Instant Analysis

by David J. Lieberman

Overview

The New York Times–bestselling author of Mindreader helps you become aware of unhealthy behaviors and beliefs to break free of conditioned living.
Have you ever wondered . . .
Why am I so easily discouraged?
Why do I procrastinate?
Why do I stare at myself in the mirror?
Why do I keep people waiting?
Why do I eat when I am not hungry?
Why do I secretly hope other people will fail?
Why do I feel alone even when I'm around other people?
Why am I constantly misplacing my keys and other things?
Why do I enjoy hearing the secrets and confessions of others?
Why will I do a favor for someone I don't even like?
Why am I so superstitious?
Why do I have trouble asking for help?
If any of these behaviors, habits, and thoughts are keeping you from having the life you want, then you need to know that help has finally arrived in David J. Lieberman's Instant Analysis.
"Before rushing into therapy, consider this method for leading an examined life." —ABC World News Now
"While the questions and answers are entertaining, specific practical behaviors are also suggested for creating more positive thinking and actions . . . [a] practical, enjoyable book." —Library Journal

Product Details

ISBN-13:	9781250232373
Publisher:	St. Martin's Press
Publication date:	05/01/2024
Sold by:	Barnes & Noble
Format:	eBook
Pages:	314
File size:	1 MB

About the Author

David J. Lieberman, Ph. D., is a nationally recognized leader in the field of human behavior and the creator of NeuroDynamic Analysis, a revolutionary short-term therapy. He is a sought-after speaker and lecturer and a frequent guest on top national television and radio programs. His work has been translated into 10 languages. He lives in New Jersey.

Read an Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

WHY DO I ALWAYS STARE AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR?

I'm not obsessed with my appearance, but I can't walk by a mirror without giving a quick glance. I find myself staring at my reflection for extended periods, often feeling dissatisfied with what I see. I have trouble connecting the image to myself; it's as if it's not me I see in the reflection.

THE MOTIVES FOR THIS BEHAVIOR can be deceiving and are commonly misunderstood. It's often not just a case of simple vanity. You seek your own reflection because that is your only source of psychological nourishment. Your looks fuel your ego. You don't feel like there's much, if any, worth within, so you seek the comfort of a surface worth. It's this surface worth that you see as the source of gaining the respect and admiration of others. You may also believe that the better looking you are, the more valuable you are as a person. Therefore your only asset has an exaggerated sense of importance.

A low self-image often translates into a sense of diminished physical presence. Feeling a lack of substance, you look to your reflection to reassure yourself that you do in fact exist. There's an emptiness inside that makes you feel invisible. You look in the mirror but are unable to connect the image that you see as your own. This is why when looking at a photograph of yourself you often proclaim, "This picture doesn't look a thing like me."

This may lead to difficulty in interpreting your own emotions, to looking to your reflection as a gauge for your feelings. When you're in a good mood, you will look into the mirror to see your own smile, to make sure that you are in fact in a good mood. This comes from a need for external verification of your feelings.

1 Make a list of the ten things you like most about yourself. Chances are that this will be very uncomfortable for you at first, as most people are not in the habit of doing this. That's what makes this activity so rewarding. Remember, the more challenging it is for you, the more you need it!

Be sure to focus on internal qualities that set you apart, things that wouldn't necessarily be reflected in a mirror. Examples are, "I have a fiendishly clever imagination," "At work, I do a good job of identifying tasks and setting deadlines," "My friends tell me I give great parties," "I really helped my neighbor out the other day," and "When I jog, I run a little farther each time." Take as long as you need to come up with ten things, and no matter how "insignificant" they may seem, do not condemn or belittle anything. Make the list as well rounded as possible so that a full picture emerges of all the ways you are special.

Now that you have your list, tape it to your bathroom mirror so that every time you glance at the mirror, you read the list. This exercise allows you to remind yourself of your true worth — at the times you feel most vulnerable.

Every month or so, update the list. Keep the things you like the best on it, but make an effort to come up with some new things as well. Believe me, this gets easier each time you do it. And it constantly keeps "in your face" the knowledge that who you are is a moving, breathing, living, growing human being.

