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Inside A Girl's Heart


Growing up, Tracy Becker-Hills was not very good at communicating her feelings in spoken words. Instead, she began writing them down as poems. Through the years, when a situation affected her, she wrote a poem about it in a special notebook. Inside a Girl's Heart is Tracy's poetic memoir, offering her intimate thoughts and very personal feelings-the story of her life in verse.

This is an emotional journey that provides an honest portrait of her sadness and joy, loss and ...

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Growing up, Tracy Becker-Hills was not very good at communicating her feelings in spoken words. Instead, she began writing them down as poems. Through the years, when a situation affected her, she wrote a poem about it in a special notebook. Inside a Girl's Heart is Tracy's poetic memoir, offering her intimate thoughts and very personal feelings-the story of her life in verse.

This is an emotional journey that provides an honest portrait of her sadness and joy, loss and jealousies-the realities of her life. It presents a glimpse her heart and soul and takes a poetic journey of emotions that begins with her first love and all the joy, sadness, jealousy and turmoil that entails. She matures from a young girl into a young woman, and then she becomes both a wife and mother. The phases of her life are at times tearful, joyful, passionate, and humorous.

You'll be inspired by the life in verse of this girl known to her friends as "Green Eyes."

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Product Details

  • ISBN-13: 9781426952098
  • Publisher: Trafford Publishing
  • Publication date: 1/7/2011
  • Pages: 244
  • Product dimensions: 6.00 (w) x 9.00 (h) x 0.55 (d)

First Chapter

Inside A Girl's Heart

By Tracy Becker-Hills

Trafford Publishing

Copyright © 2011 Tracy Becker-Hills
All right reserved.

ISBN: 978-1-4269-5209-8

Chapter One


When will I stop crying?
When will I stop
Hearing your voice
Say goodbye to me?
When will I stop
Missing your hand in mine?
Your arms around me?
Piggy back rides and
Truth or dare
Kisses when we think
No one is looking
When will it not hurt?
When I think of you on that plane
Flying away from me
To a new school
New life
New friends
And a new girl that
Might make it a little easier
For you
To stop thinking about me?


Your smile is my sun
I can carry it in my mind
But it lives in my heart
I can reach out and touch you
Whether you're near or not
I'm that close to you
I can laugh with you
Or be sad with you
I can tell you when I'm hurt
But you already know
You're that close to me
I have a part of you
That no one else does
It's not something I want to share with anyone
I see sides of you
I don't think many others have seen
No one sees the part of me that hurts
Like you do
I have memories
I can reflect upon that put us alone in a room
full of people
The world is far away when we're together
And when we're not
Your smile is my sun

Rain Reminds Me

Sometimes when it rains
I lay awake and memories
Fill my mind
I see you and me
Walking in the rain
Holding hands, laughing and crying
I sit and look out at stars
Remembering the nights you held me so close
I can remember feeling like not making it through a single day
Then you'd call and my spirit would be renewed
Most nights the rain won't let me sleep
I lay awake feeling like I'm betraying you
And oh God, the hurt I feel inside for you
Because I know what it feels like to be hurt
To feel anxiety and fear at the possibility of being left alone
All the time, you're in my mind
I find myself staring into space
Thinking of you
The rain reminds me
Of the times we were together
The rain
As it falls from my eyes
Reminds me
Of the times we cried together
Or alone but mostly
Like now
For the times we are crying apart

Far Away

Loneliness rushed upon me today
Sitting so close to you
But you're a million miles away
Your eyes hide sensitivity, and your smile is sincere
I wish I knew what your heart was made of
There is a characteristic in you that attracts me
But a sense of fear keeps me at a safe distance away
The things I admire are the things that you possess
Or is it merely a charade, attempting to mislead me?
I wish I had the qualities that you are seeking so that
Heart could acquire
I will be me
You be you
And we'll be us
Your heart appears elusive
Yet my feelings
Grow more intense each time I see you
Or speak to you
Or kiss you
But I feel that with tomorrow
Loneliness will again rush upon me
Sitting so close to you
And you're still so far away


    The silence of the night
    Is deafening
    The darkness so deep
    It's blinding

    The air is still
    The void in my heart
    That you left me with is vast
    I have filled a large piece of it
    Yet there remains a section
    That is irrevocably cracked
    I can't slide the edges together smoothly

    There are memories that have caused jagged seams
    The edges are frayed and
    I can't find a way to repair them

    You are like a faded scar - no longer painful
    Yet when I run across it
    I pause and ask myself
    Remember when?

