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I Drink for a Reason

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Overview

After a decade spent in isolation in the Ugandan jungles thinking about stuff, David Cross has written his first book. Known for roles on the small screen such as "never-nude" Tobias Funke on Arrested Development and the role of "David" in Mr. Show With Bob And David, as well as a hugely successful stand-up routine full of sharp-tongued rants and rages, Cross has carved out his place in American comedy. Whether deflating the pomposity of religious figures, calling out the pathetic symbiosis of pseudo-celebrity ...

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I Drink for a Reason

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Overview

After a decade spent in isolation in the Ugandan jungles thinking about stuff, David Cross has written his first book. Known for roles on the small screen such as "never-nude" Tobias Funke on Arrested Development and the role of "David" in Mr. Show With Bob And David, as well as a hugely successful stand-up routine full of sharp-tongued rants and rages, Cross has carved out his place in American comedy. Whether deflating the pomposity of religious figures, calling out the pathetic symbiosis of pseudo-celebrity and its leaching fandom, or merely pushing the buttons of the way-too-easily offended P.C. left or the caustic, double-standard of the callous (but funnier) right, Cross has something to say about everyone, including his own ridiculous self.

Now, for the first time, Cross is weaving his media mockery, celebrity denunciation, religious commentary and sheer madness into book form, revealing the true story behind his almost existential distaste of Jim Belushi ("The Belush"), disclosing the up-to-now unpublished minutes to a meeting of Fox television network executives, and offering up a brutally grotesque run-in with Bill O'Reilly. And as if this wasn't enough for your laughing pleasure in these troubled times, some of the pieces splinter off with additional material being created online in exclusive video and animated web content created solely for the book-a historical first (presumably)!

With a mix of personal essays, satirical fiction posing as truth, advice for rich people, information from America's least favorite Rabbi and a top-ten list of top-ten lists, I DRINK FOR A REASON is as unique as the comedian himself, and cannot be missed.

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Editorial Reviews

From Barnes & Noble
When his Atlanta high school graduating class named him "most humorous," David Cross seized it as a license and ran. Ever since, this Emmy Award-winning comedy writer, comedian, actor, and troublemaker has been raising the roof in venues public and private. I Drink for a Reason is much, much more of Cross at his best; a seasoned comic dishing out gobs and gobs of caustic wit against Left, Right, and Middle America. Part memoir and totally outrageous, this book displays the unbridled anarchistic enthusiasm that makes its author such a stand-up favorite.
From the Publisher
"One of the funniest books I've ever skimmed!"
—Paul Rudd

"David has composed a fascinating list of the most obscure names in Atlanta baseball history, and filled the spaces between with some stuff. I don't always agree with him, but he always makes me think and smile and, unlike our conversations, in this book I actually can get a word in edgewise."
—Keith Olbermann

"A relentlessly funny insight into what makes David Cross honest and brutal, but above all, hilarious...pant-wettingly brilliant."
—Simon Pegg

"It is inappropriate for me to write a 'blurb' for Mr. David Cross, as he is rightly a legend—utterly fearless, absolutely brilliant, and a longtime inspiration to me. My endorsement would be like the weed endorsing the sun, which is to say: I live in the dirt and require David Cross plus water to live. But I can grow right through sidewalks, so that's something."
—John Hodgman, Daily Show "Resident Expert" and New York Times bestselling author of The Areas Of My Expertise

"A few more books like this one, and we may have to get David to pull a Sen. Al Franken."
—Markos Moulitsas, founder of Daily Kos

"This book is a literary 'Development' from David that I found truly 'Arresting'. I 'dev'oured every word and had to take 'a rest' after reading as I realized this book was 'ment' [sic] to be a comedy classic. This 'Arresting' comedian has 'Developed' into an amazing and insightful writer."
—Mitchell Hurwitz, producer, Golden Girls

"...me again. I'm sorry, but there's something about David's wit and hilarious self-revelation that makes me want to jacket-blurb all over this thing. David's writing in this 'audio-book for the eyes' is every bit as funny, honest, and observant as the man himself-and, oddly, twice as smart. It's surprising and funny dot dot dot a triumph! Oh, and David that 'dot dot dot' shouldn't be spelled out as words. It's just meant to imply I said a lot of other stuff too. Oh and obviously what I'm saying right now also isn't part of the blurb."
—Mitchell "Arrested Development" Hurwitz, co-creator, The Ellen Show

"Absurdist naysaying deepened by occasional blurts of actual emotion."
—Sarah Vowell, New York Times bestselling author of Assassination Vacation and The Wordy Shipmates