2 Get comfortable receiving acknowledgment. If you depend on a mirror as your only source of psychological validation, this means you've become uncomfortable receiving acknowledgment, praise, and positive words. Break through this by learning simply to accept praise at face value, resisting the urge to second-guess or nullify it.

The next time you receive a compliment — "You did a great job generating those charts for the meeting" — simply respond with, "Thank you very much" instead of, "Thanks, but it was nothing: If I'd had more time I could have done a really good job!" Don't make people feel uncomfortable for acknowledging you; allow them the pleasure of paying you a compliment.

If the entire process — both receiving and giving acknowledgment — seems uncomfortable to you, then you know what you need to do: Start acknowledging other people for their efforts, as well. Give not just to get, but to experience for yourself the pleasure of giving. Once you know how great it feels, you'll be less likely to deflect it when it's your turn to receive.

And if this whole idea seems particularly distasteful, ask friends or acquaintances to tell you one or two things they like most about you. (If it is embarrassing, just tell them you have to do it as an assignment for a class or project you're working on.) Not only does this create a situation in which you receive acknowledgment, but it also gives you raw material for your list of likable qualities!

3 Learn to trust your own feelings. If you've spent a lifetime learning to deny and sit on your emotions, then you have a lot of unlearning to do. What a liberating experience this can be — almost like shattering the glass in a mirror! (Although I'm not recommending that.)

Remember when you were a kid, and you were playing with your hot new race car with the red and black stripes? How did you feel when the big kid down the block came along and took it away? Without a doubt, you were very clear about how you felt! As we grow older, we learn that hitting Johnny isn't nice, which of course is true. But unfortunately we also get the message that "bad" emotions aren't nice, either, and so we have to learn to pretend they aren't there — and feel guilty when we have them anyway.

Accepting your feelings means accepting all of them, good and bad. Whenever something happens that causes an emotion in you, give yourself permission really to feel it. If you're watching a sad movie in a theater, let yourself cry — what do you think everyone else is doing, anyway? If you think about something funny at work, go ahead and laugh. If someone cuts you off on the expressway, scream at the top of your lungs (just to yourself, that is) or pound your fists on the dashboard until the feeling passes. You can liberate your true self only by accepting and confronting what is really going on for you at any given moment, without condemning or judging yourself. And once you've reclaimed the ability to feel your emotions, then you won't need to check in a mirror to see what you're feeling.

CHAPTER 2

WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO ARRIVE EARLY?

I arrive to appointments an hour or more early because I'm so concerned that I may be late. I get nervous when I'm stuck in a traffic jam that might make me a few minutes late. I would rather wait twenty minutes for someone than keep him or her waiting just five minutes for me. I'm afraid I'll miss out on something important if I'm not on time.

A COMPULSION TO BE EARLY has different causes depending on the situation. If your destination is to be a source of information, such as a seminar or a meeting, then you're perhaps afraid that you will miss out on something important. You are afraid that things will start without you. Because you need to be self-reliant, you want to have any information you may need so that you are fully prepared for anything that you may face in the future. You don't want to have to depend on anyone for help or information.

If your need to be early is "people oriented," then the cause is something different. Although you tell yourself and others that you're simply considerate of other people's time, a compulsion always to be on time or early is no longer a matter of simple courtesy. There's usually a feeling of inferiority — you feel that you're not valuable and worthy enough to cause any inconvenience to someone else. You have no business keeping anyone waiting for you because you feel that your time is less valuable than other people's time. This feeling of inferiority usually extends to a strong desire not to upset or anger anyone by your behavior. Inconveniencing another is bad enough, but since you need the praise of others to reinforce a faltering self-concept, you are reluctant to be the recipient of any negative criticism. Angering another might cause you to question your own self-worth if you are chastised for your behavior.

Having to rush anywhere makes you very nervous. These feelings are often compounded by a corresponding physical effect — the release of adrenaline. While some people thrive on this sensation, you find it extremely unsettling, as it only adds to your anxiety.

