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Wrap & Roll and the Disappearance of Nikki’s Keys
Nikki’s keys were gone.
Just gone.
“I don’t understand,” I said emphatically. “You had them yesterday.”
“I’m aware of that,” she replied. “But somewhere in between being drunk yesterday and sober today, my keys vanished.”
“And you’re going to make me help you look for them, I suppose.”
“No, you’re going to gladly help me look for them because you’re my friend and you also owe me forty dollars,” she said.
Let me explain right now that Nikki does not do things in a small way, she never has. Take a simple thing like losing your keys. The last time she lost them, not only couldn’t she drive anywhere, but she had also locked every door in the car for the first time in her life. This created a problem because she had left her roommate’s dry cleaning in the trunk. And that created a problem because the dry cleaning consisted of every military uniform that he possessed. And that created another problem because he needed to be at the airport in two hours, since he was flying out on an Army mission overseas. And that created yet another problem, because he couldn’t show up in civilian clothes at the Army place because he said they would immediately shoot him in the head or give him a dishonorable discharge, because the Army doesn’t fire people, they just kill them or ruin their lives forever. And we still had yet another problem on our hands, and that was that Nikki was the only ride he had to the airport.
So, because Nikki lost her keys, someone was either going to die or spend the rest of his ruined life working at the only job he could get, which would probably be working at a record store or managing a record store. But the story actually didn’t turn out too sad. After spending seventy-five dollars on a locksmith to get into the trunk, we found Nikki’s keys, leisurely placed right smack on top of an arsenal of khaki-green uniforms.
And if the reconnaissance of Nikki’s keys had a seventy-five-dollar price tag, there was a terrifying chance my forty-dollar loan might get called in, which was bad. Especially since it was most likely being deposited at that very moment in the bank account of our favorite bar.
“Please don’t tell me that you were messing around with the trunk this time, or that your kid is sitting in the backseat with all of the windows rolled up, or that you left something of mine, like my CDs, on the front seat,” I said as beads of worry were rolling down my forehead.
“I knew you’d help me! I just have to change into something yucky so I don’t get dirty,” she said before bounding up the stairs.
Whatever, I thought as I shook my head, and figured I’d get a head start by rifling through the cushions of the couch. I found a lighter right away, which I pocketed. Then I found thirty-seven cents, which I also pocketed, and a hairy LifeSaver that I left for the next couch-cushion bandit.
“Okay, I’m ready,” she said as she came down the stairs, wearing the T-shirt with my caricature and name on the back that was made up during my days at Arizona State University’s State Press Magazine.
“I thought you said you were going to put on something ‘yucky,’ ” I said immediately. “That’s my shirt. It’s got my face on it. And my name. That’s yucky? To you that’s yucky?”
“I didn’t mean yucky yucky, just, you know, yucky,” she answered.
“So I’m not yucky yucky, I’m just plain yucky?” I snapped. “What would make it yucky yucky? Maybe if I had signed it or given it to you as a gift?”
“Yeah. No, I mean, it’s my favorite shirt. I love this shirt,” she explained.
“Well, I’m just sorry that it’s so ‘yucky.’ I should have given you the ones we made out of the silk from those endangered worms.”
She smiled. “Okay, I have to get my stick, and then we can go and look for my keys,” she said.
“What do we need a stick for?” I asked. “We can break the car window with a rock.”
“No, the stick isn’t to break the window, it’s to poke at the trash.”
“We’re poking at trash? Why are we poking at trash?” I asked.
“I think my keys are in the bottom of the trash bag that I took out yesterday.”
“Let me get this straight: So you’re wearing my shirt while we dig through other people’s waste?”
“Right. See, if I thought it was yucky yucky, I’d wear it if the toilet overflowed.”
Nikki found the stick—actually a broom handle—and we journeyed to the Dumpster, which is about as big as my house and smells worse. We climbed up the side and looked down into it, down into all of Nikki’s trash as well as the trash of forty of her neighbors. That day, it was 114 degrees out, and the stench of the garbage was visible in stink lines that waved before my face in wiggly patterns, like in cartoons. Nikki started stabbing the trash with the stick, trying to find her own bag that was conveniently located at the very bottom.
Things were flying and falling everywhere—kitty litter and kitty turds, rotten vegetables and old food, used Kleenexes, and lots of dead things. Everybody in Nikki’s complex is on birth control pills, I found out. All of a sudden, a bag Nikki had poked broke open, and then this little white thing rolled right in the center of my visual zone.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!” I screamed.
“What?” Nikki asked as she started to turn toward me.
“Don’t look!” I said as I blocked her view, knowing that she has a weak stomach and gets queasy when I talk about picking noses or when I mention anything whatsoever about poo, so I knew she would get sick if she saw what I saw, which was a white, naked, and, at some point, used tampon applicator.
Jesus, I thought to whomever it had belonged to, didn’t your mother ever teach you about those things? I mean, Christ Almighty, as soon as my mother suspected that my ovaries were beginning to percolate, she sat me down in the only private room in the house—which was her bathroom—broke out a roll of toilet paper and a maxi pad, and taught me how to wrap & roll. Three wraps over the middle and three wraps over the side. Roll & wrap, it’s the polite thing. Even I could figure it out at the age of eight. And, for added protection, you could stick God’s little bundle in a plastic baggie, so when the dogs got loose in the house they wouldn’t find it and tear it apart, as our dogs, Ginger and Brandy, loved to do. Immediately following the hands-on demonstration, I got the “Not-So-Fresh-Feeling” speech, after which I ran to my room and sobbed for an hour because Barbie didn’t have an outfit that came with a tiny maxi pad, tampon, or Summer’s Eve.
