If Life Is a Game, These Are the Rules: 10 Rules for Being Human as Introduced in Chicken Soup for the Soul (2 Cassettes)

Rule One: You Will Receive a Body

You may love it or hate it, but it will be yours for the duration of your life on Earth.

The moment you arrived here on this Earth, you were given a body in which to house your spiritual essence. The real "you" is stored inside this body--all the hopes, dreams, fears, thoughts, expectations, and beliefs that make you the unique human that you are. Though you will travel through your entire lifetime together, you and your body will always remain two separate and distinct entities.

The purpose of this body is to act as the buffer between you and the outside world and to transport you through this game we call life. It also acts as a teacher of some of the initial and fundamental lessons about being human. If you are open to all the lessons and gifts your body has to offer you, it can impart to you valuable bits of wisdom and grace that will guide you along your path of spiritual evolution. It can provide you with the basic knowledge and understanding you will need to be grounded within it before you can progress onward on your journey.

The body you are given will be yours for the duration of your time here. Love it or hate it, accept it or reject it, it is the only one you will receive in this lifetime. It will be with you from the moment you draw your first breath to the last beat of your heart. Since there is a no-refund, no-exchange policy on this body of yours, it is essential that you learn to transform your body from a mere vessel into a beloved partner and lifelong ally, as the relationship between you and your body is the most fundamental and important relationship of your lifetime. It is the blueprint from which all your other relationships will be built.

We each have a different relationship with our body. You may think of yours as a custom-designed home, ideally suited for your spirit and your soul. Or you may feel that your body is not well matched to your essence, thus trapping you in an ill-fitting cage. Perhaps you have a strong connection with your body, and you feel that you have an easy, satisfying, and familiar bond with it. You may be uncomfortable with your body and feel that you would like it to be different--stronger, thinner, healthier, more attractive, or less clumsy. Or perhaps you feel alienated from it, as if some mistake had been made when the body assignments were handed out. No matter what you may feel about your body, it is yours and the relationship you establish with it will have a great deal to do with the quality of your life experience.

The challenge of Rule One is to make peace with your body, so that it can effectively serve its purpose and share its valuable lessons of acceptance, self-esteem, respect, and pleasure. Everyone must learn these basic principles before they are able to journey successfully through life.


Acceptance

"I find that when we really love and accept and approve of ourselves exactly as we are, then everything in life works."

Louise Hay

If you are one of the rare and fortunate people who already experience your body as perfect exactly as it is, with all its foibles and strengths, then you have already embraced the lesson of acceptance and can fast-forward to the next lesson. However, if any small part of you believes that you would be happier if you were thinner, taller, larger, firmer, blonder, stronger, or some other physical alteration you think would magically transform your life for the better, then you might want to spend some time learning about the value of true acceptance.

Acceptance is the act of embracing what life presents to you with a good attitude. Our bodies are among the most willing and wise teachers of this lesson. Unless you spend a large percentage of your time engaged in out-of-body experiences, your body shows up wherever you are. It can be like an ever-present benevolent guide or a lifelong cross you bear. The decision is yours, based on how well you learn this lesson.

For many people, their body is the target for their harshest judgments and the barometer by which they measure their self-worth. They hold themselves up to an unattainable standard and berate themselves for coming up short of perfection. Since your physical shape is the form in which you show up in the world, it is very often the way you define yourself, and often the way others define you. The way you view your body is directly related to how close you are to learning the lesson of acceptance.

Imposing harsh judgments on your body limits the range of experiences you allow yourself to enjoy. How many times has a potentially wonderful day at the beach been tainted by your judgments about how you look in a bathing suit? Imagine how liberating it would be to happily walk across the warm sand without feeling self-conscious. Think of all the activities in your life that you have deferred until you look different, better, or perhaps even perfect. I have a friend who dreams of learning to scuba dive, but refuses to even try because she worries about how she would look swaddled in a tight rubber wet suit. Complete self-acceptance would allow her, and you, to fully participate in all aspects of life, without reservation, immediately.

