I Hate You - Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

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Overview

"Am I losing my mind?"

People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) experience such violent and frightening mood swings that they often fear for their sanity. They can be euphoric one moment, despairing and depressed the next. There are an estimated 18 million sufferers of BPD living in America today-each displaying remarkably similar symptoms:

• A shaky sense of identity

• Sudden outbursts of anger

• Oversensitivity to real or imagined rejection

• Brief, turbulent love ...

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I Hate You--Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

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Overview

"Am I losing my mind?"

People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) experience such violent and frightening mood swings that they often fear for their sanity. They can be euphoric one moment, despairing and depressed the next. There are an estimated 18 million sufferers of BPD living in America today-each displaying remarkably similar symptoms:

• A shaky sense of identity

• Sudden outbursts of anger

• Oversensitivity to real or imagined rejection

• Brief, turbulent love affairs

• Intense feelings of emptiness

• Eating disorders, drug abuse, and other self-destructive tendencies

• An irrational fear of abandonment and an inability to be alone

For years BPD was difficult to describe, diagnose, and treat. But with this classic guide, Dr. Jerold J. Kreisman and health writer Hal Straus offer much- needed professional advice, helping victims and their families understand and cope with this troubling, shockingly widespread affliction. This completely revised and updated edition includes information on the most up-to-date research that has opened doors to the neurobiological, genetic, and developmental roots of the disorder, as well as the connections between BPD and substance abuse, sexual abuse, post-traumatic stress disorder, ADHD, and eating disorders, making it a vital reference for understanding and living with BPD.

Borderline Personality Disorder sufferers experience violent, frightening mood swings. For the estimated 10 million people diagnosed with BPD living in America, this helpful guide provides a wealth of professional advice, designed to aid BPD victims and their families in coping with this troubling, widespread affliction.

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What People Are Saying

From the Publisher

"...a book that may save you a lot of time and wasted, misguided pain in dealing with a loved one (with Borderline Personality Disorder)."
-SystemsThinker.com

"...a good resource for professionals and families, because it provides therapists with concrete ideas to incorporate both instruction and hope into their practice by providing patients and their families suggestions in simple, non-condescending language. It is by far the best book on the market on BPD."
-Anita Biase, strugglingteens.com

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780399536212
  • Publisher: Penguin Group (USA) Incorporated
  • Publication date: 12/7/2010
  • Pages: 288
  • Sales rank: 35,873
  • Product dimensions: 5.40 (w) x 8.20 (h) x 0.80 (d)

Meet the Author

Jerold J. Kreisman, MD, is a clinician and educator who founded one of the first acute care facilities in the world designed specifically for borderline patients.
Hal Straus has been a professional medical/health writer and editor for more than twenty-five years. They are also the authors of Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder.
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Read an Excerpt

Chapter One

The World of the Borderline


"Everything looked and sounded unreal. Nothing was what it is. That's what I wantedto be alone with myself in another world where truth is untrue and life can hide from itself."

From A Long Day's Journey Into Night by Eugene O'Neill

Dr. White thought it would all be relatively straightforward. Over the five years he had been treating Jennifer, she had few medical problems. Her stomach complaints were probably due to gastritis, he thought, so he treated her with antacids. But when her stomach pains became more intense despite treatment and routine testing proved normal, Dr. White admitted Jennifer to the hospital.

After a thorough medical work-up, Dr. White inquired about stresses Jennifer might be experiencing at work and home. She readily acknowledged that her job as a personnel manager for a major corporation was very pressured, but as she put it, "Many people have pressure jobs." She also revealed that her home life was more hectic recently: She was trying to cope with her husband's busy legal practice while tending to the responsibilities of being a mother. But she doubted the connection of these factors to her stomach pains.

When Dr. White recommended that Jennifer seek psychiatric consultation, initially she resisted. It was only after her discomfort turned into stabs of pain that she reluctantly agreed to see the psychiatrist, Dr. Gray.

They met a few days later. Jennifer was an attractive blonde woman who appeared younger than her twentyeight years. She lay in bed in a hospital room that had been transformed from an anonymous cubicle into apersonalized lair. A stuffed animal sat next to her in bed and another lay on the night stand beside several pictures of her husband and son. Get-well cards were meticulously displayed in a line along the window sill, flanked by flower arrangements.

At first, Jennifer was very formal, answering all of Dr. Gray's questions with great seriousness. Then she joked about how her job was "driving me to see a shrink." The longer she talked, the sadder she looked. Her voice became less authoritative and more childlike.

