I Wish I Never Met You: Dating the Shiftless, Stupid, and Ugly [NOOK Book]

Overview

Preston the Project Mishap
Ernest the Undercover Sugarbooty
Marvin the Married Man-Boy
Forrest the Foul Fiancé
What single woman hasn't been desperate enough to risk it all in an attempt to find True Love? Vulnerable enough to believe in the whole girl-meets-boy, girl-and-boy-fall-in-love, the-two-live-happily-ever-after, blah, blah, blah? ...
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I Wish I Never Met You: Dating the Shiftless, Stupid, and Ugly

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Overview

Preston the Project Mishap
Ernest the Undercover Sugarbooty
Marvin the Married Man-Boy
Forrest the Foul Fiancé
What single woman hasn't been desperate enough to risk it all in an attempt to find True Love? Vulnerable enough to believe in the whole girl-meets-boy, girl-and-boy-fall-in-love, the-two-live-happily-ever-after, blah, blah, blah? News flash: It never happens that way. Eventually, a girl learns that the road to Mr. Right is littered with more than a few Mr. No Ways.
I Wish I Never Met You is the hilarious, uncensored confession of one woman, reeling from a lifetime of dating disasters -- the blind dates, the nightclub crawlers, the ballers, the liars, and the ugly but earnest suitors. As she tries to sort out what she's learned from the heartache and the embarrassments, she'll have you laughing out loud, thanking God it's not your life while recognizing that you've made all the same mistakes.
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Editorial Reviews

Publishers Weekly
Offering up a set of cautionary tales that are "a generous contribution from me to society," Wheatley's nameless African-American heroine describes the fate of 13 hapless suitors in this flimsy, sour debut. Each man suffers from a physical, emotional or maturational deficiency-or a combination thereof-that eventually destroys the relationship; each story is followed by a scrambled moral of sorts advising readers who not to get with ("Bottom Damn Line: Fuck a fence-straddling pansy who makes you feel like a manly reject"). The narrator's men include seriously overweight Doug, ugly Horace and effeminate Ernest, as well as a series of types: liar, married man, unwed father, player. The book concludes with a final episode in which the narrator gets what many will conclude she deserves. Wheatley's antiheroine is not quite the edgier, black Bridget Jones the cover copy claims; instead, she is abrasive and unpleasant. "When I take revenge, there are no regrets," she writes, and her remorseless attitude, rather than confident and bold, seems smug and superior. In one particularly unsavory episode, she forces a man who does her wrong to swallow a mouthful of urine. She eventually admits to being an "unbalanced woman," but the reader has long since lost interest in her persistent, self-induced misfortunes. Agent, Carolyn Grayson. (Aug.) Copyright 2004 Reed Business Information.
Kirkus Reviews
A young, single, and pathologically irritable black heroine knows she's too good to be played by yet another "broke-ass, fucked-up, wanna-be-but-ain't-never-gonna-be famous, hype-ass loser."That would be Willy the Weed Smoker, just one of a long line of rejected men, including, among others, Bubba the Bogus-Ass Baller, Horace the Human Ape, and Cecil the Circus Midget. The unnamed narrator of this ranting first novel freely heaps scorn on her dates' physical appearance, egotism, revolting habits, empty wallets, etc. She wrinkles her nose at the downright disgusting places they take her, reserving her most vitriolic sallies for anything that smacks of poverty or crime. Drug addicts? Pimps? Ho's? People who can't afford a decent pair of shoes? Don't get her started, especially on important s**t like shoes. She has her pri-or-i-ties straight, real straight, and Mr. Right has to be around here somewhere. In fact, he better show his freakin' face before she kills somebody. Don't these triflin' s***heads get it? She wants and deserves only the best. It's never made clear why she's too good for this rogue's gallery, since she communicates for the most part in repetitive obscenities, hates everything and everybody, and is clearly a whole lot dumber than the men she despises. But a girl can dream: she wants to be a singer. Her demo tape could lead to a contract, but she sure won't be singing love songs. Mean-spirited and unfunny.
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781416585435
  • Publisher: Touchstone
  • Publication date: 11/1/2007
  • Sold by: SIMON & SCHUSTER
  • Format: eBook
  • Pages: 224
  • File size: 359 KB

Read an Excerpt

Chapter One: One Night Only

There are those of us who love to go out and socialize. Toast with good alcohol. Dance to good music. Puff on good cigars. And, if appropriate, meet good potential mates. When the right encounter occurs, we unattached individuals are convinced that things will go from the exchanging of phone numbers to the first call to the first date to the first kiss to the first time to the first anniversary to the first wedding RSVP to the first baby carriage. Right?

Wrong. Doesn't always happen that way. Sometimes we may approach someone and not get any conversation whatsoever. If we do, we may not get the digits. If we do, we may not get the returned phone call. If we do, we may not get the first date. If we do, it may be a disaster. If it is, we never make it to the kiss, the sex, the wedding, or the baby carriage.

Then there are those of us who get tired of the random party scene. We are looking for an alternate route. So we abandon the barren bars and corny clubs. We decide to talk to family, friends, co-workers, and churchgoers to find out whether or not they know a good, compatible person to introduce us to. We listen closely to our options. We take our pick. We sit on the edge of our seats and wait for that initial phone call or e-mail. One of the two occurs. We love the conversation or message exchange. We anticipate that first date. We pray that this could be it. But what if it isn't?

If it isn't, we decide to hit the party scene again. But on a different level this time. We attend only events that are being thrown by someone we know. That way we already have an idea of what types will be in attendance. Hopefully we trust, admire, and respect the host or hostess. If we do, then we eagerly assume that the majority of his or her guests will be worthy of the same adulation. If we meet someone interesting, the ability to obtain a reliable reference is there. In case things don't work out with the person we've selected, we take mental notes of other options so we can ask about them later. But considering the faith that we've put into the host or hostess, we have already assumed that our first choice will probably work out. Probably is the operative word here.