Like many women I know, I spent years preoccupied with my thighs. I didn't just wish they were thinner, I was actually engaged in a private war with them. I wore the longest Bermuda shorts I could find, even on the hottest summer days, too embarrassed to expose them. I was convinced that my life would be enhanced if my thighs were firm and tight and didn't jiggle. I wanted my thighs to cooperate with my agenda of how I was supposed to look. I had disowned them, so of course, they reciprocated and stubbornly refused to magically transform themselves into taut, supple, wiry limbs. Suffice it to say, my thighs and I were not peacefully coexisting.

I finally decided to put an end to this cold war by vowing to learn to love my thighs. This was easier said than done. It is easy to love those parts of yourself that you already perceive as lovable, but far more difficult to give up your beliefs of how you should look. I decided to spend a few minutes every day giving positive attention to my perceived enemy. Every day I massaged rich vanilla-scented lotion into them. As I did this, I concentrated on sending them mental messages of partial then complete acceptance. For the first few weeks I felt ridiculous, but eventually I got over that. I still didn't look forward to seeing my thighs exposed in the harsh bathroom light every morning, but at least I didn't immediately cover them with a bath towel so as to conceal them from my own eyes.

As time passed, I actually did begin to appreciate my thighs for their strength and reliability. I gratefully acknowledged the support they give me, and their ability to sustain me on my daily three-mile run. Much to my delight, they responded in kind and began to cooperate by firming up. The key here, however, was not that they changed in order for me to accept them. It was because I accepted them that they eventually aligned with my wishes.

There is much documented proof that the mind and body are connected, so acceptance of your body is not only essential for your emotional well-being, it is essential for your physical health, as well. Denying your body complete acceptance can lead to illness, whereas practicing acceptance can heal disease. Even the modern medical community now embraces the value of self-acceptance for its power to maintain a healthy mind and body.

You know you are moving in the right direction when you can accept your body exactly as it is in its present form. True acceptance comes when you can embrace and appreciate your body as it is right now, and no longer feel that you need to alter it to be worthy of someone's love--most especially your own.

Does this mean that you should never endeavor to improve your body? Or that you have to be resigned to what you have been given? Of course not. It is perfectly natural and human to want to be at your physical best. What this does mean, however, is that you need to stop criticizing, judging, or finding fault with your body even when you are not at your healthiest or most attractive. The drive for self-improvement is completely healthy as long as it comes from a place of self-love rather than a feeling of inadequacy. The question to ask yourself when you want to be sure of the source of your desire for a new hairstyle or more sculpted biceps is, "Do I feel like I need this new body shape (or hair color, wrinkle cream, wardrobe--the list is long) to make me happy?" If the answer is yes--and be honest with yourself--you might want to spend some time working internally on the lesson of self-acceptance before you spend time and money searching for an external solution.

I frequently tell my clients and students, "Love all the parts of yourself, and if you can't love them, change them. If you can't change them, then accept them as they are." As you grow and age, your body will present you with some very challenging things that you simply cannot change. At the extreme end of the spectrum, you may be afflicted with a physical disability, or a debilitating disease, or some other physical ailment that makes your body that much harder to accept. But still accept it you must, no matter how insurmountable the task may seem. The Special Olympics are filled with people who have accepted their bodies despite obvious handicaps.

How can you begin to learn the lesson of acceptance? By recognizing that what is, just is, and that the key to unlock the prison of self-judgment lies in your own mind. You can either continue to fight against your body's reality by complaining bitterly and immersing yourself in self-deprecation, or you can make the very subtle but powerful mental shift into acceptance. Either way, the reality remains the same. Acceptance or rejection of your body only carries weight in your mind; your perception has no bearing on how your body actually looks, so why not choose the ease of acceptance rather than the pain of rejection. The choice is yours.

What are you not accepting about your body?


Self-Esteem

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Eleanor Roosevelt

Self-esteem is feeling worthy and able to meet life's challenges. It is as essential as the air we breathe, and just as intangible. It comes from the depths of our core, yet it is reflected in every single outward action we take, grand or small. It is the essence from which we measure our worth and the most important building block in the foundation of our psyches.

If self-esteem is a lesson that you need to learn, you will be tested over and over until you feel confident about who you are and understand and believe in your intrinsic value. Your body may provide you with enough opportunities to work on this lesson throughout your entire lifetime.

