If I Were a Man, I'd Marry Me


It's no understatement when the Atlanta Journal-Constitution calls P. S. Wall "Erma Bombeck with attitude." Now America's wry new humorist casts her penetrating eye on everything from felines to Elvis, dieting to weed whackers, country living to sexy French tour guides, not to mention . . .

Younger men: "If you fall in love with a younger guy, it's like trying to have a ...
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2000 Trade paperback New. No Priority in this item. (Ns-Ac) Glued binding. 240 p. Audience: General/trade.

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It's no understatement when the Atlanta Journal-Constitution calls P. S. Wall "Erma Bombeck with attitude." Now America's wry new humorist casts her penetrating eye on everything from felines to Elvis, dieting to weed whackers, country living to sexy French tour guides, not to mention . . .

Younger men: "If you fall in love with a younger guy, it's like trying to have a relationship with a jock strap. There's just no give, and expansion is totally out of the question."

Speeding: "Traffic police are a mystery to me. As far as I'm concerned, it's just not natural for a guy to stop a woman for going too fast."

Cars: "Buying a truck is like dating. If you're not careful, you'll end up paying for that test drive the rest of your life."

Politics: "In our neck of the woods, 'politically correct' means mounting your Rush Limbaugh sticker on the right side of the bumper."

There's just no stopping a woman with a "smart-aleck streak as wide as she claims her posterior to be."* Both acerbic and playful, If I Were a Man, I'd Marry Me is humor with a savvy sting.

* Minneapolis Star Tribune
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Editorial Reviews

Publishers Weekly - Publisher's Weekly
As this collection of Wall's syndicated "Off the Wall" columns shows, the author has opinions about almost everything having to do with relationships. Wall (My Love Is Free... but the Rest of Me Don't Come Cheap) and her friends can spend endless time and energy discussing, complaining and laughing about the men in their lives. In "The Mattress Authority," Wall recounts an overcrowded flight. After upgrading to first class and leaving her companion (referred to as Sweetie), she finds herself seated next to a hooker ("Actually, I prefer escort"). For the rest of the flight, Wall listens carefully as the escort shows off her $1500 custom-made Italian stilettos and talks about the advantages of waxing over shaving. In "Dress," Wall describes how many outfits she must try on before pleasing Sweetie. "Help me out here," she says. "What am I aiming for?" To which Sweetie replies: "Oh, you know... conservative, without concealing the fact that you're a woman. Sophisticated, yet playful. Worldly, but Made in America." In "Faithful," Wall reports that a woman named Gloria, who's working on her husband's political campaign, wants to know if she's being unfaithful if she dreams about another man--in this case, Al Gore(!). Funny and amusing, Wall delivers her insights lightly and never takes herself too seriously. (Aug.) Copyright 1999 Cahners Business Information.
Kirkus Reviews
The woman has a way with words and an attitude toward life that puts it all in proper, if delightfully skewed, perspective. This is a collection of syndicated newspaper columns originally titled "Off the Wall." With her significant other,
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9780345434968
  • Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
  • Publication date: 7/5/2000
  • Edition description: 1ST TRADE
  • Pages: 240
  • Product dimensions: 5.51 (w) x 8.27 (h) x 0.55 (d)

Meet the Author

Paula Wall
P. S. Wall has worked as a teacher, a park ranger, a salesperson, a waitress, an environmentalist, and a business owner. She is the author of My Love Is Free . . . But the Rest of Me Don't Come Cheap.


In 1996, Paula Wall took a couple of "snippets" she'd written to her local newspaper. One year later, the National Society of Newspaper Columnists named her Humor Columnist of the Year. Wall's column, Off the Wall, went on to become Universal Press Syndicate's #3 Internet column after Dear Abby and News of the Weird, with a weekly readership of over 8 million. She was also a finalist for the Thurber Prize.

Two collections of her columns were published: My Love is Free... But the Rest of Me Don't Come Cheap, and If I Were A Man, I'd Marry Me, which stayed on the Top Requested Humor Books List for 28 weeks, sandwiched between Ben Stiller and George Carlin, a position where Wall says she had always longed to be.

The Rock Orchard is Wall's first novel. She lives on a farm in Tennessee where she writes in a closet.

