I Hate You - Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

( 44 )

Overview

A revised and updated edition of the bestselling guide to understanding borderline personality disorder.

After more than two decades as the essential guide to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), this new edition now reflects the most up- to-date research that has opened doors to the neurobiological, genetic, and developmental roots of the disorder as well as connections between BPD and substance abuse, sexual abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress ...

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I Hate You - Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

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More About This Book

Overview

A revised and updated edition of the bestselling guide to understanding borderline personality disorder.

After more than two decades as the essential guide to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), this new edition now reflects the most up- to-date research that has opened doors to the neurobiological, genetic, and developmental roots of the disorder as well as connections between BPD and substance abuse, sexual abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome, ADHD, and eating disorders.

Both pharmacological and psychotherapeutic advancements point to real hope for success in the treatment and understanding of BPD.

This expanded and revised edition remains as accessible and useful as its predecessor and will reestablish this book as the go-to source for those diagnosed with BPD, their family, friends, and colleagues, as well as professionals and students in the field.

Borderline Personality Disorder sufferers experience violent, frightening mood swings. For the estimated 10 million people diagnosed with BPD living in America, this helpful guide provides a wealth of professional advice, designed to aid BPD victims and their families in coping with this troubling, widespread affliction.

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What People Are Saying

From the Publisher
"...a book that may save you a lot of time and wasted, misguided pain in dealing with a loved one (with Borderline Personality Disorder)."
-SystemsThinker.com

"...a good resource for professionals and families, because it provides therapists with concrete ideas to incorporate both instruction and hope into their practice by providing patients and their families suggestions in simple, non-condescending language. It is by far the best book on the market on BPD."
-Anita Biase, strugglingteens.com

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780399536212
  • Publisher: Penguin Group (USA) Incorporated
  • Publication date: 12/7/2010
  • Pages: 288
  • Sales rank: 42,635
  • Product dimensions: 5.40 (w) x 8.20 (h) x 0.80 (d)

Meet the Author

Jerold J. Kreisman, MD, is a clinician and educator who founded one of the first acute care facilities in the world designed specifically for borderline patients.
Hal Straus has been a professional medical/health writer and editor for more than twenty-five years. They are also the authors of Sometimes I Act Crazy: Living with Borderline Personality Disorder.
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Read an Excerpt

Chapter One

The World of the Borderline

"Everything looked and sounded unreal. Nothing was what it is. That's what I wantedto be alone with myself in another world where truth is untrue and life can hide from itself."

— From A Long Day's Journey Into Night by Eugene O'Neill

Dr. White thought it would all be relatively straightforward. Over the five years he had been treating Jennifer, she had few medical problems. Her stomach complaints were probably due to gastritis, he thought, so he treated her with antacids. But when her stomach pains became more intense despite treatment and routine testing proved normal, Dr. White admitted Jennifer to the hospital.

After a thorough medical work-up, Dr. White inquired about stresses Jennifer might be experiencing at work and home. She readily acknowledged that her job as a personnel manager for a major corporation was very pressured, but as she put it, "Many people have pressure jobs." She also revealed that her home life was more hectic recently: She was trying to cope with her husband's busy legal practice while tending to the responsibilities of being a mother. But she doubted the connection of these factors to her stomach pains.

When Dr. White recommended that Jennifer seek psychiatric consultation, initially she resisted. It was only after her discomfort turned into stabs of pain that she reluctantly agreed to see the psychiatrist, Dr. Gray.

They met a few days later. Jennifer was an attractive blonde woman who appeared younger than her twentyeight years. She lay in bed in a hospital room that had been transformed from an anonymous cubicle into apersonalized lair. A stuffed animal sat next to her in bed and another lay on the night stand beside several pictures of her husband and son. Get-well cards were meticulously displayed in a line along the window sill, flanked by flower arrangements.

At first, Jennifer was very formal, answering all of Dr. Gray's questions with great seriousness. Then she joked about how her job was "driving me to see a shrink." The longer she talked, the sadder she looked. Her voice became less authoritative and more childlike.

She told him how a job promotion was exacting more demands — duties about which she felt unsure. Her five-year-old son was starting school, which was proving to be a difficult separation for both of them. Conflicts with Allan, her husband, were increasing. She described rapid mood swings and trouble sleeping. Her appetite had steadily decreased and she was losing weight. Her concentration, energy, and sex drive had all diminished.

Dr. Gray recommended a trial of antidepressant medications, which improved her gastric symptoms and seemed to normalize her sleeping patterns. In a few days she was ready for discharge and agreed to continue outpatient therapy.

Over the following weeks, Jennifer talked more about her upbringing. Reared in a small town, she was the daughter of a prominent businessman and his socialite wife. Her father, an elder in the local church, demanded perfection from his daughter and her two older brothers, constantly reminding the children that the community scrutinized their behavior. Jennifer's grades, her behavior, even her thoughts were never quite good enough. She feared her father, yet constantly — and unsuccessfully — sought his approval. Her mother remained passive and detached. Her parents evaluated her friends, often deeming them unacceptable. As a result, she had few friends and even fewer dates.

