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If He Doesn't Come a Callin': Practical Tips on Dating
By Charlene Sabb
AuthorHouseCopyright © 2011 Charlene Sabb
All right reserved.
Chapter OneSex on the First Date
No! Ladies, don't do it! Having sex with a man on the first date is a wonderful way to kill a relationship before it has the chance to get started. That's not to say that a relationship can't prosper after having sex on the first date, but it starts the relationship off to a very shallow and superficial start. We may even fool ourselves into believing shortly afterwards that we are in love, since the sexual act is such an intimate and personal act for most women. We take men into our bodies, and we tend to form emotional attachments to them very quickly and confuse love with lust.
For men, sex is not so deep! Sorry ladies! Their penis is literally and figuratively an extension of themselves. They can poke their appendages into many different holes and females without catching true feelings. Men can talk lines to make a woman feel empowered, beautiful, and in control, but if we succumb to their sexual desires and our own, they truly have the power. Ladies, do not fall victim to the gift of a man's gab! Once we give into our sexual desires, we tend to become clouded by our emotions; we may really believe that we are in love, but we are confusing love with lust and sexual gratification.
I have often witnessed women lose all senses and control once a relationship has been consummated. Some of us get very clingy and overly caught up. We are extremely emotional creatures by nature; we cannot help it, as it is part of our genetic fiber. Conversely, a man does not have it in his repertoire, in general, to be a walking ball of emotions; it's what makes them who they are. The differences between men and women are something that we must all recognize and accept. Knowing these grave differences, we must protect ourselves and our hearts. Jumping into bed too soon may actually cause some of us to lose our heads and hearts, especially if the relationship does not flourish or work out to our satisfaction. For many of us, the expectations have been raised, as we begin to want much more from a man once the sex has become a part of the relationship. We become very delusional, and in some cases, we heighten the relationship and make it into something that it is not. Sex can be very powerful for both men and women. In some cases, individuals, both male and female, can get too intertwined into the other person. It has been my observation that it is usually the female getting caught up and not the male. Some of us go crazy by calling him constantly, doing drive bys to check on his every move, or straight up stalking a man. All of these outrageous actions will assure that you will no longer have a relationship, and you will rightfully be exposed as the unstable, crazy person who you are; he will definitely stop calling you.
I have been there, and I have witnessed women of all walks of life, some even holding prestigious positions, absolutely lose their minds over some penis. What makes matters worse is when we have a tendency to equate great sex or sex in general with love. Do not fall victim by confusing sex with love. I cannot stress to you the importance of postponing any type of sexual act with a man until time has elapsed, and you are sure that he is the person who you truly want to be in a relationship with, and he has let you know that you are, in fact, the woman who he wants to be in an exclusive relationship with too. If you do not want to have a serious relationship and just want a casual, sexual relationship, you would not be reading this book. If that is not the case, wait on having sex with a man. Take your time to really get to know the other person before becoming sexually involved to avoid having your practical judgment impaired. If a relationship is what you are both after, wait, and you will most likely have a very gratifying sexual experience once some time has elapsed, and the two of you have sex for the first time. Make him wait; he will respect you and appreciate you more if you make him wait.
In many ways, relationships have many psychological aspects, and if he waits, you send a message to him that you mean business and that you are not trying to have a meaningless fling. Making him wait will give you more appeal to him, and it will most likely make him want you more. You will capture his mind and become more intriguing and challenging to him. Men love challenges, even if they don't admit it. If he is truly interested in you, he would not mind waiting; it is a man who can't wait who you want to avoid, as a man who does not wish to wait may be the type of man who you need to move away from. A man who has a concern with waiting is a problematic, red flag issue, and he is the type of man who is either not serious minded about you and/or may have a problem with putting sex ahead of other matters of significance, like getting to know you and building a tangible relationship with you. Once the panties drop, the calls may stop!
Chapter TwoSpace and Avoiding Neediness
One area in which we go wrong is not giving the men who we are dating space. The other area where we go wrong is summed up in one word: neediness. My mother used to always tell me and my sister to "Never be too available to a man." Mother dropped this very sound, excellent advice on me when I was young and dumb and did not reach the point in my life in which I realized my own power and worth in my romantic relationships. Her advice was so true. Many of us women feel special when the men who we are dating call us constantly for our company at either his place or ours.