She told him how a job promotion was exacting more demands — duties about which she felt unsure. Her five-year-old son was starting school, which was proving to be a difficult separation for both of them. Conflicts with Allan, her husband, were increasing. She described rapid mood swings and trouble sleeping. Her appetite had steadily decreased and she was losing weight. Her concentration, energy, and sex drive had all diminished.

Dr. Gray recommended a trial of antidepressant medications, which improved her gastric symptoms and seemed to normalize her sleeping patterns. In a few days she was ready for discharge and agreed to continue outpatient therapy.

Over the following weeks, Jennifer talked more about her upbringing. Reared in a small town, she was the daughter of a prominent businessman and his socialite wife. Her father, an elder in the local church, demanded perfection from his daughter and her two older brothers, constantly reminding the children that the community scrutinized their behavior. Jennifer's grades, her behavior, even her thoughts were never quite good enough. She feared her father, yet constantly — and unsuccessfully — sought his approval. Her mother remained passive and detached. Her parents evaluated her friends, often deeming them unacceptable. As a result, she had few friends and even fewer dates.

Jennifer described her roller-coaster emotions, which seemed to have worsened when she started college. She began drinking for the first time, sometimes to excess.

Without warning, she would feel lonely and depressed and then high with happiness and love. On occasion, she would burst out in rage against her friends — fits of anger that she had somehow managed to suppress as a child.

It was about this time that she also began to appreciate the attention of men, something she had previously always avoided. Though she enjoyed being desired, she always felt she was "fooling" or tricking them somehow. After she began dating a man, she would sabotage the relationship by stirring up conflict.

She met Allan as he was completing his law studies. He pursued her relentlessly and refused to be driven away when she tried to back off. He liked to choose her clothes and advise her on how to walk, how to talk, and how to eat nutritiously. He insisted she accompany him to the gym where he frequently worked out.

"Allan gave me an identity," she explained. He advised her on how to interact with other lawyers, when to be aggressive, when to be demure. She developed a cast of "repertoire players" whom she could call on stage on cue.

They married, at Allan's insistence, before the end of her junior year. She quit school and began working as a receptionist, but her employer recognized her intelligence and promoted her to more responsible jobs.

At home, however, things began to sour. Allan's career and his interest in body-building caused him to spend more time away from home, which Jennifer hated. Sometimes she would start fights just to keep him home a little longer. Occasionally she provoked him into hitting her. Afterward she would invite him to make love to her.

Jennifer had few friends. She devalued women as gossipy and uninteresting. She hoped that Scott's birth, coming two years after her marriage, would provide the comfort she lacked. She felt her son would always love her and always be there for her. But the demands of an infant were overwhelming, and after a while, Jennifer decided to return to work.

Despite frequent praise and successes at work, Jennifer continued to feel insecure, that she was "faking it." She became sexually involved with a co-worker, who was almost forty years her senior.

"Usually I'm okay," she told Dr. Gray. "But there's another side that takes over and controls me. I'm a good mother. But...

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Table of Contents

Acknowledgments ix

Preface xi

Note to Reader xv

1 The World of the Borderline 1

2 Chaos and Emptiness 22

3 Roots of the Borderline Syndrome 54

4 The Borderline Society 74

5 Communicating with the Borderline 101

6 Coping with the Borderline 123

7 Seeking Therapy 142

8 Specific Psychotherapeutic Approaches 176

9 Medications: The Science and the Promise 192

10 Understanding and Healing 204

Appendix A DSM-IV-TR Classifications 223

Appendix B Evolution of the Borderline Syndrome 229

Resources 241

Notes 247

Index 261

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4
( 28 )
Rating Distribution

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See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 28 Customer Reviews
  • Posted June 10, 2011

    Helpful per therapy doctors

    I am ordering this book for my daughter who has BPD the description I just read fits her to a T. However how do other people handle it who have to be around them 24 7? Anyway her therapist recommended she read this and when she is done I may get it on Nook Book.
    So if a therapist requests it reading for a patient then I would suggest it. My daughter is 37 adopted and we have no idea of history of health issues. But she has battled personality disorders for years. She has threatened suicide so many times that I don't know when the real threat will happen, she says these things in front of her 2 boys. Maybe this will testimonial of sorts will help someone else.

    3 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted December 18, 2010

    Highly Recommend... great book!

    This is a great book for anyone who has Borderline Personality Disorder, or for anyone who knows someone who does. I definitely recommend it.