Biography courtesy of the author's official web site.

Good To Know

Some fun outtakes from our interview with Wall:

"I'm a verbal klutz. I'm always mixing up words. A couple of weeks ago my Better-half and I were at a bookstore looking at magazines and I asked him if the actress on one of the covers had been ‘auto-shopped.' He said, "You mean, ‘Photo-shopped?' Then, he took a closer look and said dryly, "On second thought, considering the amount of body work done, you had it right the first time.'"

"I never look in the mirror until it's too late. I just throw on clothes and go. Better-half and I were standing at the checkout and a little kid behind us tugged on his mother's sweater and whispered, ‘Mommy, is she poor?' I looked down and I was wearing jeans I'd had since college. The knees were gone, the seat was a mere memory, and there was a dab of paint from every house I'd ever lived in. Better-half had been trying to get me to pitch them for years.

‘See,' he said, ‘it's time to retire those rags.'

‘But they make me look thin!'

‘Honey, if that butt looked any bigger the U. S. Post Office would assign it a zip code.'"

"Bury me on a bed of moss. I'm a country girl to the marrow of my bones. Better-half, on the other hand, thinks a four-star hotel is roughing it. Several times a year he drags me to Manhattan and tries to rub some culture into me. Within fifteen minutes, I'm on a first name basis with the hotel staff, asking about their kids, and trading recipes."

"Last summer, in an effort to make me feel more at home in the Big Apple, Better-half rented bikes, and we rode around Central Park and the Upper East Side. Even the squirrels' fur coats were haute couture. As he eyed a gazelle-looking jogger (and she eyed him back), he turned to me and said ‘See, there is wildlife in the city.'"

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    1. Also Known As:
      P. S. Wall
    2. Hometown:
      Nashville, Tennessee
    1. Date of Birth:
    2. Place of Birth:
      Clarksville, Tennessee
    1. Education:
      B.S., Environmental Science, Austin Peay State University
    2. Website:

Read an Excerpt

Jockey Strap Love

My girlfriend is dating a younger man. Let me clarify that. Actually, she's dating an embryo. I have jeans older than this boy.

This afternoon we met for lunch, and I can't say it went that well. Through the whole meal I couldn't decide whether to rip his shirt off or cut his chicken into bite-size pieces.

I will admit, sitting there next to her baby beau, Kat looks great. It's as though she's found the fountain of youth. Or at least a twenty-ounce returnable bottle.

"Isn't she bold?" the kid says as he watches Kat walk across the restaurant to the ladies' room.

I look up from my penne pasta to see who in the world he's talking about. Kat's a good friend and I love her like a sister, but I can't say bold is an adjective that immediately comes to mind. Italic, maybe, but not bold.

"See, the thing about older women is," he says, "they are just so-ooo together. I mean, like, they know what they want and they go for it."

Suddenly a choir of angels bursts into the Hallelujah

Chorus and tears well up in my eyes. I have been blessed with a vision. I'm not getting older. I'm getting more together.

"And . . ." the kid adds, his mouth full, "they pick up the check."

Why a woman would date a younger guy is a mystery to me. Intellectually, I realize age doesn't have anything to do with anything. I know fifty-year-old women who have twenty-year-old bodies, and forty-year-old women who are dumb as squash.

But let's face it, boys do not drop out of the womb gracious creatures. If you fall in love with a younger guy, it's like trying to have a relationship with a jock strap. There's just no give, andexpansion is totally out of the question.

So I ask my cousin to explain it to me. She's a psychologist. She knows about these things.

"Either it's a classic case of a woman's pathetic attempt to regain the lost exhilaration of youth," Cuz says analytically. "Or she's got the hots for young studs."

Guys are like dogs. You wish you could take them all home when they're puppies. But after they've howled all night and slobbered all over everything, you come to realize that the ones who are already trained are much easier to live with.

I will admit there is something about a young guy that causes the heart to flutter. But for me, it is mostly those rare moments when the man he might become manages to flicker through.

It takes time and experience for a boy to ripen into a man of quiet character. I'll take sophistication and wisdom over youth any day of the week. Give me the man who knows what he wants and goes for it.

And of course, one who can pick up the check.
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