Well, we found Nikki’s trash bag, but, of course, the keys weren’t in it. In fact, as of this moment, Nikki lost her keys three weeks ago, and we still haven’t found them. Who knows where they are?
Maybe, somehow, in the weird way that things work in Nikki’s World, maybe someone wrapped Nikki’s keys three times over the middle and three times over the side, and some hungry dog just ate them.
Anonymous
Posted January 31, 2004
This book was really funny for the first few chapters then the humor fell off. I was disappointed as I kept reading because each chapter seemed more pointless and dry than the previous. The only reason I ended up actually finishing the book was because I held on to the hope it would get better, but it didn't. Overall the book is mediocre.
2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
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Posted August 27, 2002
I was suckered into this book by its catchy title and enticing cover-- do not make the same mistake I did by buying this book. Aside from a few chuckles here and there, Notaro's stories fall into the 'it was funny at the time' category. Her tales of drunken stupors get tired really fast. The quality of writing is no better than average and the stories aren't all that interesting. The only thing good about this book is that it is a quick read.
2 out of 2 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Anonymous
Posted September 1, 2002
Thank God I borrowed this book from the library and didn't waste one penny on it. After reading the reviews, I was really looking forward to this read. It sounded clever. I like clever. This was not clever. VERY disappointing. I like a good story about being drunk as much as the next person, but an entire book of stories about being fall-down drunk and smoking too much and poor me this and poor me that was too much whining for me. One star is being kind.
1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Mishka_OP
Posted December 27, 2012
I liked it, she had some really funny parts, but the character itself (which I am sure is an exaggerated version of herself) grossed me out in parts with all the smoking...but that is just me.
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Posted December 31, 2011
It always takes me forever to read her stuff bc i laugh so hard i cry. I have never laughed while reading as much i did reading this book. I love, love this book
another great book by laurie notaro! this is the second book i've read (first being "i love everybody" ... and i loved that book so much that i am going back and reading them in order.
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Posted May 15, 2010
Laughing out loud thru the whole book!
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.Kellika
Posted May 5, 2010
I Also Recommend:
When I bought Chelsea Handler's latest book, the cashier told me about Laurie Notaro. The way she explains her life adventures is hilarious. I brought this book on a cruise and while flying to my destination, I was laughing so hard I was crying. My seat partners started laughing, it was contagious. I'm definitely going to get her other books.
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.barretthansen
Posted March 31, 2009
There are maybe 3 stories in here that resonated with me, but frankly, the main theme appeared to be getting drunk and then doing stupid stuff.
Wish I had passed. Nice writing, though.
This is the first book I had ever read by this writer. She is so witty and has such a good sense of humor. I just love her writing style. I have since read all of her books. They are just a fun read!!!
Was this review helpful? Yes NoThank you for your feedback. Report this reviewThank you, this review has been flagged.palma78
Posted October 15, 2008
This book is absolutely hilarious.
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Posted June 30, 2008
This was by far one of the funniest books I've ever read! It's good to know there are more 'idiot' girls out there! I want more!
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Posted November 28, 2007
I bought this book a few years back, and I've re-read it probably about 200 times because it is just so funny! I take the T to work, and I feel no shame in openly slapping my knee as I read this book. For us clumsy, above size 2 frizzy haired girls, it's very relateable!
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Posted November 17, 2006
This book is in one word amazing. It captures the true thoughts that course through our heads, in a realistic and hilarious tone. My friends and I loved it so much, we have now dubbed it with the name 'The Bible', and have used it as a guide on how to not take life too seriously. The best fun occures when you let loose and enjoy. I seriously recommend this novel to any woman who has ever felt average and not quite amazing, because this is a tribute to you.
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Posted September 23, 2006
What does that mean you ask? You know- when you are laughing so hard that your laughter becomes silent and you are crying and can't breath from laughing so much you almost fall out of your chair!! If you have even a slight sense of humor, YOU MUST READ THIS BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would give it 6 stars if I could!
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Posted December 29, 2005
I have read all of Laurie's books a few times each. They are hilarious, and quite often I can relate. The first is still my favorite. I can't wait until she writes again.
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Posted December 23, 2005
Every women should read this book and every book that Laurie has written they are hilarious because everything she writes is true and we can all relate.
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Posted September 30, 2005
I stumbled upon the world of Lauri Notaro because I was bored at work and browsing the internet. I must say it was luckiest day of my literary life. She had me laughing hysterically from paragraph one. I have read almost all of her books and am continuing the hilarious journey. I have pushed the books on all my friends and they too have been charmed by Ms. Notaro's sarcasm and wit. I suggest this book to any woman who has been enraged by people in the check out line or who have looked at their family and doubted their sanity. ENJOY!
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Posted August 16, 2005
I love this book! I got it as a birthday gift from my book-lover friend and I couldn't stop thanking her. I love reading the short stories whenever I need a 'pick-me-up'. Can't wait to read another one of her books!
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Posted June 28, 2005
I had been looking forward to reading this book a lot after reading her other book 'I Love Everybody' (which I loved), I did enjoy this one but not as much. I did get a little annoyed where in one essay she's talking about one person, and then in the next she mentions them again and tells you all about them again, it's like I know, I just read that, although since they're essay's maybe that's why. I'd still like to read her other book too.
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Overview
Introducing Laurie Notaro, the leader of the Idiot Girls’ Action-Adventure Club. Every day she fearlessly rises from bed to defeat the evil machinations of dolts, dimwits, and creepy boyfriends—and that’s before she even puts on a bra.
For the past ten years, Notaro has been entertaining Phoenix newspaper readers with her wildly amusing ...