Fifteen-year-old Anna is bullied by her classmates for being overweight. Her mother, Fiona, decides to transfer her to the school where she teaches, but that only makes things worse. Anna's father, George, is no help—he's too obsessed with saving the world. Just as Anna gets suspended for head-butting one of her tormenters, her uncle Terry arrives for an unannounced visit. A heartbroken, filthy-mouthed slacker, Terry reaches out to Anna in a way that no one ever has. Their unexpected friendship sends her parents' rocky marriage into a tailspin as the whole family wonders what—or who—really needs saving.
Nick Payne's If There Is I Haven't Found It Yet is a brilliantly sad, humorous, and empathetic play about a family stuck somewhere between knowing what the problem is and doing something about it.
Fifteen-year-old Anna is bullied by her classmates for being overweight. Her mother, Fiona, decides to transfer her to the school where she teaches, but that only makes things worse. Anna's father, George, is no help—he's too obsessed with saving the world. Just as Anna gets suspended for head-butting one of her tormenters, her uncle Terry arrives for an unannounced visit. A heartbroken, filthy-mouthed slacker, Terry reaches out to Anna in a way that no one ever has. Their unexpected friendship sends her parents' rocky marriage into a tailspin as the whole family wonders what—or who—really needs saving.
Nick Payne's If There Is I Haven't Found It Yet is a brilliantly sad, humorous, and empathetic play about a family stuck somewhere between knowing what the problem is and doing something about it.
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Overview
Fifteen-year-old Anna is bullied by her classmates for being overweight. Her mother, Fiona, decides to transfer her to the school where she teaches, but that only makes things worse. Anna's father, George, is no help—he's too obsessed with saving the world. Just as Anna gets suspended for head-butting one of her tormenters, her uncle Terry arrives for an unannounced visit. A heartbroken, filthy-mouthed slacker, Terry reaches out to Anna in a way that no one ever has. Their unexpected friendship sends her parents' rocky marriage into a tailspin as the whole family wonders what—or who—really needs saving.
Nick Payne's If There Is I Haven't Found It Yet is a brilliantly sad, humorous, and empathetic play about a family stuck somewhere between knowing what the problem is and doing something about it.
Product Details
| ISBN-13: | 9781466840737 |
|---|---|
| Publisher: | Farrar, Straus and Giroux |
| Publication date: | 07/02/2024 |
| Sold by: | Barnes & Noble |
| Format: | eBook |
| Pages: | 81 |
| File size: | 757 KB |
About the Author
Nick Payne is the author of the plays Wanderlust, a new version of Sophocles' Electra, One Day When We Were Young, Constellations, and Lay Down Your Cross. He is the winner of the 2009 George Devine Award for Most Promising Playwright and the 2012 Harold Pinter Playwright's Award. He is currently under commission with the Royal Court Theatre, the Donmare Warehouse, and the Manhattan Theatre Club. He was born in 1984.
Read an Excerpt
If There Is I Haven't Found It Yet
By Nick Payne
Faber and Faber, Inc.
Copyright © 2013 Nick PayneAll rights reserved.
ISBN: 978-1-4668-4073-7
CHAPTER 1
If There Is I Haven't Found It Yet had its U.S. premiere in New York City on September 20, 2012, at the Laura Pels Theatre of the Harold and Miriam Steinberg Center for Theatre.
Cast
GEORGE Brían F. O'Byrne
FIONA Michelle Gomez
ANNA Annie Funke
TERRY Jake Gyllenhaal
Creative Team
DIRECTOR Michael Longhurst
SETS Beowulf Boritt
COSTUMES Susan Hilferty
LIGHTS Natasha Katz
ORIGINAL MUSIC AND SOUND Obadiah Eaves
If There Is I Haven't Found It Yet had its world premiere in London on October 17, 2009, at the Bush Theatre.
Cast
GEORGE Michael Begley
FIONA Pandora Colin
ANNA Ailish O'Connor
TERRY Rafe Spall
Creative Team
DIRECTOR Josie Rourke
DESIGNER Lucy Osborne
LIGHTING DESIGNER Oliver Fenwick
SOUND DESIGNER Emma Laxton
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR Ant Stones
COMPANY STAGE MANAGER Angela Riddell
DEPUTY STAGE MANAGER Dave Blakemore
SCENIC ARTIST Lara Etherton
DESIGN ASSISTANT James Turner
STAGE MANAGER (COVER) Xenia Lewis
PRODUCTION ELECTRICIAN Chole Kenward
CAST
GEORGE, male, 40s.
