I'm a Lebowski, You're a Lebowski: Life, "The Big Lebowski," and What-Have-You

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I'm a Lebowski, You're a Lebowski

Bloomsbury

Chapter One

A·bide v

1. to find somebody or something acceptable or bearable

2. to endure or withstand something

3. to have the ability to say, "Fuck it. Let's go bowling."

Way back in 1996, fresh off the set of the soon-to-be Oscar favorite Fargo, Joel and Ethan Coen were gearing up to shoot their next feature film. Written with a nod to classic noir crime films such as The Big Sleep and a wink to the Coens' growing, spoof-loving fan base, it was to be a film about a mistaken identity, a film about a kidnapping, a film about taking a stand against aggressors-but most of all, it was to be a film about, ahem, bowling? Throw in an aging hippie, a gun-toting Vietnam vet, a vain millionaire, and a few nihilists, and you've got what is now hailed as one of the most quotable cult films of the past two decades, The Big Lebowski.

You might have seen it in the theater, or maybe you caught part of it on cable a year or so later. If you're like most people, you had no idea what was going on. Even if you caught it from the beginning, you may still have felt like you had just tuned in to an episode of Seinfeld five minutes late, and every line seemed like an inside joke. It wasn't until the second or fifth time that you might have begun to see the layers of genius woven into The Big Lebowski.

And at the center of it all is the Dude, played by the one man born for the role, Jeff Bridges.

It's not often that our culture presents us with a heroic icon who is also one of the laziest men of his time and place. Superman wears a cape, not a bathrobe. Neo has no trouble dodging a swarm of bullets, much less a coffee mug to the forehead. Batman never wrecked the Batmobile while looking for the joint he dropped. Nor does he care whether his cocktail is shaken or stirred. That's 007's thing, man. Even Homer Simpson has a job.

No, the Dude doesn't need all the fancy clothes, cars, or names. Just "the Dude." That's what people call him. And maybe this is wishful thinking, but it seems we all have a little bit of the Dude in us. Sitting right there next to that little bit of Elvis. If you enjoy bowling, the only "sport" that provides cup holders; if you've ever looked the Man in the face and just said, "Fuck it;" if you've ever postdated a check for change-that's the Dude coming out of you. Feels good, doesn't it?

How Dude Are You?

So just how Dude are you, anyway? Get out your number-two pencils and answer the following questions to discover how in touch you are with your Inner Dude. Report back as soon as it's done.

1. Are you employed, sir?

A) Yes

B) No

C) What day is this?

2. Do you have any Kahlua?

A) No, but I do have some watermelon schnapps

B) No, I'm fresh out

C) Does the pope shit in the woods?

3. What's your favorite Eagles album?

A) Desperado

B) Ride the Lightning

C) I hate the fucking Eagles

4. What do you do in your free time?

A) Balance my checkbook

B) Occupy various administration buildings

C) Bowl, drive around, the occasional acid flashback

5. What is the smallest check you've ever written?

A) $100 and up

B) $ 0.70 to $99.99

C) $ 0.69 and under

6. Identify this small woodland mammal (picture of a ferret)

A) Beaver

B) Ferret

C) Marmot

7. What cassette is in your Walkman right now?

A) I have an iPod

B) Creedence

C) Venice Beach League Playoffs 1987/Bob

8. What is your primary form of ID?

A) Driver's license

B) Expired student ID

C) Ralphs card

9. What color is your vehicle?

A) My Hummer is yellow

B) Blue

C) Green with rust coloration

10. When do you pay your rent?

A) When you own, it's called a mortgage

B) The tenth

C) Far out, man

Tally up your score:

For each A) answer, you get 0 points.

For each B) answer, give yourself 21 points.

For each C) answer, give yourself 42 points.

How Dude are you:

0-105 = You're being very un-Dude

106-210 = You are the walrus

211-419 = I dig your style, man

420 = You abide

So how'd you do? Now that you have a feel for your level of Dudeness, here are some tips for Dude-ifying your everyday life.

Dude-ify Your Office Space

Beyond the obvious (and job-threatening) stunts such as putting White Russians in the water cooler and magic brownies in the break room, there are some more subtle ways to Dude-ify your work space.