"David Cross is the Bruce Banner of our time, and this book is his big green monster. His energy is so intoxicating and uplifting that in some cultures his discarded bodily fluids are sold on the black market as an Irish coffee substitute. This is a great book."
—Maynard Keenan, lead singer of Tool and A Perfect Circle

Publishers Weekly
If Cross does drink too much, it would be helpful to know which sketches and essays he wrote under what conditions. Undoubtedly, this audiobook has some hilarious pieces that will leave listeners in stitches, but there are some that fall flat or simply drag on. His rants are a mixture of observations, self-revelations and hyperbolic suggestions about the way the world should be. With his comedic background, Cross does well with delivery and emphasis, never hesitating or faltering with the risks he takes. His most entertaining antics deviate from the unabridged text when Cross (rather delightfully) mocks or challenges the conventions of an audiobook, quixotically changing his mind about reading a list and enlisting a band to perform using the list as lyrics. A Grand Central hardcover (Reviews, July 20). (Sept.)
Mitchell Arrested Development Hurwitz
"David's writing in this audiobook for the eyes is every bit as funny, honest, and observant as the man himself-and, oddly, twice as smart. It's surprising and funny dot dot dot a triumph!"
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780446697712
  • Publisher: Grand Central Publishing
  • Publication date: 8/25/2010
  • Pages: 236
  • Sales rank: 407,708
  • Product dimensions: 5.20 (w) x 7.90 (h) x 0.80 (d)

Meet the Author

David Cross is a two-time award winner as well as a three-time award winner. He was part of Mr. Show and Arrested Development. He has done, and still does, stand-up comedy. He is a jew/atheist originally from Atlanta. He speaks four languages, and three dialects. He writes, loves, and eats in the NYC area. He is a Red Sox fan. In fact, he has a dog named Ollie Red Sox. He is a true patriot and a great American. He is currently fucking Amber Tamblyn.

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First Chapter

I Drink for a Reason


By Cross, David

Grand Central Publishing

Copyright © 2010 Cross, David
All right reserved.

ISBN: 9780446697712

Don’t Abandon Your Baby

THE OTHER DAY, I WAS DRIVING ALONG BY MYSELF IN LOS ANGELES. I was listening to NPR. An elderly woman from Macon, Georgia, was reading a story she had written for Pecan Nights magazine about a switch (Southern for “tree branch”) she had been made to bring to a teacher to enable the teacher to punish her by beating her with it when suddenly the switch was turned to licorice by a forgiving and practical-joke-loving God. But because she was old, she was taking FOREVER to read it! Her gravelly, halting voice was barely above a whisper, and she clearly needed a drink of water. She sounded like when my mom eats bananas in silent anger. Why does NPR insist on letting its authors read their own stories? Most of them are terrible. It’s painful and makes me anxious to listen to them. I slowed down as I came to a light and pulled up alongside an L.A. cop driving his L.A. cop car. Like everyone else when faced with being next to a potential bully with a Kafkaesque ability to get away with whatever they want (unless of course there’s an amateur videographer nearby), I got a little self-conscious. I did what most people in cars do when they imagine cops are watching them. I fiddled with my radio like only the innocent would ever do. People guilty of crimes, no matter how severe or petty, absolutely never adjust the settings on their radios. This is a proven fact and one that has guided me through many of these episodes.

As the light turned green I let him pull up ahead of me because I didn’t want him to see my “I My Dog” bumper sticker on which I had Sharpied over the heart symbol and replaced it with the work Fuck. That bumper sticker has turned out to be one of my all-time best pickup lines, by the way. Anyway, as the cop got in front of me, I noticed one of his bumper stickers. Alongside the ubiquitous and highly effective “D.A.R.E to Keep Kids off Drugs” bumper sticker (remember when people used to sell and/or take drugs before that bumper sticker was conceived and applied?) there was a new, state-sanctioned, police-issued bumper sticker. At least it was new to me. It read “Don’t Abandon Your Baby.” Hmmm, okay. Thanks for that. I know that’s not meant for me, as I am not planning on attending any proms in the near future. But has our society really come to this? I realize that our culture is so violent and we’ve become so coarse that we can support more than three dozen violent cop shows that feature sick killings nightly, each more shocking than the last. “Chief, we’ve got some sicko out there who’s killing random male stockbrokers.” “Jesus that’s terrible.” “Wait, I’m not done. And he’s sawing off their arms and using them to rape college co-eds.” “Son of a bitch!!” (excerpted from CSI: Grand Rapids.)