FIONA, female, 40s.
ANNA, female, 15. Anna is considerably overweight.
TERRY, male, 20s.
Ellipses following a character's name indicate a desire to speak but an inability to know quite what to say.
GEORGE: When I was younger, I adored polar bears. My, my father used to subscribe to National Geographic, and for years I had polar bear paraphernalia all over the walls of my bedroom — I even had a pair of polar bear swimming trunks. But not long after my wife had given birth to our daughter, I insisted the three of us take a trip to Edinburgh Zoo to see the last two polar bears in Britain — a couple, Barney and Mercedes, would you believe. But when we arrived — and I'll never forget this — when we arrived at the zoo, we were told that Barney had died: he had choked to death on a child's toy that had been thrown into his pool. So, so, I suppose you could say that my interest in the fate of our little blue planet began with a love of all things Ursus maritimus.
School corridor, day. ANNA and FIONA. ANNA wears her PE outfit. ANNAdabs a tissue on her slightly bloody nose throughout.
FIONA: Why don't we just start at the beginning? (Meaning tissue) Here.
FIONA hands ANNA a fresh tissue and removes the old one.
FIONA: Keep it pressed. Try not to dab it.
ANNA: I can taste it. The blood, in the back of my throat.
Beat.
FIONA: I used to loathe PE, you know.
ANNA: What?
FIONA: The horror, my goodness, the horror of having to get changed in front of your peers. Everyone trying not to look at each other's bits — or rather, everyone trying to look as if they're not trying to look at each other's bits. Because who knows how our bits are supposed to look when we're that age?
ANNA: What on earth are you on about?
FIONA: I understand your frustration. But I just want you to know that in spite of all of that, it's important to try and remember —
ANNA: No, I'm being serious, I don't understand what you're talking about. None of this has anything to do with PE.
FIONA: Oh. Really? Well, that's strange, because I thought — Miss Clarke said to me that — If the fight wasn't about netball, Anna, then what was it about?
Beat.
FIONA: Anna?
Beat.
FIONA: Anna, please, I promise you I'm just trying to help.
Beat.
FIONA: Anna, they're thinking of suspending you.
ANNA: What? How long for?
FIONA: At the moment it's two weeks.
ANNA: What about Lucy Mitchell, everyone else?
FIONA: What about them?
ANNA: Are they gonna get suspended?
FIONA: Not as far as I know, no.
ANNA: This is such fucking bullshit.
FIONA: Language.
ANNA: Isn't it, though?
FIONA: Well. Perhaps if you tell me what happened, I might be able to help. But at the moment I'm completely in the dark — And you can tell me and I promise, you won't have to tell anyone else. You can tell me anything.
Beat.
ANNA: They found out you were my mum.
FIONA: What did they say? Anna?
ANNA: They just called you lots of stuff.
FIONA: Like what?
ANNA: Just. Lots of stuff, all right.
FIONA: And is that why you lost your temper? As opposed to it being about netball —
ANNA: Can't you talk to someone?
FIONA: How do you mean?
ANNA: Tell them it's not my fault. Tell them it's because you work here. Tell them what I'm normally like. That I'm not normally like this. I didn't ask to come here, you know.
FIONA: Anna (doesn't finish).
Beat. FIONA watches ANNA briefly.
FIONA: Why don't we finish this conversation off at home? There's soup in the fridge when you get in. And then I'll pick something up for dinner on the way home.
ANNA: What time do you think you'll be back?
FIONA: I might have to stop off at Granny's on the way home, but not late.
ANNA: What about Dad?
FIONA: Wait and see. (Meaning nose) How is it? Can I see?
FIONA removes the tissue from ANNA's nose, wipes it clean with a fresh tissue.
FIONA: Think it's stopped.
Beat.
ANNA: They called you a cunt. Lucy Mitchell and everyone. They said, "What's it like having a mum who's a full-time cunt?"
Family home, night. ANNA is watching television, eating from a large bag of crisps.