    2 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted February 2, 2011

    Excellent Guide

    I first read I HATE YOU, DON'T LEAVE ME when the first edition was published almost 20 years ago. At the time it was the first book on Borderline Personality and it has since become the classic in the field. This completely updated edition (December 2010) is a major improvement on the first, as it includes all of the new advances in medications, genetics, and therapies available. Yet it is still concise (only 250 pages) and an easy read, with many case stories that illustrate the principles involved. Twenty years ago there was little hope for those afflicted with BPD--and their families, spouses, lovers, close friends--now the prognosis is much more optimistic. This book will save you the purchase price many times over, in navigating the mental health field, finding a therapist, deciding on the right medications, and most of all understanding what it's like to live with this illness.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 13, 2014

    Gollum

    Great story, captured my interest. Could use more detail...

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 13, 2014

    Author and story critic

    Good detail, and all. But you should've said that her name was Amy in the beginning. And you shoulda also included what was happening on the phone. But if that is supposed to be a suprised, that's all right. Hmm... what else... nope. Great story so far. Keep writing!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted April 13, 2014

    Don't Leave Me [Chapter One]

    A young woman wakes up, her alarm clock ringing. She yawns, and hits the top of the clock, turning it off. "Da<_>mn it. It's 7:45. I over slept," she groans, sitting up in her bed. She runs her hand through her hair, a few times, before standing up. She stretches her long legs, and does a few yoga moves, her long limbs flexible. She looks up, hearing a knocking at the front door. "What the-? It's almost 8:00 in the morning! Who could possibly be here!" She walks out of her bedroom, and journeys her way through the hall, down to the living room, and finally reaching the front door. She grabbed the door knob, but didn't open it just yet. "Who is it?" She asks. A male voice calls through the door, the voice deep, and sweet sounding. "My name is Bradley Fitz Gerald! I'm here from the U.S. Army. I was here to give you a brochure, ma'am," he calls. The young woman swallows hard, knowing the name. He had been her father's friend's son. Her father was in the Army. Her father had a friend named Curtis Fitz Gerald. Curtis had a son named Bradley, whom she knew as a kid. Bradley had been her best friend. But Curtis moved with his son and wife, and she hadn't seen them in over 10 years. "Br- Bradley? Is that really you?" She stutters. The male's voice mutters something, before asking, "Do I know you, ma'am?" The young woman opened the door immediately. "Oh my God. It's you," she whispers. Bradley gets a sudden look of rememberance, and she smiles. "Bradley. I haven't seen you since- 2002." Bradley nods, saluting her. "I follwed in my dad's footsteps! I am proud to honour him. But you. Wha are you doing with your life? Your 17, 18, maybe even 19 now, right?" The woman giggles, and rolls her eyes. "I'm 18, silly. Remember? We were bron on the same day, but two years apart!" Bradley smiles. "Yes, I remember now. It's been awhile. But- uh- I have to go. Maybe sometime we can have coffee, hm?" The woman nods quickly, excitement coursing through her veins. "Of course, Bradley! I'd love coffee! We can catch up!" She reluctantly takes the brochure, memories of her father rushing through her head. She sets the brochure down on a coffee table, and turns back to him. "When?" She asks. Bradley scratches his head, before saying, "Friday. At noon. Don't forget either." He teases her, remembering how his old friend had a bad memory. The woman smiles brightly and leans forward, giving him a hug. "I won't. I promise. Friday at noon. I got it. I'll be there." Bradley hugs her back, before stepping back. "Bye, Amy. I'll see you soon!" He turns around, and walks across the yard, heading towards the next neighbour's house. Amy shuts the door quickly, and jumps up and down excitedly. She suddenly hears her phone ringing, and picks it up. Looking at it, seeing the Caller ID was "Mom", she answered. "Mom? What's up! How's it going?" A voice rang through speaking fast. Amy drops her phone suddenly, hands shaking. "No..." She whispers, tears forming in her eyes. "Not again..." She collapses to her knees, crying with her head in her hands. "Jeremy! No! How!? Why?! I can't believe it," she sobs, tears flowing down her face. <p> END OF CHAPTER ONE. Next result is Chapter Two. I hope you enjoy the story! Leaves your comments and thoughts and ratings at each chapter please!

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  • Anonymous

    Posted October 18, 2013

    Recommended--very informative

    For the novice, this book is a good, easy-to-understand introduction to Borderlines and their particular and persistent difficulties.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 30, 2013

    Scourge

    R u there?

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  • Anonymous

    Posted May 21, 2013

    Michelle

    She lays on a bed tied down.

    0 out of 2 people found this review helpful.

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    Posted March 17, 2013

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    Posted August 4, 2011

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    Posted January 22, 2011

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    Posted November 8, 2011

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