Jennifer described her roller-coaster emotions, which seemed to have worsened when she started college. She began drinking for the first time, sometimes to excess.

Without warning, she would feel lonely and depressed and then high with happiness and love. On occasion, she would burst out in rage against her friends — fits of anger that she had somehow managed to suppress as a child.

It was about this time that she also began to appreciate the attention of men, something she had previously always avoided. Though she enjoyed being desired, she always felt she was "fooling" or tricking them somehow. After she began dating a man, she would sabotage the relationship by stirring up conflict.

She met Allan as he was completing his law studies. He pursued her relentlessly and refused to be driven away when she tried to back off. He liked to choose her clothes and advise her on how to walk, how to talk, and how to eat nutritiously. He insisted she accompany him to the gym where he frequently worked out.

"Allan gave me an identity," she explained. He advised her on how to interact with other lawyers, when to be aggressive, when to be demure. She developed a cast of "repertoire players" whom she could call on stage on cue.

They married, at Allan's insistence, before the end of her junior year. She quit school and began working as a receptionist, but her employer recognized her intelligence and promoted her to more responsible jobs.

At home, however, things began to sour. Allan's career and his interest in body-building caused him to spend more time away from home, which Jennifer hated. Sometimes she would start fights just to keep him home a little longer. Occasionally she provoked him into hitting her. Afterward she would invite him to make love to her.

Jennifer had few friends. She devalued women as gossipy and uninteresting. She hoped that Scott's birth, coming two years after her marriage, would provide the comfort she lacked. She felt her son would always love her and always be there for her. But the demands of an infant were overwhelming, and after a while, Jennifer decided to return to work.

Despite frequent praise and successes at work, Jennifer continued to feel insecure, that she was "faking it." She became sexually involved with a co-worker, who was almost forty years her senior.

"Usually I'm okay," she told Dr. Gray. "But there's another side that takes over and controls me. I'm a good mother. But...

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Table of Contents

Acknowledgments ix

Preface xi

Note to Reader xv

1 The World of the Borderline 1

2 Chaos and Emptiness 22

3 Roots of the Borderline Syndrome 54

4 The Borderline Society 74

5 Communicating with the Borderline 101

6 Coping with the Borderline 123

7 Seeking Therapy 142

8 Specific Psychotherapeutic Approaches 176

9 Medications: The Science and the Promise 192

10 Understanding and Healing 204

Appendix A DSM-IV-TR Classifications 223

Appendix B Evolution of the Borderline Syndrome 229

Resources 241

Notes 247

Index 261

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Customer Reviews

Average Rating 4
( 44 )
Rating Distribution

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(18)

4 Star

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2 Star

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1 Star

(3)

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See All Sort by: Showing 1 – 20 of 44 Customer Reviews

  • Anonymous

    Posted October 21, 2003

    The Rest of the World is Wrong...I'm All Alone

    This book changed my life! I am so glad I was led to this book two years ago. I was just walking through the bookstore looking for something to read and this book seemed to call to me. Little did I know that I would read it and begin a harsh but needed journey through the sordid yet wonderful world of ME. Finding out that the problem doesn't lie with everyone else but with me was hard at first, but it has helped me to do quite a self-inventory. Understanding that the Borderline has a life-long journey ahead of them has helped me to always stay on the path of self-improvement. I recommend this book to any woman who has come to a brick wall with a mirror in it. It will help you to understand the woman in the reflection and to stop using the excuse that it has to be everyone else.

    10 out of 10 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  NoThank you for your feedback.   Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.

  • Anonymous

    Posted February 21, 2001

    The title says it all

    I found this book to be very insightful. I myself as a Borderline Female found comfort in reading this highly intuitive book. It described some of the feelings I have and it gave explainations on ways to help cope with the tornado of feeling Borderline patients face.I recommend this book to anyone who wishes to undersatnd the Bordeline in their life.

    6 out of 6 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted September 17, 2003

    Learning To Be Objective, Not Subjective In Regard To Life With A Borderline Personality Family Member

    My husband and I adopted a war victim from Nicaragua in 1984. One minute she was very loving and sweet; the next violent and extraordinarily angry. She was hospitalized at St. John's Mercy Hospital my husband and I had a conference with Dr. Jerry Kreisman, the author. This book helped me to look at our adoopted child's behavior objectively, and ease some of my emotional pain dealing with her. One day I would feel such love and warmth for her, and the next day sheer dismay due to her meanness. After twenty years I've read this a few times in order to remind myself how to deal with her - to protect my own emotions. I only wish I could learn more, or find out better how to help her.