Doorbell, off. ANNA turns off the television, hides the crisps and exits.ANNA opens front door, off.
TERRY: (Off) All right? Hannah, right? Terry. How's it going? All right to come in?
ANNA shuts front door, off. Enter TERRY with backpack. TERRY looks around the room. Enter ANNA.
TERRY: Wallpaper's different.
TERRY perhaps finds this a little amusing, but ANNA remains stone-faced.
TERRY: 'S this a bad time?
ANNA shakes her head.
TERRY: Prob'ly shoulda rung or something, but. Phone was fucked and I thought, by the time I've arsed around getting change for the fucking. You know, the phone — and that, thought I might as well just. Anyway, sorry if all this is a bit out of the blue. Don't remember me, do you?
ANNA: (Meaning yes) No, no. My name's Anna. Called me Hannah —
TERRY: Right.
ANNA: But it's actually Anna.
TERRY: Right. Sorry. Only asking cos, y'know, me and y'dad, sorta sound a bit different and that, but — mean, some people find it a bit. "Brothers"? Yeah, brothers. Have to fucking explain it to 'em. Moved about a bit and that, y'have to fucking say. Anyway, I'm saying. Cos I mean, you're sort of looking at me as if we've never even fucking met. (New thought) Worked a treat, y'know. Whole niece thing. While I's away. This one bird, right, told her about you, told her about being a fucking uncle and that, and she went fucking; seriously, she went fucking. We get back to her place and she literally starts fucking (demonstrates, stripping). Mean, I was like.
ANNA: ...
TERRY: So anyway, how's things?
ANNA nods.
TERRY: Yeah?
ANNA nods.
TERRY: Still at school and that, is it?
ANNA: Yeah.
TERRY: How's that going, then?
ANNA shrugs.
TERRY: 'S all right t'say y'fucking hate it, y'know. I did.
ANNA: It's not like the most thrilling part of my life right now, no.
TERRY: Fair enough. Anyone else about?
ANNA: Dad's out, but Mum should be back in a bit.
TERRY (meaning what was she doing before he arrived): Watching telly or something, was it?
ANNA nods.
TERRY: Any good?
ANNA shrugs.
TERRY: Put it back on if y'want.
ANNA: It's all right.
TERRY: No, serious, 's all right. Do with a shit, anyway.
ANNA smiles a little. Front door sounds, off.
FIONA (off): Hello. It's me, anyone in?
ANNA: Yeah.
FIONA (off): Do you mind giving me a hand with the shopping please, darling?
Exit ANNA. TERRY is unsure quite what to do with himself while he awaitsFIONA's entrance. He perhaps takes out some Rizlas, rolling tobacco, etc. — but then thinks twice. TERRY puts the tobacco, etc., away and checks that he's looking reasonably presentable. Enter FIONA. FIONAholds a number of sheets of sheet music and various other papers, also a shopping bag or two.
FIONA: Hello, Terry.
FIONA and TERRY kiss one another on the cheek during the following.
TERRY: Oh, hiya, hi, how's it going?
FIONA: Very well, thank you. Yourself?
TERRY: Yeah, yeah, y'know. D'ya need a hand?
FIONA: Thank you.
TERRY takes shopping bags from FIONA and exits. FIONA, alone for a moment. Re-enter TERRY. FIONA and TERRY perhaps smile at one another politely for a moment, neither quite sure where to begin.
FIONA (simultaneously): Excuse the mess. If I'd have known you were —
TERRY (simultaneously): Sorry to just turn up unannounced, but —
FIONA: Sorry.
TERRY: No, no.
FIONA: Just apologizing for the mess.
TERRY: Don't worry about it.
FIONA: Been roped into helping out with the school musical. One of the other teachers had to drop out.
TERRY: Oh, right. How's that going?
FIONA: Busy.
TERRY: What y'doing? For the musical, which show is it —?
FIONA: War of the Worlds.
TERRY: Oh, right. Sounds good. No George, then?
FIONA: Is that a question or an observation?
TERRY:?
FIONA: He'll be back at some point, I'm sure.
Beat.
TERRY: Listen, I'm sorry about. Turning up, but. Didn't really have anywhere else to —
FIONA: Mustn't apologize.