Honestly, it is unhealthy for a man or a woman to spend too much time with each other. A healthy relationship allows the two individuals to have alternative outlets that involve being engaged in activities that feature doing other things with other people. It is awful having a female friend who gets too involved in her relationship that she forgets her friends and makes the man in her life her world; it sends a negative signal to everyone that she puts men ahead of everyone and everything.
We all have either been that woman or seen that woman who becomes so attached to a man, and in some cases, the man may be too attached to her as well. A man who demands too much of your time may be a sign of some type of deeper control issues that are not great signs of things to come. At any rate, have your own life and identity, maintain the normalcy of your life, and do not change or deviate from the things that make you who you are or that you find enjoyable. Avoid dropping your routines, practices, and friends because you are now dating or in an exclusive relationship. Create and preserve a good balance in your life that affords you the opportunity to have a life with family and friends, a career, adequate time for yourself, and the infusion of that special man into your life. I made it clear to infuse him into your life, but do not make him your life. Relationships that are too devoid of space can be a recipe for disaster and instability. These types of relationships create a codependency that needs to be stopped immediately. If you get too attached to a man, and the relationship falls apart and ends, you will be left alone and in need of the comfort of your friends who are probably annoyed and upset with you for abandoning them while you were overly caught up in your relationship. As you seek their comfort and try to reestablish your ties with your abandoned friends, you will look foolish in their eyes; it is a situation that you would not want to be in, but many women constantly do it.
A sign of a good relationship is an adequate amount of space. Ladies, do not fall for this trap, as men have a tendency to be like hunters who enjoy the thrill of the chase. Do not feel the need to see him at his request all of the time. Conversely, resist your own desire to see him all of the time too. Space is good and healthy. Try to occupy your time with hobbies, outings with your girlfriends, family, coworkers, etc. Do not allow a man to dominate your time, and do not dominate HIS time either!
Oftentimes, women lose out on relationships by becoming too available. We tend to get caught up in an emotional wave that results in us wanting more and more of his time. This need for his time comes from within, as him wanting to see us constantly serves the purpose of us feeling validated in the relationship. We begin to say to ourselves, "He wants to be with me ... he must really be into me." We feel the need to be at his beckon call to fulfill our needs and to prove our loyalty and devotion to his needs, but beware, as this lack of space on a constant basis can backfire and work to your disadvantage. Think of the old adage, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder," and let that be your guide.
This chapter also focuses on neediness; the notion of avoiding neediness is closely related to the need for space mentioned in the chapter, but it is different in many ways. A woman may give a man space, but still exude neediness by calling too much, texting too much, and/or demanding too much of his time. Men are turned off by a woman who does not have a life! Ladies, enroll in a cooking class, learn knitting, exercise, get a degree, or an advanced degree; in short, enroll in something that peaks your interest. Not only will it allow you to become a well rounded person, and everyone loves a well rounded person, but it will let a man know that he is not the only individual in the relationship with a life. Allow him to miss you a bit. Make yourself busy, very busy! I know that it may be very tempting and appealing to spend plenty of time with a man who interests you, but you must avoid being too needy and available when you are really into the man with whom you are dating. It is very difficult when he is giving you much attention and adoration. He may be inviting you to a party, a sporting event with his friends/other couples, out to dinner, his house, etc., but you must decline some of the offers. I am not saying to refuse all of these wonderful and exciting invites, but I am saying not to be his doormat; you must resist the urge to accept EVERY invitation that he offers to you.
In this day in age, I have come to the realization that many things pertaining to dating and keeping one interested is a matter of the mind, not necessarily playing mind games, but a lady must know how to play her cards right. There are plethoras of dating mistakes that we can avoid if we conduct ourselves appropriately in every dating situation. A mode of conduct that worked well with one man in a past dating situation may not work well in another dating situation with the next man. Learn how to read certain clues and cues from the man you are dating to see if he may possibly be getting too comfortable and complacent. Let him see that you have many matters to tend to and that you are not at his disposal; if you do this, trust me, it will appeal to him and allow him to see you as a woman who is in high demand, in control, not idle, and has a life. Try it, it works!