    Past Tense

    I hate it
    That now when I talk about him
    I have to change how I've
    Always talked about him
    He use to like; now he liked
    He use to laugh; now he laughed
    He used to say; now he said
    He use to do; now he did
    He used to think; now he thought
    He will; now he was
    He use to eat; now he ate
    He use to use; now he used
    It makes me angry
    Because it doesn't sound right
    It doesn't feel right
    It's the reality
    I don't want to face
    I don't want to talk
    About my father
    In the past tense
    I want to talk about him
    Like he should be
    I don't want to "remember" him
    I want him back


    Love brings pain and sorrow
         And turns adults into children
          Vulnerable, love makes us all
           Changing our values
           Causing questions
            That bring answers
         Too painful to evaluate
        Teardrops are
        An expression
      Of intense joy, or sorrow
    Losing can be fatal
      When your heart has been challenged
        And sorrow
          Brings pain

      Which turns children into adults

The Clock

I lay awake wishing for you
Your warmth
Your touch
Your presence
Loneliness surrounds me
Like the darkness
And the cold reminds me
I am alone
The blankets
Do not keep out the chill
Like your skin does
My neck is cold
Where once your breath warmed
The ticking of that damn clock
Reminds me
That time knows
When I'm alone
And tomorrow will take forever
To bring you to me


No more will I depend upon a man
I will no longer depend upon any one
Except myself
Because I don't lie to me
Or tell me what I need to hear
Or cause me pain
You're not a part of me
Just an exterior
Because I will not expose myself
I am strong
Don't under estimate me
Merely because I am young Some
of us grow up fast
Due to circumstances we can't control
But now I am in control of me, of my life
And I don't need anyone
And no one needs me
I am content


This moment will last forever
In my mind
I'll keep it and remember it
On lonely afternoons
Because in this moment, you were mine
I possessed you, for a moment
There was only you and I
No others
Just you and I
And the memory is mine forever

Are you really afraid of me?
Of the fact that I am human and I care?
Or are you afraid of you and
Of the way you might care about me?
Why do you keep such a distance between us?
I am afraid of love
But I am not afraid I will fall in love with you
So don't be afraid that I will
Don't be afraid for me
Because I am not willing to risk my heart
Don't be afraid for you
Don't let fear keep us apart
Because I won't form an emotional attachment
To you
Please, for once
Believe in me
Trust me enough to trust myself


    When love is gone from one heart
    But still lives in the other
    Who do you look out for?
    Or the one who still loves?
    When looking into his eyes
    No longer reaches your heart
    And his touch doesn't start a fire
    How do you break it to him gently?

    When there is another
    Who is taking up your empty time
    That he can't fill
    When the other
    Makes you smile and laugh
    And his body excites you
    How do you tell him
    You hate him
    When he tells you he needs you
    How do you hide the resentment?

    Because you're not strong enough to leave?