TERRY: Yeah, no, thanks, but —
FIONA: Honestly.
TERRY: Cheers.
Beat.
TERRY: So how's Rachel getting on these days?
FIONA's cell phone begins to ring (the ringtone is a pop song).
FIONA: Shit, sorry.
FIONA answers the phone. TERRY perhaps does now roll a cigarette during the following. FIONA perhaps throws TERRY a knowing look or two during the following.
FIONA (into phone): Mum. No, it's not on tonight. It's not tonight, no. No, it's on tomorrow night. Tomorrow night; that's right. I've set the recorder to record it tomorrow night. No, you don't have to do anything. That's right. All you have to do is sit back and watch it. That's right. Yes, it's all very modern. (Cutting her mother off) Listen, Mum, I might have to ... Yeah, that's right, I've ... Okay. Okay. Bye, Mum, bye.
FIONA hangs up.
FIONA: Sorry about that.
TERRY: How is she?
FIONA: Other than the fact she's losing her fucking mind, fine.
TERRY: How d'you mean?
Beat.
FIONA: Better just make sure Anna's getting on all right.
TERRY: Sure.
FIONA: Can I get you something to drink?
TERRY: Beer'd be nice. Cheers.
Exit FIONA. Enter ANNA with beer.
TERRY: You not having one?
ANNA: I'm fifteen.
TERRY: Yeah, I know, was a. Was a joke. Don't worry about it. Didn't fancy being in y'mum's musical, then? Tom Cruise innit? War of the Worlds. Aliens. Well. Here's to it.
TERRY toasts, drinks.
FIONA (off): Will you being staying for dinner, Terry?
TERRY: If that's all right, yeah?
FIONA: (off): We're having mushroom Stroganoff, I hope that's all right?
TERRY: Sounds lovely!
FIONA (off): Anna, would you mind giving me a quick hand, please?
TERRY: Been a pleasure.
ANNA smiles a little. Exit ANNA. TERRY sips beer.
Family home, night. TERRY is watching television, eating from a large bag of crisps and smoking a joint. He's possibly a little stoned now. There are perhaps also one or two empty beer bottles. Front door sounds, off. TERRY stands, perhaps tries to make himself presentable (perhaps hides crisps, etc.). Enter GEORGE with briefcase, etc. (perhaps still wearing some cycling gear, high-visibility vest, and so on).
GEORGE: ...
TERRY: All right?
GEORGE moves to TERRY and embraces him.
TERRY: How's it going?
GEORGE: Did I, did I, did I know you were coming?
TERRY: No.
GEORGE: And are you, are you. Back, is this, is this, is this —
TERRY: Bit more complicated than that, but —
GEORGE: Of course, of course.
TERRY: But yeah, for a bit, yeah.
GEORGE: Not really sure where to begin.
TERRY: No.
GEORGE: Where have you been, Terry?
TERRY: Did ya not get the postcards?
GEORGE: I did, did you not get my emails?
TERRY: Not really that up on all that sort of stuff, to be honest with you, George. What about you, been all right?
GEORGE: There was one from Thailand, that was it, wasn't it?
TERRY: Yeah, yeah, that's it.
GEORGE: But you've been moving about, presumably, have you?
TERRY: Yeah, y'know, here and there.
GEORGE: Well it's good to, good to —
TERRY: Yeah. Yeah.
Beat.
TERRY: Bit late?
GEORGE: Yes, yes.
TERRY: Work and that, is it?
GEORGE: Yes.
TERRY: Y'still lecturing and that, then, is it?
GEORGE: Yes, that's right.
TERRY: House looks nice.
GEORGE: Do you think?
TERRY: Yeah, yeah. Greenhouse. And the attic, blimey.
GEORGE: We had it reinsulated. Lose a great deal less heat.
Beat.
GEORGE: Is that a cigarette?
TERRY: Fiona reckoned it'd be all right as long as one of the windows was open.
GEORGE: Wow, did she, did she really say that?
TERRY: George, 'course she didn't fucking say that, Jesus. (Straight) But I did open a window, so.
TERRY offers GEORGE the joint. GEORGE is tempted, but perhaps first glances toward the entrance of the house. GEORGE takes the cigarette from TERRY and smokes. GEORGE coughs immediately — or if he doesn't cough, he is certainly surprised.