Chapter ThreeTime to Cook
Okay, ladies! The old expression that says, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach," is so true! Even if the man in your life can cook, show him what you can do in the kitchen. Never let a man feel that he cannot rely on you for a nice home-cooked meal. Cater to your man's appetite and nourishment needs. Never make him feel like it is a cumbersome burden to prepare a meal for him at ANY time of the day. A man wants to be made to feel like he is a man, especially after working a long, hard day and facing life's daily demands and pressures. The meal can evolve into a nice intimate experience in which the two of you can dine in and have a very therapeutic, decompressing conversation over the meal that you prepared for him out of the love and care that you have for him. Find out what his favorite foods are. Make a well balanced meal that is wonderful for the mind, body, and soul that includes the basic food groups, and you may include some libations to set the mood and help him to relax, if he drinks alcohol.
A meal should not be made exclusively for dinner; surprise him with a nice breakfast in the morning or a hearty meal for lunch. I am not saying that you should not have your man pamper YOU with a nice meal that he has prepared or a night out to a fine restaurant, but I believe that a woman must not escape from the realms of domesticity by cooking on a regular basis. You will truly be the envy of the wives, girlfriends, and fiancées of his male friends; conversely, his friends will envy the nice meals that you provide for him, especially when his friends cannot brag about receiving such comparable cooking and treatment from the women in their lives. You do not have to be a great cook; just know how to make the basics, like cooking a steak in the skillet or grill, making mashed potatoes and gravy, cooking scrambled eggs, as I have yet to meet a man who does not like scrambled eggs, steak, as well as mashed potatoes with some gravy. You do not have to be a modern day Julia Childs or comparable to Rachel Ray, just know how to navigate around the kitchen and cook a good meal on a regular basis.
When trying to cook, do not overexert or overextend yourself if cooking is not your forte; meaning that if you are not an avid cook, who can effortlessly navigate through a kitchen and create supreme meals, then, do not try to make beef wellington or quiche loraine, especially if you know a friend who can, and you wish to duplicate her cooking success ... it will be a disaster! Ladies, stay in your own cooking zone, keep it simple and within your cooking ability and range. My mother is an excellent gourmet cook by hobby, and I know plenty of people who try or have tried to duplicate her recipes, and it turned out to be an utter disaster. I suggested that you cook a meal for him, but do not go far out of your realm to be someone or something that you are not. On the flipside, be honest with him, if you aren't a cook, tell him, never lie or mislead him by convincing him that you are something that you are not. The truth will eventually come out, and it can ruin a relationship.
Close to fifty years ago, when my parents first started dating, my mother was a single parent with a toddler. My dad and mom had a storybook courtship that included going out to parties, concerts, or some type of event almost every weekend. I can recall the many times in which my dad and mom shared the stories of their courtship with me. I also recall the many times that my dad would mention how my mother was so far ahead of the other women in his past because she was not only a clean woman who kept a spotless and neat home, but an excellent cook. Many of the women who he was involved with in the past could not cook and/or never offered to make him a meal, and it was a plus that my mom cooked very well, as she had been cooking since the age of 11 on a country farm in South Carolina. My parents dated for 5 years before he proposed to her, and he knew that she was the one all along, but especially after she made him a meal that consisted of leg of lamb with mint jelly and potatoes. To this day, my mom occasionally prepares this dish for him, and it is nice hearing my parents retell the story of this very important and pivotal dish in their courtship decades ago.
I do feel that one should augment their cooking skills and prepare meals on a consistent basis. I am not saying that you should confine yourself to the kitchen, but you should make a conscious effort to cook and do what is needed to improve your cooking skills, even if it means consulting others for cooking tips and recipes. Try it ladies! Cooking will be one of the many keys to unlock the heart of the man in your life and give you the love that you want from him.
Excerpted from If He Doesn't Come a Callin': Practical Tips on Dating by Charlene Sabb Copyright © 2011 by Charlene Sabb. Excerpted by permission of AuthorHouse. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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