I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me

I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me

3.1 124
by Joan Rivers
     
 

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“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.” —Elizabeth Barrett Browning, 1850

“How do I hate thee? How much time do you have?” —Joan Rivers, today, about two-ish

Joan Rivers, comedienne, actress, jewelry monger, and an award-winning international star…  See more details below

Overview

NOW WITH NEW MATERIAL FOR THE PAPERBACK EDITION

“How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.” —Elizabeth Barrett Browning, 1850

“How do I hate thee? How much time do you have?” —Joan Rivers, today, about two-ish

Joan Rivers, comedienne, actress, jewelry monger, and an award-winning international star (she can sneer in eight different languages) lives by the golden rule: Do unto others before they do unto you—and for God’s sakes, do it funny! Her career in comedy may have begun with self-loathing, but, after looking at the decrepitude around her, she figured, “Why stop here when there are so many other things to hate?” With all of her experiences, Joan has looked down at, turned away from, and thrown up over a lot of hateful things, deplorable places, and despicable people. Thank God she took notes.

Here—uncensored and uninhibited—Joan says exactly what’s on her mind…And HER mind is a terrible thing to waste. She proudly kicks the crap out of ugly children, dating rituals, funerals, and lousy restaurants. She nails First Ladies, closet cases, and hypocrites to the wall. She shows no mercy towards doctors and feminists, and even goes after Anne Frank and Stephen Hawking. Joan lets everyone—including herself—have it in this one hundred percent honest and unabashedly hilarious love letter to the hater in all of us.

This is absolute Joan Rivers. You gotta love her. Even if she hates you.

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Editorial Reviews

Publishers Weekly
Irreverent comedienne Rivers (Men Are Stupid...And They Like Big Boobs: A Woman's Guide to Beauty Through Plastic Surgery) is back with this sometimes funny and frequently offensive treatise on everything she hates, and as the title promises, she spares nothing and no one-not even herself. Victims of her vitriol include "women who think that giving birth is some unique achievement," "ugly children," Christian Bale (though she insists it's "nothing personal"), Annie Oakley, nudists, men without manners, and plenty others. She even takes on interfaith marriages, misleading state superlatives ("For example, New Jersey is nicknamed 'The Garden State.' Really? Have you ever smelled New Jersey?"), the Boy Scouts of America, and "people who complain that 'Joan says "fuck" too much.'" Taken in very, very small doses, Rivers's aggressively acerbic wit can be hilarious, but the unbridled cynicism will likely wear on anyone who isn't Joan Rivers. Photos.
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From the Publisher
“…more punch lines per paragraph than any book I’ve read in years.” —The New York Times

"She holds nothing back." —The Washington Post

“Often hilarious, often shocking, totally politically incorrect.”—Liz Smith

“An entertaining rant…The only thing missing is the sound of a drumroll and cymbals to feel as though one is sitting in a nightclub watching a live comedy marathon…A raucous, biting look at life.”—Kirkus Reviews

“Nobody, but nobody, can hate like Joan Rivers. It is a gift. It is also shocking, the things she makes us laugh at…Joan Rivers is extraordinary, but she's not for the easily offended—or for anyone who gets offended at all. ”—People

Kirkus Reviews
A humorous tirade on nearly everything and everyone. Rivers (Men Are Stupid…And They Like Big Boobs, 2008, etc.) is back with an entertaining rant on how she hates nearly everything and everyone, especially herself. Nothing is sacred to Rivers as she delivers one-liners on the whole shebang of human existence. From birthing a child, having sex, getting married, growing old and dying, to living in cities, eating in restaurants and travelling to foreign lands, the author gives readers her unusual perspective on each scenario. On manners: "I hate people who blow their nose at the dinner table and then look in their hankie. What do they think they're going to find?" On dating younger men: "I'll never be a cougar. I don't like younger men. I don't ever want to wake up in the morning and wonder, Is this my date or did I give birth last night?" On cities: "I hate San Francisco because I not only left my heart there but my hairdresser." Show business, nature, even the slogans each state uses to promote itself…none are immune to Rivers' often-caustic jesting. Relentless in her pursuit, the author is sure to offend everyone at some point in this book, regardless of the comedic intent. The only thing missing is the sound of a drum roll and cymbals to feel as though one is sitting in a nightclub watching a live comedy marathon. The book is best read in small, random batches, with a large martini in hand. A raucous, biting look at life.

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Product Details

ISBN-13:
9781101580882
Publisher:
Penguin Publishing Group
Publication date:
06/05/2012
Sold by:
Penguin Group
Format:
NOOK Book
Pages:
272
Sales rank:
63,959
File size:
3 MB
Age Range:
18 Years

Read an Excerpt

Love may be a many-splendored thing, but hate makes the world go round. If you think I'm kidding, just watch the six o'clock news. The first twenty-nine minutes are all about dictators and murderers and terrorists and maniacs and, worst of all, real housewives. And then, at the very end of the show, there's a thirty second human-interest story about some schmuck who married his cat. I rest my case.

Some things I've hated forever, some are new acquisitions, and some are just passing fancies. Today I hate happy TV weathermen, feminists who believe Gloria Steinem's great looks hurt her, Gloria Steinem herself, people who mispronounce the word ask, studio apartments, guidance counselors, first ladies, old people. So if any of this offends you, or you happen to love puppies and kittens and the infirm . . . well . . . I'm impressed. I hate you, but I'm impressed . . .