Every so often when your boss comes by with a new assignment, look at him blankly and say, "I'm sorry, I wasn't listening." If that one gets you hassled, try "That's fucking interesting, man." They say "casual Friday," but do they really mean it? Wear your bathrobe and jellies to work. Before leaving for vacation, change your incoming voicemail message to say, "The Dude is not in. Leave a message after the beep ... Takes a minute." Download a whale screen saver. For connoisseurs, we recommend the ones with the relaxing sounds of the humpback whale song over lapping water.

If you don't have room for the real thing, the rug mouse pad can really tie a work space together.

Lend the cleaning staff a hand-put some Mr. Bubble in the toilets. Save up to $0.69 by pinching some half and half (or nondairy creamer) from the break room for those postwork White Russians. Add a few bowling trophies to prove to the square community that you're not a bum after all. Two words: tiki bar!

If any of these suggestions lead to your termination, congratulations! You're on your way out be sure to notify your escort that the boss said you could take any computer in the house. Well, enjoy.

How to Dude-ify Your Car

How to Dude-ify Your Living Space

Always refer to your apartment, house, or what have you as a bungalow. Married or not, leave the toilet seat up. You never know when you'll be forced to take another look. Your bungalow must be secure in order to keep nihilists and thugs from entering your home. Make sure to barricade your door by nailing a two-by-four to your hardwood floor.

Post a sign that says, THIS IS A PRIVATE RESIDENCE, MAN. Don't forget a poster of Nixon bowling, aka the Big Milhouski. Crook or no crook, that creep can roll, man!

And then, of course, the rug-unless your household happens to include an unhousebroken cat, dog, or Asian American. Whenever you have visitors, remind them incessantly that the rug really ties the room together. When lying in the tub, always keep within arm's reach a bottle of Mr. Bubble, candles, roach clip, a marmot trap, and both of your toilet brushes.

At Least It's an Ethos

The Big Lebowski contains references to such a multitude of ideologies and doctrines that you might think it was written by a philosophy major. Judaism's three thousand years of beautiful tradition are poetically captured in Walter's rantings about Shomer Shabbos. The nihilists' firm belief in nothing shares a lane with Smokey's pacifism. The sheriff of Malibu is clearly a fucking fascist, and say what you will about the tenets of National Socialism-at least it's an ethos. A closer inspection of Bunny and her friend Sherry reveals their ... where were we? Oh, yeah, their hedonism. Maude's feminism makes most men uncomfortable: vagina. To say that the Stranger's name is a nod to existentialism might seem like a bit of a stretch, but did you ever notice the copy of Sartre's Being and Nothingness on the Dude's bedside table? And Christianity? Jesus. You said it, man.

But more than anything else, fans of the film have noticed a certain Zenlike, Buddhist quality to the Dude. Many times we've looked at the Dude and seen a slightly thinner, slightly hairier version of the Buddha. Or, as we like to call him, the Duddha. The Buddha teaches that life is suffering and that the only way to escape this suffering is to follow the eightfold path. This is the Duddha's (or El Duddharino's) way.

Buddha says: "Always observe Right Action."

Duddha says: "I'm just helping her conceive."

Buddha says: "Always observe Right Livelihood."

Duddha says: "I'm unemployed."

Buddha says: "Always observe Right Effort."

Duddha says: "Just take it easy, man."

Buddha says: "Always observe Right Speech."

Duddha says: "I'll tell you what I'm blathering about."

Buddha says: "Always observe Right Mindfulness and Concentration."

Duddha says: "The Dude minds."

Buddha says: "Always observe Right View."

Duddha says: "Fuck it."

Buddha says: "Always observe Right Thought."

Duddha says: "I'm adhering to a very strict drug regimen to keep my mind limber."

Buddha says: "Always observe Right Intention."

Duddha says: "All the Dude ever wanted was his rug back."

Duderonomy: Rules to Live By, and Sometimes Break

Just as we were attempting to wrap our heads around this whole Eastern Duddha thing, we were contacted by a fellow Achiever named Oliver Benjamin. Oliver, who sometimes self-applies the name "Olly Lama," is the founder of the Church of the Latter-Day Dude, also known as Dudeism. At his official Web site, dudeism.com, you can connect with other Dudeists, get Dudeist self-help, and even become an official Dudeist Priest! Following the "instant online ordination," anyone can legally perform all varieties of religious ceremonies in most U.S. states (check with your local county clerk, as laws vary).