1 Value your time as much as anyone else's. If your compulsion to be superearly is motivated by an over-awareness of the value of other people's time and an underawareness of the value of your own, this exercise will be especially useful. Being as objective as you can, appraise what your time is worth in terms of the benefits it brings. Create this appraisal in whatever form works for you, such as a balance sheet, pie chart, bar graph, or even a simple list. Indicate all the things you do in a typical day, together with the positive results they yield. Focus not just on money-making endeavors but on actions you take that produce other values — perhaps indirectly — as well.

For example, if you spend thirty minutes on weeknights reviewing your child's homework and reading with her, that's a valuable investment that carries lots of psychological benefits. If you spend an hour three times a week at the gym, that's time well spent for your physical and mental well-being. At work, if it usually takes you twenty minutes to organize your materials and record items in your daily planner, give yourself credit for doing what's necessary to be more focused and effective on the job — an indirect contribution to whatever salaried or billable hours you put forth. (On the other hand, if in the process of doing this exercise you find you are typically spending an hour or more on these activities, that's valuable feedback that streamlining is in order. The point is, you'll never know until you take this first step and see what the real situation is.)

As you're doing this exercise, you can either write down dollar amounts associated with specific activities, or general benefits such as "half an hour's worth of relaxation." What matters most is that you put down in black and white all the things you do every day that yield positive outcomes. You'll find that this is far more than you ever realized. So cut yourself some slack and remember that your time is at least as valuable as other people's — maybe even more so.

2 Ask for, and accept, help from other people. Punctuality for seminars and other informational gatherings is admirable; naturally you don't want to miss anything important. But when you arrive far in advance of the scheduled start time, you're no longer in control — you've fallen prey to your own insecurities. If it's easier for you to show up ridiculously early than risk asking someone for help, then you need to become more comfortable with making requests.

Find someone you don't know too well but with whom you might feel comfortable asking for an occasional favor, such as borrowing a book or videotape, or chipping in on a shower gift for someone at the office. (If necessary, explain why you're doing this.) Start asking for and accepting favors, doing whatever is necessary to make it a win-win situation for both of you. Remember, however, that the point is not to create a never-ending cycle of obligations; it is simply to get you used to accepting help from other people. Avoid feeling that you must reciprocate for every single thing, or that you have to do a lot more for the other person than he or she does for you.

Also, be as precise in your communication as possible. If you've told the other person why you're doing this and that it will be an ongoing process for a while, find out how that person likes to receive requests for help — as detailed as possible? more general? direct or indirect? Then ask for favors exactly as the person has indicated.

3 Review your past to see if there was a specific incident that contributed to this exaggerated "early bird" tendency. Did anything tragic ever occur because you or a family member was late for something? Did you consistently get the message throughout childhood that if you couldn't arrive somewhere well before everyone else, you'd be better off not going at all?

Whatever did or didn't happen, recognize this incident for what it is — the past — so that it can begin to loosen its grip on you. For example, maybe something horrible really did occur because someone you knew was running late. But does that mean you must always shortchange your schedule, your time, and your life? The next time you find yourself rushing to be the first one to get to a meeting or appointment, stop and ask yourself, "What is the very worst that could happen if I arrived on the dot ... or were even a little late?" Remind yourself that the world does not revolve, or cease to revolve, on your timetable. Also consider the negative consequences of rushing anywhere — such as getting a speeding ticket or having an accident.

4 Deliberately arrive somewhere a few minutes late. Obviously I'm not recommending this for an occasion such as proposing marriage, making a nationally televised speech, or signing the Middle East peace accords. Instead, choose an occasion in which the only inconvenience will be to yourself. Sit with the feeling of "being late" a while and notice that it hasn't killed you. If and when appropriate, such as at a break, turn to a stranger and ask what happened the first five or ten minutes, or ask to see his or her notes. Most people will be only too happy to oblige, and if the first person you asked isn't willing, simply keep asking until you find someone who is.