Your body may teach you the lesson of self-esteem by testing your willingness to view yourself as worthy, regardless of what you look like or how your body performs. A friend of mine is a public speaker who has had two major accidents in his life: first, a motorcycle accident set 90 percent of his body on fire, and then several years later, a small plane crash broke his back and put him in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. Through many years of hard inner work, he came to realize that in spite of his circumstances, he could live a fulfilled life as long as he approached it with the right attitude. Rather than dwelling on all the things he cannot do, he now focuses on those things he can do. His life's work is to inspire audiences with his lecture called "It's not what happens to you, it's what you do about it." He demonstrates on a daily basis that he is able to meet life's challenges and that he is worthy of happiness despite severe physical shortcomings.

The process of building self-esteem is threefold. The first step is to identify what stands in your way. By acknowledging the limiting belief that you have about yourself, you can then move to the second step: to search your soul for a deeper core connection with who you really are. The third step is to take action, whether that means valuing yourself just as you are or making a positive change.

Throughout her life, my dear friend Helen has been a strikingly attractive woman. She used to have gorgeous white-blond hair, which, when juxtaposed against her sun-bronzed skin, made heads turn when she entered a room. Helen's external identity was based on her arresting coloring, and so she maintained a deep tan year-round by spending many hours baking in the sun.

When Helen was in her late forties, she was diagnosed with skin cancer. She had to undergo surgery on her face which left a small scar, and she was no longer permitted to sunbathe. To Helen, the scar was of minimal concern compared to the fact that she would no longer be the bronzed beauty she identified herself as. Without her trademark tan, Helen would have to dye her hair back to its original brown to avoid looking washed out. Helen's self-esteem plummeted as she struggled to accept the loss of what had been "her look" all those years. She needed to let go of the former image she had of herself.

It took Helen close to a year to repair her self-esteem. She needed to identify that she was measuring her worth by her external appearance, which furthermore had to be that of a tanned blond. Through many months of hard work, she was able to reconnect with the core of who she is and realize that that belief was holding her back from feeling good about herself again.

It is now several years later, and Helen's scar is barely noticeable. She has returned to her natural coloring and now has lovely brown hair and ivory skin. Sometimes when she looks in the mirror, she needs to remind herself of her inherent worth by connecting to her inner source: her spiritual essence. She realizes that her true inner self will be with her for the rest of her life, while looks will change and fade--ultimately being an unreliable source of self-esteem.

Remind yourself often that self-esteem is ephemeral. You will have it, lose it, cultivate it, nurture it, and be forced to rebuild it over and over again. It is not something to be achieved and preserved, but rather a lifelong process to be explored and cultivated.

Where do your feelings of worthiness stem from? Search to discover the pathway to that source, for you will need to revisit that source again and again throughout your lifetime. When you can easily find your way to the core of your essential value, then you know you have learned this lesson.


Respect

"Your body is your vehicle for life. As long as you are here, live in it. Love, honor, respect and cherish it, treat it well and it will serve you in kind."

Suzy Prudden

To respect your body means to hold it in high regard and honor it. Respect is treating your body with the same care you would give any other valuable and irreplaceable object. Learning to respect your body is vital.

When you respect your body, you are in partnership with it. You become grounded in your physical body and able to benefit from all it has to offer you. Respect carries reciprocal energy. Your body will honor you when you honor it. Treat your body as a structure worthy of respect and it will respond in kind. Abuse or ignore it and it will break down in various ways until you learn the lesson of respect.

I know a man named Gordon who views his body as a sacred temple. Besides keeping it extraordinarily fit through regular exercise and sports, he maintains excellent health by always caring for it diligently. He eats only healthy foods, would never dream of going out in the cold improperly dressed, and generally treats his body as a valuable treasure. As a result of all the love he gives it, his body never fails him. He is almost always at optimum performance. His body is his beloved partner and ready to do whatever he needs it to do.

Of course, each person's body is different. It could be considered a big stretch for anyone else to maintain the level of attentiveness Gordon gives his body. Every person's body has a specific formula that works for it. It is your responsibility to become acquainted with your body's individual requirements. No one diet works for everyone, nor does any one sleep or exercise regimen. True respect comes from learning what your body needs to run at optimum performance, and then making the commitment to honoring those needs.

