Infidelity: A Survival Guide

Overview

The discovery of an infidelity can deliver a devastating blow—but it can be survived. Psychologist Don-David Lusterman has spent thousands of hours counseling clients who needed help coping with infidelity. In this book, he shares what he has learned in a step-by-step format that helps readers cope with the emotional impact of the affair, decide what it tells them about their marriage, and either choose to break up or begin to rebuild their relationship.

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Overview

The discovery of an infidelity can deliver a devastating blow—but it can be survived. Psychologist Don-David Lusterman has spent thousands of hours counseling clients who needed help coping with infidelity. In this book, he shares what he has learned in a step-by-step format that helps readers cope with the emotional impact of the affair, decide what it tells them about their marriage, and either choose to break up or begin to rebuild their relationship.

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Editorial Reviews

From the Publisher
“A wise and thoughtful book that will help many people write a happy ending to a pain-filled story.”
—Rabbi Harold Kushner, author of When Bad Things Happen to Good People and How Good Do We Have to Be?

Infidelity: A Survivial Guide is a wonderful guide for couples dealing with the aftermath of an infidelity. As a wise and very knowledgeable therapist, Dr. Lusterman clearly explains the complex dynamics of infidelity. He provides an excellent road map for both partners to rebuild trust and then take a path that can lead to a better marriage.”
—Constance R. Ahrons, Ph.D., author of The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Falls Apart

“Don-David Lusterman draws on his years of experience as a therapist to provide extraordinary insight into understanding and surviving a partner’s one-night stand, philandering, or affair. Dr. Lusterman goes beyond just helping people survive this experience to helping them learn from it and turn it into an opportunity for personal growth. This book can benefit not only the discoverer and the involved partner, but it also offer invaluable perspective for family members and friends.”
—Peggy Vaughn, author of The Monogamy Myth

Harold Kushner
"A wise and thoughtful book that will help many people write a happy ending to a pain-filled story."--Rabbi Harold Kushner, author of When Bad Things Happen to Good People and How Good Do We Have To Be?
Peggy Vaughn
"Don-David Lusterman draws on his years of experience as a therapist to provide extraordinary insight into understanding and surviving a partner's one-night stand, philandering, or affair. Dr. Lusterman goes beyond just helping people survive this experience to helping them learn from it and turn it into an opportunity for personal growth. This book can benefit not only the discoverer and the involved partner, but it also offers invaluable perspective for family members and friends." --Peggy Vaughn, author of The Monogamy Myth
Frank Pittman
Don-David Lusterman, a therapist of exemplary wisdom and humanity, brings reason and steady calm to a subject which may silence or confound less well-grounded therapists. He makes the necessary judgement calls with soothing, sympathetic tolerance. There is little here with which I can quibble and much I can admiringly endorse.-- Frank Pittman, M.D. author of Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy
Constance R. Ahrons
"Infidelity: A Survival Guide is a wonderful guide for couples dealing with the aftermath of an infidelity. As a wise and very knowledgeable therapist, Dr. Lusterman clearly explains the complex dynamics of infidelity. He provides an excellent road map for both partners to rebuild trust and then take a path that can lead to a better marriage."---Constance R. Ahrons, Ph.D., author of The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Falls Apart
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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781572240872
  • Publisher: New Harbinger Publications
  • Publication date: 6/28/1998
  • Series: Unassigned Series
  • Pages: 207
  • Sales rank: 319,130
  • Product dimensions: 6.12 (w) x 8.96 (h) x 0.47 (d)

Meet the Author

Don-David Lusteman, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist specializing in marital and family therapy in private practice in Baldwin, New York. A frequent media guest, he has appeared on NBC’s Today Show and Oprah! and has been subject of numerous radio and print interviews.