Born in Los Angeles and currently residing in Thailand, Oliver is in a special position to dig the Eastern-meets-Western aspects of The Big Lebowski. Dudeism draws its inspirations from the hodgepodge of world philosophies peppered throughout the film. The rules below, for instance, are based on the Judeo-Christian Bible's Deuteronomy, the section that deals with laws you need to follow to live life properly and that, as Oliver claims, "is hopelessly outdated. Here's the Dudeo-Coen version: Duderonomy."

BOOK 1

1. Thou shalt always use fresh creamer when preparing the sacrificial beverage. To ensure its freshness, it must be sniffed and even sampled before purchase. If it is unclean, put it back.

2. Ideally, half and half shall be used in preparing the sacrificial beverage. Failing this, milk, and, under the most dire of circumstances, nondairy creamer.

3. Always write checks whenever possible, as your cash is limited and you never know when you might have to pay off roving bands of heathen nihilists.

4. When confronted by vicious thugs demanding money, give it to them. If you don't have it, employ humor to lighten the situation. Do not under any circumstances try to fight back by hurling your bowling ball at them.

5. When discussing a matter of grave importance, or even of trifling idiocy, always make sure to employ expletives as much as possible to prove your heartfelt honesty and conviction. To ensure your Dudeness, all out-of-control, manic discussions should be followed with entreaties to "just take it easy, man."

6. If an adversary is clearly too uptight to see things from your perspective, don your sunglasses and intone, "Fuck it." Then take something of fair value from his house as you depart.

7. Employ comfortable furnishings in your home such as reclining chairs, scented candles, Persian rugs, and fanciful minibars with ironic posters of former adversaries. Your house is your temple, and your temple, should be well tied together.

8. Always honor your landlord. Do your best to pay the rent on time. Failing that, indulge his artistic ambitions regardless of how utterly misguided they might be.

9. Never have an outward-opening door on your house.

10. When confronted by a large man with a gun who demands that you mark it zero, oblige him. Otherwise you risk entering a world of pain. Ideally he will get his comeuppance from the League for contravening a number of its bylaws.

BOOK 2

1. Never trust wealthy, successful people you hardly know who want to engage you in shady undertakings.

2. Money is the root of all evil. It's also the root of all good stories, so hooray for money.

3. A plan referred to as "foolproof" is often proved foolish.

4. If you're a pederast, identify yourself with a major religion in order to throw people off the scent.

5. Respect everyone's point of view. It's just, like, their opinion, man.

6. Always remember interesting turns of phrase that you hear so that you can employ them in completely unrelated situations later and convincingly sound as if you know what you're talking about.

7. The ringer cannot look empty.

8. Make sure to always use the proper pronoun. No one uses the editorial or royal "we" in everyday exchange unless they're trying to hide something.

9. Never park in a handicapped space if you've got a million dollars in the trunk of your car. In fact, never leave a million dollars in the trunk of your car, especially if your car is in lousy condition.

10. If a doctor is referred to as "thorough," harbor some reservations about visiting him. Unless, of course, you enjoy that sort of thing.

11. When confronted by unfortunate circumstances, forget about it. You can't be worrying about that shit. Life goes on.

12. Always protect your sacrificial beverage, even in times of severe duress.

13. Whenever possible, try to get paid in cash in order to avoid getting bumped up into a higher tax bracket.

BOOK 3

1. Freedom is great. Many young men have died facedown in the muck to protect our freedoms. Nevertheless, one should still be courteous and keep one's voice down in a family restaurant.

2. Unless you're a high-ranking member of society, don't expect too much from the police.

3. Sometimes not having an ethos is an ethos in itself. Usually it's a bad one, though.

4. Never go into a tournament with a negative attitude.

5. Try not to use so many cusswords. Unless they're near and dear to your heart, in which case, fuck it.

6. Make sure the window of your car is rolled down before ejecting a burning object. You probably shouldn't drink beer and drive, either, even though it might come in useful to extinguish the burning object.

7. When strange men show up at your house accusing you of a crime and brandishing evidence, it is best that you feign mental illness and don't say peep.

8. What happens when one fucks a stranger in the ass is not always what one might think will happen, nor what is necessarily fair or just to any of the concerned parties.

9. Never trust a known pornographer to whom any sizeable sum of money is owed.

10. Never trust an African-American cab driver who enjoys listening to the Eagles.

(Continues...)

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Excerpted from I'm a Lebowski, You're a Lebowski by Bill Green Ben Peskoe Will Russell Scott Shuffitt Copyright © 2007 by Bill Green, Ben Peskoe, Will Russell, and Scott Shuffitt. Excerpted by permission.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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