enjoyable book.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted November 23, 2011

    Depressing

    From the movie reviews I assumed the book was a light hearted, amusing but uplifting story. Quite the opposite - overworked very unhappy wife who makes the husband out to be a useless buffoon in a very miserable marriage. Can't imagine the movie was anything like the book or it was a huge flop!

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  • Posted October 27, 2011

    more from this reviewer

    This book is great!

    Its funny, serious, demanding and overbearing. Much of what a working woman and mother goes through. Pearson does a beautiful job showing the double standards that still exist in the work place between how men and women are treated and in particular after a women has a child. She shows Kate saying what she wants to really say in her mind as many of us do and then the politically correct thing which she says out loud. She clearly shows the termoil a mother feels at being pulled in 2 different directions wanting to do what she needs to do for her family and children and what "the workplace expects" of her. She also clearly developes a picture at how the womans mind is constantly in motion multi/triple/quadruple tasking to make sure everything is covered. At one point in the story a man who looses his wife - states he is amazed at how much there is to remember - basically rubber stamping what Kate is experiencing.

    All in all this is a good great. I read it because I saw the movie was out and it got me curious when I saw the book. Many of us can relate to what Kate is going through even when they make that final decision on wheather to walk away or not.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted October 26, 2011

    Too Long

    I found it to be very boring after awhile.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 155 Customer Reviews

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