At the opposite end of the respect spectrum is Travis, a twenty-nine-year-old diabetic who refused to take his disease seriously. Travis is a wealthy, handsome jet-setter who loved living in the fast lane. He indulged often in vodka martinis, stayed out late frequently, ate red meat and rich, sugary desserts, and eventually became addicted to cocaine. Despite his doctor's warnings, Travis refused to change any of his unhealthy behaviors. He would not accept that his illness made his body's requirements different from those of his friends.

The downward spiral continued for months, peppered with severe bouts of illness, until one day Travis crashed. A friend found him collapsed on the bathroom floor and intervened, saving Travis's life. Travis's lesson of respect was learned at a painful price, but he finally moved through the denial, neglect, and abuse and learned to honor his body's specific needs and uniqueness.

As Travis illustrates, learning to respect your body is challenging in a world filled with excess and temptation. Going along with the group and indulging yourself is sometimes a lot easier than respecting your boundaries. Indulging yourself now and then is fine--in fact, at times it is even healthy--as long as you are not compromising your own special requirements. If you know spicy food makes you sick, but you love it anyway, how many times do you need to indulge and compromise your body's truth before you learn to respect its limitations? Not too many, I hope, for your own sake.

Treat your body with deference and respect, and it will respond accordingly. Listen to your body and its wisdom; it will tell you what it needs if you ask, listen, and take heed.


Pleasure

"It ain't no sin to be glad you're alive."

Bruce Springsteen

Pleasure is the physical manifestation of joy. Your body teaches you pleasure through your five senses. When you indulge in any spontaneous behavior or physical sensation that unlocks the joy stored within you, you create space in your consciousness for pleasure.

Your body can be one of the greatest sources of pleasure when you open your five senses fully and experience the physical wonder of being alive. Pleasure can come in the form of sight, like when you see a magnificent sunset, or taste, like when you eat a favorite food. It can come as a glorious musical sound or the soft touch of a lover. The only secret to learning the lesson of pleasure is to make time and space for it in your life.

How much pleasure will you allow yourself? Many people have an invisible quota in their minds for the amount of joy they will permit themselves to experience. They become so busy living life that they view pleasure as a luxury they simply do not have time for. Things like lovemaking or playing take a back seat to the everyday motions of living.

However, your life simply will not work as well when you deny yourself pleasure. The old adage of all work and no play making you dull is quite true; you may find yourself living a rather colorless life if you do not pause every now and then to indulge your senses. Pleasure is like the oil that keeps the machine of your life running smoothly. Without it, the gears stick and you will most likely break down.

Sometimes I forget the importance of pleasure as I race through the demands and commitments of my life. I forgo a day at the beach with my husband in order to finish a project, or I cancel my appointment for a massage so I can take care of errands. Inevitably, I begin to feel irritable and tense, which is a signal to me that I need to slow down and let in a little joy.

I had a man in one of my workshops named Bill who desperately needed to learn the lesson of pleasure. Bill was a very successful financial consultant at a large bank. He had a wife, three children, a mortgage, an elderly mother, two cars, and plenty of bills. Ordinarily a serious person, Bill had become practically austere in his demeanor as he grimly set about performing his tasks and managing his busy life. As he put it, he "simply did not have the time to waste on fun."

Yet Bill's life was not working. A deep dissatisfaction haunted him every day, and he didn't know how to dislodge it. He came to the workshop to figure out how to change the grind he had put himself into. In the workshop, he realized that he had not allowed himself a single moment of pleasure in many years.

Bill remembered the day when his father died, when little Billy was only eleven years old. His uncle told him that he would have to step in as the man of the family. On that day, Billy metamorphosed from a carefree child to Bill, a mature, responsible little adult.

When we did an exercise in the workshop in which everyone was to act upon an inner impulse, Bill stood up, loosened his tie, and much to everyone's surprise and delight, began to skip around the room. He started slowly, then skipped faster and faster, until he was whizzing by us in a blur. When he finally came to a stop, he was breathless and smiling, obviously thrilled to have unlocked the joy stored in his cellular memory.

What brings you pleasure? Do it, and do it often, for it will give lightness to your heart and do wonders for your soul.