5 If you do arrive somewhere too early, spend the extra time productively. Make it easy for yourself to do those things you ordinarily wouldn't take the time to do. The world is full of great inventions — books, journals, dictation devices, sketch pads, notebooks, portable cassette players, laptop computers, magazines, catalogs — that can allow us to get more work done. You want to reinforce to yourself that your time is valuable. Arriving early, only to do nothing will not accomplish this. Whenever you've got the time, be productive.

CHAPTER 3

WHY DO I FANTASIZE ABOUT SAVING PEOPLE AND COMING TO THE RESCUE?

I run entire scenarios through my head about saving a person lying unconscious in a blazing fire or pushing someone out of the way of a runaway car. I enjoy solving disputes and arguments and settling differences whether they involve me or not.

THIS RESPONSE IS GENERATED FOR ANY ONE or a combination of the following: (1) You do not consider yourself particularly special or interesting. Doing something extraordinary will make you feel like an extraordinary person. You seek out recognition and appreciation and crave situations where you can help the helpless. (2) You want people to depend on you; it makes you feel powerful and useful. In relationships you seek to dominate others so they will grow dependent on your help. (3) You feel guilty and undeserving for any good fortune received in life. You seek to relieve this guilt by doing something great, which in turn would make you feel more deserving and worthy of good fortune.

When people do not receive the attention they want, they act out in different ways. Babies cry and scream; children make a scene; teenagers rebel. Adults who feel neglected or shortchanged, however, may often retreat to their imagination.

Peter, a thirty-one-year-old security guard, worked in a senior citizens' home on weekends. Every Saturday afternoon, the fire alarm would go off, and Peter, dressed in his official security garb, would go floor to floor assuring the frightened elderly residents that they were safe and that he had everything under control. The fire department would arrive each time only to find no fire and no reason for the alarm. Eventually it was discovered that Peter had indeed been setting off the alarm himself, so that he could be the hero and be respected as a necessary and important person.

1 Identify your personal heroes, zero in on the traits that make them great, and strengthen those qualities within yourself. All of us need to feel important, and all of us have personal definitions of what makes a hero. Think of all the people, real and imaginary, who've had a positive influence on you since childhood. Do you think of people like Superman, Martin Luther King Jr., Joan of Arc, Michael Jordan, your grandmother or grandfather? What makes your heroes great in your eyes — super-strength, leadership, courage, exceptional skill, compassion, devotion? Write these qualities down.

(Continues…)

---

Excerpted from "Instant Analysis"
by .
Copyright © 1997 David J. Lieberman, Ph.D..
Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