I Don't/I Won't

You believe I depend upon you
I don't
You believe I'll love you
I won't
Sooner or later, surely I will need you
I will not!
I am alone
I like it!
I don't need company
With empty conversation
And boring dinners
I will not risk my heart again
Not for anyone
Even you
Our only commitment is physical
We aren't having a love affair
Only an affair
Don't take an ego trip on me
I have been a pawn in that game before
You weren't around to see the pain I dealt with
So don't question why
Or why not
Don't feel I need more out of life
I don't


I may never say I love you
But that doesn't mean I can't care
Love has caused such sadness
And your situation
Allows no room
For one more
But I won't give up a dream
That somewhere, at sometime
There's a place for you and I
And I will wait
Even if it takes a lifetime
Because God brought us together
For a reason
If a life time is too long to wait
He'll let me know
You're a part of me
I'm part of you
Admit it
If not to me, then to yourself
You need not say I love you
If you did
I'd be happy for a minute
Than I would turn and run
Not realizing
That it's ok
Until I'm too far gone


    Sometimes I just need a friend
    Someone to hold my hand
    Who can understand the moods
    The temper
    The pain
    Won't someone be my friend?
    I had this friend
    But I lost her to images in her mind
    Too scared to face reality
    She retreated to make believe
    And now
    She can't tell the difference
    I cannot pretend any longer
    The pain of losing her is too strong
    Take my hand, are you my friend?
    Or shall I walk through my pain alone
    Please, for a minute
    Pretend my feelings matter
    I don't ask that you feel my pain
    Just be there
    When I run out of strength
    Don't try to understand
    It's rooted too deeply
    I'm losing part of my heart

    Right in the middle

    She thought her hold on you was solid
      But it was tenuous
        At best
          The connection was there
            But it was decades old
            Hard to renew
            Years change people
          Lives take divergent roads
        And the different paths can illustrate
    How different the years have been
      Sometimes the differences can be reconciled
        Other times there is only the past
          To draw on
            She made plans
            Based on feelings that were years old
    Not realizing that you had an agenda
      You were looking back in the past
        She was looking forward to the future
    What she did not realize
      Is that I was there
        All along


Can you hear me?
I can't hear you now
Never again
Will I hear you say
"How do"
"What's new kid?"
"That's good"
Now I can only imagine
What you would say
How are you today Daddy?
Can you even hear me now Daddy?
I can't hear you anymore
I have to close my eyes
Concentrate and make believe
That I hear you
Cause I really can't hear you anymore
Daddy, can YOU hear ME?
You have to be able to hear me
There in Heaven
You have to hear
How much I miss you
How much I love you
I talk to you in my head
I listen
With my heart
I miss you
Daddy, I love you!
Please say
You can hear me

My Protector

You take good care of me
Sometimes protecting me as
As if I were a child
Daring anyone or anything to
Step in the way of my happiness
You're my life raft
I can make it on my own
You make it easier
By being there when I'm tired
When I need someone to lean on
You are my sunshine
I could survive without it
But nothing would grow
Nothing would look the same
It would all be shades darker
I believe in you because you
Believe in me
To realize how much
I mean to you
Means I am special
I'm glad that you're here to
Help me
Love me
And be my best friend

The Thrill

You touch me - I shiver
Your fingers are electric
Sending energy running through my body
You hold me
My heart is in your hands
They caress me
I'm ecstatic
I've known no other touch
That stills my breath
Captures my attention
Each time I touch you
I'm feeling you for the first time
The thrill never fails
The painful memories that
Once had me locked within my fears?
You set them all free
You waited and now
Making love to you
Is as natural as breathing
Thank you for touching me
And teaching me
The true meaning of love


    Quiet surrounds me
    I am all alone
    Sitting in the middle of your memory
    Tears fall, from anger
    Why do you choose to leave
    When I ask you to stay?
    As I hear you drive away
    I begin to hate
    And my only release is to violently smash
    Something against the wall
    You tell me you have other obligations
    And that you can stay with me
    I do not understand your decision
    Doubts begin to fill my mind
    I question your love for me
    Although I'm sure you must
    I do not understand
    Why you hurt me
    So very deeply
    But you do


    You took my heart for yours
    A simple question from your lips
    Before they softly met mine
    And we were one
    You held my hand, and stroked my face
    Your eyes looked into my soul

    We decided to be together forever
    To share our hopes, dreams and desires
    To be married
    We laughed and kissed
    Only the kisses were different
    My heart took wings and soared