If things don't work out, then we get tired of all forms of socialization. Period. All parties become superfluous. All matchmaking options have been exhausted. We decide to end our quest altogether. We stick to our regular routine and stop going out of our way to meet someone. But we still secretly hope that we'll experience a close encounter at the gas station, grocery store, health club, or church. That way, after telling everyone that we'd given up on relationships, we can lie and say that our furthest expectation was to find that special someone. We'd just been minding our business. Taking care of our affairs. Feeling content simply being alone. Then along came a miracle. Fate was on our side that day. Or was it?

As you will soon discover within the first three chapters of this book, nothing I just said really matters. It doesn't matter where or how you meet a person. Nothing is guaranteed. No territory is safe. The enemy could be lurking anywhere. Segregating sinners from do-gooders is illegal. So the boldest adulterers are still allowed to go to church. The most devious deceivers are still allowed to shop at the grocery store. The biggest liars are still allowed to work out at the gym. And the most despicable individuals are still allowed to befriend our matchmakers and pull off an unsuitable hookup.

I've run the gamut. I've been through it all. The parties, the matchmaking, the subconscious searches, and the letdowns. The situations where eager anticipation lasts so much longer than the actual event. How did I get through all of these ill-fated encounters and learn to prevent similar situations from occurring? Turn the page and find out.

Copyright © 2004 by Denise N. Wheatley
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Table of Contents

Contents

Intro

I: One Night Only

Doug the Heinous Dragon

Preston the Project Mishap

Ernest the Undercover Sugarbooty

II: I Want It All

Willy the Weed Smoker

Leroy the Loser-Ass Liar

Warren the So-Called Wonder

Bubba the Bogus-Ass Baller

III: Unholy Matrimony

Forrest the Foul Fiancé

Marvin the Married Man-Boy

Dennis the Dumb-Ass Divorcé

IV: The Big Payback

Horace the Human Ape

Igor the Ignoramus

Cecil the Circus Midget

Outtro
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Sort by: Showing all of 6 Customer Reviews
  • Posted April 18, 2010

    more from this reviewer

    I Also Recommend:

    OMG!!

    I completely enjoyed this book. It has a different kind of style of writing. Its not a self-help book but its not really a fiction novel either. Its like a collection of bad dating stories that are oh so funny and bad! LOL! I am so glad there is someone out there who did worse than me. But at the same time, the end still gives us all hope that one day we will find that special someone.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted June 3, 2005

    Awful

    I thought this book was the worst book i ever read. You would think that the girl would have some kind of common sense dealing with the opposite sex. She portrays herself as a woman with low-self esteem, morals and everything that comes within the territory. Common sense would have eliminated this book entirely!

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted August 2, 2004

    I Wish I Never Met You: Dating the Shiftless, Stupid, and Ugly

    I screamed with laughter, whooped with delight and just totally cracked up on the chapters pertaining to the losers, sorries and creeps that girlfriend dealth with along with her painful and hectic journey of totally getting rid of the throw-outs and the tainted rotten meat. I can relate to her desires because I have seen it happen countless times to young women who have positive hopes that they will meet Mr. Right and not Mr. Loser or Mr. Trifling or Mr. Lyar. Great and hold your attention read. I enjoyed it immensely!!!!!!!!!!!

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted August 1, 2004

    ' What Garbage'

    Once again, the white print establishment is promoting an attack on Black manhood. However, this book comes on the aftermath of a period were bashing Black men was considered chic'. It is no longer the case. The author navigates her way from one negative situation to another while paying lip service to the real problem; 'she continues to gravitate toward the worst'. Ugly, Shiftless, Overweight, Cheap. etc...? are ultimately her choices. Choices that are on the bottom of the latter. Why does she not attract the black intellectual, the black activist, the more cultural prepared man whom has a working framework, a value system in place that would lead toward a happy, successful, and fulfilling relationship? Simply stated, the reason is 'garbage attracts garbage'. And that is exactly were this 'psuedo' representation of literature belongs.

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  • Posted December 9, 2008

    more from this reviewer

    An amusing chick lit short story collection

    She makes no apologies for her treatment of men, insisting she was not always right or wrong as all she wanted was to find her soulmate. Instead the sister insists that the highlights of her manly encounters were the dregs; some of the cretins she ¿dated¿ had genetic issues and those were higher up the food chain than several of these losers. In other words there are an overwhelmingly larger number of Mr. Wrongs than Mr. Rights................ I WISH I NEVER MET YOU is often an amusing chick lit short story collection starring a sassy (too cocky perhaps for some) in your face African-American woman. The narrator circumcises the males she encounters for containing physical, mental, emotional, or marital status failures. Some readers will be turned off by the profanity and vividly graphic descriptions of her ¿golden¿ dates with the ¿shiftless, stupid, and the ugly¿. Still well written, the audience will laugh at the antics and comments of the narrator, but also feel somewhat guilty for doing so since the protagonist is dislikable for her arrogant disregard of the feelings of others she considers her inferiors as throughout this anthology slices and dices men.......................... Harriet Klausner

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  • Anonymous

    Posted July 30, 2004

    I Wish I Never Met You: Dating the Shiftless, Stupid, and Ugly

    I bought this book this morning at a book store and I just finished it. I whooped, hollered, screamed with laughter, cracked up and was laughing so loud my family thought that something was wrong with me. The girl told the stories in a hilarious way about the various 'LOSERS'. I ESPECIALLY loved the bottom line after each chapter. Denise, this is a winner!

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