---

Table of Contents

Title Page,
Copyright Notice,
Acknowledgments,
Introduction,
PART ONE: TIME TO GET BETTER,
PHASE I: INSTANT ANALYSIS,
1. Why do I always stare at myself in the mirror?,
2. Why do I feel the need to arrive early?,
3. Why do I fantasize about saving people and coming to the rescue?,
4. Why do I fantasize about having special powers like ESP or telepathy?,
5. Why do I need to have the radio or TV on when I'm alone?,
6. Why do some people annoy me so easily?,
7. Why am I so absentminded?,
8. Why am I so easily discouraged?,
9. Why do I take so long to make simple decisions?,
10. Why am I so reluctant to plan for my future?,
11. Why do I put off things that would take only a few minutes to do?,
12. Why do I have such difficulty disciplining myself?,
13. Why do I feel I'd be happier and more productive with more structure in my life?,
14. Why do I keep people waiting?,
15. Why do I feel alone even when I'm around people?,
16. Why do I rarely get a full tank of gas and then let it run on fumes before refilling?,
17. Why do I misplace my keys, papers, and just about everything else?,
18. Why am I so clumsy?,
19. Why do I think about committing suicide even though I have no intention of doing it?,
20. Why do I complicate the simplest things?,
21. Why do I believe in fate and destiny?,
22. Why am I so easily distracted?,
23. Why do I think about acting totally inappropriately in public?,
24. Why do I enjoy being angry?,
25. Why do I do the stupidest things?,
26. Why do I feel unloved?,
27. Why would I rather help others than help myself?,
28. Why do I do favors for people I don't even like?,
29. Why am I such a conformist?,
30. Why am I so hard on myself?,
31. Why does my behavior change depending on the behavior of others?,
32. Why am I so competitive?,
33. Why do I feel the need to control others?,
34. Why do I secretly hope other people will fail?,
35. Why do I obsess over the littlest, stupidest things?,
36. Why do I feel that something bad will happen to me if something good happens?,
37. Why do I look at my watch to see if I'm hungry or tired?,
38. Why do I get a nagging feeling that I'm forgetting something?,
39. Why do I live in constant fear of my loved ones being injured or killed?,
40. Why am I so high-strung?,
41. Why do I have trouble asking people for help?,
42. Why do I act cruelly to people I care about?,
43. Why do I attract the wrong type of person and stay in unhealthy relationships?,
44. Why do I enjoy gossiping so much?,
45. Why do I enjoy hearing the secrets and confessions of others?,
46. Why am I plagued by self-doubt?,
47. Why do I need to be reassured that I'm loved and cared about?,
48. Why do compliments and praise make me uncomfortable?,
49. Why do I feel guilty for things beyond my control?,
50. Why do I apologize even when it's not my fault?,
51. Why am I so superstitious?,
52. Why am I so concerned about the opinions of other people?,
53. Why don't I assert myself when I really need to?,
54. Why do I feel as if nothing will ever make me happy?,
55. Why is there so much disappointment in my life?,
56. Why am I so quick to judge other people?,
57. Why is it that the better things are going the worse I feel?,
58. Why don't I do the things that I know would make me happy?,
59. Why do I feel that if I get anything of value, it will be taken away from me?,
60. Why do I worry about things that will never happen or that I have no control over?,
61. Why do I do something halfway when I know I'll just have to do it over again?,
62. Why am I so afraid of authority?,
63. Why do I feel emotionally drained even when there's nothing really going on?,
64. Why do I jump to conclusions and read into things?,
65. Why am I preoccupied with death?,
66. Why do I have thoughts of finding myself in situations where I'm confused?,
67. Why do I avoid responsibility?,
68. Why am I so emotionally fragile?,
69. Why am I such a loner?,
70. Why do I wish I were sick or injured?,
71. Why do I feel as if I've got the absolute worst luck?,
72. Why do I feel like I'm "fooling" the world?,
73. Why do I talk to myself?,
74. Why do I spend a lot of time fantasizing and daydreaming?,
75. Why do I routinely rationalize things in my life?,
76. Why is it so hard for me to stop destructive habits?,
77. Why do I undermine my own efforts?,
78. Why do I feel unimportant?,
79. Why do I dwell on negative thoughts?,
80. Why do I eat when I'm not hungry?,
81. Why don't I do more when I'm capable of so much?,
82. Why am I obsessed with my appearance?,
83. Why am I so reluctant to face reality?,
84. Why can I take on the world some days, and other days I can barely get out of bed?,
85. Why do I feel the need to compare myself with others?,
86. Why do I do such terrible things even though I'm a good person?,
87. Why am I so paranoid?,
88. Why do I feel nobody really knows or understands me?,
89. Why don't I take better care of myself? I'm not lazy!,
90. Why do I eat foods that I know will make me sick?,
91. Why do I overanalyze things to death?,
92. Why do I pursue things I really don't want?,
93. Why do I dwell on the past?,
94. Why do I feel so hopeless?,
95. Why do I feel numb and unconnected?,
96. Why do I crave attention?,
97. Why am I so sensitive to rejection?,
98. Why am I so lazy?,
99. Why do I feel morally superior?,
100. Why am I so closed-minded?,
PART TWO: IT ISN'T OVER YET,
PHASE II: THE TAKEOVER,
PHASE III: WAKE UP AND SHAKE UP,
PHASE IV: JUSTIFYING YOUR OLD WAYS,
PHASE V: JUMP START,
Conclusion,
Praise for Instant Analysis,
About the Author,
Copyright,