Infidelity: A Survival Guide

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Overview

An expert with years of success in helping couples overcome infidelity shows how a marriage can not only survive but be stronger after couples confront the reasons behind indiscretions.
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Overview

An expert with years of success in helping couples overcome infidelity shows how a marriage can not only survive but be stronger after couples confront the reasons behind indiscretions.
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Editorial Reviews

Harold Kushner
"A wise and thoughtful book that will help many people write a happy ending to a pain-filled story."--Rabbi Harold Kushner, author of When Bad Things Happen to Good People and How Good Do We Have To Be?
Peggy Vaughn
"Don-David Lusterman draws on his years of experience as a therapist to provide extraordinary insight into understanding and surviving a partner's one-night stand, philandering, or affair. Dr. Lusterman goes beyond just helping people survive this experience to helping them learn from it and turn it into an opportunity for personal growth. This book can benefit not only the discoverer and the involved partner, but it also offers invaluable perspective for family members and friends." --Peggy Vaughn, author of The Monogamy Myth
Frank Pittman
Don-David Lusterman, a therapist of exemplary wisdom and humanity, brings reason and steady calm to a subject which may silence or confound less well-grounded therapists. He makes the necessary judgement calls with soothing, sympathetic tolerance. There is little here with which I can quibble and much I can admiringly endorse.-- Frank Pittman, M.D. author of Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy
Constance R. Ahrons
"Infidelity: A Survival Guide is a wonderful guide for couples dealing with the aftermath of an infidelity. As a wise and very knowledgeable therapist, Dr. Lusterman clearly explains the complex dynamics of infidelity. He provides an excellent road map for both partners to rebuild trust and then take a path that can lead to a better marriage."---Constance R. Ahrons, Ph.D., author of The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Falls Apart
From the Publisher
“A wise and thoughtful book that will help many people write a happy ending to a pain-filled story.”
—Rabbi Harold Kushner, author of When Bad Things Happen to Good People and How Good Do We Have to Be?

Infidelity: A Survivial Guide is a wonderful guide for couples dealing with the aftermath of an infidelity. As a wise and very knowledgeable therapist, Dr. Lusterman clearly explains the complex dynamics of infidelity. He provides an excellent road map for both partners to rebuild trust and then take a path that can lead to a better marriage.”
—Constance R. Ahrons, Ph.D., author of The Good Divorce: Keeping Your Family Together When Your Marriage Falls Apart

“Don-David Lusterman draws on his years of experience as a therapist to provide extraordinary insight into understanding and surviving a partner’s one-night stand, philandering, or affair. Dr. Lusterman goes beyond just helping people survive this experience to helping them learn from it and turn it into an opportunity for personal growth. This book can benefit not only the discoverer and the involved partner, but it also offer invaluable perspective for family members and friends.”
—Peggy Vaughn, author of The Monogamy Myth

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781567313338
  • Publisher: MJF Books
  • Publication date: 8/15/1999
  • Pages: 224
  • Product dimensions: 6.62 (w) x 8.49 (h) x 0.77 (d)

Meet the Author

Don-David Lusteman, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist specializing in marital and family therapy in private practice in Baldwin, New York. A frequent media guest, he has appeared on NBC’s Today Show and Oprah! and has been subject of numerous radio and print interviews.

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Table of Contents

Acknowledgments........................................................ix

Introduction.................................................................1

1. The Shock of Discovery...........................................3
Defining Infidelity
  • The Moment of Discovery
  • Denial
  • Sometimes There Is No Answer
  • Compartmentalization
  • Types of Infidelity
  • Trauma
  • Is The Relationship Over?
    2. Why Did It Happen..................................................17
    Not All Involvements Are the Same
  • Are Men's and Women's Extramarital Affairs Different?
  • The Life Crisis Theory
  • Mid-Life Crisis
  • Entitlement
  • Sexual Identity Affairs
  • Sexual Addiction and Don Juanism
  • Exploratory Affairs
  • Tripod Affairs
  • Retaliatory Affairs
  • Exit Affairs
    3. The Affair Triangle...................................................37
    Love and Infatuation
  • Why Warts are Important
  • Married Love vs. Affair Love
  • Lengthy Affairs
  • The Involved Partner
  • The Discoverer
  • The Third Party
  • A Few Final Words About Affairs
    4. Is Divorce Inevitable?..............................................61
    The Importance of Time
  • A Marriage that Improved
  • Ambivalence
  • Some Questions to Consider
  • The Search for Meaning
    5. Feelings That Help and Feelings that Hurt.....................91
    Idiot Lights and Negative Feelings
  • Dealing With Anger
  • How To Make Emotions productive
  • Blaming
  • Accepting Responsibility
    6. Trust.........................................................................105
    Preparing for the Confrontation
  • The Truth Doesn't Come Out All at Once
  • When Trust Can't be Restored
    7. Survivng Infidelity........................................................119
    Affairs: The Phases of Recovery
  • Other Types of Infidelity
  • A Healthy Life After Discovery
    8. Children.....................................................................159
    What Chidren require of Parents
  • Secrecy and Boundaries
  • How Secret Is a Secret?
  • Secrecy and Loyalty
  • Burdening Children With Adults' Issues
  • Involving Children with the Third Party
  • How Are Children Affected?
  • Secrecy vs. Privacy
  • When to Speak to Your Children
  • What To Expect When You Speak To Your Children
    9. Family and Friends.....................................................173
    Family
  • Friends
    10. Is It Always Best to Tell?...........................................185
    Telling When Asked
  • Telling When Not Asked
  • The Dangers of "One Size Fits All"
  • Dangerous Mates-- a Special Case
  • Another Special Case
  • Recent Infidelities
  • Sexual Addictions
  • FromPainful to Positive
    11. Choosing A Component Therapist..............................195
    What Is A Therapist?
  • What Is Family Therapy?
  • Finding A Therapist
  • A Phone Meeting
  • Interviewing the Therapist
  • How Do Couples Therapist Work?
  • Clear Procedures
  • Continuity In Treatment
  • You Are A Partner With Your Therapist
  • If Therapy Is Not Going Well

    12. Some Final Words...................................................203

    References....................................................................205
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