    5 out of 6 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted October 15, 2003

    Good but needs updating

    Borderline personality disorder has levels of prevalence, social dysfunction, health care utilization, and chronicity that make its public health significance similar to that of other major psychiatric disorders such as schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, or major depression, yet it has not received comparable attention. This was one of the first books offered to the broader public, and as such deserves its place in the BPD literature. Borderline personality disorder often leaves those who become intimately involved feeling guilty, helpless, and like they have personally failed. For an excellent example of this sense captured in a book, read Walker's THE SIREN'S DANCE: MY MARRIAGE TO A BORDERLINE, which also has clinical appendices discussing DBT, etc. Both of these books will give the reader a great understaning of this very complicated and hard to treat condition.

    5 out of 6 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted September 17, 2002

    wow

    when i was handed this book from my dr. i never seen any book written on bpd. as i started to read i was shocked. i felt as if someone was inside my mind. someone REALLY did thier homework....thank you for taking the time to understand. it means so much to me.

    5 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

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  • Posted April 1, 2009

    I Also Recommend:

    Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship
    Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder
    Stop Walking on Eggshells
    Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder
    Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified: An Essential Guide to Understanding and Living with BPD

    Shedding the Light on BPD

    This is a great book for anyone suffering from BPD or knows anyone who is. This book helped me to understand/make sense of my Mom's otherwise confusing actions and personality traits.

    4 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  NoThank you for your feedback.   Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.

  • Posted June 10, 2011

    Helpful per therapy doctors

    I am ordering this book for my daughter who has BPD the description I just read fits her to a T. However how do other people handle it who have to be around them 24 7? Anyway her therapist recommended she read this and when she is done I may get it on Nook Book.
    So if a therapist requests it reading for a patient then I would suggest it. My daughter is 37 adopted and we have no idea of history of health issues. But she has battled personality disorders for years. She has threatened suicide so many times that I don't know when the real threat will happen, she says these things in front of her 2 boys. Maybe this will testimonial of sorts will help someone else.

    3 out of 4 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 19, 2010

    Glad to see this book is being updated

    I have to keep in mind that I need to review it for the time period in which it was published, which was 1991. Fast forward nearly twenty years later, and there has been more research and development on BPD. This book was breakthrough at the time. BPD was not new, however the diagnosis and understanding of it was. This is not an easy book to read, both in terms of depressing subject matter and also because I had to have a dictionary handy while I read. It's definitely a good read, if not depressing. If you're interested in this book, or the topic of BPD for that matter, you probably have a loved one who is BPD. People who don't have a BPD person in their life and are not studying personality disorders will probably find this a waste of time and difficult to understand. On another note, I'm happy to see that an updated version of this book will be available next month.

    3 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted November 4, 2000

    Helpful

    Very well done, An insightful book about the borderline personality. As a social worker I found many of the characteristics familiar. I wish this had been written 20 years a

    3 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted December 18, 2010

    Highly Recommend... great book!

    This is a great book for anyone who has Borderline Personality Disorder, or for anyone who knows someone who does. I definitely recommend it.

    2 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted June 24, 2006

    This book shouldn't be your first choice...

    I found this book very wordy and difficult to keep reading. There are many other books out there on this subject that are easier to read. This should be a book that you read after one of the easier books.

    2 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted August 20, 2001

    Married a Borderline Wife

    I was losing my mind trying to figure out what happened the very next day after the wedding. Finally, after several months of insanity I saw this book on a shelf in the store and the title immediately JUMPED out at me! This book probably saved my life (quite literally, a number of times). After reading what my wife was about and trying to get her to read the book helped through years of wild insane rage and abuse from her. Unfortunately, I have come to believe what the authors mentioned that there is little hope for those with BPD, but they can grow through some of the rageaholic tendencies. Be prepared for the worst abuse you can imagine and NEVER hide the sickness from anyone. Only exposure to supportive friends, family, therapist, church and the like, will give any hope for redirecting the wild rages and euphoric highs. Definitely needs to be a support group for BPD and victims of BPD.

    2 out of 3 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted February 2, 2011

    Excellent Guide

    I first read I HATE YOU, DON'T LEAVE ME when the first edition was published almost 20 years ago. At the time it was the first book on Borderline Personality and it has since become the classic in the field. This completely updated edition (December 2010) is a major improvement on the first, as it includes all of the new advances in medications, genetics, and therapies available. Yet it is still concise (only 250 pages) and an easy read, with many case stories that illustrate the principles involved. Twenty years ago there was little hope for those afflicted with BPD--and their families, spouses, lovers, close friends--now the prognosis is much more optimistic. This book will save you the purchase price many times over, in navigating the mental health field, finding a therapist, deciding on the right medications, and most of all understanding what it's like to live with this illness.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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  • Anonymous

    Posted May 16, 2013

    Game Room

    ~Michele

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 3, 2011

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted July 17, 2011

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted March 17, 2013

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted August 4, 2011

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted March 29, 2012

    No text was provided for this review.

  • Anonymous

    Posted March 12, 2009

    No text was provided for this review.

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