I know what you're thinking: "Joan, hate is a very strong word." You're right, it is, but I use it as an umbrella term, the way mental-health professionals use the word schizophrenia as a catchall for any particular brand of crazy they can't identify. So when I say hate, I don't necessarily mean hate. I could also mean loathe, detest, abhor, dislike, despise or resent. See, isn't that kinder and gentler? If you think this makes you a better person than I am, good. You're the idiot that actually paid for this book.

For those of you thinking, Geez, Joan seems a little angry, you're half right. I am angry. I'm also fed up. I'm fed up with the morons and losers and cretins who are cluttering up the planet. Emma Lazarus wrote, "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free." I didn't know she meant on my block. But being fed up and angry is better than being depressed. Psychologists tell us that depression is just anger turned inward, but I say, why waste your time? It is what it is and quite frankly I'd rather be angry than depressed. Why? Because antidepressants like Prozac, Wellbutrin and Zoloft can cause bloating—and I hate bloating!!! (I need to go back and add bloating to the list of things I hate. Is there anything worse than not being able to fit into a size two Valentino? I think not. Talk about depressing.)

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What People are saying about this

From the Publisher
“…more punch lines per paragraph than any book I’ve read in years.” —The New York Times

"She holds nothing back." —The Washington Post

“Often hilarious, often shocking, totally politically incorrect.”—Liz Smith

“An entertaining rant…The only thing missing is the sound of a drumroll and cymbals to feel as though one is sitting in a nightclub watching a live comedy marathon…A raucous, biting look at life.”—Kirkus Reviews

“Nobody, but nobody, can hate like Joan Rivers. It is a gift. It is also shocking, the things she makes us laugh at…Joan Rivers is extraordinary, but she's not for the easily offended—or for anyone who gets offended at all. ”—People

Meet the Author

Comedienne, Emmy Award–winning TV host, Tony-nominated actress and CEO, JOAN RIVERS is an icon of American culture. She is a bestselling author, Celebrity Apprentice winner, writer, producer, director, and savvy businesswoman who has overcome great odds to reinvent herself time and time again. Joan hosts E! Network’s popular series Fashion Police, and stars with her daughter, Melissa, in their own weekly reality show, Joan and Melissa: Joan Knows Best? on WEtv Network. Her critically acclaimed documentary, Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work premiered in theaters nationwide and is available on DVD. Rivers also performs her trademark stand-up comedy act in front of sold-out audiences in the U.S. and abroad. Amongst all of her success, Joan’s most joyous triumph is being a mother and grandmother. She resides in New York and Los Angeles with her three rescue dogs.

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I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me 3.1 out of 5 based on 1 ratings. 124 reviews.
barbarariddle More than 1 year ago
Love Joan Rivers and loved the book. I seldom laugh out loud while reading but Joan's book had me laughing at almost every page. This world needs more laughter and I Hate Everyone...Starting with Me is a good start! Highly recommend it!
ToriM More than 1 year ago
So funny! Especially the part about babies and new mothers. Hilarious! She says all the awful thoughts we have but are too afraid to say!
willfritz97 More than 1 year ago
What's up with all of these reviewers criticizing the book for its 'hate' or the fact that Ms. Rivers 'put[s] down god's son'. THE TITLE SAYS SHE HATES EVERYONE!!!! I don't understand why people expect her to 'tone down the hate', or why they think her hatred would stop at the divine.
sand7s More than 1 year ago
Well done, Joan! really enjoyed it and would recommend!
LC112648LC More than 1 year ago
Usually I enjoy her books. This one was flat depressing!!! Don't recommend it to anyone ....
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I love Joan Rivers so I had to read this book. It is very funny and could be offensive to some readers. This book is filled with all the jokes she's ever used and then more. I watch her on Fashion Police and she is one spontaneously funny lady even off script.
32aimehob More than 1 year ago
sarcasm, truism, a helluva lot of truth and very funny. i enjoyed it tremendously.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
A must read for all Joan Rivers fans
bexmg More than 1 year ago
I am a Joan Rivers fanatic, so I love this book! She tells it like it is and is hilarious while doing so. I can never get enough of her!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Love her crass an unsensored thoughts, just fabulous!
jaybird43 More than 1 year ago
not funny, too serious. not what I expected.
lorisfay More than 1 year ago
The most politically incorrect book I remember reading. I love it. Very funny.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I love Joan but this was a horrible book.
maxJF More than 1 year ago
I love Joan! she tells the truth, thats why people dont like her
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Hilarious!!! the woman is just brilliant!!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
If u dont know she dead
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
I love Joan!! This book was hysterical
--TypePenNameHere-- More than 1 year ago
Classic Joan... If you don't know and love her comedy (explicit language f'n included), you might not get it. She's f'n hilarious!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Irreverent and very funny, precisely Joan Rivers! Glad I read, made me laugh alot!
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
The book is very funny, I laughed out loud several times. If you don't have a sense of humor or don't like Joan Rivers - do not buy this book, you will not get it.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
This is a great book,very much reccomended.
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
was a quick fun read I just love her she tells it like it is
Anonymous More than 1 year ago
Joan, stick to QVC and Fashion Police. This book is just like an Old Don Rickles routine.
Anonymous 11 months ago
Anonymous More than 1 year ago