Do we really need to be told not to abandon our babies? Especially by authority figures with guns and shoot-to-kill dispensations? I suppose the answer is yes. It’s one thing when a dear friend or family member asks us not to abandon our baby. Or even a much-loved celebrity, but the cops? Although I will concede a gentleness to the pronouncement that I find interesting. Unlike the demanding and suggestively violent “Buckle Up, It’s the Law!” one could read their own intonation into it. Say it to yourself (in your head—you don’t want to end up on any lists) like an Allied confidant whispering in the ear of their lover as they stand on the banks of the Seine during the height of the student riots. Seems almost sweet. Or try saying it with a bit of wistful melancholy, like a wise old “mammy” talking from experience and passing on her sage advice to the grandchildren as they snap and de-string pole beans on the porch during a hot, swollen, summer day in Georgia. Hey! Where’s that NPR lady? Maybe she could try it. She’s probably just now about to finish reading her story. Just six more words to go and they can leave the station. Anyway, it takes on a different tone. It’s sympathetic and well meaning. It’s not at all angry. It doesn’t instantly cause your rebellion gene to switch on. It doesn’t make you think, “Fuck you, cop! I’ll abandon whatever baby whenever the fuck I want, you fucking fascist! It doesn’t even have to be a baby, either! I think I’ll abandon my car, my pets, and my teeth as well!”

Which leads me to this: what kind of person needs to be told, or “reminded,” that they shouldn’t abandon their child? People who sit around all day, daydreaming and fantasizing about a future they’ll never have because they sit around all day, daydreaming and fantasizing about a future they’ll never have? What does it say about our selfish, stupid, and cruel society? I guess that we can be monstrously selfish, stupid, and cruel. The Iraq war (or rather the war we started in Iraq; there really wasn’t much of a fight until we set up colonization school) is a good example. It’s an amazingly disappointing realization to know just how thoughtless and insensitive to other human beings we can so simply and predictably be programmed to be.

Tossing a thing you don’t want or no longer desire to the curb is not really that bad if it’s biodegradable, which a baby is, I guess; but come on now—let’s apply some standards.

Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm. That desire is now long, long ago in the past. A distant memory. And much like getting a bill in the mail for a nice meal you ate nine months ago, you see it (baby or bill) and think, “Huh? That was nine months ago? I’m not paying for this!!” And we toss that baby or bill into the bin. Life is cheap here in America. It’s the living that is expensive. Perhaps that abandoned baby would have grown up to shoot someone point blank in the face for twelve dollars and some (admittedly) pretty cool sneakers. That’s still no excuse.

Isn’t that Jesus’ job anyway? Shouldn’t he be whispering in the fevered hallucinating imagination of the drug-addled mom while she passes by one of the hundred of thousands of churches in this country? Why is the cop forced to clutter up the back of his car with a sticker like that? That space might be better used to remind people that if a cop wants, he can beat the shit out of you and can often count on the tacit silence of a thoroughly corrupt force to get away with it. I think that might be a much more effective deterrent to would-be baby leavers. “I will beat the shit out of you so that you lose the sight in your left eye and pins will need to be implanted in your jaw so that you will be able to eat again if I catch you so much as even thinking about abandoning your baby!”

Now there’s an effective bumper sticker!



Continues...

Excerpted from I Drink for a Reason by Cross, David Copyright © 2010 by Cross, David. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 3.5
( 35 )
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See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 35 Customer Reviews
  • Posted August 25, 2009

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    I Also Recommend:

    It's David Cross, man.

    I am a David Cross fan. I thoroughly enjoyed this book. I don't know why people aren't David Cross fans, because I am one. If you're not one, I assume you wouldn't like this, but I'm not sure. He is just blisteringly and hilariously himself in this book. David Cross won't let you off easy, but he doesn't necessarily let himself off easy either. He travels wildly into hyperbole, but I think he's sharpest when he's telling the truth, he swears. The book was hilarious, simply put.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 14, 2012

    You will hate Jim Belushi....

    David Cross has written a phenomenal book. Like other reviewers, I read it from cover to cover without putting it down. The man describes his experiences vividly and HILARIOUSLY and you will only be disappointed when you reach the last page and there isnt anymore. If you've ever seen David Cross' stand-up, you'll know what this book is. Enjoy....and F#%$ Jim Belushi!

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  • Posted August 28, 2009

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    I Also Recommend:

    Warning: This book causes fits of uncontrollable laughter.

    I am a big fan of David Cross' stand-up and sketch comedy.So I was delighted ot learn of his new release.I could not put this book down from the moment I picked it up.I read it cover to cover,only pausing to endure abdominal pains and wipe the tears from eyes from uproarus laughter.this is one of the funniest books I have ever read.It's filled with satrical wit,venomous sarcasm,and razor sharp social commentary.I highly recommend this book to readers looking for a hearty dose of thought provoking laughter.

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