GEORGE: Terry, this is, this is, this is marijuana.
TERRY: Is it?
GEORGE's disappointment quickly disappears and he smokes a little more.GEORGE returns the joint to TERRY.
TERRY: So Fiona was telling us y'putting together some sort of a bible.
GEORGE: I'm sorry?
TERRY: Fiona reckoned y'putting together some sort of book.
GEORGE: Right, I see. I see.
TERRY: Lot of work, she reckoned.
GEORGE: Is Fiona still, are her and Anna still awake?
TERRY: Hit the sack a coupla hours ago, I'm afraid. Stew for ya in the fridge, though. Lovely, actually. Loada herbs. Look, she told me to tell ya, but — Mean, she said if I was still up when y'got in, she wanted me to tell you to wake her. Up.
GEORGE: Oh.
TERRY: But, t'be honest with ya, she was looking pretty knackered, so I figure maybe 's best if I just. Tell ya. Now. 'Stead of waking her up. Mean, as long as y'don't mind hearing it from me and not her?
GEORGE shakes his head a little.
TERRY: Don't look so worried, George, whole thing sounds a bit of a mountain out of a molehill, know what I mean? Hannah 'parently got into a bit of a —
GEORGE: Sorry, sorry. Hannah?
TERRY: Yeah.
GEORGE: Do you mean Anna?
TERRY: Fuck's sake. Anna, today, 'parently she got into a bit of a fight with this other girl.
GEORGE: A fight?
TERRY: Thass right, yeah.
GEORGE: Well, is she, is she all right? Is she, is she —
TERRY: Yeah, yeah, 'course. Other girl took most of the kicking, apparently.
GEORGE: What were they fighting about?
TERRY: Couldn't tell ya.
GEORGE: I don't understand.
TERRY: Didn't really wanna dig that deep, to be honest with ya, George. "Hiya, good to see ya, been a year and a half, but hear y'beat the shit outta some bird today, love to hear more about it." Anyway, look, the long and short of it is, Anna's been suspended for a couple of weeks.
GEORGE: Suspended?
TERRY: Yeah. But it's all right, cos I've had a bit of a word and, y'know, me and Hannah, we're gonna.
GEORGE: I don't understand.
TERRY: Y'know, spend a bit of time together and that.
GEORGE: And, and, and Fiona thought this was a good, she thought it was a good —
TERRY: Gonna go to a couple of galleries, museums, that sort of thing. 'S not like y'gonna come home, find us snorting coke off y'skirting board.
GEORGE: Terry, please don't say things like that.
TERRY: All right.
GEORGE: I know you're only, only joking, but —
TERRY: All right, all right, sorry. Sorry. Anyway. That was it. Just thought it'd be easier if y'heard it from me. Evidently misjudged that fucker though, eh?
Beat, during which TERRY offers GEORGE the end of the joint. GEORGEreluctantly smokes it.
TERRY: So this book —
GEORGE: Yes.
TERRY: This bible —
GEORGE (an in-joke that TERRY doesn't get): I think the preferred term is "manifesto."
TERRY: Is it?
GEORGE: Possibly, I —
TERRY: Well, go on, then. Give us ya. Y'pitch, George, y'pitch.
GEORGE: It's very late, Terry.
TERRY: I'm interested.
GEORGE: Ultimately, I suppose it's a response to the failure of the Kyoto Protocol. Are you sure you really want to —
TERRY: Yes.
GEORGE: It's going to be called How Green Are Your Tomatoes?: The Carbon Footprint of Practically Everything. If the UN can't convince its member countries to reduce their GHGs, then I think ultimately it's about making people aware about, well, about what it is that they can — What it is that they can do. What it is that is within their reach to do. So the book maps out the emissions generated by, well, by —
(Continues...)
Excerpted from If There Is I Haven't Found It Yet by Nick Payne. Copyright © 2013 Nick Payne. Excerpted by permission of Faber and Faber, Inc..
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.
Table of Contents
Contents
Title Page,Copyright Notice,
Dedication,
Epigraphs,
Acknowledgments,
Production information (New York production),
Production information (London production),
Cast list,
Play,
About the Author,
Copyright,