    We caressed, and made love with new intensity
    Our hearts and minds
    Running twice their normal rates
    Thank you for making me the happiest woman
    I'm sure that we will have bad days, sad days
    And long hard days
    But tonight
    Nothing seems too drastic, or difficult
    We are madly in love


Hours pass so slowly
When I am not with you
Wherever I go
I feel like I've left something behind
Like the feeling
You experience
When you discover you've lost something

I never thought
I would ever feel this way
Needing you so much
Wanting just to be near you
But I kinda like it
At first I was afraid
This feeling nearly killed me once before
But now, there is no fear, no anticipation
Because now I realize
There is only you and I
And I am sure now
That I don't need to be afraid of you
I love you
You love me
Nothing else matters, really


Sometimes painful memories
Burn the center of my heart
Everything that I believe in
Is suddenly untrue
I become frightened and scared
I'm lost right now
Searching for something to cling to
Someone to hold me up
I need someone to live for
Because I simply don't want to live for myself
I believe in you
I have to
I have no one to trust
The goals I achieve
I have reached for you and because of you
Thank you for taking responsibility of keeping
Me alive
I don't understand why you did it
Reached out for me when I was lost
It would have been so much easier to
Turn and leave me behind
But I'm glad you did not
I cannot express how deep my respect for you is

Torn Apart

Despair entered my life
When I looked and saw no one
Or anything special in my future
The thought of going through another day of
Brought tears to my eyes
Your life is nowhere near mine
We don't even think alike
I wonder how often you pause to think of me
Or reflect on the time when we use to be
Now circumstances are keeping you from me
And boredom draws me towards another
We aren't even taking the time to fight it
We're letting ourselves be torn apart
Maybe that's what you want
I don't even know you well enough anymore
To make a judgment


Where is my friend?
My Home girl
My go to girl
My turn to her for anything girl
The one that can ease my pain
With a hug and "I'm so sorry Trace"?
My world is crashing
As her's is building
Something wonderful for her
Something tragic for me
I can't draw her
Away from the light
Into my darkness
I need the sound of her voice
I need to explain
The hell I am in right now
But she is in heaven
By not drawing her in
I am pushing her away
Come back
I need you in my life
I need you to pull me back from the edge
Cause I am falling
Help me

I Loved You

I thought
When I walked away from you
My life would forever
Be empty and incomplete
I thought
There would never be anyone
That I would possibly love
More than I love you
Days of Loneliness
Filled minute by minute
With thoughts of you
Of us
Of what can never be
My days filled with solitude
My yearning to find
What we had
Wondering what you were doing
Reaching for the phone
But knowing it can't happen
Aching to feel your touch
Longing to hear your voice
So many tears
I had to compel myself
To move forward, and I did
I found love
Not the same
It will never be
There are minutes
When I look back
At the laughter and tears
There are minutes
When I am alone
That I force myself to accept
I can be content
But I will never love
More than I loved you


A Young girl
Confused, alone and scared
So many feelings
Overwhelming, intense

You were a light in the storm
A raft for my sinking ship
You helped me stay afloat
But in my youth I thought there
Would be no more storms

Yet still they came
Sending my world topsy-turvy
And still, you were there
Often, you were at the eye of the storm
Yet always we stood together
And came out of the storms
Drenched and gasping
Yet we slowly dried off
And got our breath back
We stand together
To face the next storm


It's damp and cold
Here in my personal hell
A prison
The perimeter formed by the walls
I've constructed within my heart
To keep out
The pain
The torture
The agony
Caused by you
A pretender
A poser
A fake
I see now
That just as they keep out
Those hurts
They do not allow any of it to escape
So it sticks on me
My tears
Have nowhere to go
So they cling
Here in the damp and darkness
My soul
Slowly begins
To mold
Turning green and black
As my heart decomposes


Excerpted from Inside A Girl's Heart by Tracy Becker-Hills Copyright © 2011 by Tracy Becker-Hills. Excerpted by permission of Trafford Publishing. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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