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Table of Contents

Acknowledgments........................................................ix

Introduction.................................................................1

1. The Shock of Discovery...........................................3
Defining Infidelity
  • The Moment of Discovery
  • Denial
  • Sometimes There Is No Answer
  • Compartmentalization
  • Types of Infidelity
  • Trauma
  • Is The Relationship Over?
    2. Why Did It Happen..................................................17
    Not All Involvements Are the Same
  • Are Men's and Women's Extramarital Affairs Different?
  • The Life Crisis Theory
  • Mid-Life Crisis
  • Entitlement
  • Sexual Identity Affairs
  • Sexual Addiction and Don Juanism
  • Exploratory Affairs
  • Tripod Affairs
  • Retaliatory Affairs
  • Exit Affairs
    3. The Affair Triangle...................................................37
    Love and Infatuation
  • Why Warts are Important
  • Married Love vs. Affair Love
  • Lengthy Affairs
  • The Involved Partner
  • The Discoverer
  • The Third Party
  • A Few Final Words About Affairs
    4. Is Divorce Inevitable?..............................................61
    The Importance of Time
  • A Marriage that Improved
  • Ambivalence
  • Some Questions to Consider
  • The Search for Meaning
    5. Feelings That Help and Feelings that Hurt.....................91
    Idiot Lights and Negative Feelings
  • Dealing With Anger
  • How To Make Emotions productive
  • Blaming
  • Accepting Responsibility
    6. Trust.........................................................................105
    Preparing for the Confrontation
  • The Truth Doesn't Come Out All at Once
  • When Trust Can't be Restored
    7. Survivng Infidelity........................................................119
    Affairs: The Phases of Recovery
  • Other Types of Infidelity
  • A Healthy Life After Discovery
    8. Children.....................................................................159
    What Chidren require of Parents
  • Secrecy and Boundaries
  • How Secret Is a Secret?
  • Secrecy and Loyalty
  • Burdening Children With Adults' Issues
  • Involving Children with the Third Party
  • How Are Children Affected?
  • Secrecy vs. Privacy
  • When to Speak to Your Children
  • What To Expect When You Speak To Your Children
    9. Family and Friends.....................................................173
    Family
  • Friends
    10. Is It Always Best to Tell?...........................................185
    Telling When Asked
  • Telling When Not Asked
  • The Dangers of "One Size Fits All"
  • Dangerous Mates-- a Special Case
  • Another Special Case
  • Recent Infidelities
  • Sexual Addictions
  • FromPainful to Positive
    11. Choosing A Component Therapist..............................195
    What Is A Therapist?
  • What Is Family Therapy?
  • Finding A Therapist
  • A Phone Meeting
  • Interviewing the Therapist
  • How Do Couples Therapist Work?
  • Clear Procedures
  • Continuity In Treatment
  • You Are A Partner With Your Therapist
  • If Therapy Is Not Going Well

    12. Some Final Words...................................................203

    References....................................................................205
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Sort by: Showing all of 9 Customer Reviews
  • Anonymous

    Posted December 7, 1999

    A good guide for both partners after infedility has occurred.

    I read this book after my partner cheated. I bought a copy for him, and he is also reading it. It SAVED our relationship. I was ready to end it after 7 years together, but found this book.

    5 out of 5 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted April 6, 2006

    A view from all angles

    This book is truly a must-read for anyone who has expeienced this delicate situation. I found out four months ago today that my husband of nine years had a short-term affair with a friend of mine. A friend that, to my face, was a confidant and someone that I trusted deeply. Behind my back she was getting information from me on our marriage so that she could use that to turn my husband against ME in hopes that he'd be with her. This has been a very traumatic ordeal however, my husband read the book as well and realized through this and counseling the damage that he had done. Plus, helped ME to realize what caused the affair in the first place and how to keep it from happening again. I also have learned how to manage my anger with this person who manipulated my husband and I most severly. It is a must-read because it deals with all aspects of the affair. Don't decide to end-it without the help this book offers.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted May 31, 2005

    It helped me so much!

    When I found out that my husband of 34 years had a longtime affair, I was sure the hurt would never go away. I now see that it's more important to understand why it happened and make things better for our future together instead of dwelling on the past.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

    Was this review helpful? Yes  No   Report this review
  • Anonymous

    Posted March 28, 2005

    MARCH 2005

    I found this book by looking on the internet after finding out that my husband of almost 8 years was having a short term affair. I was in so much pain at the time & still am. It has only been 3 weeks since finding out. However after reading this book I am not ready to end our marriage. This book helped me to see all sides of the affair. And the things that I can do to make sure that this never happens again to us. It doesn't blame the partner that has been cheated on but puts the blame exactly on the partner it needs to go to. I have asked my husband to read it also. I think anyone that has been through this terrible ordeal of infidelity needs to read this book.

    1 out of 1 people found this review helpful.

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